First major panic attack - all because we got a puppy

[EastCoastChick]

This morning I had a huge panic attack and thought I was going to have to check myself into a hospital.

Why? The reason is so RIDICULOUS that I'm embarrassed to even come on here and write about it - but here goes:

We got a puppy 4 days ago. After waiting for years to get a dog, dog sitting for other people and doing research on dog ownership via my friends who have them/on the web, I told my hubby "hey, let's do it! we're ready!"

After looking at dogs at 2 shelters over a period of about 2 weeks, we saw one we both liked. I was unsure about this particular dog - it's going to grow to be 50 pounds (had envisioned getting a smaller pup) and currently is a 3 month old puppy, and one friend told me to steer clear of them as a first time dog owner - but we really fell in love with him at the shelter and of course decided right away that we wanted him. I thought "how hard could it be? we love dogs! he's adorable and my husband raised puppies as a kid."

It has damn near turned our life upside down in less than a week. I have realized the magnitude of the commitment and how much our lives have just changed. I'm angry at myself for moving so quickly on this pup. I feel like I've ruined our first year of marriage (even though we've been together for almost a decade - maybe we could have waited another year), and I'm terrified at the prospect of having a 50 pound dog for the next 10 years. I keep having "what if" scenarios pop up in my head.

It's a cute puppy - everyone oohs and ahs at him when we go walking. So far, he's pretty well behaved (a few accidents and of course he has that puppy energy, but he's starting to learn), and he seems to be comfortable with his crate (as much as he can be) - but I just can't bond with him at all and feel like I'll never love him. And YES, I FEEL LIKE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

I've been so sick over this change from me waking up and working out in the morning and meditating (which really curbed my anxiety) to fussing over a pup - that I haven't been able to eat much the past 4 days. I'm terrified of what the future holds. I literally had a bowl of cereal and a handful of almonds today and my husband said "hun, you have to eat more."

I've talked to some friends and they say it will get better, but it's a LONG process to raise a puppy. My husband also thinks we moved too quickly, but he said he'll never return the puppy as we've made a commitment and need to stick to it (which, even though it gives me anxiety to think about the life-long commitment, I was pretty much in awe of him when he said this).

I've felt so depressed I've been reading message boards about post-puppy depression and remorse - which actually seems quite common and most people say it will pass. But where I'm at today - it doesn't feel like it will pass. I've woken up out of anxiety the past 2 nights (during which the dog didn't even bark in his crate).

Yes - I realize we rushed into this, but you don't really know what raising a puppy entails until you have one (as they say with kids as well). Yes - I want the best for this pup. I think he deserves owners that love him and cherish him 1000% percent.

I've mentally given myself till the end of the month before I start to talk about possibly returning the dog (it's from a no-kill shelter and we can return if we pay a fee), and even then I'll probably wait a few more months before I even get to that point. We're going to start training in about a week and I'm interested to see if that will help me calm down.

My husband doesn't understand why I'm freaking out so much over a puppy. I don't understand why I'm freaking out so much. There are a million other things in life that are worse than this - but that's the nature of anxiety. It doesn't make sense!

I just want to do the easiest thing - return him - but as I said my husband doesn't want to. I have to give the relationship a fighting chance. It's just really hard. It's scary to me that we've restricted our freedom and brought a new dynamic into our previous 2 person relationship.

We do want to have kids eventually, but with kids you at least get maternity leave and hormones from mother nature to coax you into loving babies. And we are definitely waiting to take that step for the time being.

I'm sorry - I love dogs, I really do. I wish I was bonding with our pup. I wish I loved every second of it. I wish I didn't feel like my life has just come crashing down around me.

If anyone has been in the same spot, please let me know how you overcame it and how long it took you.

Thank you!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi,

Welcome to NMP :welcome:

You won't be alone on this one, there was a thread on the introductions board along the same lines in the last month or so. Perhaps have a look at that one so you can see what people said?

We had a puppy not long after my GAD started and at first it was hard because it altered things around and change can be difficult when you have an anxiety disorder because we tend to get stuck in safety behaviours. I think it took me some weeks to adjust but I was going through a real bad time. For me the worst adjustment was the sleep.

The practical side is that your husband can shoulder more of the work right now if you need him to and as you say, he's done it a few times before so it will be pretty natural to him.

I think you are right that you need to give this some time. Anxiety makes us want to get away, but you will habituate to this the more you are exposed to it so I expect it will become easier for you.

Are you suffering from mood issues, depression, low moods, etc? If you do, this could easily be making you feel like you can't connect with him because we can have that few about pretty much anything in life when we feel that low.

Maybe it will come with time. There are plenty of new mothers that feel that way about their own children and I'll bet they feel horrible about themselves for even feeling that, as you are. You need to let go of this and say to yourself that you will work on it, have some fun with him, get playing and maybe it will come naturally?

And please don't feel embarrassed to come on here and talk about it. People talk about all sorts of things on here and no one will think it is weird, we've all been there in some way or another.

