right.. here goes..

[miss sparkle]

Hi everyone. I have been on and off this site for a few years now. It all began a few years back when i just started to feel really run down, tired etc. I was suffering from alot of headaches, sore dry eyes, floaters etc, and i became convinced i had a brain tumour. I went to the doctor in nears on numerous occasions and eventually after clear blood tests and a eye check i was sent on my way with the anxiety tag. I didnt actually start to feel better when i realised my husband was having abit of a facebook fling/chatting to a x kinda thing, weiredly it completely took focus away from my symptoms and i felt fine. I guess all my thoughts were now unstandably about that. Anyway i lose weight, went gym and had a year of feeling great (me and hubby sorted things through. We have two small kids and apart from that have been happy)i had a time when i was worrying obsessively about a breast lump for a few months, until it was checked and was fine. But i spent hours reading breast cancer sites etc. You all know how it is! ;)
i had a year of happy stress free time. Sometime later i felt a lymph node in my groin that i remember not being too conserned about. But it was enlarged. I also had a pain in my side i was convinced was liver cancer, which i had a very brief abdominal scan for. That was last year. This year has been a slow slope downward really. I have already been back to the breast clinic convinced my lump has grown, again all ok..apparently.
now my focus is onto this node that im convinced is bigger and i have constant all day long back ache and stomach ache. I literally wake up with it and go bed with it. So OBVIOUSLY its even lymphoma spine liver cervical or ovarian cancer. I have started getting the exhaustion and slight dizzynessand headaches again which rationally is my body worn out, but of course its adding fuel to the fire about i think i am dying...again.
I am a bisy hairdresser. I have two young kids lots of friends and i am not generally unhappy. I dont tell anyone how i feel or my fears as no one understands the extent of my worry or the seriousness in which i take my thoughts.
i know i should go doctors but instead of running for reassurance, i now feel paralysed with fear as i think there really is something seriously wrong. The node, the back ache and stomach ache are literally worrying me to death.
I know this is a long and pointless post. But after hovering for a while i just wanted to get it out there and hopefully get a bit if support. I guess like you all. My pains and lumps bumps are real. So i struggle to see how its all caused by anxiety.

Thanks for reading :) x

0s sorry bout apelling/ typos i have acrillic nails and find it hard to press small keypad on phone :doh:

[flatterycat]

Hello

I'm sorry you are back in this place. I know how you feel, especially with the slow build up to getting bad again. I'm in a state - have been signed off for 2 weeks. Just remember that you got through it before and you will again x

[Retsgard]

It's not a long and pointless post :) it reads just how I feel when I've had a temporary relapse into anxiety, scanning my body/health and finding symptoms, making the anxiety worse, which increases the symptoms!

[Abarth]

Hey Miss Sparkle - i'm back again after a couple of years, so I know exactly how you feel. In fact, you were the last person to comment on a long post I made entitled 'anyone else', immediately after which I was upended by a fairly life altering accident (fine from that now I hasten to add). However, this distracted me for over a year and HA was less of a focus. Now it's back with a vengeance. I too have symptoms that I simply cannot accept are psychological, yet I have been assured that they are following the usual run of tests that we periodically subject ourselves to! I really, really feel for you as I am right there. You just have to tell yourself that you have been here before and put it into that perspective ( not easy I know!)The ultimate aim has to be tackling the anxiety to prevent this in future. However, for now forget worrying yourself to bits, get yourself to your GP. The most simple tests will rule out what you fear. However, you then have to promise that your priority is the long term solution to your HA, rather than rest on your laurels. All will be well i'm sure. Remember how real you mind can make things feel and how your body can react. The worst scenario is the least likely, focus on that and feel well. All the best.
Ant

[miss sparkle]

Hi ant. I recognise your name from before when i used and looked on this forum frequently. It is such a horrendous way to live. I am constantly scanning my body for lumps bumps bruises etc, and every single twinge or pain i feel gives me white fear. In my job i talk to alot of people from all walks of life, and i do hear stories that fuel my h.a. In the last 6 years i have lost my dad (heart attack)niece (full term stillborn) my auntie (cancer) and my grandma most recently about 2 months ago from a sudden stroke. I think these must have alot to do with my constant thoughts about death and dying, but all of my family have also been through this tough time and no one else is like me. So therefor i think how can it be anxiety related....there must be something medically wrong with me.
The constant media cancer awareness doesn't help as they are all like 'dont ignore your symptoms, see your gp' so i am torn as to what to take seriously and what to ignore.
I do need to see a doctor as my every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of me having cancer of some sort and my aches and pains are not going away.
I just dont know how to approach it.
Shall i go and be like hey its me mrs crackpot or go in and list my symptoms and not mention my anxiety. .
Thankyou to you who replied. Really means alot xx

[JustJules]

Mjss Sparkle... I feel for you, I really do. Those of us who are trapped in this cycle of fear are really sad. I, like you, keep most of my concerns to myself as my family laugh at me sometimes but they don't understand the extent to how it rules your whole life. I know this time for sure that my bowel symptoms have changed so much over the last few months, that it can't be anything else but cancer and I can't even pluck up the courage because the fear is so bad, to go to the doctors and see what's what as I am too frightened and nobody realises that it's not just fear but absolute terror like somebody asking you to jump out of a plane with no parachute on! I am of the age where cancer strikes more often than not and bowel cancer, if not detected in time, kills and because I've had my change in habits for months now, I know I've left it too late and I am going to ruin everybody's Christmas now. I am sitting here at work, so want to cry but can't and look at everybody else going about their day normally. I hate myself for being like this.

I hope you feel better soon and find some way to ease your mental suffering.

[miss sparkle]

Awww jules. Thats my thoughts and feels exactly described to a t! I just cannot bring myself to go doctors as i feel like when (not if) they find out i have cancer, i will be dealing with it and i just cannot bare to even think about that. How stupid does that sound. It has gotten to the point today i feel on the brink of tears constantly as i feel like i am carrying around this huge secret, and no one else knows. I am so so sure somethings wrong but at the same time hoping if i ignore it it will go away. Which it hasnt..for about a month now.
Doesnt help that my doctors is shocking and i have literally never seen the same doctor twice, so i am afraid of just looking stupid, as i most probably will burst into tears if i go. Thus making them think i am crazy..not ill.

Arraghhhhhhh

Thanks jules your reply means alot xx