Struggling

[flatterycat]

Posted a little bit recently about my fears of a brain tumour. This began when I started to get weird flashes of memories and dreams and also a feeling like deja vu. Of course I googled and all I could find were poeple describing the same thing and they have simple partial seizures.

I have been to my docs three times in a week- he checked back of my eyes and blood pressure and said he thinks it's all anxiety.

Then yesterday I was sat down and my right thumb suddenly started to move/spasm on its own. It was so scary. I thought maybe it was a nerve, but, despite trying, I have not been able to recreate the same sensation. So now I'm thinking it was also a partial seizure.

I can't think straight. I'm clumsy and can't stop crying - I'm so scared I have a brain tumour and can't seem to see how it could be anything else, especially after reading all the personal experiences of poeple with epilepsy who describe their deja vu like symtoms.

I try to say to myself that everyone gets weird things like that - but how do I know mine isn't related to epilepsy being caused by a tumour.

I'm sorry for going on. I know all the rules about seeking reassurance etc but I have really hit a low point.

Sx

[Retsgard]

If it helps at all, today I convinced myself I was having a stroke :) bit of a numb cheek for a while and I couldn't resist the urge to keep checking it mentally and generally 'scanning' for other symptoms. That then triggers the anxiety and you do start to get emotional, clumsy, unfocused...typical chicken and egg scenario.

I hope you feel better soon, maybe try distracting yourself for a while? Read a book or something?

[flatterycat]

Thank you

Just wish I hadn't read so much now. I have got to the point where I can't see any other reason for all these things.

S

[susie1]

I feel for you.This is anxiety really taking hold. I know that I have the ability to have a symptom and then focus on it 100%. I went through a period where my legs jerked. I was convinced it was MS or something neurological. It went on for weeks. It only stopped when my focus turned onto another panic - I was convinced I had bone cancer. Lo and behold I had a range of other symptoms and the jerking stopped. It is exhausting and totally consuming. PLEASE don't Google. My gp said most sites weren't accurate. You are suffering from anxiety and HA. it is horrid

[flatterycat]

Thank you Susie

Today has not been good. I'm so scared. All I can think is that I have a tumour causing seizures. I've noticed I'm getting tingling in random parts of my body and just feel out of it.

I wish I hadn't read so much on simple partial sezures. I can't think straight and have sat going over and over my memory/deja vu sensations to try and remember whether they were as bad as I thought they were.

Every time I get a flash of an old dream come in my head I feel panicky. (Dream flashbacks, deja vu and random memories are all discussed heavily on epilepsy/brain tumour forums by people who experience them)

I just feel like a complete mess. I'm scared and frightened that no one will believe me and that I really am ill this time. I have spent so trawling through brain tumour stories, going from relief that I haven't experienced one particular symptom, to fear when I read something I have had. It's been relentless. I know I'm doing this to myself and that I shouldn't, but it's like a drug.

Sorry for going on at the moment. You wouldn't believe that I'm a Deputy Head in a huge school where everyone thinks I'm so confident.

Sx

[Retsgard]

Sounds like a high pressure job to me! And the keeping up appearances as a 'strong and confident person' is even more pressure!

Please don't google health problems, as a part time sufferer of HA I can say 100% I believe you feel seriously ill at this time, but I also sincerely believe it will pass. Just right now it feels awful.

Be kind to yourself while you have a few days off, walk in the fresh air, have a warm bath, watch a favourite film :) try and recharge your batteries.

[flatterycat]

Retsgard
Thankyou for your kind words. You are right - googling hasn't helped at all.