Sometimes i wish I could just go to sleep

[UKmamainUS]

And never wake up. I was recently diagnosed with occipital neuralgia, a chronic head pain that will likely never go away. I found a lump in my breast for which I will have a mammogram and ultrasound on Monday. Then today I found out my mom also underwent a biopsy for a breast lump and will hopefully get her results back in Thursday. Also today my husband told me he is addicted to porn. Seriously, after ten years he tell me this, even though he really never seemed all that into sex. It turns out this addiction was to blame for some serious issues in our marriage that I've been blaming myself for. If it were not for my kids, I'm not sure I would carry on. Don't worry, I'm not going to off myself or anything, I haven't come here to be talked down or anything, but keeping the anxiety under control right now is pretty darned difficult. It's almost six in the morning here, and I haven't had a wink of sleep, my depression is back with a vengeance, and really I just want to curl up in a ball. I have no family here besides DH and my little kids so really have nowhere to turn. Thanks for listening.

[gregcool]

Hi there.sorry to hear you are in so much pain with your life,its so sad when you feel so alone with it all.just to let you know that the neuralgia pain there are meds you can take out there to block that pain so there is help out there for that,as for the lump you have found,try not to think the worse,it could be nothing to worry about,easy said then done i know esp as im a man,try to keep your chin up sorry if iv not been much help,i just want you to know you are not alone and there are some really nice and caring people on this forum,take care and good luck

[chickpea]

I feel for you so much.
I have been in a similar place to where you are now, and felt exactly the sane. I didn't want to die, but I just didn't want to have to wake up and deal with it all.
At the time, we had serious money problems, my husband had a similar addiction issue (caused by being seriously sexually abused as a child), our marriage was at breaking point, my dad was dying and my kids were 5 and 2. I had no family nearby, so no support.

With the right help, we clawed our way back from the edge. My husband got counselling, we worked hard to sort out our issues and today we are stronger than ever. We've been through some tough times since - chronic illness, bereavement, a child with ADHD, family break ups etc but we're still together and solid.

It's tough - you need proper professional help - but you can rise again and be happy.

[UKmamainUS]

Thank you both for your kind and supportive words.

[chickpea]

You're welcome.
Can you talk to your doctor and maybe get some counselling or some medication for your depression, just until you get back on your feet again?
Does your husband want help for his addiction, or does he not see it as a problem?

My husband found specialist counselling and it really helped unlock a lot of issues which were affecting our marriage and our family life. Once it was all out in the open, it became easier. I won't pretend - I yelled at him, cried, threatened to leave etc because I was so angry and heartbroken at what I felt was his deception, but the counselling helped me to understand the cause of his behaviour.
You can't struggle on alone - please ask your doctor for help.xxx

[UKmamainUS]

My husband does see it as a problem, that is why he mentioned it to me. He thinks he can cure himself alone. I'm not so sure. If it was so easy why has it being going on so long - apparently it was before we met, and that was ten years ago. My doctor wants to prescribe me something for the depression, but I'm alone at home with the kids ALOT so am somewhat nervous to try anything. I was given an as needed Ned for my anxiety but it caused debilitating migraines.

This is all such a mess. It's not even like I have a problem with porn per se, it's the fact that he says it is an addiction, and he has actually lied about it when I bought it up in the past (just mild curiosity got me asking him, I assumed all guys did it and was pleasantly surprised when he said he wasn't inetersted in it). But the worst thing it has been affecting our sex life our entire life together and I had no idea it was that. In a way I'm relieved at that because I tell you, it was really hitting my self esteem to the point I'd just stopped initiating sex. But now that makes me feel as though he was choosing porn over sex with me the whole time and I didn't even know it. I know that sounds weird, but hey, if I could control how my brain worked better, I wouldn't be on an anxiety site. My husband is a good, kind man and father, I know he loves me, but right now the hurt is so raw. I'm sure we will get through this, but I just have to take each moment at a time, especially with every thing else I am dealing with.

Thanks again Chickpea. I'm sorry you went through something similar to this, but right now I am so grateful to have someone who understands where I'm coming from.

[neopoko]

UKmamainUS,

I work with those who have a problem with pornography. Please check out freedom-coaching.net for more info. I'll be happy to help.

Pax,
Steve

[Carnation]

Hi UKMamainUS, sorry you are going through a bad period.
I understand about the Chronic Head Pain. I had Head Pain for 6 months continuous and I am so pleased to say that it has now gone! So don't think you will have it for Life, it can disappear. I have to say that Breathing exercise and Yoga helped hugely with this. The Anxiety is hard to live with, there is no doubt about that, but you can control it and it can get better; lots better!!! And the Depression unfortunately goes hand in hand and I know how difficult that is to live with. It's certainly a rollercoaster ride that never ends, but don't give up hope. It can all be controlled and your Life can get better. It's not going to happen overnight, it needs to be worked at and with all the stresses and trauma in Life, it is no doubt that many people become the way we are. And, as you said, Your Husband has an addiction, but that's his thing he is dealing with. You, concentrate on yourself, you know he loves you and that is the main thing. This is something he has to deal with and you have enough problems of your own. Don't see it as a threat or personal thing with yourself. All you can do is you best and keep faith that eventually you may see that light at the end of the tunnel. :)

[chickpea]

My husband does see it as a problem, that is why he mentioned it to me. He thinks he can cure himself alone. I'm not so sure. If it was so easy why has it being going on so long - apparently it was before we met, and that was ten years ago. My doctor wants to prescribe me something for the depression, but I'm alone at home with the kids ALOT so am somewhat nervous to try anything. I was given an as needed Ned for my anxiety but it caused debilitating migraines.

This is all such a mess. It's not even like I have a problem with porn per se, it's the fact that he says it is an addiction, and he has actually lied about it when I bought it up in the past (just mild curiosity got me asking him, I assumed all guys did it and was pleasantly surprised when he said he wasn't inetersted in it). But the worst thing it has been affecting our sex life our entire life together and I had no idea it was that. In a way I'm relieved at that because I tell you, it was really hitting my self esteem to the point I'd just stopped initiating sex. But now that makes me feel as though he was choosing porn over sex with me the whole time and I didn't even know it. I know that sounds weird, but hey, if I could control how my brain worked better, I wouldn't be on an anxiety site. My husband is a good, kind man and father, I know he loves me, but right now the hurt is so raw. I'm sure we will get through this, but I just have to take each moment at a time, especially with every thing else I am dealing with.

Thanks again Chickpea. I'm sorry you went through something similar to this, but right now I am so grateful to have someone who understands where I'm coming from.

My husband thought he could deal with his problems alone, too - it's a man thing.
He couldn't and your husband won't be able to, either. He needs specialist help, and in turn that help will help you to understand that the porn addiction is not a reflection of your marriage or you in any way - it is a reflection of how your husband feels about himself. He needs help to understand it - just saying he'll stop won't work.

Taking antidepressants won't be a problem while you're caring for your children. If you're worried, maybe take half a tablet for a few days until your body adjusts.
Most of all, look after yourself - eat well, rest and try to find ways to relax each day.