Fear of being Alone!

[Carnation]

Since having Anxiety, I have adopted a great Fear of being Alone. This covers every aspect from being alone in the House to the thought of my Family, Partner and Friends dying to the thoughts of being old with no-one around me. I was never like this before, didn't even cross my Mind, but it frightens me so much that I have become very clingy and emotional. There probably isn't an answer for this, because it is something that happens and will happen, but I worry, worry and more worry about being alone. :weep:

[chickpea]

The thing to remember is that the fear is not real - it is just a feeling like any other and you can let it float away. Remind yourself that no harm will come from it - therefore, you don't need anyone around to "help". You will not faint, fall apart, lose control, go mad - so try not to fear fear.
Keep yourself reasonably busy and it won't feel so bad.

[Carnation]

Yes, you are right Chickpea. I've heard this so many times. The Fear is the Fear. That's Anxiety all over. The problem is that the Mind seems to be working on it's own and causing all of this fear and you are right about keeping busy, I do that and it helps a lot. I think the Mind has become overactive in that department and as I have turned in to one the world's biggest worriers, I can't seem to switch that bit off. :ohmy:

[chickpea]

I know exactly what you mean - my brain works overtime most of the time! I have a daughter with ADHD and I sometimes under if I have it too - I wish I could shut my brain up, just for a minute! My poor husband has to listen and try to keep up while I change subjects every 5 seconds, because that is how my brain works - on overdrive!

That said, I am learning, through mindfulness, that I can't stop my thoughts but I CAN choose not to engage with them. So, if I get the thought, "how would I cope if my husband died?" (which I get quite a lot), I simply let it float past, without trying to think about it, answer it, explore it, and ultimately worry abut it.

Have you tried the Headspace downloads? They really help give a breathing space when you get overwhelmed by your mind.

[Carnation]

Thanks Chickpea, I will look at that. When I eventually go to bed, Iwill try to think of pleasant things like a nice Holiday we went on, a sunny day, a pleasant memory and that helps. Although I can't seem to do that during the day. I like to be in control and Illness and Death is beyond my Control and I can't bear to see anyone suffer any pain to the point that it makes me cry even watching an advert or reading a newspaper. There is so much bad news all the time and it just reminds me of losing my loved ones and being left on my own. :weep:

[chickpea]

Thanks Chickpea, I will look at that. When I eventually go to bed, Iwill try to think of pleasant things like a nice Holiday we went on, a sunny day, a pleasant memory and that helps. Although I can't seem to do that during the day. I like to be in control and Illness and Death is beyond my Control and I can't bear to see anyone suffer any pain to the point that it makes me cry even watching an advert or reading a newspaper. There is so much bad news all the time and it just reminds me of losing my loved ones and being left on my own. :weep:

We sound very similar.
I have stopped watching or reading anything that is likely to be upsetting recently, since losing a friend to breast cancer a couple of months ago.
I lost my dad 6 years ago, and actually, impossible as it seems, life does go on - just in a different way.

Your ideas about remembering happy times is a good one. In Paul McKenna' s book to stop stress, he suggests imagining a time when you felt really good and in control - see what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you felt - make it really vivid and large in your head and when you're there, press together your thumb and index finger. Keep repeating this until just pressing your fingers together makes you feel calm and relaxed.

If you go to the Headspace site, you can do a ten day mindfulness course for free. Ten 10 minute guided meditations, which you can repeat as often as you want (not just over ten days) - they are really good and very simple.

[Sunflower2]

The problem I have with being alone is that my mind just is let loose and makes me feel awful! When I'm with others I don't notice it so much. I just worry so much more alone! I think we need to start associating nice things with being alone, then when we are alone, instead of dreading it and then brining on the old anxiety, we look forward to it and all the good reasons for being alone. That's how I'm attacking this issue anyway! And I'm not such a mess alone any more :)

[Carnation]

Thanks for the tips Chickpea, I will give it a go. I also lost my Father 6 months ago and it is a fact, Life does go on, in a different way, but it does feel strange.

[chickpea]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, Carnation.
It's not surprising you worry about being alone - I definitely think losing a parent changes your whole perspective on life and brings mortality into sharp focus. It's early days for you - it does get easier, I promise.

[jonjones]

Hi Carnation,

I also at times get thoughts that scare me. They can range from anything like my health, to if humanity is going to come to an end in another world war!
But I am no longer at their mercy, here´s why;

Ever start cooking something in the oven and then do something else. You dont take not of ¨there´s something in the oven¨ yet every few minutes or so the though will come into your head of, ¨I wonder how my lasagne is doing in the oven, I better see if its done yet!¨etc

You didnt have to take note of whether or not to check on your food but because your subconscious knows that its important to you it makes your conscious mind aware of it, and you get the thought.

And the same thing happens with anxious thoughts. Just look at how much importance we give them. We may think ¨oh what would happen if I lost my job?¨ Our heart palpitates, we sweat etc, and we get scared by the thought. So our subconscious mind thinks this is an important thought.

