New job day 1, want to quit already.

[HalfJack]

A guy at work is hitting on me and it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm senior to him and although he shows me a friendly kind of respect he spends a lot of time criticising me. I shouldn't have to explain and justify everything I do, largely just because he doesn't have all the info and it rarely involves his area of work, essentially its none of his business and my bosses are very happy with me.

It's really put me down because he's giving a physical voice to all my insecurities that I spend a lot of energy fighting and ignoring.
I'm really insecure and I've worked really hard to get to a place where I can work but I feel like I can't work with him. He's already been in trouble for (verbal) sexual harassment towards me so I don't really want to tell them I feel I can't work with him because I know they'd let him go and he needs the job, but I don't know how to stop him being so ignorant and I don't feel safe working with him alone. I want to be more assertive, and I feel like this is a really good opportunity for me to be more assertive, one way or another... but I don't really know how.

Any ideas?

[MrAndy]

Don't bottle it up talk to sombody about it,it's his fault and nobody else's if he loses his job over his actions

[RachyPop19]

I was in a similar situation, I brought it to the attention of a higher member of the company. He said, ask the person to stop talking to you in this manner and explain, if he does it again you will have to report him to a higher authority.
I have had no trouble since.
I hope you sort this out x

[Catherine S]

I wouldn't use the words respect and sexual harassment in the same description of a man like this so don't put his feelings before your own half jack. He's already been warned about it and sexual harassment cannot be acceptable anywhere. Why should it be you to leave? I would have another word with your manager about it, and really speaking, if he doesn't want to lose his job he shouldn't act like such a jerk. You take care.

ISB x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi HJ,

I feel like there is more than one issue to understand here.

1) You don't feel secure working with him alone. Why? If this because of the previous issue(s) or because of his current behaviour? Is he being inappropriate now, or maybe his attitude has changed for the worse because of the previous warning he had? If you feel for your personal safety, you need to report this as your employer has a legal responsibility here and they will investigate & take action if appropriate.

2) The criticism. This is inappropriate but in a working environment there is often an element of this. Staff are often unhappy with managers, the company, the processes, etc and there is always an element of not listening unless it becomes inappropriate in that it could cause offence or just get too much. This can be a tricky one and sometimes managers just have to preserve the peace by asking for things not to be discussed in a "get on with your work, we all have to put up with it" kind of way.

I think the problem here with 2) is that its in the context of issues you've had to deal with yourself. These may not be visible or understood by others. This might mean its sensible to have a chat and ask that they don't talk to you like that.

The other person may not be aware of the impact of what they are saying or they might be completely out of order but its hard to say for sure without examples. I know from talking to you on here that you are a very genuine, caring person but I'm trying to see it from a more neutral position to see if there is anything in there which could be out of context in any way (if you get what I mean?) which many of us struggle with when our anxiety is high...me included. This then helps in determining whether its worth a quiet word or immediate escalation. How is he criticising you? Is he trying to put you down, make look bad? Or is he more moaning about something that has been decided by you & others that he just doesn't like?

What is your relationship in this? Is this the assistant management post you are now in? Does he report direct to you?

You shouldn't leave because of this, its resolveable. Even if you have to report this to your manager, whether he loses his job or not is up to them to decide and you will have only done the reasonable thing, the fault in losing the job would be his. Given past history, I would have expected the guy to be on his best behaviour. If this is your volunteering, and he is also a volunteer, they can easily get rid of him for any reason so could choose to let him go as he's more hassle than he's worth.

[Oosh]

Ok its unfortunate your new job should have this problem but focus on the bigger picture, see more long term, this lad is either going to have crossed a line and been let go or he's going to leave of his own accord.

He's not going to stop you being a long term success in this job. One way or another his presence will be phased out.

Don't worry for a second about him losing his job. He's a big boy and makes his own choices about how to conduct himself. He sounds like he's crossing the line quite significantly which is good for you because he's doing your job for you.

I don't know how confident you are about being frank with him but that's what I'd do. I'd be calm and frank about the situation with him.
"I'm going to be straight with you. Since I've worked here you have been sexually inappropriate, rude, continually critical and argumentative towards me and I don't like it. I'd like to get along with you. I don't want to see you lose your job. But the way you're behaving is quite dodgy these days in the workplace and I'm just going to pass anymore inappropriate behaviour from you to the management here and my bf."
Calm and frank. Tell him straight so he knows.

