feel socially inept at work

[Dobbiedoo]

I'm in my forties and have over 25 years experience in office work, including working as a high level pa pre kids. Although I know I have extremely good admin skills, I've always struggled with the social side of the job, although I'm mostly fine on the phone. A boss once told me I have a nervous manner when dealing with people which makes me appear less efficient than I really am. I've tried to address this and although I believe I"ve improved in this area over the years still feel rather inept.

I now work part-time in my sister's small estate agency business. My sister and colleagues are all extremely confident in their dealings with people, including our 21 year old junior. I try to be like them but find it hard, especially when people come into the office. Yesterday, a client came in to hand in a cheque which I signed for. I stood to see her out and she said "I can show myself out". Instead of taking her to the door anyway I just said "oh, ok thankyou" and off she went. My sister looked at me, tutted and said "you still probably should have shown her out". I was mortified and know she was right but the woman caught me on the hop. I know it's only a small thing but can't stop dwelling on it and feel like an idiot.

Can anyone else relate. At my age I feel I should be so much better than this. ......

[MyNameIsTerry]

If I said I could show myself out and then was shown out anyway I would feel a little annoyance really, I can open a door. The customer was clearly ok with this and to be honest, thats more important anyway. So, I think you did the right thing.

I've worked in customer service roles most of my life and I've also worked with people up to director level when working on projects so I'm confident in my work, its other social occasions where I lack confidence, but I would feel that I was crowding someone in that circumstance if I ignored what they said for the sake of procedure. Its a fine line.

Your sister doesn't sound clear by using the term 'probably', she doubted which way was right by saying this.

If someone did it anyway for me, I would still thank them but depending on what type of mood I was in I might feel a little crowded or annoyed at not being trusted to open a door, if that makes sense.

You are never going to know the answer to that one without asking that customer. So, all you can is come up with a strategy for hanlding it in the future by either showing them to the door anyway or trusting them. After all, you did offer to do it. If you had not bothered trying then the customer may feel slightly ignored but honestly, who expects someone to go rushing over to the door for them from behind a desk in an estate agents? I wouldn't. In a bank managers office maybe it seems more appropriate but in an open plan showroom it isn't the same.

You could ask your sister if thats what she requires in her business. I wouldn't, but maybe she wants service to be that way and thats her call. If a customer then appears slightly annoyed, just feed it back and your sister faces the decision again as you are following her protocol.

So, with your confidence, is it that you feel like you don't know what to do in certain circumstances? So, you are fine the rest of the time but when this happens its like your mind has no plan B and you end up feeling a little uncomfortable and ruminate over what you should have done? Or do you have further issues e.g. assertiveness?

The boss that told you that you come over as less confident than you are, did he/she give you any practical advice on how to change this? If not, they weren't being very constructive as they should have given you some useful advice.

[HalfJack]

If I say anything like "I'll show myself out" and they do it anyway I feel like they're not really listening to me, so I'd say you did the right thing.

I generally think the feeling of being inept is the problem more than being actually bad at your job, at least if you're anything like me. I'm mortified when I make the mistake and it will haunt me for some time, when really it's not a big deal and the contribution I make is by far a positive one, as I'm sure your's is too.

I made a mistake at work recently and my boss could tell it had me a little flustered so she said "Will it blow up the country? No, so don't worry!" that's my new not worrying over small things mantra :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

If I say anything like "I'll show myself out" and they do it anyway I feel like they're not really listening to me, so I'd say you did the right thing.

I generally think the feeling of being inept is the problem more than being actually bad at your job, at least if you're anything like me. I'm mortified when I make the mistake and it will haunt me for some time, when really it's not a big deal and the contribution I make is by far a positive one, as I'm sure your's is too.

I made a mistake at work recently and my boss could tell it had me a little flustered so she said "Will it blow up the country? No, so don't worry!" that's my new not worrying over small things mantra :)

Thinking back HJ I used to say something similiar to that. I worked in a role where it was expected that you put your weekends on hold because they IT dept need to release something by X date. My response started to become "are we in the emergency services?", "will anyone die if we don't correct that system value", etc. Of course not, it just meant inconvenience to some project managers who hadn't added a contingency and well frankly, they can learn to live with egg on their face...its character building. We can't always drop everything or we end up living for out employers!!!

