Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder

[Jacsta]

Hi all

Thought I would post a wee update as I owe a lot to those from this site who have responded to posts and chatted me through bad patches in the past.

As some will know My mental health went downhill a few months ago and I was admitted to a mental health ward at the end of august through A & E for my own safety.

I was in hospital for 7 weeks and to be honest it wasn't the best experience due to changes of Drs and staff as the ward is due to close in Feb....the last thing you need when you are unstable is instability!

Anyhoo, without the boring details I was discharged in a similar state as I was when admitted, with referrals to crisis team until further support and therapy became available.

I went to a distress tolerance screening clinic and met with a psychologist a few times whilst in hospital and after a few sessions with my crisis team worker they are pretty sure that I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

I have little understanding of this illness, but have basically been told its because I had a disrupted childhood and teenage years (which is totally correct). I tried researching it online but it keeps saying borderline personality disorder and when asking my crisis team worker if they are the same, she told me she would get me some literature to read.

Now yes this is progress. And she is great and knows a hell of a lot about it....and can predict my own head battles before I tell her about them.....unfortunately for me though therapy has a waiting list....and I am still...er....incredibly emotionally unstable....

Although I've been told my behaviour and thoughts are completely normal and acceptable, they are disturbing and hard to deal with....for me and those around me....

so I guess my head battles continue, until therapy.....at least my husband has been referred for carers support....and she is making me a psych medic apt to review my meds as they aren't working so there is no point being on them.

Yes I have to take it day by day...but this is hard when I can't function in everyday life....I have spent the majority of the past 3 days in bed. I can't work at the moment and am terrified I am going to lose my job as my head is so broken....and a fear...and backed up from evidence fact from the past tells me I'm going to lose people I love along the way.

I didn't know where to post this as yes I'm anxious, but apparently my illness runs way deeper than general anxiety and depression which is what the docs have fobbed me off with for 13 years...but any advice or support people have would be muchly appreciated.

xx

[MissLady83]

Sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. I don't know much about that illness myself. Don't worry about work, it'll only make you more anxious. The main priority is you getting help and the right meds to give you a more rested mind.

[Moley]

Hey jacs,
Hopefully now that you have a diagnosis they can finally figure out the best treatment for you.
I have not heard of that disorder so cant help you any there but wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery.

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts you will get there

[lior]

Labels can be scary. The most important thing is that you make progress. This label could help you make progress, if it helps therapists understand how best to talk to you. It's weird being told that you are something, when you don't understand what that something is. Don't we all want to define who we are without being told what we are?

I wouldn't worry too much about what label they assign you with. Ultimately you are a unique person with unique experiences and you won't fit neatly into any textbook all of the time. The understanding our doctors have of mental health is still relatively small compared to how much we understand about physical health for example. How they talk about you now is very different to how they will talk about us in 50 years - or even 25 years. They're just doing the best they can with the tiny bit of funding they have. So basically, don't let their label define your entire identity if it makes you feel bad. It's just a way they can use to communicate with each other and perhaps know how to treat you better.

I know how you feel about being afraid to lose your job and people around you that you love. So far I have learnt to seek support from many different places so that no one person is dragged down too much by me. I'm sure you already know that though. My therapist says to remember that it takes time, and to remind myself that I am in therapy and working on making myself feel better. When things seem too bad to deal with, I try to remember that I am working on it, even if I don't feel like I'm progressing most of the time.

[Catherine S]

I was admitted to a mental hospital in 1978 when I was 35 yrs old...and yes they really did call it that in the 1970's...because my mental health was unstable. I was there for 3 months. We were locked in the ward at night, to stop any of the men from their wards getting in, and also to stop any of the female patients on my ward getting out. It was a challenging experience that I won't bore you with now.

What makes me sad today 36 years later, is that nothing seems to have changed in dealing with mental illness...its the 'same old same old'. Maybe mental illness doesn't have a solution. Maybe we have to accept that the 'professionals' can't cope with it and that we have to live with what we have....why does 'normal' have to mean freedom from mental illness? What is mental illness anyway...who gave it that title? We are all unique, which means we don't follow a pattern. Think about it....who is anybody to tell us we are mentally ill? We are just sensitive people doing our best to get through life as we know it.

ISB x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Jacsta,

Good to see you back. I think this place will always help you because despite any diagnosis, anxiety is similiar in many of its elements so we can all learn how to tackle even smaller elements to help us recover as well as taking the big route through therapy.

