Burst in to tears today because Costa Coffee gave me a big cup instead of tall glass!

[Carnation]

How ridiculous is that!!!! That's how bad my emotions are. I totally broke down, everyone staring at me as if I was some mental case.
I cope with my Mum's Severe Depression, looking after my disabled/Dementia Mother-n-law, looking after two households and supporting my Partner, but I couldn't cope with that.
I'm the same with other stupid little things, but major stuff I cope with and stay focused. Why does this happen? :ohmy:

[PanchoGoz]

I think it's because you are a bottler...
I think it's built into you to hold it together in serious circumstances, so much so that this bottled emotion will escape over the most mundane of things, in the same way some people blubber over films but seem to be unnaturally passive over horrifying life events.

[Carnation]

That makes sense PanchoGoz. I've had decades of bottling, think it's all coming out now. And my Mum who has not cried yet over my father passing away, cries all the time at the films and stuff like "highway to Heaven' and 'Little House on the Prairie'.
I always feel better after crying, but it is so embarrassing when I cry in public.
I was brought up NOT to cry. Even when I was bullied at School, I was told to stand up and fight my corner; which I never did, because it was not in my nature.
Thanks for the explanation, it totally makes sense. :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

On top of what Pancho says, I know from my own experience that I can be irrational when my anxiety is very high. I've had a few outbursts in anger at people that I later regretted.

It just gets too much and any little thing is the straw and some poor person gets the other end of it.

The thing is, I bet you spent hours after ruminating and feeling bad about it? Don't do this, it will make you feel worse...whats done is done and its just a lesson learnt and something else to look at how to deal with for the future.

I think a lot of us were brought up like that Carnation, keep it all in and tough it out "stiff upper lip and all that, chap". It doesn't work in mental health, it just builds up the pressure and its unhealthy.

Perhaps expressing your emotions in a creative manner could give you an outlet so its not building up inside you as much?

[Carnation]

Yes, I think you are right MynameisTerry. I definitely need something to vent my emotions and aggression with Life. I've noticed since I have progressed with managing the Anxiety and got back in to a daily grind of routine, that I don't do much for me anymore. My Therapist said that it is important to take time out for yourself, take time to appreciate stuff like walking and getting close to nature. And having some Fun!
When you start to feel better, you just end up doing more chores and work and putting the pressure back on. :ohmy:

[aprilmoon]

Do you have any hobbies that maybe you haven't done in a while,Carnation?
Anything that takes you out of yourself?
I love to do papercraft,its been a lifesaver for me :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, definately Carnation. If you read Professor Mark Williams Frantic World Mindfulness book, it has a chapter about this. He discusses removing depleting activities and inserting nourishing ones. He explains that anxious people tend to be badly skewed towards low levels of nourishing and high levels of depleting.

[Carnation]

Thanks Aprilmoon. I have several projects lined up, it's just getting motivated. Maybe it's time to put my Brain into creativity.:)

Thanks MynameisTerry, I will look this book up. Thanks for your support again and hope you are doing ok. :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thanks Carnation, I'm doing ok :flowers:

Most of the meditations are free on the Frantic World website in the resources section if you want to try them. I know Chickpea is also reading this book.

[Carnation]

Still crying over silly things. Seeing Therapist tomorrow. I don't think there are any tears left in side me. :weep:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Lots & lots of these Carnation :hugs::bighug1:

Its horrible when its like that, I still have my phases of it now, just had a tricky few days but I seem to be passing through it. Try to find distractions, do some reading to keep your mind somewhere else for a bit.

[Sunflower2]

Get it all out carnation, you might not see it but you're doing great. Lots of :hugs: from me too!

[Carnation]

Thanks Kimberley and MynameisTerry. I saw the Therapist today. Apparently I have to make more ME time. I am totally exhausted and it showed. I am so stressed and agitated. Nothing seems to be going right. Everything you do is complicated. I hate the World we live in today. It seems so uncaring and complicated. But, I am going to try, firstly with trying to get to bed a bit earlier and then taking out a couple of hours for me. The thing is when you seem to show everyone that you are getting better. The people around you take it that you are now back to normal. This is definitely not the case. For example, I was out today in a shop and bumped in to someone I knew and I started to talk gobbledegook. This is what my brain does to me now. Anyway, this woman and my Partner screeched with laughter at my expense and I felt so bad. Yes, my Partner as well. Laughing at me. I am such a fool to think my Partner cares for me. When it comes to the Public eye, all sympathy is gone. I'm afraid that I am all alone with this terrible illness after all. My muscles will not stop twitching, my veins pulsating, the top of my head feels like it is being scraped with a Stanley knife. I look awful, I feel awful and I just can't be bothered to fight anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. To top it all, I have decided to get Benefit support because I have not been working for months and so far I have filled out 3 booklets with about 100 questions in each book and trying to get a sick-note for a mental condition is like winning on a scratch card. Talk about interrogation, you'd think they have some compassion for someone that has had a break-down. But, oh know, the Receptionist had me in tears. (Why are Doctor's Receptionists so brutal?). Basically, I can't be bothered anymore. I just feel like a lump of skinny meat lolloping about the House with NO WORTH!!! :weep:

