Really depressed today

[eeesh]

I hate threads like this but I'm struggling today. I've just received my letter in the post for my ultrasound appointment. This will be on the 24th November for my sublingual lymph nodes and my abdomen. The doctor only gave it to me because I strongly insisted.

I'm just so depressed. I can't bring myself to do anything. I'm convinced something is wrong but it's all so exhausting. It's my brothers birthday today and I'm struggling with the thought of leaving the house. I've handed in my notice at work but now I'm wondering what in going to do with my life. I have to wait until the 24th for the scan and then I'll have a a week of panic until I find out if anything is wrong. I don't see how it couldn't be? And if the scan comes back fine then what of the visible nodes in my groin and the pain in my abdomen that's lasted a good 2 months now.

It's all just worn me out. I haven't been to the gym in weeks, I have lost so much weight because I can't bring myself to eat. I'm snappy and generally unpleasant to be around. It's hard for people to be sympathetic when my explanation for this is 'I think I might have a terrible illness' which is hardly convincing to people, nor does it justify how I'm being.

Sick of it. Really am.

[Liziik]

Sorry to hear you are havingn a rubbish time! Glad to hear you have your appointment though then hopefully after all of that you can start to feel better :) try and think positively I have had the stomach pains you experience and it was due to anxiety. Also my bfs glands are up in his groin he said they had been there since April and he doesn't care! ( so wish I was like that!) it's your brothers birthday try to enjoy it :) I know it's hard.
I still have my lump in my armpit it's not much larger inflamed and hurting. :( so driving me mad as now I'm fearing infection ( which is my biggest fear ) I really wish we could all give ourselves a break and enjoy life again! X

---------- Post added at 14:42 ---------- Previous post was at 14:40 ----------

I hate using my iPhone to message on here it changes everything! I meant my lump has got much bigger.

[eeesh]

Sorry to hear you are havingn a rubbish time! Glad to hear you have your appointment though then hopefully after all of that you can start to feel better :) try and think positively I have had the stomach pains you experience and it was due to anxiety. Also my bfs glands are up in his groin he said they had been there since April and he doesn't care! ( so wish I was like that!) it's your brothers birthday try to enjoy it :) I know it's hard.
I still have my lump in my armpit it's not much larger inflamed and hurting. :( so driving me mad as now I'm fearing infection ( which is my biggest fear ) I really wish we could all give ourselves a break and enjoy life again! X

---------- Post added at 14:42 ---------- Previous post was at 14:40 ----------

I hate using my iPhone to message on here it changes everything! I meant my lump has got much bigger.

Thank you for your message, Liziik :).

I felt a bit better towards the evening and had a nice time. Today has also been good. I am struggling a bit again though. I'm worried about HIV now as that can also cause generalised lymph node swelling. I had a potential exposure in June (condom split on a one night stand). I was got tested for it 90 days after and it came back negative. Have had sex since with multiple partners but always been protected. I'm worried either the test was wrong, or I may have contracted it despite the use of a condom (both options seem unlikely). What seems ridiculous is that I am so convinced it is lymphoma, that HIV seems like a relief! Considering I could live a perfectly normal life with it.

I don't know whether to get a rapid test or something. I have hard shotty nodes in my neck, but I have no idea whether they have always been there or not. Before this I had never prodded about for them so have no idea. Neck is all stiff now and jaw ache has returned because I have been probing.

How are you doing?

[Liziik]

Hello again
Glad you managed to enjoy the evening :)
I was also tested for hiv about 6 months ago when they were trying to figure out why my body would absorb b12 it was the worst wait of my life but that also came back negative.
I still don't know why my body doesn't absorb it and I will not look on google for fear of what it might say.
I'm doing better but still have moments I went to out of hours gp today as the lump under my arm is massive and so painful it's unreal! So now on antibiotics again! I have been on and off antibiotics for months so now another worry is my body will become immune to them!
When did you say your scan was? Do you think even if you get the all clear from that you will still question if it was right? I really don't think you have lymphoma and that's the truth. Did you see the post yesterday about 'can you feel your nodes?' The amount of people who can is unreal. I know it's not going to help you feel better though as that's the way with ha :(
My fears right now, I have an infection is it going to spread and I will get blood poising. My body won't absorb b12 is it cancer. I have a sore throat is it oral cancer. Why do I keep getting cysts and boils is that cancer. All my doctors are wrong and I'm dying.

