View Full Version : so guilty did i do the wrong thing
hi not sure if this is the right place to post but ive been in a right mess today, illtry and keep it short but this morning I had a fone call from the hostel ware my sister lives as she is clinicaly depressed and alcoholic , she used to live with me for a couple yrs until 6 mnths ago as I had to ask her to leave because of her drinking and abuse she used to give me and my children when she was drunk and has tried to take her own life a few times over the yrs even at my home and for 30yrs I have been the on who has always had to sort her out i.e get her to hospital etc as our parents died a long time ago and my 2 brothers washed their hands with her a long time ago she went to prison a few yrs ago for 3yrs because she set for to her flat and was charged with arson with intent and is on a life licence parol now and is not allowed to really drink because she is a danger to herself when she is drinking and she will break her parol licence but she has been drinking the last few days at the hostel and they foned me to see if I would have her at my home while she is drunk as she cannot stay at the hostel if she is drinking and she has to be in safe place with some one to watch her as there would be no one on duty tonight to watch her at the hostel, but I had to tell them I couldn't have her here when she is drunk as I wouldn't be able to cope with her as she always starts on me , but now I feel so guilty because the hostel had no choice but to notify her probation officer and now she might be recalled back to prison tomorrow so all day ive been in right mess really anxiouse the guilt making me feelso bad and keep thinking it will be all my fault if she goes back into prison because I said no to having her with me , ive never said no to helping her before ive always gave in to her and tried to help her and I keep telling myself that ive done the right thing but I cant stop the wat ifs etc and guilt overwhelming me and why has this made me feel the way I do. sorry for posting this
You should not be feeling guilty for this at all. You have gone out of your way to help her before and your own health and safety must come first. She knew the consequences of her actions and she had choices to make...she made the wrong one, this is her problem not yours. It sounds like she is beyond your help and support and I don't think your home is the place for her to be. She needs professionals to deal with her. You can be there to offer support in other ways by visiting or sending letters. You HAVE done the right thing in saying no.
I was in a similar situation years ago when my (now ex) husband was admitted to psychiatric hospital, one of the doctors wanted to send him home but I said no I could not come and he was a risk to myself and the children. Fortunately my own GP agreed with me and wanted him sectioned. There comes a time when we have to put ourselves first and this is the time for you to do just that. :hugs::hugs:
Sunflower2
23-10-14, 19:16
I think you did a very brave thing saying no. You've said before that you have tried to help her and you cannot cope with her behaviour. It was her mistake and there are only so many times that someone can put another person first due to their mistakes. You have protected yourself as well as your children, stood your ground and done the right thing :)
thk you very much annie for your kindness and suport you are right I have done the right thing and ive got to put myself and children first and maybe because i said no for the first time in my life that's why I felt the way I did today as I felt sickabit dizzy and really panicy andthat scared me so thk you once again anniexx
Instead of feeling the way you do about saying no...change it..be proud of yourself for having that courage to say no. Be proud of yourself for being assertive and standing up for yourself for once. You did really well saying no :)
You no I zm going to agree on what others have said you did do the right thing I no how much you done for her in past pat you need to put your self first for once as she prob been part of your problem for a long time pat xxxxxx
Tricia. I am very sorry you are having to go through this. Please don't feel guilty. You are being put into such a difficult situation and one that is not of your making. Sometimes in life, although there are people we want to help, we are powerless to do so. You have done everything in your power to help your sister. What more can you do? You have done far more than your siblings. You have given your all to your sister but you have your own family, your children, to think about and to care for.
I am afraid the time does come when people need to take responsibility for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. It is your sister who needs to take responsibility here. If she is unable or unwilling to or abide by the rules of the hostel then unfortunate though it is, the consequences are such that she will have to leave. This will, as you say, start a sequence of events that will return her to prison.
She will not go to prison because of you.
If it happens, She will go to prison because she was not able to take responsibility.
Tricia, my feeling is you HAVE done the right thing. You have taken responsibility for yourself and your family. Bottom line is, they need to come first, which is why I say you need not feel guilty.
I do hope that the situation with your sister resolves itself to the best degree possible.
Also i am hoping that the support from your friends here ease your feelings too. x
thk u all so very much for your support ive just had a fone call from my sister she is on her way to the cells they have recalled her I just feel its my fault that this as happened because i couldn't have her here tonightwhileshe is drunk xx
Tricia...listen to what we have all told you...it is NOT your fault. She knew the consequence so she only has her self to blame. You are important you know and you did what is right for yourself and family. xx
Tricia......You are not to blame.
Your reaction reflects how kind and caring you are but this situation is not of your creation.
It is not your doing. Bear these facts in mind:
You arent the one putting a glass in your sisters hand.
You aren't the one filling that glass with alcohol.
You aren't the one who is unable to say no to that drink.
What Annie said about your sister getting professional help is right.
You have offered everything you can and for the right reasons you had to call time.
You most certainly did the right thing.
Ultimately when someone is struggling with an illness like alcoholism, for whatever reason is behind them being in that situation..... they have to reach a certain depth before they are able to see it is them, and them alone, who can dig themselves back out of the hole they are in.
In the end, painful though it is, as family and as friends, sometimes it is necessary for our sanity and survival to let these people go. Otherwise in the end, innocent parties (such as your children) get dragged into the issues.
Sending you support, warmth and hugs.
thk you annie im listning to you all as you all all so right and im not going to blame myself nomore x
---------- Post added at 22:40 ---------- Previous post was at 22:34 ----------
thk you all so so much and i know you are all right in what u a saying is right and im not going keep blameing myself nomore and let go xx
Missed your post. I agree with what Annie and Tessar have said.
You have to put yourself first Trish.:hugs::hugs::hugs:xx
hi just thought id update u all about my sister she has gone back to prison now and maybe for quite awhile , and I was told today by her probation pfficer that even if I did let let her come and stay with me last night she still would of been recalled back to prison because she broke the rules of her life licence again as she has broke it a few times before and they kept giving her chances but this time was the last straw, I spoke to my sis on fone today and she told me it was all her own fault and ive not to blame myself, so thk you all once again for your kind support x
I am sure hearing that has made you feel a bit better. We are here for you anytime Tricia :hugs:
Hi Tricia. I am glad u have been able to speak to your sister. Also that her probation officer was able to quantify the situation. Hugs, xxx
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