[Sunflower2]

Your therapist is definitely right about getting some more ME time. You've got your negative glasses on and everything seems dreary and awful. You know it's not true! Oh course your partner cares about you, he probably had no idea that he upset you because of that. And because he is under so much stress himself, perhaps he didn't notice? We are all human after all!
Life is complicated these days. So how can you simplify it? You must be able to cut some stuff out that's just causing you unnecessary stress. I know it's easier said than done though but you mentioned before people during the war were happier.. What did they not have that you do? Figure that out, then take away the things you do have!
Take an hour or two tonight where you have no disturbances and just pamper yourself. and make this a regular thing! Go out for a brisk walk and get all your anger and frustration out through that. have you got some regular therapy appointment So? I think you definitely need to discuss this with someone, like me you bottle things up until you explode..
Lump of skinny meat, me too! :D I washed my hands in hot water today and they refused to warm up or change colour from very very white!

[aprilmoon]

Hi all
Oh Carnation,sending you a hug :hugs:
I often feel lately that I'm talking gobbledygook, my brain seems to have gone into hibernation.(wish I could join it).
Getting to bed earlier sounds like a good start,and try and pamper yourself a bit,you have so much to deal with at the moment,you deserve it.:hugs:

[Carnation]

Oh Kimberley, you do make me laugh, and smile too. You always have sound advice. I am here analyzing it now. That's what I do, I have to analyze everything. I am also too sensitive. I know deep down my Partner cares. He said he was laughing with me and just to be sociable, I was actually giggling too, but it was to hide my embarrassment; do you know what I mean by that? I know also that he has his worries and I feel selfish now for being so picky and sensitive about myself. I am far from selfish as a person, so I don't know why I get so needy since having Anxiety?
War Years? Yes, I had forgotten about that. They lived each day to the full, made the most of everything, didn't have many clothes; but were always well turned out. They made good food out of nothing, worked hard and went without. And some lost there Lives; for nothing. (It certainly puts things in to perspective).
Thanks again for your support, I don't know what I would do without this Site; it seems to be my lifeline. :hugs:

---------- Post added at 19:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:56 ----------

Thanks Aprilmoon. I think you joined this Site around the same time as me? We seem to blip at around the same time as well? Maybe it is the circle of the illness? Like, you think you are getting better, then; Wham! back it comes, not quite as bad as before, but enough to worry you and feel terrible again. I have this feeling of a big knot in my stomach that feels like an Alien is about to jump out of it any minute. Never had it before, but probably Anxiety trying to mess my Mind again. I said to my Therapist that I am getting so tired and fed-up of fighting this illness. It takes so much out of you, it's exhausting. How are we all going to manage when we are really old? We won't even notice the difference between Anxiety and Arthritis?
Well, I do need to change a few things. Starting tonight, a nice walk, then an earlier night. And, I think a bar of chocolate is on the agenda too. :hugs:

[Sunflower2]

Good advice? If I could take my own advice I'd be cured!! Unfortunately life doesn't seem to work like that for some reason... I often nervously laugh to hide my embarrassment, and speak complete rubbish when I can't think properly. Someone will ask me why I don't like to eat in restaurants. Hahahahahah oh I don't know! Laughing tends to make you feel like the other person won't judge you because you're laughing at yourself and not being serious I think.
Now Carnation you are not any of those things.. Not selfish, picky, needy or sensitive! You are kind, caring, selfless, strong and independent!
I'm also tired of fighting too though, it is such a massive struggle when you're not feeling up to fighting it. I think that's why we are all struggling more now, because winter is taking the energy out of us. My plan is to get more support over the winter, take a break from being so hard on myself and start again in spring.

[Carnation]

Only 3 weeks and the daylight gets longer! (There's a positive!).
Thank you Kimberley for making my personality a nice one. You never know, I might start liking myself? :blush:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well plenty of people on here like you Carnation, so think about that!

Some GP receptionists are nice, but I have to say that there are still the ones from years ago that 'think' they are on the same level as the GP...you know, the ones that always ask "whats wrong with you" when they are not qualified for any level of triage! You have to be assertive with these types...and never expect them to take the blame for their mistakes because they won't apologise which just annoys patients even more because saying "sorry, our mistake" tends to dilute a potential complaint...a common technique used in customer service. The more you dig your heels in, the more customers get annoyed and dig their heels in to. Maybe one day the public sector will catch up?

You've got a lot on your plate at the moment so be kind to yourself.

I know what you mean about how complicated life is. I'm only in my late thirties so I've never known much different but I have noticed how much of our time is taken up by online technology thesedays. Its great we have the internet but it can become an obsession and take over.

Maybe look towards something more spiritual? Try to reconnect with your environment more and turn away from the rat race a bit?