It sounds crazy when you actually write it down but I think it kinda helps in a way.

Positive thoughts :)

[eeesh]

Hello again
Glad you managed to enjoy the evening :)
I was also tested for hiv about 6 months ago when they were trying to figure out why my body would absorb b12 it was the worst wait of my life but that also came back negative.
I still don't know why my body doesn't absorb it and I will not look on google for fear of what it might say.
I'm doing better but still have moments I went to out of hours gp today as the lump under my arm is massive and so painful it's unreal! So now on antibiotics again! I have been on and off antibiotics for months so now another worry is my body will become immune to them!
When did you say your scan was? Do you think even if you get the all clear from that you will still question if it was right? I really don't think you have lymphoma and that's the truth. Did you see the post yesterday about 'can you feel your nodes?' The amount of people who can is unreal. I know it's not going to help you feel better though as that's the way with ha :(
My fears right now, I have an infection is it going to spread and I will get blood poising. My body won't absorb b12 is it cancer. I have a sore throat is it oral cancer. Why do I keep getting cysts and boils is that cancer. All my doctors are wrong and I'm dying.

It sounds crazy when you actually write it down but I think it kinda helps in a way.

Positive thoughts :)

I was remarkably calm when I got tested to be honest. I did not give it any thought. I got the negative result and thought 'yeah it probably was unlikely I had anything serious'. Why don't I have an attitude like that now? It's that that makes me think maybe subconsciously I know there is something wrong and I'm reacting accordingly. My nodes ache like hell when I'm wearing a belt for work! Very annoying.

Are you taking a probiotic along with your antibiotics? Just a thought of something you may consder doing if you're sufferring from any stomach troubles!

Scan is on the 24th so that seems like forever away. I have been really itchy today as well, which is supposed to be a very common symptom. That said I think that is more likely to be the cold weather but everytime I scratch my mind races! Yeah I know! most people can obviously feel them. Thing is, my groin nodes are definitely enlarged - as in, I can even see one of them raised. Also they noticeably ache which is how I initially spotted it. So yeah, definitely enlarged, and am concerned - as we all know!

You have the doctors tomorrow still? Or did you cancel that appt?

[Liziik]

Hello :)
I'm still going to go to the doctors just because I keep getting cysts boils and blocked glands and I can't go on always on antibiotics and in pain. I need to get to the bottom of it. Also to express how bad my ha has got again. Hoping she won't feel I am wasting her time!
She will probably have a go at me as well as in meant to be taking meds for the anxiety and I haven't started them yet as I'm scared they will make me less aware of serious symptoms (if that makes any sense!)

I know the 24th seems so far away now I would be nervous too to be honest. I really hope after this you can move on and get out of the ha loop were in.
I feel the same as you sometimes as I used to be really relaxed about stuff too so now I think 'well something has to be wrong if I'm this worried' I haven't tried to feel any of my glands to be honest I know it would become a religious thing if it did!
I don't even own a themomiter as I used to check my temp all the time!
How long have you had health anxiety for?

[eeesh]

Hello :)
I'm still going to go to the doctors just because I keep getting cysts boils and blocked glands and I can't go on always on antibiotics and in pain. I need to get to the bottom of it. Also to express how bad my ha has got again. Hoping she won't feel I am wasting her time!
She will probably have a go at me as well as in meant to be taking meds for the anxiety and I haven't started them yet as I'm scared they will make me less aware of serious symptoms (if that makes any sense!)

I know the 24th seems so far away now I would be nervous too to be honest. I really hope after this you can move on and get out of the ha loop were in.
I feel the same as you sometimes as I used to be really relaxed about stuff too so now I think 'well something has to be wrong if I'm this worried' I haven't tried to feel any of my glands to be honest I know it would become a religious thing if it did!
I don't even own a themomiter as I used to check my temp all the time!
How long have you had health anxiety for?

Always suffered from anxiety, but HA in particular, only these last 2 months! This is why I am worried about what could be going on. I've never obsessed like this before. It is Googles fault.

Haha what meds were you prescribed? I'd worried the meds would flatten other aspects of my personality as well as the anxiety, so I'd probably be pretty hesitant to take them as well. I don't think they'd make you less aware of anything, I'd assume you just wouldn't have an all consuming anxiety over something minor.

Anyway, let me know how you get on!