View Full Version : Feel ugly all the time.
I almost have complete control over my panic attacks now. I don't include my needle phobia (because it's so different and I'm working through it atm) but, I have control over my HA, agoraphobia and GAD 99% of the time.
The one thing that still freaks me out and makes me panic is how I look.
I still get distressed when I put on weight, have bad skin or anything that looks bad - even a bad hair day can send me into a spiral that results in a massive downer or a panic attack.
I just can't shake this, due to physical health issues I have to be careful how much exercise I do so I can't lose the weight any faster than I am (pretty slow).
I've increased my confidence, I'm working on assertiveness and I'm treating myself a lot better in general and being a lot more positive in general but none of it's effected how I see myself and how I feel about the way I look. At times I'm so self conscious I don't want people to be near me because I feel like it would be such a horrible experience for them.
MyNameIsTerry
25-10-14, 06:44
That sounds like a cognitive distortion HJ. Its obvious from your avatar that thats simply not the case!
Image issues are a typical case for acceptance, we are what we are currently and have to learn to live with that. I struggle with this too as I've put on a couple of stone and lost muscle and as a man I don't want a gut and feeling that I am not physically strong as I used to be.
Some people just seem to have it. I often see blokes that look like they could be in the programme Benidorm wandering around in shorts with a gut hanging out and I think I would never do that! I guess they just either don't care or accept themselves. I would feel embarrassed!
My reaction is more a typical depressive one, it gets me down and I feel trapped by it. I haven't taken a coat off outside in a few years, no matter how hot it is if others are around! Walking countryside roads meant I could at least get away with it!!!
I think for me its an area where I have lost my self confidence and my self esteem has been eaten away at.
The only way I tend to find helps is to say to myself thats its just now, I could change it in the future and whilst it might take a while, I can still do it. I just wish it wasn't compounded by the fact my anxiety has always focussed on sensations so hitting the weights is a biggie for me as it brings all that back.
We have 2 things in common.
I have/had a needle phobia for 20 years. I knew I had to get over it when I was pregnant with my daughter, so I had hypnotherapy and I absolutely promise you it worked - I had a blood test and wasn't even nervous. (I'd never had one before and previously it would have been unthinkable to even consider one). I can have blood taken all day now - the terror has completely gone.
I also suffer from self-loathing, to the point where, like you, I avoided going out because people would be repulsed by me. It has slightly improved from being that severe, but I still think I am unattractive and people must notice and pity me.
I don't think it makes any difference how often people tell you you are attractive, you will never believe it - in that respect, it's like HA; any number of doctors can tell you you're fine, but your brain won't believe it.
I can't offer any words of wisdom - all I can say is I understand.xxx
Thanks for the replies, and complements! :)
My boyfriend quit doing weights last year ("I'm 34 I can't be bothered") so he lost some muscle and he's got a bit of belly now too but I love it, very cuddly, which is the most important role in boyfriendom. I like that he eats what he wants and enjoys food, plus if he had a flatter tummy than me I'd be devastated!
You could try something new? Like a sport or bike rides?
I think I accept it, I've been making sure I invest in long term things to help like regular exercise and drinking more water, despite my head wanting it NOW NOW NOW. I often remind myself that no matter what I look like bodies, mine included, are amazing! They allow us to go places, touch things, see things and you only get one so you may as well love it. That keeps me from having a break down, but I'm still repulsed and ashamed.
I've really been put off the idea of hypnotherapy because I don't know how to find a good one, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the real deal and the hacks! How did you find yours?
It's really nice to know other people understand. I think for me it helps to hear that people aren't grossed out by me, it doesn't change how I feel about myself but it opens me up to the possibility that although I don't like how I look at all other people won't necessarily agree. I don't really mind looking bad, I'm more scared that other people will mind.
HalfJack, you are lovely inside and out! :)
MyNameIsTerry
26-10-14, 07:23
oohhh, he will regret that in years to come HJ, I know I did. Does he do any exercise now? It would help his depression greatly. I was reading something today about goals & motivation for me and it was spot on - us men needs goals or we sink. This is how my relapse started. So, if he finds himself rudderless, he might find exercise helps him dig his way out a bit if he used to love weights.
I would really love to start martial arts, I just can't right now due to my issues with sleep patterns as they are closed when I am up and about. I would like to cycle again but I've sadly got a space issue and I'm not sure I will be able to sort it just now...even picked out some bikes ready!!! So, I'm a bit restricted but I do walk 4-5 miles a day so thats better than nothing...my calves are like granite :yesyes:
I too struggle with the "All or nothing thinking" negative thoughts. It is important to keep perspective but it can be hard when all you see is the hear & now. Going back to that article, it said that one negative thought pattern is to be too goal orientated in that you are only interested in the result and it said it is more important to be interested in the journey to reach that goal as thats where we learn. This is very true! Because of my issues at work, in project work, it was all about end goals and this seaped into my personal life so that I view things from point A and point B and care less about the inbetween in turns of recognition. I would infact bust my arse with the inbetween to get things right but the thinking pattern was geared towards the end goal as opposed to just BEING. Its funny that when you learn Mindfulness, you start to spot its teachings all over the place as this is exactly what you learn at the start - we spend more time in DOING mode when we should just being doing things but staying in BEING mode so we are open & non judgemental.