Then I'd be in close communication with the management and tell them basically what you've told us. They'll be aware of how dodgy sexual harassment in the workplace is these days and they won't want to allow any incidents to take place.

Tell them your experiences with this bloke and say how you don't intend to leave but he has made you feel very uncomfortable since you've started and that all you can do is keep reporting any incidents to them for them to deal with.

Have the managements number in your phone and if he gets creepy or agro towards you calmly take out your phone and call them. He'll start thinking twice when he sees you've adopted a zero tolerance approach with him and are taking none of his ******* and are most definitely going nowhere.

You are looking to remove yourself from the situation in a different way using communication.
He's not allowed to do that. They're not allowed to and won't want to let him.
Be frank with him and then from then on just zero tolerance and pass any incidents straight to them.

He'll either stop or his days will be numbered and you've built a good deal of confidence in your ability to deal with a difficult situation frankly and assertively.

[HalfJack]

Hey MNIT - No I appreciate you questioning me, as you say it's important to consider these things and I very much trust your judgement. I'm an assistant manager and he's in a temp training position but yeah he's a volunteer. He needs the job because of the training thing, essentially he'd get in a lot of trouble if he was fired because he's on parole.

I can't really explain it without writing a lot of policy info etc. But essentially I was multitasking, I'd prioritised a queue over another task (an as and when task) and while I was serving he would talk over me and tell me to do the other task every time he walked past, it made me really flustered and it was very hard to concentrate. It got worse and worse and he ended up telling everyone how useless I was and it was really frustrating.
I'd already had to speak to him about his conduct in front of customers and I just don't know what to do about him. No one else has this many issues with him but he does focus most of his energy on me. I know that the reason this upset me was in part because of the issues I have but I also know that he was being way out of line. I don't mind being questioned but I do mind being constantly nagged and picked at, especially in front of customers and when I'm busy.

I don't feel secure working with him because he's constantly disrespectful, Istillbelieve is totally right, He can be nice and thoughtful and helpful too but I always see the best in people and I think maybe I excuse his rude behavior because he can also be great - until he's not great. He still flirts with me, I don't like it and I frequently tell him so but he doesn't understand that I'm not interested in him and that makes me feel unsafe. He's a conventionally attractive guy but that doesn't give him a sexual harassment pass. I think if I told my managers the flirting bothered me they would tell me that I should be flattered. I don't want to be thought of as a trouble maker, I've only just started.

Professionally hes constantly trying to show me up and undermine me, I don't know how to work with someone like that. I feel like I can't get anything done and when I need to concentrate he bugs me. I don't think he is aware how much he bothers me, but I've told him I don't like him flirting with me and he still does it so...
I don't expect to be given respect for nothing, but I do expect him to be professional and he isn't.

I definitely feel like as part of management I need to be able to deal with him, but I don't know how to. I think perhaps you're right that I should just ignore him and tell him to get on with his work and let me get on with mine. And if he nit picks I will maybe just be honest and say that its new to me and I need space to learn the job. I think when I have to work with him alone I will just put him in the back and when I need to be out the back I will put him out the front. I'm nervous about being alone with him, I don't think he will rape me or anything, but I don't feel comfortable alone with him and truth be told I'm angry I've been put in a position where I have to work with a guy who has bothered me.

---------- Post added at 10:48 ---------- Previous post was at 10:37 ----------

Thanks Oosh! Yeah, he has a few months left and after than he will be done, plus like you said if he did go too far again he'd be out of there for sure.
I don't like the flirtation, that still feels like harassment to me and I don't think my bosses get that.

I think I will be more frank with him, maybe not that frank! But close!

---------- Post added at 10:52 ---------- Previous post was at 10:48 ----------

Thanks for all the replies, I came home yesterday feeling really stupid but I feel a lot better about it now.
I would never take someone talking to me like this normally, and now I see that it's not my fault if he loses his job for treating me badly.
Assertiveness is hard! Thanks for putting up with me guys :)

[PunkyFish]

A guy at work is hitting on me and it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm senior to him and although he shows me a friendly kind of respect he spends a lot of time criticising me. I shouldn't have to explain and justify everything I do, largely just because he doesn't have all the info and it rarely involves his area of work, essentially its none of his business and my bosses are very happy with me.