And also its a question thought. It hasnt been resolved. So then we stop thinking of it and it goes back to our subconscious. Then because our sunconscous knows its important it sends it back to your conscious minds again. It gives us another fright, we analyze it and then eventually it leaves again, only for the process to repeat again.

Heres how I got to make them lessen until they come less and eventually go. Im still plagued by some but they are dying down. Anyway when I get the thought I initially get a little chock, but instead of letting it scare me more I take a deep breath and I say to myself, ¨This is a silly little thought, Im only scared by it because my mind and nervus system are tired. Im going to let this thought be here in mind as long as it wants, it means nothing!¨

By wecloming the thought like this we take back the power, and are no longer at their mercy, then they come back less often and with less effect. Until eventually it just melts away.

So welcome the thoughts and let them tay as long as they want but do not be fooled by them, they mean absolutely nothing. So take the fear away from them!

Best,

Jon

[Carnation]

Thanks, I will try that JonJones. I find that I think more about the 'What If's' than daily routine and forgetting things like putting the rubbish out and making sure there is enough milk in the fridge. I am so taken over with; how will I manage in the future? How am going to cope when my Mum dies? How will I sought the House out? Am I going to landed with lots of bills? How will I cope financially. Will I be living on the streets? Will I be sectioned at some point in my Life? I will never find anyone like my Partner; who understands me and treats me right. Even the loss of my Cat bothers me. But, I have to say using the logical side of the brain that when my Father died; Yes, I was upset, but I coped with the Funeral and acted as Executor for my Mum. And, when we lost our Business and our Home, I coped with that too. And so on. We just cope if we have to. Even coping with Anxiety. We always find a way to cope, change our lives accordingly and meet new people. (I've just realized that I have answered my own question). What I can't cope with is my loved ones suffering. I don't like to see anyone in pain. (I would never make a Nurse, I would be too upset all of the time). :ohmy:

---------- Post added at 18:23 ---------- Previous post was at 18:21 ----------

Just realized you are from Spain. Can I ask whereabouts?

[IrishLondon]

Hey Carnation

I completely understand the thoughts you have of loneliness. I keep worrying about what I'll do if my parents die. I often think, if I'm anxious now, what will I do then? But I'll get through it, like we all will. This anxiety is a clever thing, making us fear our own thoughts. I'm really grateful for this forum...it makes me realise what I'm feeling both physically and mentally isn't just something felt by me. I'm becoming more aware of where my recent anxiety spike has come from so im hoping I'm slowly pulling myself out of this. Thanks to people like you and Jon!

[johnno]

I think when fear arises the first thing that happens is we have a thought, the thought then flourishes into a complete imaginative story, then we react and as soon as we react we try our best to divert our attention, quite naturally. I find for these thoughts, once I recognised that I was trying evade the thought, I wondered what would happen if I just allowed it and watched it run its course. For me this helped.
Now alot of thoughts that pop up I now approach with curiosity. I find that when a thought grips you it can be helpful to become aware of where you are, it helps, for me, as it confirms it is all just thought of what may happen.
When I try not to control the thinking, try not to avoid it and Just watch it. I familiarise myself with its pattern and eventually it just doesn't bother me; eventually going altogether.
Trying to 'run away' from it never worked for me so I thought bugger I might as well just stop fighting it and I found its like a lock been broken and allow the flood out and eventually it stops.

[Carnation]

So, it's fighting the Fear!!!!

[johnno]

Well I feel that is what creates the stress and suffering. The fear is only there aslong as the thought that is creating it is there. So our first reaction is to ignore it, that is difficult. We may also attempt to suppress it or distract ourselves. The problem here is that we just create a block. Its a bit like taking a pen away from a writer before he's finished a book. He will be agitated and frustrated til he gets it back. It is as if our thoughts want to complete themselves but we often block that and it keeps yelling to be let out. So watching them is like saying, "Go on then I'll let you say what you wanted to say". The feelings that accompany it should be viewed the same way. It might take a little while because as soon as it gets unpleasant we back to reacting by fighting it again. There should be less 'musts' and 'shoulds' witgwith thoughts because we are just not accepting it completely then. Its basically getting to understand the minds habits. It has less power when we begin to predict its outcome. We just sort think, ah there's that one again and it becomes less personal to us, and more like someone telling a story to us. This is how it is for me anyway.

[Carnation]

Yes, I find that with the Symptoms. When the muscle starts twitching or shooting pain or eye twitching; I do say, "Here we go again, do your worst Anxiety, I can't be bothered to notice you are even there." And, it does stop and the symptoms fade, so there is definitely something in that. I just can't stop the thoughts of impending doom. That seems harder to do, to basically stop worrying.

[isthisasgdasitgets]

Thank you to all who have posted tips...I haven't been on in a while but have had a blip and feeling alone and worrying about everything. Reading your comments made me not feel so alone. :hugs:

[Carnation]

Welcome to the clan isthisasgdasitgets? :)

[isthisasgdasitgets]

Thanks Carnation. :)
Hope everyone's feeling a little better and not so alone x