[Dobbiedoo]

Thanks all, that's made me feel better! Must admit, if my sister hadn't commented I doubt I would have thought I'd done anything wrong. Also, the fact she said 'probably' did make me think she wasn't sure either. It's not something people generally say. I either walk them to the door without even thinking or some people, perhaps in a hurry, are through the door and saying cheerio before I can even move!

[Oosh]

Your confidence is obviously low. You don't see any value in what you do or offer in these interactions. So list what of value you, as a person, give in these interactions. You're NOT what the other staff have to offer but you are what YOU have to offer. Different personalities offer different things. What do you offer ?

Eg
Helpful
Tactful
Sensitive
You don't do all the chit chat kafuffle so can cut through the crap and give the person what you know they're really here for.
You don't like feeling uncomfortable so like to put a person at ease in your own way.
Etc etc

Keep listing.
You'll discover the qualities you DO actually possess and offer and be more comfortable and confident in these interactions knowing you offer these valued things.

I'm crap at chit chat as I have lived with social anxiety.
But I feel I offer-

Being helpful. This is of value because customers dislike dealing with lazy, unhelpful people who don't really care.
Being respectful. This is of value because customers dislike dealing with people who don't offer them sensitivity and respect.
Honesty. This is of value because customers have had bad experiences with people ripping them off so proof of your honesty is very positive.

I can offer these things so I go into interactions with more confidence knowing of good qualities I can offer.

Instead of, you currently, going into interactions only aware of what you don't offer, what you offer less than others etc which drives your confidence and self esteem lower.

You are you, nobody else, do what it is YOU are good at.

They'll sense it from you when you feel more comfortable in your own skin and who you are.

You took feedback from the person and didn't escort the person out. Excuse me but screw your sister for then telling you you should have done what the person asked you not to do. Disagree. Your evaluation of the situation is as important as hers and , who knows, maybe even better.

Get listing and offer what you're good at. Don't say you're not good at anything. We are all good at things.

[HalfJack]

*applause*

---------- Post added at 23:39 ---------- Previous post was at 23:36 ----------

:emot-worship:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thanks all, that's made me feel better! Must admit, if my sister hadn't commented I doubt I would have thought I'd done anything wrong. Also, the fact she said 'probably' did make me think she wasn't sure either. It's not something people generally say. I either walk them to the door without even thinking or some people, perhaps in a hurry, are through the door and saying cheerio before I can even move!

So, maybe things are not as you think? We tend to be overly critical when we have anxiety, we are always judging things and second guessing situations. The reality is, review it, determine what you could have done better and move on because reliving it in your head isn't going to help anyone and it will continue this cycle making you feel worse.

Is it this situation that has had a spiral effect on you? Do you feel more confident now that you have listened to others (and so far all 3 of us have agreed with you and disagreed with your sister) and rationalised it yourself as you have shown in this post where you also thought your sister wasn't sure?

Ultimately, its her business to run how she sees fit and escorting people to the door is something she may require. If so, its something to do from now on, but it serves no purpose reliving this customer experience as its done now and lets not forget the customer was very happy with how you dealt with it...and thats the most important part. Rub customers up the wrong way and they remember it, show them great service and they remember it too. So, if you have this discussion with your sister, perhaps point out the customer was happy and you didn't want to force the situation and maybe she will see it from the customers side.

I think you did the right thing, and so do Oosh and HJ...so if we ever come in, don't worry about the door :D

[Dobbiedoo]

Oh great. Just as I'd got over this incident I now feel an idiot over something else....

Today I went to move the company car as the junior had parked it so it was blocking someone in. I reversed and hit a newly installed bollard that I simply didn't see, damaging the bumper and denting the liveried paintwork. I was mortified. I'm not a very confident driver, especially when it comes to parking. The Junior didn't help my saying "omg how on earth can you mess up reversing a small car like that?!!"

I felt a bit better when I heard someone else had knocked the opposite bollard over that morning. My sister was cool about it and said "these things happen" but I still had a sleepless night over it and am worried what her business partner will say when he sees it!