It's really put me down because he's giving a physical voice to all my insecurities that I spend a lot of energy fighting and ignoring.
I'm really insecure and I've worked really hard to get to a place where I can work but I feel like I can't work with him. He's already been in trouble for (verbal) sexual harassment towards me so I don't really want to tell them I feel I can't work with him because I know they'd let him go and he needs the job, but I don't know how to stop him being so ignorant and I don't feel safe working with him alone. I want to be more assertive, and I feel like this is a really good opportunity for me to be more assertive, one way or another... but I don't really know how.

Any ideas?

Hello :)

I've been in a similar sort of situation in my current job where a guy in work hit on me and when I rejected him he took it a bit to personal and started giving me criticism and trying to get into arguments with me. It's pathetic to be honest. Anyway! I went to my manger eventually as I was fed up of his attitude towards me and he ended up being put on a warning. Since then he's left me alone.

My advice is don't stand for it. You have a right to be in a work environment where you feel safe and comfortable. Your in a senior position to this guy so there is absolutely no need for you to explain every decision you make. It sounds to me like he can't take the hint that your not interested in him and that he's taking it out on you. That's not professional at all. Please don't suffer anymore abuse from him and go to your boss and explain the situation. It's not fair on you. This guy has crossed the line once before so you think he would of learnt his lesson. If they let him go then he only has himself to blame. He probably doesn't feel bad when he's criticizing you. He sounds like a prat to me! :)

[HalfJack]

Thanks, yeah big prat! Makes my skin crawl.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Ok, lots of things in here.

He's a volunteer, so any trouble and they can boot him out by saying they no longer have a need for him. He has no legal rights to protect him from this as he is not being paid. The only thing that may complicate this is the fact he is on probation. If his probation officer arranged this, the charity may be trying to make a go of it to help them in rehabilitation so would be less likely to let him go. However, any misconduct and they should be considering this but they may talk to his PO to see if he/she can resolve the issue for them so they give him a chance. There is a limit though and what you have described should mean he gets the boot.

Prioritising customers over the admin side is customer service. If you had carried on with that task, you would have annoyed customers which is worse. This guy doesn't get that so he obviously doesn't understand customer service but given his attitude, thats hardly surprising. The amount of times I am walking around Tesco and the shelf stackers are shouting and swearing is unbelievable, its disrespectful & unprofessional and their managers should be reprimanding them. You could explain it to him that this is just good customer service.

He shouldn't be talking over you when you are talking to a customer, thats one that annoys customers too.

He also shouldn't be telling people that you are useless. Honestly, this is behaviour that you will have to learn to let go as you move into management as its a role where you leave your friends behind because at some point you may need to discipline them. Automatic boundaries can go up. Many people, mature people, will get on with as before but may choose not to talk about certain things due to the professional boundary between you, it depends on your attitudes really. But its a certainty that someone will take an issue or prat around and complain when you tell them off for it. Thats just management, sometimes its more like being a parent or teacher!

So, if he is telling people you are useless behind your back you can either let it go or confront it. It depends on the impact of what he is saying really and whether it is detrimental to you or whether those he is saying it to will just think he is a prat and you are fine as far as they are concerned. If he does it openly, its time for a chat as that is a misconduct issue. If he is persistent, it can fall under bullying.

He's at work now, he needs to leave his moods at the door. We all have out bad days but if its frequent and causing issues, its time for a chat. It can be an open chat about whats bothering him, trying to smooth it over, etc but if it keeps happening, its time for an informal warning about it. If he keeps going from there, its time for disciplinary action. It does all depend on the level of attitude as well.

The flirting issue is a problem for me. He's already been warned about it under sexual harassment but he is still doing it. This is matter thats needs resolving at disciplinary level and the most likely resulting action is him getting the boot since he's only a volunteer. Your managers would not think you should be flattered, sexual harassment in the workplace is a serious issue and employers not following the correct procedures in dealing with it are subject to action themselves. Its employment law HJ. You've told him not to do it as it makes you uncomfortable, he's had a warning about it but he still keeps doing it. This opens up the issue or harassment further for me because he is using this to make you uncomfortable and is actively trying to undermine your performance.

This guy sounds like a bully to me. The fact he is ok with the others and has singled you out suggests this too. Did this start when you were promoted or has it always happened?