What you have been diagnosed with is another term for BPD. I'm a bit disappointed that the crisis team worker (CPN?) didn't know this and seems to need to go and ask someone so she can get you information. I guess, take what you can from them but you are right to research it as well as it will help you challenge any issues in your care from medical professionals. Some are better than others sadly.

Here are some links you may wish to have a read of including one that is a user story on the Time To Change website:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/personalitydisorder.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Personality-disorder/Pages/Definition.aspx

http://www.mentalhealth.com/home/dx/borderlinepersonality.html

http://www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=9&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CFkQFjAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rethink.org%2Fresources%2Fb%2 Fborderline-personality-disorder-bpd&ei=0fFaVMvnI8WYPIb6gMAL&usg=AFQjCNGf6rz7C0FSfXvr7HMqGaemgKho5Q&sig2=5c_qmBvhSOisEpS7dujFXA&bvm=bv.78677474,d.ZWU

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder/#.VFrzLjSsWSo

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/living-with-emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder

[Jacsta]

Thanks all. The cpn knows alot about personality disorder and there are many types. She is really good but wants to get me relevant info for me.

ISB im not naive enough to wish complete freedom from mental illness....i know that it will be with me forever.....it is part of the reason that this "blip" is worse than others because i have questioned whether i can live with me having this illness forever. Yes my hospital stay wasn't pleasant but that is because they want people treated at home rather than institutionalized.....i can see their point...but the care i received wasn't up to standard.

The issue at the moment is I am in between services so the crisis team are stuck with me even though they have admitted there isn't much they can do....my cpn from there is good at chasing other services and calming my instability down though.....shame she isn't around 24/7

[MrAndy]

I was admitted to hospital twice jacsta and I can tell you however bad you feel right now you can recover fully,I'm at about 90% now after two years
Forget the label they have given you and work on recovery,it will come in good time but you now have to come 1st forget work etc can wait ,just concentrate on yourself for a while

[Elen]

Jac sorry hun I don't have the right words. The fact that she understands the problem is a huge bonus.

Hang in there and see what treatment brings.

[chickpea]

I was admitted to hospital twice jacsta and I can tell you however bad you feel right now you can recover fully,I'm at about 90% now after two years
Forget the label they have given you and work on recovery,it will come in good time but you now have to come 1st forget work etc can wait ,just concentrate on yourself for a while

My dad has BPD and was admitted to hospital following a total breakdown and wanting to kill himself.
He recovered and went on to enjoy a busy life, travelling abroad a lot, socialising, going to rock and pop concerts in his late 60's and early 70's.

[Jacsta]

Been reading some of the info terry shared (thanks).....i feel i relate to cluster b which is bpd and cluster c with is the anx one so will discuss with cmhn on tuesday.

I am a person who always wants to know why so getting info and understanding the condition that the professionals are going along with is important to me as i would challenge an incorrect "label".

I am having impulse issues at the moment which is causing worry to friends and family. I am self destructive, because i guess part of me cant be bothered to fight anymore as well as being terrified of failing if i do get up and try.

the crisis team suggest i write my thoughts and feelings down...when i do this in a personal diary i get overwhelmed, so sharing on here reduces that feeling i guess so i hope you dont mind me thinking out loud on here.

thanks again terry for the info, my mind couldn't focus enough to find appropriate links myself x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Jacsta,

There are other members who keep diaries on here because it helps them, do that if its better for you. Diaries are useful but I guess for some they can be a bit isolating as well.

I agree, I'm like you in that respect, I like to understand the issue in order to fix it. I have also found a lack of understanding or ability to diagnose in my own case and by coming to this forum I have found out what I need to know to confirm my diagnosis. My therapist did this but said she wasn't allowed to diagnose and despite her writing to me GP on several occassions, he still hasn't accepted I have OCD! It can be a silly system at times and its important to be able to manage your GP at times, which is frustrating and not everyone can do it, but if you feel you can, its something to consider (very hard with HA though!).

I thought I would add you some links, I know when I'm at my worst all the information can be overwhelming and you've been through far more than I ever have. I thought a user story might help too as it can be much more detailed in terms of the real life scenario as opposed to the medical sites.

