Modestaustin811
01-11-14, 17:37
I'm pretty depressed lately.
I got a clear result on my endoscopy and colonoscopy, which I should be ecstatic about right? but I'm not, because it doesn't give me any answers as to why my digestive system is so messed up.
I've been told I have IBS but what does that even mean? I'm suppose to just live with my digestive system just being a mess? I guess I have IBS-A because I alternate between constipation and Diarrhea. I'm constantly uncomfortable from the belly button down. I've lost weight because I can't eat as much, I'm not comfortable ever really. As soon as I eat I get anxious, I'm wondering if I have some sort of food allergies, but everything I read about on the internet is conflicting. One thing will trigger me one day, but then it will be fine another day. I've tried eating gluten free, i've tried pretty much all restricting diets, sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't. I don't know if I'm ever doing them for long enough, or strict enough. I don't know if it's all pseudo science or based in reality.
I got tested for Celiac through biopsy and blood test, don't have it. Got checked for IBD, don't have it. Looked for cancer, I don't have it. I almost wish I had one of these so someone could take me seriously.
I still worry about gastroparesis, that's slow stomach emptying, because sometimes I'll eat something, and 4 hours later I'll still be refluxing it back up.
I do have an anxiety disorder, this I know for sure. I've been fighting anxiety for a long time, and I do jump to the worst conclusions sometimes, but I don't know how it cold be effecting my digestive system so much, even when I'm not that anxious. I don't know if it's my digestive system causing anxiety, or my anxiety causing the problems with my digestive system.
Just kind of fed up at this point, I didn't go out last night or do anything for halloween because I just wasn't feeling up for it. I went to bed early and now I'm bombarded by pictures of people having fun. If you had told me 2 years ago I would be staying in, on a friday that is halloween, I would have told you you're crazy. Part of it is I don't drink anymore because of the heightened anxiety it gives me the next day, but at least when I was drinking, when I was actually drunk, I felt a little normal, if only for a bit.
I just want to feel normal, I want to be able to do the things I want to do, I want to meet someone and settle down. I don't even toy with the idea of dating someone because it wouldn't be fair for the other person, plus I'm not confident in the way I look anymore, or how boring i've become.
I guess the next thing to do is to try medication again, but last january I had such a bad reaction to Zoloft I don't know if I can do it again. I'm so freaked out by medication. The reason I'm so messed up to begin with is because of my past drug use, when I was taking Zoloft it felt so similar to Ecstasy I felt like I was having drug flashbacks. I'm really sensitive to drugs, or pretty much anything I put in my body.
I keep feeling like I have something the doctors can't diagnose, like there has to be something more to all of this, but everything points to not. I want to have gastric emptying study, because at least that'll give me some peace of mind on the whole gastroparesis thing. But I don't know if I can even convince a doctor to refer me to get one of those.
I'm just ranting I guess. I haven't left bed yet today, I've got some homework to do, but I don't even see the point. I'm worried about flunking out of college because of how crappy I feel. I don't even know if I like my program, and i've already spent so much money on it, got money LOANED to me, that I have to go through with it. Not to mention I'm 24 and started college late. I want to get into writing more maybe, but I don't really even feel like I'm any good at it, or focused enough to even try.
I picture the direction my life is going and all I see is failure, I worry what people will think of me when they see I amount to nothing. The conclusion is I end up sad and alone, leeching off my mother while I frantically try to explain to everyone that i'm sick and no one believes me because I look well. I become a shell of my former self, forced to look at my life as what could have been while the rest of the world looks at me as what I've become. I'm scared, and lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like no one can truly understand but you guys.
I didn't intend for this to be this long, sorry, I'm just feeling defeated. I always picture my life far from now where my struggling is a distant memory, but the thought of that is becoming smaller and smaller. I wish I could just feel normal for once.
I got a clear result on my endoscopy and colonoscopy, which I should be ecstatic about right? but I'm not, because it doesn't give me any answers as to why my digestive system is so messed up.
I've been told I have IBS but what does that even mean? I'm suppose to just live with my digestive system just being a mess? I guess I have IBS-A because I alternate between constipation and Diarrhea. I'm constantly uncomfortable from the belly button down. I've lost weight because I can't eat as much, I'm not comfortable ever really. As soon as I eat I get anxious, I'm wondering if I have some sort of food allergies, but everything I read about on the internet is conflicting. One thing will trigger me one day, but then it will be fine another day. I've tried eating gluten free, i've tried pretty much all restricting diets, sometimes I feel better, sometimes I don't. I don't know if I'm ever doing them for long enough, or strict enough. I don't know if it's all pseudo science or based in reality.
I got tested for Celiac through biopsy and blood test, don't have it. Got checked for IBD, don't have it. Looked for cancer, I don't have it. I almost wish I had one of these so someone could take me seriously.
I still worry about gastroparesis, that's slow stomach emptying, because sometimes I'll eat something, and 4 hours later I'll still be refluxing it back up.
I do have an anxiety disorder, this I know for sure. I've been fighting anxiety for a long time, and I do jump to the worst conclusions sometimes, but I don't know how it cold be effecting my digestive system so much, even when I'm not that anxious. I don't know if it's my digestive system causing anxiety, or my anxiety causing the problems with my digestive system.
Just kind of fed up at this point, I didn't go out last night or do anything for halloween because I just wasn't feeling up for it. I went to bed early and now I'm bombarded by pictures of people having fun. If you had told me 2 years ago I would be staying in, on a friday that is halloween, I would have told you you're crazy. Part of it is I don't drink anymore because of the heightened anxiety it gives me the next day, but at least when I was drinking, when I was actually drunk, I felt a little normal, if only for a bit.
I just want to feel normal, I want to be able to do the things I want to do, I want to meet someone and settle down. I don't even toy with the idea of dating someone because it wouldn't be fair for the other person, plus I'm not confident in the way I look anymore, or how boring i've become.
I guess the next thing to do is to try medication again, but last january I had such a bad reaction to Zoloft I don't know if I can do it again. I'm so freaked out by medication. The reason I'm so messed up to begin with is because of my past drug use, when I was taking Zoloft it felt so similar to Ecstasy I felt like I was having drug flashbacks. I'm really sensitive to drugs, or pretty much anything I put in my body.
I keep feeling like I have something the doctors can't diagnose, like there has to be something more to all of this, but everything points to not. I want to have gastric emptying study, because at least that'll give me some peace of mind on the whole gastroparesis thing. But I don't know if I can even convince a doctor to refer me to get one of those.
I'm just ranting I guess. I haven't left bed yet today, I've got some homework to do, but I don't even see the point. I'm worried about flunking out of college because of how crappy I feel. I don't even know if I like my program, and i've already spent so much money on it, got money LOANED to me, that I have to go through with it. Not to mention I'm 24 and started college late. I want to get into writing more maybe, but I don't really even feel like I'm any good at it, or focused enough to even try.
I picture the direction my life is going and all I see is failure, I worry what people will think of me when they see I amount to nothing. The conclusion is I end up sad and alone, leeching off my mother while I frantically try to explain to everyone that i'm sick and no one believes me because I look well. I become a shell of my former self, forced to look at my life as what could have been while the rest of the world looks at me as what I've become. I'm scared, and lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like no one can truly understand but you guys.
I didn't intend for this to be this long, sorry, I'm just feeling defeated. I always picture my life far from now where my struggling is a distant memory, but the thought of that is becoming smaller and smaller. I wish I could just feel normal for once.