New to the forum - 24yo/f looking for mutual support

[Tabularasa]

Hi everyone,

I am struggling to find anyone in my social circles that understands what I'm going through and I thought that joining a forum might help me to talk to others in the same situation.

Bit about me and my situation:

Well, I'm 24, married and have two children. I am a successful CEO and a national specialist trainer/teacher. I have just been offered a place at PhD in psychology at my chosen uni, I'll probably do it part time around my career.
So, yeah, I'm busy. I'm highly strung. I can usually cope just fine with that and my life has been this busy for a long time.

I don't have such a healthy history mind you and from 14 I was repeatedly raped and beaten by my partner until I was 18. I sustained internal injuries and more common injuries like bruising and dislocation etc. I met my husband shortly after and he's fantastic but has his own traumas so he doesn't always understand me. Anyway, I have no family because when the police arrested my ex partner, they said I had lied about the rape and abuse - I am the oldest of 7 but I'm not allowed to see my brothers and sosters - I moved 50 miles away to start my life again and I've been alone ever since (obv excluding my husband and kids) - so u could say that I have no support network and you'd be right. No one cares if I do well, if I fail, if I'm ill or if I'm well. That's hard. I've been exiled for about 6 years now and it seems to be getting harder not easier.

So, I think I've been using work and my academia as a coping strategy for all these years and recently I had huge final exams and had a complete breakdown. Ended up unconscious on a drip after 3 days of constant panic attacks (at the time I thought it was heart attack as you do) I've been on propranolol for 3 weeks and life is shit.

Sorry to sound so defeatist but I feel like 9 years of trauma have hit me in three weeks and my body has just given up on me. I just want someone to talk to.

[MrAndy]

what a journey you have been on,even though youve had such a hard time you should commend yourself for getting through it and becoming such a high achiever.
You can recover fully it takes time but you can do it,do you have any friends for support to help you through this recent setback ?

[Tabularasa]

Hi, thank you for replying.
No, not really. Don't get me wrong, I have a couple of close friends but I don't want to burden them with my problems and I don't think many people would fully understand anyway. That's what made me join this site, I want to meet people I can talk to about anxiety and help me to recover and stop the thoughts getting out of control

[MrAndy]

Have you had any therapy or counselling ,it helps to get things off your chest.CBT helped me more than medication,i did some via the nhs and rethink.org.I also had some private therapy but it wasnt as good as the free stuff.CBT really helped me to stop my thoughts running wild and stop catastrophizing.I still do it now but can recognise it and stop it taking hold

[Tabularasa]

I have an advanced diploma in CBT - I do like CBT but nhs sessions are far too short. I am going to go private and I probably do need it. I called one of my old colleagues and just waiting for her to get back to me. I've never actually had proper therapy as I've always used academia and work as a coping strategy (albeit an unhealthy one - more of a distraction than a coping strat...)

I'm having an odd day today. I just posted a Q in the propranolol forum - I'm beginning to wonder how many of my symptoms are actually being caused by this new medication I started three weeks ago... I am struggling to separate what is caused by anxiety, what is caused by the meds and what my mind thinks is caused by some catastrophic heart problem.

Can you get all the physical symptoms without any thoughts at all?

[MrAndy]

Not sure but I had pyhsical symptoms for two years from anxiety ,I still get the inner nervousness that wont go away now but recently starting to feel better as my sleep improves.The CBT I had with rethink.org was good because it was a group ,every session I came out smiling which says something when your depressed ! I tried a few private therapists but they were rubbish and expensive,I think if I did it again it would have to be from a recommendation

[messed up times]

Awww so sorry to hear your story I had an abusive father so I can sympathize with you, and on not burdening friends about your problems, I am suffering with anxiety and depression caused by two people close to me dieing and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to around me so I'm new here too. I hope you get the support you need I will always listen to you and help if I can as I'm sure others will too :hugs: x