My therapist said she thought I could have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) as I had the minimum 4 criteria to qualify. However, I can see myself in some of the other clusters in the odd criteria. I think this is why there may be a minimum criteria because we can see ourselves in more than one, but when I did some additional reading for mine it said I would be resistent to the opinions of others which is the main core belief system in OCPD and I just don't have that hence I can't have OCPD despite having the minimum criteria. So, it seems a very complicated business. I think the right approach is that you are doing in researching and asking about it.

Really please to hear your CPN is good, that will help immensely. I've only ever heard of it referred to as BPD before, so perhaps whilst EUPD is a European term, the UK uses BPD?

[Jacsta]

Yea after research from your lovely links they are the same thing. From what I've read and discussed they are resistant to actually tell the patient that they have personality disorder even if they are pretty sure....but as we have discovered some of us are better at getting better through understanding.....i think doctors are finally realising that its ok for patients to understand and learn about conditions.....in the past as a culture even with physical illness people were like "yes doc ill do whatever you recommend" even if it didn't work.

I'll discuss the different clusters with the CPN on Tuesday. Lucky for me I have my foot in the door now at the psych unit and personality disorder clinic so my GP just goes along with what they suggest.....even though they are pretty good anyway since i joined their practice.....I guess it's a shame that i had to become so poorly that i had urges and attempts to take my own life because I couldn't cope anymore and was hospitalised to get my foot in the door....seems pretty backward to me as when i was "coping" alone with this illness I was a fully functioning nurse working full time...


Apparently for personality disorder mindfullness is a really good tool....I have yet managed to retain concentration long enough to attempt this on my own, but it is going to be part of my long term therapy by the sounds of the mentalisation i have been referred for.

Why does life have to be so complicated if we have an .... eventful .... start in life :/

[MyNameIsTerry]

I know what you mean, I see it all the time on this forum. GP's are not very well educated on anxiety and if you press them on issues you soon find out they don't know and sometimes they try and bluff their way out of it. I found this once I started researching my anxiety disorders. I can understand it why to some degree, they have little time for anything more than a basic infection, but its not like we can actually access a specialist unless we go to the extremes as you have. GP's can end up being a barrier to services.

Too much information can be a bad thing in some conditions but for us we need to understand it in order to reduce it. If this wasn't the case then I would question why they push CBT on everyone when CBT has a series of sequential steps, one of the early ones being education on what you are being treated for. So, GP's can't use the old excuses and the attitude of "trust me, I'm a doctor" is a generational thing...my dad says this to me (he's in his early seventies) because that how it was for his generation. Back then, GP's could get away with things they can't now and they are held accountable in order to maintain standards. Its a symptom of an earlier period of time which includes the old class gaps which are now gone, we no longer say "thanks very much governor" and dock our flat caps.

I think you need to concentrate on the positives though now. You have a GP listening to the experts and you have access to the right services. Its horrible that you have had to go through all of this, and I bet it seemed doubly ludicrous to a nurse, but you've made it through now and your priority is recovery. Once you get further on, you have the option of showing others your story and continuing to help people as you have done on here in the past.

Its really interesting that they are recommending Mindfulness. It just shows how popular it is becoming that they are using it in more complex cases. From my own reading about PD's it was indicated that they are harder to treat than anxiety disorders as they are so ingrained and it can take longer to retrain all these ways og thinking. It makes sense because anxiety is all learnt behaviour but PD's have reached further down into personality traits and altered them away from your previous norms.

I think most people would agree with you on how it can be hard to start Mindfulness. I struggled with it for about 3 weeks because I was so symptom focussed and my mind was racing so much. It then took a couple of months for me to feel it properly. I doubt this will be the same for you because I basically was given a couple of meditation tracks by my therapist and you will have more advanced dedicated people who specialise in it, whereas mine were just starting to use it. I found that guided meditation is good to teach you the basics but other methods such as mindful eating, object handling and movement really teach you the practice from different angles. This helps to fill in the gaps.

After about 6+ months I saw a shift in my attitude to a more positive one. I still had a lot of negative blips but I felt stronger and more resilient. The more you do it and the longer the period you start to find yourself doing it without really consciously starting the process off. I find myself focussing on things in the mindful way and I have also found my level of focus is far greater.