:woof

[EastCoastChick]

Thank you so much, Terry. I am feeling a little depressed as well. I'm trying to play with him and do take him on walks. I even bought him more toys today to keep him entertained. I'm trying to be positive around the dog because I don't want him to feel negative energy, but it's taking a lot out of me. Going to keep trying. I think I found the thread you are talking about. It's very much like my situation. Thanks.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Was it this one?

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=158183&highlight=puppy+depression

Have a look at the Mindfulness stuff I mentioned on there because that helps greatly with anxiety & depression. It also has been shown in clinical studies (with brain imaging) to promote accessing of the compassionate side of the brain so this might be useful for you in stimulating that area which is probably used less due to anxiety & depression.

Its sounds like you are doing a lot to work on this so don't beat yourself up about it. I think you have a great atttitude towards this because some people would be running back to the centre but its no solution really as you want to be able to get beyond this.

I also really love your husbands attitude towards this as a commitment.

You mentioned that you had done some dog sitting before. Do you think its a bit like how people say babysitting is easy because you can give them back? So, now you are fully committed and its left you feeling a little overwhelmed? Maybe its possible that because the puppy is the subject that has led to this you feel a bit annoyed or upset that you are having to experience anxiety over it hence this is a bit of a barrier? Don't feel bad about this, sometimes we can get like this but its usually a short term reaction to the stress of the situation and I expect this will fade as your anxiety decreases.

I bet he's really happy with his new toys. Mine goes mad when he gets a new one!

Walking will help you with anxiety & depression alone and I expect it will help you to build that bond if you give it some time.

[EastCoastChick]

I think it's mostly the change in my schedule and the fact that I'm overwhelmed by the commitment. I was trying to figure out how to sign the puppy up for pet insurance and started hyperventilating. I was scared to choose the wrong thing. I also am intimidated by the fact that he's going to get so big. I have plenty of friends with big dogs and their lives are fine but it's new to me - all of the dogs I have cared for were smaller. I'm scared I won't be able to handle him. I'm scared I don't have enough energy for him right now - let alone for when he's older. I realize he has puppy energy now, but I'm so tired. Granted, it's been 5 days and our schedule has changed so we are still in that tired phase. I just don't know if I can make this work. Just now my husband is asleep (works overnight shift) and I'm playing with the pup and just really don't feel up to it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think many people would understand how you are feeling because anxiety & depression eat away at self confidence, self worth and self esteem. As these reduce, we feel like we can't handle situations, even more basic things become a battle. The one thing I have noticed though is that the more we do them, the more we habituate to them but it can be hard at first.

Try not to worry about size, thats where training comes in. As he grows you can get some discipline into him so that his size doesn't become an issue because he will do what you say. I'm sure your husband will know about this with bringing up several before.

New things can be scary when you have these disorders, its change and the fear of the unknown. I bet you have "What ifs" going around in your head and you find yourself catastrophizing. I can see this in your posts.

There are therapists thesedays who use pets in sessions, especially dogs as they seem to relax people. The are known to be helpful to patients in end stage care in lifting their mood. I wonder if you had any sessions with a therapist like that whether they could help your anxiety around your dog? I would imagine any therapist could but perhaps this type of therapist would have more insight? Perhaps its something to investigate if you are still struggling in a month?

Have you heard of Mindfulness? It can be done in meditation, with objects, in movement, etc. This is a great help to anxiety & depression anyway but you could learn it and practice this with your puppy. Its all about compassion, acceptance, non judgemental thinking and living in the now. If so, let me know as people on here can post you links to some resources.

[cavybun]

East Coast Chick I was reading you describe how you feel and I can relate so much. You even mentioned the similarities of having a puppy and a child and I agree- I have three kids. My husband and I got a dog and I had a panic attack/anxiety meltdown a few hours after we got her home.i had been watching a marathon of the Dog Whisperer and reading articles on dogs to prepare but I was so anxious... I also felt she was too big. She was supposed to be 50 lbs but she was sick and her ribs were sticking out so I knew once we got her healthy she would be 50lbs. I was scared of so many things it would take awhile to list them. But I think the overall issue is that I had a very high standard of what I felt this dog deserved, and I was worried I wasn't capable of giving her what she deserved and needed, especially after being neglected and abandoned by her previous owner. It may be of interest to note that with my kids, I also at first had trouble feeling close to them, and I think it was because I was intimidated by the magnitude of the task of parenting, worried about failure, and so aware that they deserved so much more than I could ever give. Really, if only more people cared as much as you obviously do about the animals they adopt! Your baby pup is extremely lucky to have a human who cares so much! Give yourself some credit and praise for being a wonderful human and just do your best and forgive the rest! The puppy will definitely forgive you for any mistakes you make. You know it's true :)))

[EastCoastChick]

Thank you cavybun, that is really nice of you to say - even though I don't feel like such a great person right now. Thank you for sharing your experiences as well.

I'm going into week 2 of owning the pup and my anxiety attacks have decreased a little, but I was very close to rehoming the dog with one of our family members yesterday (and was even advised to do so by my therapist due to my lack of eating and horrible sleeping issues).