Honestly, you are really new to management and this isn't an easy issue to resolve. Its not just about assertiveness, this one is about experience in handling difficult situations and its where you need the support of your managers. I don't think its a good test case for your assertiveness improvements, so if this gives you a knock, don't read into it because people who are assertive would struggle to deal with a bully or someone sexually harrassing them.

You can ask him to give you some space to do tasks, say you need some time to think something through, etc and thats reasonable. If he won't, then be more assertive in telling him and directing him to a task that keeps him busy.

I really think being nervous around him and being in isolation with someone who has been warned about sexual harassment towards you and continues to do so, is a security risk. I'm not saying anything will happen but I am saying that your employer should not put you in that position. I suspect they think there is no longer an issue but upon telling them this, they will stop you being alone together because they have a duty of care under employment law.

If this were me:

- I would pick him up on issues e.g. give me some space, I've made this decision because of X and the managers are happy with it so its happening and we have to live with it, please don't speak over me when talking to customer (ask first), etc.
- The undermining, I would speak to him about it if it was bad. If its just staff gossip, let it go and see because you will get this in management.
- The flirting I would report. This is unacceptable conduct when you have said you don't want it and its been a warning already so it should be dealt with as an escalation.
- Being alone should be dealt with so that it no longer happens.

I am a bit concerned about the attitude of this guy towards you. He demonstrates bullying and he seems to have brought his prison mentality with him...he doesn't seem like he is going to be reforming anytime soon.

Personally, I would boot him...no legal risk and he's a pain to manage. Not worth the time and his PO would get a report off me and if that causes him issues with his remaining sentence...tough toenails!!!

[HalfJack]

Thanks so much for your reply! I am new to management and so it's really hard for me to gauge when I should push myself and when I should ask for help. Your input is gold!

He became disrespectful after the first time I told him point blank that I wasn't interested in him, he was giving me the "if I wanted to break up your relationship I would" speech. I wasn't rude but I made it plain. Pretty sure that's not a coincidence.

I have a sense of humour but there are some things which just aren't OK to do/say and he skirts that line constantly. Plus it's often when I'm busy (the training isn't the best and I have to run the shop alone for the first time next week so it's been a lot of pressure). He is a bully really, I don't think he intends to be, he prob thinks it's friendly banter but he's been told often enough that it isn't.
I wouldn't mind if he slagged me off to other people behind my back, but he does it around me when I'm busy, probably to get my attention. Actually, that being said ignoring him is probably a good way to go there! Like with dog training - negative attention is still attention!

I've explained customer service stuff to him and spoken to him about conduct in front of the customers but he doesn't take me seriously so it doesn't go anywhere. He just laughs and says "ok" like I've just proclaimed a strong desire to be abducted by aliens. I think he means it to be friendly, but he's actually just making my job twice as hard, and being disrespectful.

I spoke to my manager the other day, and explained how I felt and how hard I find him to work with sometimes and she's insisted on talking to him about it. I asked her not to, but she insisted. Another member of staff has complained about him being a letch too. I think it would have been better coming from me but him not listening to me is half the issue so... yeah. Argh.
I told her I was concerned about running the shop when he's there too because he doesn't seem to be capable of listening to me and she told me to report any issues to her straight away from now on. If he upsets anyone else again she's fully prepped to boot him. I'm worried that he will be hostile towards me if he finds out he got told off because of me, it's made me more frightened but I know I have the support of my manager now so that's something.
I agree that him getting in trouble is a direct relation to his behavior and not my fault... but I'm 90% sure he will see it as a personal attack because he's just that stupid and self pitying. I don't wish him ill but I want to go to work without feeling awkward and sexualised and if he has to leave for me to get that then good riddance. I'm not a prude but I hate it when someone won't take no for an answer. Usually I'd verbally dismantle someone who tried it on too heavy but I feel like I can't do that at work. I struggle to hit anything between meak:flowers: and merciless ball buster :curse:

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think if he was slagging you off behind your back, as a manager you would have to forget it as long as it doesn't cause you any problems with others. If others start to adopt that attitude then its becoming a problem that can affect your performance and relationships with others, so it would need dealing with. Considering he is doing this while you are there, its not the same issue as someone have a moan or whinge, its a direct attempt to undermine you and/or your position. I wouldn't stand for this and would pull him up on it but I would suggest talking to your manager about how to approach this due to the complexity of the issue (the sexual advances, probation, etc) and the fact you are new to management as this is a difficult one.

