Just really had the need to write tonight....

[IrishLondon]

Hi everyone,

I need to distract my mind tonight - so I decided to write. I find when I get home from work and lie on the couch my mind and anxiety go into overdrive. My mind starts making me more aware of the sensations in my body and i start feeling restless and agitated - and I start really worrying if I will sleep or not. I don't know how I can stop my mind picking up on these things so I thought if I write something it might take my mind off it. You will all be sick of my posts at this rate!!

My brain still hasn't fully come around to the fact that what i'm feeling right now is anxiety. I know it is - but at the same time I don't believe it is, if that makes any sense. There's like this constant argument going on inside me saying..."yes it is anxiety" and then "no it isn't, there's something wrong!"

But i've been here before. 5 years ago anxiety hit me out of nowhere. I went from a carefree 27 year old, to someone who was constantly nauseous and dizzy. The palpitations and awful insomnia quickly followed - the docs did all the tests - i completely dismissed any suggestion of anxiety. Until i eventually broke down and i had to take months off work - it was the I accepted what the doctors were telling me.

Fastfoward 5 years and i'm going through exactly the same thing - i'm lying here with the same fear i've had 5 years ago and I've had similar relapses nearly every year since then. They've always followed the same pattern - but i've always got through them and most of the time things have been good.

But when you're in the middle of it, like I am now, I just can't seem to pull myself out of this. I have this huge fear that this restlessness i'm feeling will stop me sleeping for good - and without sleep i can't work or socialise - and without that my life will be ruined. I know it sounds crazy, but that's currently how my mind is working right now and i'm scared. Just feeling scared all the time.

I just needed to get some of that out there - and thanks to any of you who got to the end of it! I'm not really sure if i'll get any replies - but I guess if anyone can relate I'd really appreciate hearing from you right now.

Thanks a lot
Ryan

---------- Post added at 21:54 ---------- Previous post was at 21:02 ----------

I'm guessing that was a poor choice of a subject!! Lol

[chickpea]

I think writing is a great way of trying to get a handle on your anxiety. If your mind is occupied, it's less likely to wander off into a million worries.

I think anxiety is like any form of illness - when you're well, you can't imagine feeling awful...and when you're in the grip of awful, you can't imagine ever feeling well again. But you WILL feel better, Ryan - minute by minute, it will change almost without you realising.
In fact, you ARE better already - you have written without saying, "I think I need to call a doctor" and without saying you can't cope. You are working through your anxiety, not giving in to it tonight.
Xxx

[Carnation]

Hi Ryan, it's Carnation again. I too seemed to get over it, then relapsed. You end up getting so familiar with the symptoms that they become annoying more than anything. And, you start asking yourself, "Why? What did I do wrong? I got better and there is not really anything in particular that I can think of that has set me off again." That is what is puzzling. It could be that the Mind/Body had not fully repaired and is just working too hard and the stressful day-to-day life may be enough to set you back. It seems like our bodies are trying to tell us something. So, then we think, OK, I need rest. So, then we lie down on the couch or chill out watching TV and the Anxiety Symptoms get worse. That is a scenario that we all seem to be in and the only answer I have is 'Adrenalin'. Our Minds are racing so much that it pumps too much adrenalin in to the body. I found that it is much better to keep busy all of the time. The thoughts in our subconscious are pounding away problems, fears, panic and worry. We have to sort of re-train the Brain and tell it not to worry and relieve the adrenalin through exercise and pleasantries. That is easier said than done, but it can be done, and we are not going to let the Anxiety get the better of us. We will Win! :)

[IrishLondon]

Aw thanks Chickpea!!

I really do appreciate that. And you're right - sometimes when you're in the thick of it, you don't see the small changes. So thanks very much for pointing that out to me!

I should have learnt by now, that these things can't be rushed. Day by day - that's what i'm telling myself.

Thanks again - your message really really has meant a lot to me!

Ryan x

---------- Post added at 22:06 ---------- Previous post was at 22:02 ----------

Thanks Carnation!!

You are so right! We will in. Like we have done before! And each time we will learn a little bit more.

I'm so grateful to be able to come on here and talk through worries with like minded people. It's a really supportive community and previously i've seen it as a really important component to my recovery and it will be once again.

The times when i'm not busy are the worst times for me - so coming on here is almost like my way to keeping busy when i'm lying on the sofa. Writing posts and reading how other people are doing, stop me focussing so much on myself and that's always a good thing for me!

We'll get each other through this, i'm sure of it

Loads of love to all of you
Ryan

---------- Post added at 22:13 ---------- Previous post was at 22:06 ----------

By the way - and this might be my emotional state talking - but I want to give both of you a massive hug now :D

[chickpea]

Sending a huge hug right back! :hugs:

I had a complete nervous breakdown 5 years ago - I mean, I couldn't function at all really; couldn't eat, couldn't drive, couldn't look after my children, couldn't sleep, couldn't really think even. I have been through some bad times in my life (losing my dad after 6 months in intensive care, being attacked at knifepoint, being attacked by an abusive partner) but that period of my life was the worst.