[Sunflower2]

Oh, do you have a garden? Could you grow some of your own food? I grew strawberries last summer and found it really good for me.. It kept my mind busy when I was feeling co Petey awful, and I had to look after them or they'd become over run! Also got boxes full of the most tasty strawberries I've ever had!! Going to try raspberries next year too! :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats a really good idea Kimberley. It can be hard when its all about yourself and having something to look after can give you motivation. (not saying anyone is self centred or anything and I know Carnation is run off her feet looking after people, just trying to find a way of saying that it can help to have something to yourself that makes you do something as opposed to ruminating)

Also, maybe an indoor plant that needs care could be an option for winter like a Bonsai maybe? I quite like the idea of them.

[Carnation]

You both have such kind words MynameisTerry and Kimberley. I surely don't deserve them. :blush:
I like the idea of something Spiritual, that is right up my Alley. And, yes, I do have a garden. (Several actually, because as you know I have two houses to look after at the moment. Growing veg and fruit is definitely on the agenda for next year. I spent most of this Summer clearing, pruning and designing my Mum's garden after my Dad died to make it more, as you say Terry; 'Spiritual'. I love nature and getting up close and personnel with it. My Therapist says that we do not pay enough attention to the wonderful nature around us. Sometimes you just have to stop and look at the trees, smell the flowers and look at the stars. I have started going for a long walk daily now, definitely helps with the Anxiety and the jumpy muscle spasms. Painting and writing is also on the agenda, if I could only get motivated? I am also planning quite a few breaks away next year, (on a budget , of course). We get 6 weeks respite per year and I intend to make the most of them. This year was wasted a lot with me being ill and lying around thinking I was dying. 9 months later, I am still here, so I want to enjoy my breaks this time. Volunteering for a Charity is also on my agenda, but need a little more confidence first. So many things on the agenda! :shrug:

[MyNameIsTerry]

I thinkl volunteering a great idea. I think when we hear the word we tend to think of working in shops, doing gardens up, etc but its far wider than that thesedays. Have a look at the Do-It website for some ideas. There are loads of remote volunteering jobs as well so if your confidence is not great, maybe one of those could help as you won't need to liaise with people much?...and thinking about your creative elements, I remember seeing a load of volunteering posts for editors for online arts charities. Just a thought, some creative writing along with art in there.

Also, if there are charities near to you that operate bases such as respite homes or end stage ones, they always have volunteers maintaining their grounds and I know the ones around my way have started adding sensory gardens for the patients to sit in. That might appeal to you given you like gardening, want to help out and havce designed your mum's garden.

There are also many wildlife areas that have volunteers groups to help them maintain their parks. I knew a guy who did this and he loved it. They would maintain paths, build paths & walls, cut down areas for the public, etc. He said it really pulled him out of his depression as it gave him something to focus on and the hard work was good to get him prepped for returning to manual work later.

[Carnation]

Thanks Terry, that's a brilliant site. Now, I'm spoilt for choice. :D

[anthrokid]

Carnation, one time I literally cried over spilled milk. I always thought the saying was silly, until I dropped a bottle of milk and sat on the kitchen floor crying for goodness knows how long. I think of it like the straw that broke the camel's back, or the mouse that tipped the boat. We can be strong for so many seemingly 'big' things, but I think sometimes we are so strong for so long that our body reacts to something little to help release some pent up emotions.

It also sounds like Terry and Kimberley have given some really sound advice. Volunteering can be such a fantastic way to do something fun, meaningful and find out more about what YOU enjoy :) Hopefully you'll be able to find something on that awesome site that will give you a little more space than other volunteer positions while you build up your confidence. You could also consider volunteering at an animal shelter - I think animals would LOVE you - animals don't know if you are nervous or lacking confidence, and there are many different things you can help do at shelters, such as clean, walk the dogs, play with the cats, brush the animals, etc. that don't involve lots of other people.

[Tessar]

You both have such kind words MynameisTerry and Kimberley. I surely don't deserve them.

You ALWAYS deserve kind words, Carnation.

[Sunflower2]

I second that!! :D

[snowflake293]

Hey Carnation

I am new here but I just read your post and I can really relate to that. I suffer with health anxiety and sometimes I feel so weak and emotional that the slightest thing will make me cry (usually household stuff, spilling/breaking things, things being put away wrong by my poor partner etc...)

Sometimes I find when this happens a small thing will set me off crying loads but then I will feel much better after.

Snowflake x

[Carnation]

Hi everyone, I really needed those kind words today. I haven't had the best of days today. So, thank you Tessar and Kimberley for cheering me up. :hugs:

Anthrokid, I like the idea of working with Animals. I am a big animal lover and it might; as you say, be a little easier than working with people.:)

Welcome Smowflake293, I also get annoyed when my Partner puts things back in the wrong cupboard. I am also a little OCD, so it's just another thing that stresses me out. I have let a lot go by as part of my therapy, but certain stuff drives me up the wall. :ohmy: