How to deal with behaviour that upsets you

[lior]

My boss just accused me of self promotion because I used a screenshot with my name in it in a marketing animation I've made... I told her it was not intentional but I still feel really down about it.

I think she's scared that I will find better work, and she feels a bit out of control because I am using a video editing programme she doesn't have. I'm using my professional programme rather than iMovie so I can make a more professional standard film. She wants to rerecord the audio herself because my accent slipped from less than the queen's english in a part of the video. She called it 'tripping over words'. But then it will all go out of sync if she does it, and she wants to take over editing, so she'll probably edit the visuals in a really amateur way and it will all look wrong and I won't want my name on it.

She's being controlling... I'm asking myself if I am also being controlling but I don't think I am - I'm deferring decisions to her constantly. I'm trying to do the best I can. Frankly it's been really challenging to make this animation. Not everyone can do it. She can't do it. I would prefer to be appreciated and for my skills to be made use of than to feel somehow guilty that she doesn't have the same skills as me. She wants a hand in absolutely everything, she can't delegate responsibility well, and because of that the company will not be able to grow effectively. We'll be limited in what we can achieve.

And I feel really sad and demotivated because of all this. It's subtle controlling behaviour but it has such a big impact.

I met up with my friend yesterday who is learning through therapy to not accept other people's bad behaviour. We asked for directions and the man was scornful that we wanted directions in the city we live in, since they weren't from around here. He kept questioning us and my friend stood up to him in a way I never would have. I was trying to smooth it over and give him reasonable answers but she was quite direct in how she spoke to him and wanted to walk away once he'd made three scornful comments. The lady eventually showed us where to go on her phone... my friend was shaking with anger.

She showed me that you don't have to smooth things over. It's ok to stand up to people who are not being very nice. And being nice to people in the hope that they'll start being nice to you can just be a waste of time. Especially strangers. I don't know about my boss though. Don't know if I should bring up the controlling thing.

[Oosh]

Communication is always the right way to go.

How you feel about these issues is fine. There's nothing shocking there for her to hear. It think you should just choose your words carefully and communicate it to her.

Seems to me she is sort of hiring you for your expertise in that area so sounds a bit daft that she would then take your work and change it which would result in it appearing less professional.

In a very unconfrontational, tactful way where you are discussing issues with her and not belittling her abilities in anyway I'd ASK her what she thought about your concerns. You're only asking. You're not laying down the law at this point and saying "look, if you change my work, it's ridiculous and I can't put my name to it".

Youre the expert, tell her in your opinion the work may look unprofessional if she edits it or whatever. Offer solutions, alternatives that please her in some way but please you too. Like the two of you are thrashing out the correct way forward. Healthy discussion/communication.

You should probably also decide if you ARE willing to put your name to work which has been edited poorly.

That's the worst case scenario so, just in case, know if you would pull out over it or is the job that important right now that you'd bend and have her poorly edit your work.

So yeh, I've probably got the fine details wrong but communicate. She doesn't sound like an absolute psycho or fool. I'm sure you can get her to see the wisdom in what you say.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Lior, whats wrong with self promotion? I thought you were working as a designer in a contracting role? Its common sense that the work you produce would be added to your portfolio.

As far as use of software goes, as long as it does the job she shouldn't be concerned. You've chosen to use a better piece of software that will produce better results for her company, she should be happy! She also should not feel out of control that you are doing this, she is paying you for a service and she expects your skills to fulfil your contract.

If a section is not to the standard she requires, ok thats her business and she has a right to say this (in a respectful manner though) but the solution should be that you as the designer make the correction and run it back past her for appproval. She shouldn't be editing if thats your contracted role, otherwise why bother contracting in external talent?

It sounds like your relationship has taken a backwards step. I remember you complaining about this before and we were all discussing how you should show her your talents so that she left you alone more. Ultimately, this lady is a micromanager and they can be hard to manage back. Their mindset means they want to stamp their name on absolutely everything and struggle in rewarding credit to others or trusting them. This is her problem and all you can do is make it work for you because changing her beliefs is a larger problem and the way she is going she may be signing up to NMP soon.

This sounds like a discussion that will require a fair bit of tact. She needs to see that she cannot produce the same results as you but in a way that doesn't damage that micromanager pride. You gave her a lot of help at the cost of your own health so I don't understand why she has forgotten this. Ultimately, she is pushing everyone away, not giving them incentives to stay. If she thinks by downgrading peoples positions will stop them leaving, she has no clue because it will have the opposite effect.

You have a contract in place for your services don't you? Does her current decision infringe on the contract? I'm wondering if a subtle reminder of the need to fulfil your contract might make her aware?

Being nice to people in expectation that they will return this behaviour is the right way to be Lior. You don't want to be like this 'arse' who can't be civil & respectful to people asking for directions. I live in a city, I don't know every area...I guess he must have come from a little hamlet somewhere!!! It sounds like the lady was a bit embarrassed by his poor behaviour.

Assertiveness is good, stand up for yourself. But standing up for yourself is about being constructive & respectful and thats not how that guy was acting so please don't think that you shouldn't be who you are and be nice to stranger. Most people are civil, then you get the odd 'arse'...funny how such 'men' (I have to use the term loosely) tend to act this way more towards women, especially young women, but then I suppose he might find it harder with men as he might get rewarded with a 'slap'.

Don't let other people change you, change you if you need changing!

[lior]

I've been looking into myself and trying to spot if I am being overly controlling. I haven't had this discussion with her, although I know that I could/should.

I realised that she might have hired me because she doesn't know what she's doing, and she wants another person around that also doesn't know what they are doing so that I can't do better than her. As soon as I am doing something she can't do, she feels threatened.

She asks me for opinions then rejects them. I tell her things based on what I have learnt so far from design school and work experiences. She doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't want to know that her way isn't 'right'. I have learnt certain things I believe to be 'best practice' and she rejects them based on instinct.

I can't invest emotionally in this work if I have to produce work which is below the standard that I would expect from myself. She is not utilising my skills. In our appraisal I listed the skills I had that she wasn't using, including strategic direction. She told me she doesn't want to be told what to do. I have felt strongly about certain things but if she doesn't want to implement them, it's her loss. She didn't even want to take a photograph yesterday, for no reason other that 'it would take time' when actually Photoshop instead of a photo would take double the time... really she was scared of doing something new.

Anyway I asked her why she hired me, if not for my headline set of skills (user research, co-design, strategy) of which I am not using at all. She wants me to do other stuff like marketing and graphics and says that we can do the other stuff later. In the meantime, I am not honing my core skills. I am not learning things I want to learn from her. I need to change to a job where I am valued and stretched, not with my patience but within my core skills.

But I can't apply for other jobs because I mess up the interviews, because I am so depressed I can't put on a genuine elegant show. I don't say the right things and I don't represent myself accurately. And anyway there are no jobs out there that will be right for me. I don't want to do anything any more. So unmotivated and uninspired. I'm stuck. I hope my boss runs out of money so I don't need to work with her any more.

[Mindknot]

I was speaking to a colleague once about this (design industry as well), and this person was quite open about making changes for clients as they demanded, but if you think it's not right or perfect, you use another copy in your portfolio... unfortunately creative people can be some of the most stubborn people you will ever have to work with, but that does not mean it is not possible to reach a compromise - try out some of her ideas - you may be able to prove that it was an incorrect decision which means she will trust your knowledge more in the future. Move a little, but not too much, ultimately your skills will shine through, and even if you have to put something into your portfolio that you deem "not-quite-right", it can be a talking point at interviews - many employers will be as interested in the process as the final piece, try and take from in the positives - excellent skills at negotiation with the client etc...

I don't know if what I've written here makes much sense, I'm keen to get the hell out of my own office right now, because my own skills are under-used and I'm spending my time getting unnecessarily anxious about all sorts of things ;) - but I could drone on about the frustrating people you meet in creative industries all day.