BUT! I got through it and I got happy - probably happier at times than ever before, because I've learnt to appreciate the very simple things in life like enjoying a meal with my husband and children, walking my dogs, a good night's sleep, a long soak in the tub with a new book.
People who suffer with anxiety are sensitive - but that's a plus when life is good again; we get to appreciate the small stuff. And when you've been down, you soon learn what matters and what doesn't.

You come across (both you, Ryan, and Carnation) as lovely people with lots to give - probably, giving too much has had a lot to do with why you're suffering now - don't lose site of that; you'll shine again.:yesyes:

[pulisa]

Irish London, I very much empathise with how you are feeling and the very fact that you are still able to hold down a job is such a credit to you when each minute can be torture.

Just keep writing down your thoughts and fears on here. People are so kind and helpful-far more so than the majority of mental health "professionals" who sometimes can be dire in their comprehension of how devastating anxiety can be. The very word "anxiety" sounds so benign when we know how it can totally dominate and torment everything about you.

You can and will get through this.

[Carnation]

Thank you Chickpea. I think the same of you. :) And, yes, I am sensitive. Too sensitive. And, like yourself, now appreciate the simplest things in Life that I probably took for advantage before I had Anxiety. Chickpea, you have been through it, just one of those is enough trauma, let alone three! You are brave and have courage. Don't forget to treat yourself, you deserve it! :)

Ryan, you have all the support you need here and you have only just scratched the surface. It does help to share your pain and symptoms. For one thing, it stops you going Crazy! :)

[IrishLondon]

Hi ChickPea, Carnation and Pulisa,

Thanks for your messages. It's so nice to come on here and read the posts from you lovely people.

You are all come across as sensitive and lovely people. And I agree I think that anxiety and sensitivity both go hand in hand.

I also appreciate the small things when I am well - my friends always say to me that I'm so easily pleased. I love a good cup of tea, or a nice walk or just a good laugh in the pub with friends. I just can't wait to get back to those good times again.

For certain, this forum is another part of therapy for me. And a very very important part at that. Tonight i'm feeling ok actually - but there's still that anxious rumbling underneath just waiting for something bad to happen!

Big hugs again to you all
Ryan

[Abarth]

Hi Ryan. Good to hear you are having a better day. You certainly have a handle on what you are going through, which is really positive. It is so strange how we can so clearly see the locomotive coming down the track towards us. We know what it is and what it will do when it gets to us, yet we still can't get out of the way of it! It is as if we are seduced by it against our will. I too have gone through the cycle you describe many times over the years. My ability to articulate what is happening to me is now so well honed, one would have thought that a strategy for resolution would be a cynch, after all I can help others with the same issues; so why not ourselves?? It's really odd, but I have come to the conclusion that there is almost no reasoning with it. I know what it is, I know how it makes me feel and I know that my fears are mostly unfounded or at best remote. However, I am still paralyzed with anxiety over the self same things. I'm not really sure what I am trying to say here other than I now treat the anxiety as a totally separate entity. Sometimes logic works on it, other times the harder you battle it, the more it fights back increases ones sensitivity. Sometimes, if I know i'm really up against it and I'm not going to win, I simply don't indulge it. Starve it of the attention it requires to cripple me. In the end, time tells and I have come through every episode eventually. Keep your glass more than half full and don't feed the anxiety. Do what you are doing by focussing on all the great things you have and in the end they will win through and push the beast back and out of your thoughts.
Stay positive.
Ant

[IrishLondon]

Thanks Ant,

Yes it's ironic isn't it - I can read other peoples posts on there and provide advice but I just can't do the same for myself. It's like my brain hasn't learnt from any of the previous times that I got through - I guess that's just one of the tricks anxiety plays on us.

I've had an ok day. But do have this feeling that at any moment i'm going to slip back to how to the place I was last weekend....which I really don't want to happen. I think the counselling last night stirred up a lot of emotions, so I think that's partly what I'm feeling just now.

How are things going with you Ant?

[chickpea]

Evening, Ryan.
Just remember what the lovely Claire Weekes says - don't try to keep a grip on yourself, as it will only increase your anxiety. Let yourself go , flop, relax, go loose and that nagging low hum of anxiety will disappear.
You are making progress - esspecially if you are worried about going back to a previous state; you can only go backwards if you've first moved forwards.:yesyes:

Keep looking up!
Xxx

[IrishLondon]

Thanks so much chickpea!

Your posts really do make me smile. I have definitely made progress since this time last week - just need to recognise that and not try to control things too much. I think that's one of my big faults, trying to control things and expecting changes too quickly. Must get back to reading Claire Weekes!!

[Abarth]

Hi Ryan. Go to agree with Chickpea here! You now know where you need to be and can get there - don't look back! I've not had too bad a day today, it's actually got better as the day has gone on and I managed some reasonably rigourous exercise tonight and that really helps. I'm going to seize the moment, have a glass of wine and enjoy. Raising a glass to all our good health!!!!

[IrishLondon]

Thanks Ant mate!

I have put another post on here about exercise - just looking for recommendations. What do you find is best? Cardio or lifting weights?

[Abarth]

Cardio for me. I'm into my sport, but since I bust my back 7 weeks ago I have been living a sedentary life. Just got back to being able to play again and it made me feel worlds better. Gym just doesn't work for me, I get bored too easily!!!