So I think I suffer from OCD

[Ronan23]

For as long as I can remember I have been an anxious person. I'm now 24 but my anxiety stretches back to when I was 12 years old. I used to worry my house would burn down during the night. I then began to worry I had bowel cancer when I was 14. I am 24 now and the list of medical tests I have had done on me is ridiculous: MRI twice, CT Scan, Lumbar puncture, at least 30 blood tests, nerve conduction test, 5 ECG's, Holter monitor, exercise stress test and probably a few more that I can't remember.

It's only within the last year that I've decided to look into my anxiety. Despite being a relatively intelligent guy, I kind of just accepted anxiety as part of who I am. I identified with anxiety and just assumed it was fine for it to be my normal mindset. But i've begun to realize it's not normal at all. It is no way to live my life.

I have been prescribed SSRI's for anxiety but always quit after a week as they make anxiety initially worse. But it's only yesterday that I had a eureka moment related to my anxiety. My predominant disorder is not general anxiety or hypochondriasis as I had assumed. I now think what I suffer from is OCD.

It's not the typical OCD most of you imagine. Like performing rituals such as washing my hands numerous times. My OCD is more about what goes on in my head. Obsessive thoughts plague me nearly every minute of the day. I obsess over my breathing and think I will stop breathing for no good reason. I obsess over my heart and think my heart will just stop for no reason (both of these obsessions cause panic attacks).
I get symptoms such as tingling and hit google straight away and assume I have whatever horrible illness comes up first. If I don't google the symptoms I get even more uncomfortable. A list of diseases I have assumed I was suffering from includes rabies, variant CJD, bowel cancer, motor neurone disease, brain tumour/haemorrhage.

It's not just health related. I also constantly obsess over my life and whether it's ok relative to other people my age. I think about how I've only a few friends and how I'm quiet at work compared to most people. The compulsive part of this is that I constantly seek reassurances that i'm living a normal life. I have posted about 200 messages on the internet in the last few months all asking the same kind of questions looking for reassurances that I sound like a normal twenty something.
I wish I could just be in the present moment more but my relentless thoughts prevent me from doing this much. I'm always thinking i'm going to die or obsessing over my social life or my future. I suppose I take a bit of pride in how I've managed to live a relatively normal life until now. I've graduated from college, I've had a long term relationship and been in love, I travelled to the other side of the world alone, I've got a well paid job straight after college. From the outside everything seems rosy. But I just wish it could be the same inside my mind.

I find that the only thing which helps my anxiety and OCD is alcohol & benzo's. Obviously these are impractical. Benzo's are addictive, alcohol is addictive & worsens anxiety the next day. If this is too long of a post I apologize, I just had a lot to get off my chest. The saddest part about my disorders is that without them I could live an extremely happy and fulfilling life. But they hold me back. If anyone has advice that would be great. My doctor has suggested I give SSRI's a fair chance and cut back on alcohol. I think I owe it to myself to try.

[chickpea]

Here's my thoughts on what you've written.
I think you have a good sense of self - you writing is eloquent and shows that you understand what your issues are. This is half the battle - you know you have a problem that you want to change.

I think a good book on OCD and its management would reassure you. It is so much more than rituals, as you have suggested - it can be intrusive thoughts, rumination etc - but all stems from the same motivation.

On the other hand, I read a really good article by a psychotherapist recently, who had been told that she had anxiety disorder - and how a label can can take away your freedom because all of a sudden you are pinned down. She started to look back and find incidents to validate the label - joining up the dots, as she said - but then realised that a more useful way to see things was a normal life with the odd blip...and instantly, she felt better and more optimistic.


I think mindfulness would really help you - get a copy of Mark William's Finding Peace in a Frantic World, and get the free Headspace app. It will help you understand that thoughts aren't real, and we can choose not to engage with them or react to them.

Finally, I think you should perhaps give SSRI's a good go as a means to an end - they can help you get to a place where therapy, self help etc can be helpful.
The side effects can be rough, but they don't last - in the meantime, read Claire Weekes "Self Help for Your Nerves", a life saver when you are feeling frantic and panic stricken.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think its possible you may have more than one form of anxiety disorder, but health anxiety (hyperchondria) is one of them because of the issue with Googling and how you assume the worst, which whilst an obsessive compulsive action, is not the same as OCD where the aim of the ritual is completion or relief. OCD rituals do cause more anxiety but thats more due to frustration and sense of lack of control of your own actions.

The breathing issue is something that you will see in threads on the Symptoms board. Its called manual breathing. You feel you have to control your breathing which I'm sure you know is irrational as its a subconscious function from birth. Doing this is a diffiicult thing, I've had it a lot myself and it can be draining. I think this is closely tied to the obsessive compulsive elements seen in both HA and OCD (they do share a lot in common) and a lack of self trust. Manual breathing is where you feel the need to consciously control it but if you mean that you don't do this and just worry it could go wrong, as you do with your heart, it falls back into the HA category.

If you do any other physical processes like manual swalllowing, blinking, etc then I have a useful article on Sensorimotor OCD we discusses this not well known form of OCD.