anxiety caused by parents

[lostgirl123]

Hey there

I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember, since about the age of 9. It's become easier to manage, but still now I have phases of being highly anxious where my chest hurts, my heart races and I shake.

I have just moved back home with my mum, who, I have quite a tense relationship with. We have constantly argued... She is highly emotional, very confident (almost arrogant) and never, ever listens to anybody. She always thinks she is right.

Specifically, we had an argument a few days ago where she accused me of things I hadn't done and know I hadn't done. She shouts and screams at me, and most importantly, accuses me of being bipolar saying I need to go get mental help.

This is one in a very long line of things. is something which doesn't sit well with me, and as a consequence brings up a lot of anxiety. I feel useless and lonely and bullied. I don't feel I have bipolar as I am well read on the symptoms and do not feel that applies to me. I can be up and down (as everyone can) but generally I'm pretty stable.

Please if somebody has a similar experience, share it with me. She makes me feel like I'm going mad, and my anxiety is just getting worse again.

Oh and my parents are separated and I couldn't talk to my dad about this, we aren't close.

Thank you x

[Oosh]

She sounds like my dad. My dad never did change. Things only improved for me when I moved out and became independent.

Sounds like you just have to ignore her while you're there.

It's hard because they may be mum or dad but they're also just flawed people like you and me. It becomes easier to deal with when you're not forced to live in their house and take it every day.

Know who you are. Don't let her or anyone else tell you different. Use a diary if you have to. Write how you feel down regularly to keep your head straight.

"Yeh mum, ok mum" ( in one ear and out of the other)

It's a stress you could do with not having in your life everyday. I'd look for a way to get my own place somehow.

[lostgirl123]

I just find myself crying to sleep every night. I have nobody at all to turn to back home, not even my Dad. I've tried contacting my dad about her in the past but he just doesn't really care. I have no money right now to even leave.

It feels like I'm falling apart, I can't cope with her bitterness and her bullying. She makes such horrible remarks about me, that I'm the bully. She twists arguments round so she can justify her horrible behaviour.

Now she's crying herself to sleep (she drinks a lot I might add) - she's all like 'I'm finishing it with my bf, I've given up my job, that'll teach you'. Another one of her favourites is 'go live with your ever so special Daddy' - something she's been throwing in my face since I was 8. I feel like this is abuse.

X

[Oosh]

It IS abuse. Ignore it. Put headphones on and ignore her. Find something to do and somewhere to be so you don't have to be around her.

Can you work and earn some money to rent a small place or share with some people who don't give you abuse ?

I'd stay out of her company or get out of there. I know exactly how that feels. It's not healthy living around that.

Put some headphones on and don't listen to a word she says.

[lostgirl123]

Have done!

Umm not reli, I live in a really small town, and I moved home to save money really. Should've known better, after all the many years of hell at home tbh! I guess I hoped it had changed in the last 2 years but it hasn't, if anything she is more bitter and more twisted!

Considering going back to counselling though to at least talk to someone about this..

[Oosh]

Counselling sounds like a great idea.

Make some plans to improve things and focus on them.

Don't listen to a single thing she says.

[Carnation]

I know exactly how you feel, I have a Mother who is just like that. My Father is not around, because he died six months ago and only today my Mum and I had a massive argument. OOsh is right, you need to ignore those remarks, spend as much time out of the house as you can and your Mum will be a different person if you were not living with her. I don't know why my Mum is like this. Everything I do is wrong, she blames me for everything and she says I say things when I haven't. She is miserable all of the time and shouts instead of speaking and likes to tell me what to do. The list is endless. I find if I stick up for myself, she will find something else to throw at me, so I try not to spend to long a period with her. If she wasn't my Mum, I wouldn't bother at all. Try to use this time to get yourself together for your future and make plans. Don't tell her everything you are doing, because she will try to find some fault. Remind yourself that it isn't forever and you are an adult now and you make your own decisions. :)

[Charlotteee89]

I used to have a such a bad relationship with my Mum, but we're getting on better now. She used to be such a vicious, temperamental and difficult person to be around, I think most of that was down to her age (menopause) and since she started talking medication her attitude has improved. Also, money is always a worry with my parents, they're constantly stressed about it and my Dad's attitude has gotten a lot worse due to the stress.

