Panic attacks/anxiety is ruining my life - reaching out here x

[dizzyco]

Hi all

I am writing this through tears, not knowing where to turn or what to do.
I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since the age of about 12/13 but managed to control them to a certain point. I was able to get my degree, even though it took me a long time, and I was able to work and have a social life.
Since around 2011/2012, i have just deteriorated and am now at a point where I genuinely can't see a way through this.
I also have had lots of physical medical problems, as i have endometriosis and adenomyosis as well as interstitial cystitis. Being in actual physical pain and having had to struggle to even be believed for so many years really took its toll. But I thought I was getting through it.
I was on citalopram which took the edge off the panic, but i then came off it as i had to go on another medication for my physical probs which can't be taken alongside citalopram.
I am now at a point where everything has fallen apart.
I can't leave my flat alone, and am totally reliant on others to take me anywhere i need to go. When I do go out, even when with someone i trust, the panic attacks are so severe that it's a total nightmare which then takes me days to recover from. It knocks me back when i go out as i panic so much that I am now severely agoraphobic as the pain and fear are so extreme that it felt easier not to face it.
I have even started having panic attacks in my own flat, and in the house i grew up in. It feels like nowhere's safe and I can't take it anymore. I literally feel like I can't go on for one more day.
I also recently had a breakup with my partner of ten years, who ended the relationship because of the way I have become. I feel totally alone now. Isolated is not a strong enough word.
As i can't go out and am panicking everywhere, I no longer see friends, or even family, and am a total recluse.
I don't know how to get better.
I have had therapy, cbt, hypnotherapy, acupunture, craniosacral therapy, all sorts, but I am just getting worse every day.
The end of the relationship feels like the final straw - i was already suffering so so much. The panic and anxeity have turned me into someone I'm not and has pushed him away. Because of the adrenalin rushes and cortisol due to the constant anxiety, I have terrible anger and outbursts, and I was really a nightmare to him. But when you're in the state I have been in, you can't see what you're doing and you don't know how to stop it. It's a sign of the desperation you feel underneath but all that is seen is me being an absolute b**ch.
He says that I need to get better, but what he doesn't seem to see or acknowledge is that since he left me i now feel TOTALLY alone and hopeless and worthless, which then makes ALL the symptoms which cause the panic attacks a million times worse. It's like all the horrible things i thought about myself are true and that I was not worth sticking with through this.
I don't blame him, for if i could leave me, I would....but i can't. And I'm SO scared. And it hurts like hell that the one person i love that much, where we've been through so much together, has now left me.
I am a different person from the person I used to be. I never thought life would be such a struggle just to get through the day.
I am reaching out here just to hear from anyone who feels, or has felt, the same. I think i need to get back on citalopram but will then have to stop the other meds! it's very confusing.
I would appreciate any contact at all right now, i just need to reach out as i'm so deep in this that I can't see a way out.
Thanks for reading this long post, i know i've rambled on
xxxxxx

[Izzie2494]

Hi, so sorry to hear you are struggling, I know exactly how you feel when you say you don't feel safe anywhere because you have panic attacks at home, as I've recently been experiencing the exact same thing! I also have acrophobia and know how horrible it is to not be able to go out without panicking, I'm also sorry to hear your relationship ended as I think it's hard for other people to understand what we are going through as it's not happening to them! I've found that stay at home is probably the worst thing you can do, is there anywhere close to your house you feel you could go to, like a pub or a restaurant?" With some friends? I set myself little goals and if I do go out and start feeling anxious I think to myself "it's ok I am not far from home and if I do need to go home I can" I think you would feel better if you went out a bit more! Although I do understand how hard that can be, it's a horrid thing anxiety and I really hope you start to feel better soon!!

Xxx

[hugo87]

Hi Dizzyco,

I suffered from High Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia for a long time and still Am. I was on Celexa for a long time. I should speak for myself when I say this, but try to be positive and seek a therapist that specializes in meta cognitive therapy. Life could always be worse. So, pick the positive aspects of your life and focus on them. i'm reading this book that is also helping me called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways." Also, exercise. Never stop doing it. Running makes me keep going. Sign up for a race and make an effort.

Get your self involved in a Christian Church where people can support you and pray for you while you go through this difficult time, so you dont have to feel alone (I did this and I enjoyed so much that today I'm leader of a Church group that meets every week). Best of luck to you and feel free reach out. The road to anxiety free is a constant, but take it with heart.

Try to be positive. Repeat 1000 times everyday that you can get trough this. You can handle it on your own. Repetition is a key here. Tell your self that you can do it over and over again. A lot of times, what seems like a curse is actually a blessing.

Best,

Hugo

[Sammie123]

Dizzyco,
My heart goes out to you. It really sounds like you're having a bad time. Please believe me when I say it will pass. There will be better times. You're just going through a really rough phase.
I've had panic disorder since I was 17. That first time, it really knocked me off my feet, I didn't know which way was up anymore. I was like you are now. I would just stay in between the same four walls every day, and I couldn't even bear to be around my own family. I was constantly terrified out of my skin. Like you, it would take me days to get over the really extreme panic attacks. Eventually, even if I stayed in my room, the panic came.
It was tough. I too felt like I couldn't possibly get through another day. But I did. Things got better again. I earned a university degree, got a job, saw friends, fell in love, I even... Gasp... Went on holiday! I never imagined I'd be able to do any of those things again, but I did.
Now, I'm not saying it's easy. In fact, battling with panic disorder is the most difficult thing in my life. For me, it comes in phases. I have a bad patch of panic for a while, and eventually it subsides and I can live a more normal life again. At the minute, I'm doing another round of battle with it and I've been signed off work for two weeks by the doctor. But I know it WILL subside again. And it's worth the fight for the good times that will come.
It sounds like you need to see a doctor. It may be the case that you do need some medication to give you the boost you need to go on fighting. Of course, that is entirely your decision. Perhaps even a few diazepam or something aswell, just for occasional, short-term use to give you some respite from the really bad panic attacks.
I would urge you to get out of the house if you can (and you can!) I know it's difficult :( but if you panic in your home, the way I see it, you might as well go panic outside too! Give yourself something to panic about, in a way. You may find your home becomes a place of relief again. Try setting goals, no matter how small. Don't fret about the bigger picture, just pinpoint little goals, and achieve them no matter what. Even if it's just to walk down the street. Then congratulate yourself when you achieve it. Then do it again the next day. If you don't achieve it the first time, don't feel bad. Just get up the next day and do it. And keep doing it. Every day. Then extend your goal to go a little bit further. Rinse and repeat. I used to make myself go to the shop around the corner from my house. I would come back shaking and crying, but I kept doing it. Eventually I started walking into town. I failed that a couple of times, or I would take odd little detours just to stick to the quieter streets. But I persevered. If you set yourself goals like this, you will be able to see the results clearly, and feel proud of yourself.
I'm so sorry that things have gone awry with your partner. Again, I had a similar situation. My partner left me, and I descended into panic. I couldn't believe that he had left me so vulnerable. I'm very thankful to say that we had a little bit of space from each other, and I learned to cope alone, and we sorted out some other issues that were present in the relationship, and we got back together and have been happy ever since. Whether or not you and your partner work it out, remember, you can do this on your own if you have to. All any of us have is ourselves really, and that IS enough. It's not always nice, but it's enough.
You can do this. You are not alone. Seek help. I apologise for the massive essay but your post really touched my heart and I wanted to reach out. Wishing you all the best xxxxx