He did a lot of heavy duty gardening stuff and got a lot of muscle back and it made him notably happier, so I think he's got it in mind that it helps but I dunno, I've suggested exercise and stuff to him but he's not really interested. He's even grown a beard. I think he's going through a phase.
Walking is great. I really miss living near nice walks. There's a river near by, might inspect that.
You're completely right, I think about the goals and not the journey. Although this time I think the only reason I've not been a total mess is because I've focussed on the reality of the situation, which is that I can't magic it away I have to take responsability for it and deal with it.
Although, I always used to just stop eating for a few days when I felt too fat, which I KNOW is really bad, but it kept my weight down and I think that's made me even more desperate for instant results.
I can't remember how I found the hypnotherapists I used (I had one for needle phobia and another for hypnobirthing - she helped me give birth twice with no pain relief).
If you Google hypnotherapy, the NHS site gives a link to the governing body for hypnotherapists - I think they come under psychotherapy.
MyNameIsTerry
27-10-14, 03:22
I can't remember how I found the hypnotherapists I used (I had one for needle phobia and another for hypnobirthing - she helped me give birth twice with no pain relief).
If you Google hypnotherapy, the NHS site gives a link to the governing body for hypnotherapists - I think they come under psychotherapy.
The NHS have qualified hypnotherapists and NICE now recommened it for certain things so they probably will be in their references to to psychotherapy as the NHS raised concerns over the lack of regulation of the hypnotherapy industry as they were finding patients who had been further damaged by poor practices. I think if not, HJ might find them on the IBS pages as hypnotherapy is a NICE approved therapy for IBS.
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He did a lot of heavy duty gardening stuff and got a lot of muscle back and it made him notably happier, so I think he's got it in mind that it helps but I dunno, I've suggested exercise and stuff to him but he's not really interested. He's even grown a beard. I think he's going through a phase.
Walking is great. I really miss living near nice walks. There's a river near by, might inspect that.
You're completely right, I think about the goals and not the journey. Although this time I think the only reason I've not been a total mess is because I've focussed on the reality of the situation, which is that I can't magic it away I have to take responsability for it and deal with it.
Although, I always used to just stop eating for a few days when I felt too fat, which I KNOW is really bad, but it kept my weight down and I think that's made me even more desperate for instant results.
It sounds like it with it being depression, I was them same. You start not shaving, washing as much, let yourself go, etc. Maybe he needs something more relevant than repititious exercise? Routine can be a real motivation killer.
The sad truth is as well HJ is that not getting enough calories each day ultimately causes your body to burn calories slower. So, you put less on but it slows what you burn causing other effects on you and this can impact your mental health.
Ah OK thanks for all the info I will get my boyfriend to look into it for me and fingers crossed I'll be on my way to needle heaven (?) soon. I can watch injections on TV now(I couldn't before) so I've made some improvements. I keep telling myself that EVERYONE I know is perfectly comfortable getting injection and that it happens everyday and is perfectly safe, normal, common. I think the fact I have a better handle on my panic attacks in general has helped.
What would you recommend? He baths a lot and he trims his beard every few days so that's something. But I do kind of think he dropped the exercise due to depression. He's masculine, I think being strong is important to him, so it does seem out of character.
I don't like eating when I'm fat, I just find it upsetting and I end up over eating, I think not eating at all just gave me a break from that and made me feel better. But yeah I don't do that now.
I'm thinking of going on a slim fast diet until christmas, and buying more fresh food for snacks in the day.
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You feeling any better this week?
MyNameIsTerry
29-10-14, 02:36
Be sensible with dieting HJ, be aware of diets that cause an impact to anxiety.
You ain't fat HJ!
Rather than skipping meals, changing what you eat will be better even if its light meals. If you eat under a certain number of calories a day your body will adjust by burning its reserves and it will break down protein quicker so you end up losing really unless you are overweight.
That was my example of when you let yourself go due to depression. I was washing but I started growing a beard and I only ever do that if I'm slobbing out on a holiday where I'm just around the house (or I was when I was working before the anxiety issues!). Its all about slowly letting go of things and before you no it, you are depressed. It sneeks up on us.
Does he get much outdoor exercise? Walking is better than nothing and helpful and didn't you mention something about wanting to do more cycling again? That would be great for him, there have been studies of cycling and its recommended for depression.
Do you know why he has gone this way? I know for me it was all about not having any reason to exist, even thought I had my family & GF, I didn't see where I fit in with the world. I think this is a big problem for men when we get older, we look around and compare to others and find ourselves rudderless. I think you mentioned he was in his thirties didn't you? I wonder if he has hit the same kind of rut I did? I was working in a role that I always found fulfilling in terms of goals but very quickly I started to see my thoughts change as I started to think about all the things I hadn't done.
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