I find being at home, being around my parents just makes me unnecessarily stressed and puts me in a bad mood. When I go to other people's house's and be around their parents I just can't believe how different their home life is, more happy, relaxed and I suppose, normal. It feels weird to me, I'm so used to stress.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm hoping that in a year or so's time I'll be moved out. I need the space and independence more than ever.

[Tessar]

First off, LG, you are most definitely NOT useless.

I am disappointed for you that your mum is so down on you. She has no right to be so outspoken most especially when she is just saying things that simply are not true.

Something very important here is that YOU know the truth.

If you base your opinion of yourself on plain honest facts then you will already know she is out of line & her "opinion" is not at all realistic. It does not reflect the truth.

Please do everything you can, not to internalise her disproportionate view of you.
Because that is what it is... out of proportion & totally unrealistic.

Ask yourself "what is the reality"?

You are not mad. Definitely not.

Strikes me your mother is the one with issues and for whatever reason she is imposing her troubles and difficulties on you. projecting herself onto you. She is wrong to be doing this.

The trouble for you is, when living back at home it does (in my experience) open up old wounds.
It is a very difficult situation to find yourself in and one it is difficult to think rationally & to escape from.

See if you can take a step back from your mothers emotional outbursts.
If you can detach yourself emotionally and try to remain objective, you may well start to identify her disproportionate opinion. To really see the reality of the situation and pick the truth out of the situation.

Because she is putting on you quite unfairly.

My mother used to do this to me. It was only once I became strong enough to finally see what was going on, that I was able to take a step back. She used to wind me up so badly I would react. I just couldn't resist. She seemed to know exactly when I was going to bite & pick on me just at the wrong moment for me.

I look back now and wonder how I didn't really go mad! Either go insane through being wound up to breaking point & somehow contain my temper..... Or just go mad because I was in such a frustrating situation & felt helpless to change it.
But change it I did & I am so glad I was able to.

You are able to change things though I relate to how impossible this must feel.
What you need is support yet she is going right against what is best for you.
But as I said that reflects more about her inadequacies than it does about you.

Be kind to yourself. Because you are worth it my friend.

[lostgirl123]

Thanks everyone for your help and kind words. Tonight is a bad night. My sister has come home from uni so I've been chucked out of the 2nd bedroom and onto the sofa. She is even annoyed that I am staying in 'her' room. I haven't said a word against it, my only concern is now I don't have a safe haven to go to when things get rough! Obviously mum turned it on herself and started being her usual self.

Really hard to stay optimistic right now. I need to escape as already my anxiety and depression is becoming unbearable.

Feel so horribly alone it's crushing :'( the worst thing is, I can cut people out my life quite easily, but your family is different.

[Carnation]

Oh, I do feel for you. I am having grief from my Family too. That's why Friends are so important. The old saying; 'You can choose your Friends but not your Family'.

[Oosh]

You need some plans to keep your spirits up and keep you buoyant through all of this.

What do you want your future to look like ?

[lostgirl123]

So tonight I took all advice and sat here quietly, on my laptop, watching X factor. My mother, just goads me and goads me. Still haven't risen to it. Just overheard her whispering to my sister about me moving home that she was looking forward to being alone (the inconvenience of having her rent paying daughter home - goodness!!) and that 'ah well only a year to go I guess..' How can a mother be so heartless?!!!

[Carnation]

Hun, don't bash yourself up over it. It's not you, it's the way your Mum is. My Mum use to tell me she didn't want me in the House for more than two days. (I use to go and stay sometimes to help with chores as my Parents were 'getting on' and my Dad was poorly with Parkinson's Disease. She made me feel so unwanted and was friendly with people in the neighbour-hood; if only they knew.

[bchrismar]

I think ultimately our anxiety is "caused" by our approach and our beliefs, not our parents.
We have to change how we view/approach these situations. Therapy helps us see the mistakes we make in social interactions.

Yes of course, our parents can set us on a path as kids to be anxious though, no doubt.