Professor Mark Williams MBCT Frantic World book is one I have started using to boost my mindful practice and its so good at explaining it all. Something he mentions makes a lot of sense, amongst many other things, where he states that anxious people stop focussing properly. They just can't operate that level of focus anymore. I can tell you this is spot on because as I have moved on in my recovery I have found I can focus in a deeper, more natural way. I think I still need to do a lot of work here but my OCD has greatly reduced, much of it has gone completely, and I've found I'm less confrontational as well. I have my moments, but things are bothering me less.

I put all of that down to this because CBT only worked to a point and it was only once my therapist started me on this that I noticed real tangible changes.

When I first started, I had a CBT session about 2 weeks later. She asked whetehr it was helping and my answer was "I can't see how this is going to help me, I'm struggling with it". I came back 2 weeks after that to the same question and I was much more positive about it. As I said, it did take me months to really feel it 'in session' when meditating but it was at least relaxing and prior to this 2nd meeting (I was about half way through CBT at least by this time) I was out walking on a nice sunny day and felt the need to sit on the bank of an old overgrown stream by a railway. I just sat, listening to the noises, watched the wildlife and the grass blowing and I was touching the grass, running it through my fingers, etc. It was one of the most peaceful things I have ever felt. I had a couple of these 'breakthroughs'. If I could experience that all the time, it would be well worth it!

[Jacsta]

That sounds really positive Terry.

You may have noticed I've woken up in a better mood today...I am open to leaning and understanding and living in the now, in the today rather than worry about everything I have to do to get better (even typing that caused a nervous glitch in my belly...*cough* ... moving on)...

Just to let people know....my GPs seem to be one of the few that are exception to the barrier rule...they seem really caring...I've seen 3 different doctors at the practice so far and all have been caring and attentive to what I was going through and this was even before the hospital admission. My surgery even have a mental health nurse working at the practice as well as a psychologist for therapy....of course there is an immense waiting list, but at least they are trying to provide holistic care to patients rather than follow the national flow chart for someone complaining of feeling anxious or depressed...

The only reason I am going through the community services is because they are definitely more specialised to my newly diagnosed condition...I'm sure I'd had been diagnosed eventually....but my breakdown sped up that process slightly...although I've been told that my hospital admission may have prolonged my recovery as it fed my need to waver taking responsibility for myself for a while, therefore feeding the negative symptoms.....although I'm still up for someone taking responsibility for making all decisions in my life at the moment lol.

Anyhoo...back to the here and now ;) ... I'm using my energy this morning to go out shopping, so I can construct my own version of posh afternoon tea for my sister and niece....whether I have the energy to eat it this afternoon is another matter....but at least I'll have been out!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats got to be good then, I bet not long ago you would struggle thinking you would have better times.

Being open minded is a real struggle with all this so you are ahead of the curve there and you will more easily adapt to new strategies. You do sound more positive as well. I think people often don't realise that they start a thread in one manner and a few posts on they seem much better so these forums can be useful to recognise things like this. Its good you can see it as well, it always brings a sense of hope. Its like when your mood just lists on a sunny morning, you feel different and things seem possible again.

Are you still doing the creative stuff you were when you were in hospital? There seems to be a lot of loom band stuff out there. Did you see that dress on Ebay that was going for a small fortune?

It sounds like you have got a really good surgery there, worth hanging onto.

Have a nice time shopping. Getting out and about is so important with all this, I think part of it is feeling more like we have normality. :yesyes:

[Jacsta]

Yes still doing a lot of colouring in and going to take up painting, although supplies can be pricey.

I have two kittens now to look after though so loom banding...no practical when they're around.

Think I over did it with the shopping trip, walked there and back in the rain, bought far to much and my arm muscles and sprained foot have been tested....lazy rest of day for me ;).

My mood changes hour to hour, I can be very positive....and very negative....today I'm just going with whatever

[Jacsta]

So yea.....mood changes

Haven't slept a wink, migraine has worsened so i'm becoming photosensitive....i feel sick, anx, fed up and at my wits end......this is what happens when i am a good girl, be productive, use distraction techniques and resist acting impulsively on urges.

Crisis team couldn't suggest any more than i've tried to wind down....i've watched a dvd, had hot chocolate, listened to relaxing music, coloured in, had a bath and god knows what else.....so i'm now booked in at docs for 8am to see if they can give me drugs to calm me down or knock me out or get rid of this headache.

Then of course i can look forward to my crisis team visit at 12pm......so still won't be able to sleep.

Rant over....add ranting to my attempts to calm me down...