My husband said my health comes first and he was willing to part with the dog if I wanted us to, but I could see in his eyes that he already loves the pup to pieces and I couldn't bear to break my husband's heart - so I decided to try and work on myself in therapy instead and hope that I can bond with the dog over time. Every single message board I've read said the feelings get better over time, and I'm hoping they do.

I'm just a very big routine person and this puppy has essentially destroyed any routine I had. I'm also greatly mourning the loss of my pre-dog freedom. I know people with dogs who still have great social lives and are incredibly happy, but it's hard for me to imagine ever getting to that place in this point in time.

[Annie0904]

If you search in new pets on here you will find quite a few similar threads. I posted one myself when I got a new kitten 2 years ago. I begged my daughter to take him to her house as I was so anxious that I couldn't cope with him. She knew how much I had wanted to buy him so took him for a couple of weeks then brought him back to me. He is now sitting beside me snuggled up and I don't know what I would do without him. He is my constant companion and I love him so much. He follows me every where I go in the house. I am sure you will grow to love your puppy just the same. It is just the fear of the commitment.

[EastCoastChick]

Thank you Annie. I hope it gets better.

[bchrismar]

Puppies are no joke! I remember 9 months ago when we got ours, I saw a spike in stress and symptoms. But it was all worth it. They are eventually stress relievers. :)

[EastCoastChick]

Just wanted to leave an update - my puppy panic / depression lasted about 2 weeks. Now I am MUCH BETTER. I'm still a little overwhelmed by the responsibility, but I'm not doing it on my own. My husband splits it with me and we have family that can watch the pup if needed every once in a while. Now I am more comfortable with the dog and even love him, a LOT!

I have never experienced an emotional reaction like this before, and in the depths of it it felt very catastrophic, like my life was over. Obviously, my reaction was very out of proportion to what was happening in my reality - it was not the puppy (the puppy is quite good!) it was me. And I was prepared to rehome him if I didn't feel better, but I do (thankfully!) and now I'm very comfortable and happy to play with him and train him and love him. I also plan to get back to all my healthy habits again when possible - good diet, exercise, meditation, mindfulness. Just waiting to figure out how my "new" schedule works and will find a way to fit everything in.

For anyone else experiencing something like this, know that it does get better!!!

Thank you everyone for your kind responses and words of wisdom!

[Annie0904]

I am pleased you and you puppy are now happy together (I knew you would be :) )

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I second what Annie says...I went through it too when we had one when my anxiety was at its worst the first time but the little fella is well worth it all, he's brilliant!

Well done EastCoastChick, think of how much he will help you with your anxiety issues, they love us back. Mine has sensed my moods and spent more time with me in the past or got me up to play when I'm dwelling on the low moods.

Take a lesson from this, things can change for the better and you are stronger than you often think you are!

:woof

[Lissa101]

Hi ECC,

I totally understand your feelings as many others on here seem to do also. I adopted a rescue staffie x ridgeback when my anxiety was really bad (our story is here http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=134737). Although he was friendly he had spent his whole life in kennels and was so badly behaved and energetic it was utterly overwhelming at first. I thought, 'oh my god how can I cope with this every day for 12 years!' But that was 2 years ago and he's changed my life for the better in so many ways. I went from being a couch potato to losing 2 stone and now I run half marathons. I've met soo many new friends through dog walking and I gained a four-legged best friend to have adventures with and cuddle in the evenings.

The responsibility doesn't diminish, there's no doubt that getting a dog is life-changing and a huge tie. But over time this bothers you less and less and you'll soon realise it's worth all the hard work. I hope things go well for you and the pup - would be lovely to see a picture :) x

[EastCoastChick]

Thank you all for your replies! Lissa, I can't figure out how to post a picture right now but when I do I'll post right away. I have met so many people while walking my puppy! I have lived in my apt for years and now know many other neighbors by name, and they know my dog's name. It's wonderful! It has also brought a lot of joy to my family members. They love the little guy and enjoy seeing him - even the people that I thought weren't dog people (it's funny!).

In regard to the responsibility - I am SO HAPPY we got a puppy before having kids. I know it no comparison to the actual work / emotions / responsibility you feel when you have a baby, but for me it's been helpful to see how you can adapt and make room in your life for new additions (an intro class, if you will!). And it reminds you that the most important thing isn't that report you messed up at work or that stupid reality television show, it's spending time with the people (and pets) that you love and vice versa.

[taralinn]

I am having the exact same issue. Only - I don't think I'm ultimately a dog person. I feel terrible. I had a huge reaction to getting married and it has been two weeks and I was finally starting to feel 'normal' again and then I went out and made a rash decision and got a dog. I just don't feel like it's right. She's honestly such a sweet dog and would be perfect if I felt like I was up to the responsibility. I feel like a stranger in my own home again because she's there. Is there anyone out there who felt this way (stressed, panic attacks, etc.) over getting a dog and then returned them? How did you feel after? Was it a relief? Did you feel like you were feeding your anxiety by not pushing through? Because honestly, I feel like it was too soon for me. I still hadn't recovered from my previous stress and I don't want to 'wait it out' for months until I feel 'better'.