AL84
20-10-14, 19:00
Hi everyone, I've come across this site as I've been suffering another period of really bad anxiety and although not diagnosed, I think I may have suffered from OCD. Until a week ago I thought OCD was a 'hand washing' thing, I don't mean that in any horrible way, I just didn't know any more.
All my life I've done odd little things, counting things, having to nod my head a certain number of times, holding my breath when I pass lamp posts (you know the rest...) and although these things have never caused me any real bother or anxiety, recently I've suffered terribly.
Last year I was convinced I had HIV. I had been exposed and tested a number of years before and accepted that. 5 years later out of nowhere I began to question the result and eventually convinced myself it was wrong or I had been tested too soon so the result was a false negative. I don't know how but I managed to get tested again and after three tests my mind was finally at ease.
The past few weeks have been quite stressful for one reason or another and I began to doubt the results again. This disappeared then a week later I was at a party and can't remember the end of the night as I had quite a few drinks. I'm told I was at the party all night and went home with my partner. As I can't remember every moment I've convinced myself that I could have disappeared, had sex and now have HIV.
There is no evidence to suggest I did, I have no memory of doing such a thing and I don't think it's my character to do it. I say I don't think it's in my character because I'm even doubting my character because I'm telling myself anything is possible.
Just because I can't say 100% what I did, I seem to have filled the blank with my worst possible fear. Has anybody else suffered like this? It seems crazy as my logical mind tells me everything was mundane, chatting, drinking etc. and if anything happened I would remember. There is no memory or physical evidence at all and it's driving me crazy that it's based purely on my worst fear but the illogical part of my mind says "because you're not 100% sure then there is a chance".
A few years back when I was in my early 20's I would often not remember all of a night and think nothing of it, even waking up covered in mud and having no memory of it! It meant nothing and I shrugged it off immediately. Now I find I'm scared to touch door handles in case I catch colds and can't even go to a private party without feeling terrified every moment of the day.
I'm sorry for the long post, and thanks for taking the time to read.
All my life I've done odd little things, counting things, having to nod my head a certain number of times, holding my breath when I pass lamp posts (you know the rest...) and although these things have never caused me any real bother or anxiety, recently I've suffered terribly.
Last year I was convinced I had HIV. I had been exposed and tested a number of years before and accepted that. 5 years later out of nowhere I began to question the result and eventually convinced myself it was wrong or I had been tested too soon so the result was a false negative. I don't know how but I managed to get tested again and after three tests my mind was finally at ease.
The past few weeks have been quite stressful for one reason or another and I began to doubt the results again. This disappeared then a week later I was at a party and can't remember the end of the night as I had quite a few drinks. I'm told I was at the party all night and went home with my partner. As I can't remember every moment I've convinced myself that I could have disappeared, had sex and now have HIV.
There is no evidence to suggest I did, I have no memory of doing such a thing and I don't think it's my character to do it. I say I don't think it's in my character because I'm even doubting my character because I'm telling myself anything is possible.
Just because I can't say 100% what I did, I seem to have filled the blank with my worst possible fear. Has anybody else suffered like this? It seems crazy as my logical mind tells me everything was mundane, chatting, drinking etc. and if anything happened I would remember. There is no memory or physical evidence at all and it's driving me crazy that it's based purely on my worst fear but the illogical part of my mind says "because you're not 100% sure then there is a chance".
A few years back when I was in my early 20's I would often not remember all of a night and think nothing of it, even waking up covered in mud and having no memory of it! It meant nothing and I shrugged it off immediately. Now I find I'm scared to touch door handles in case I catch colds and can't even go to a private party without feeling terrified every moment of the day.
I'm sorry for the long post, and thanks for taking the time to read.