In terms of the customer service issue, thats part of the the job so any impact to customers should be addressed, informally initially if not serious and then into a disciplinary process. He doesn't take this seriously, but there could be one or more reasons here such as a) he doesn't care/bad attitude, b) doesn't take you or your position seriously c) has issues with authority in general and d) he has issues with women / young women.

I'm not sure which of those it is, what do you think? When I think about how he undermines you, doesn't respect your authority when you raise issues and makes repeated sexual advances, it could easily be any or all of them but I suspect it is more than one of them, one of which is definately about authority...remembering he's on probation for something and doesn't seem to be demonstrating the attitude of someone who wants to rebuild their life. It reminds me of the attitude of typical dregs of society and persistant reoffenders.

Out of interest, did he get the voluntary position himself or did his probation officer get it for him? If he did, it doesn't seem to scan against the rest because I can't see how someone with his attitude would want to be in a customer service role unless it was purely for the money. It sounds more like his probation officer got it for him and unfortunately he doesn't seem to give a flying crap so should be booted and the probation officer needs to evaluate his behaviour.

I'm glad you spoke to your manager and I'm also glad how she responded. Sexual harassment is a serious issue in the workplace...one that tends to see you on a serious written warning or booted out. With this being a voluntary position, they can let anyone go, anytime and they have no employment rights. The only issue is if its a condition of something greater such as benefits or this probation where the charity may consider their relationship with a programme and speak to them about it before taking any action. If its just the charity itself, they would only be concerned with maintaining their reputation so as long as any booting is done professionally, they won't care.

Just sounds like a guy that going to be back inside soon to me. People are giving him chances and he's just dumping all over them with a chip on his shoulder type of attitude but he also seems to have other issues with authority or women that are going to cause him problems in real employment where they won't stand it and march him through disciplinary hearings and out of the door.

Some men can't take orders off women HJ. Some men can't take them off young women. Some older men can't take them off younger men. I've had to deal with people like this myself and but I had worked my way up from the bottom level so anyone that wanted to undermine me would struggle as I had more knowledge of their work than they did from years of doing it and changing what they were trained on to improve it. I could easily use this to put them back in their place. But I've also had supervisors working for me who would not have staff conduct responsibilities and sometimes troublemakers would make a pain of themselves with some people, which I had to stamp out. I found this was more of a problem where supervisors were women and the troublemakers were men, mostly younger ones. Their attitude would be different to me, which I don't always think was about the fact I could take it further but in some cases more to do with the fact the supervisor was a young woman.

Sexual harassment is a difficult one to handle, don't expect yourself to be prepared to handle it all until you have more experience. As a manager, your boss has to look at both sides of this because she also has a responsibility to other staff, the company, etc. Sometimes sexual harassment is not what it first seems and it can be banter and a person who is sensitive to it for their own reasons, which as you say is an issue for you. So, your manager will take a non judgemental view, investigate it and go from their so she has all the facts. Having complaints from 2 employees for the same reason makes it clearer for her. I don't say this part from the perspective of not believing you or thinking you are too sensitive or incorrect or anything like that, I say it so you know that in questioning your manager may seem more like she is trying to understand what has happened and whether their are any mitigating factors. There is nothing personal in it, but there are people who try to manipulate company policies against others, make false accusations or get things out of context. I've dealt with the latter a few times and charging in can make things worse, you have to do some digging. Its just standard management stuff, there is nothing personal in it.

If she speaks to him, its likely he will understand where its coming from, the detail can give it away. However, you are the assistant manager and its part of your role to keep things running as they should be and raise issues that are causing problems. If he doesn't like it, tough! and besides, he's to blame anyway for continuing to make sexual advances even after he was warned about it. If you feel his attitude towards you becomes aggresive, report it immediately. I would also suggest that you talk to your manager about who is going to be supporting you when she is not there. A guy like this might make a pain of himself and it may need someone able to take action against him which may not be within your range of responsibility. I'm just thinking if things do start to get worse, someone from another shop of an area manager or something who would come in and tell him to do one! Its just a practical provision, it doesn't mean you will need it so don't let it affect you.