View Full Version : Worries of the day
I don't have the right experience to apply for these jobs that are coming up.
I will get rejected by these employers because I do not have the right experience.
People have a misunderstanding of what service design is - it's not all about designing apps.
People are asking for A LOT in one job role and then not paying enough.
How much am I worth?
How much is my wellbeing worth?
Will I ever get any job security?
Will I ever be able to run an innovation lab again?
Will I die before I manage to do that?
I've lost time and I'm still losing time while I'm under confident the way I am now.
My career is stalling.
I don't make good decisions when I'm depressed.
I look tired and I'm more socially awkward while I'm depressed and so I'm unlikely to get another job.
Yet I still ought to apply just in case.
But then that will be a waste of time because I won't get the work.
I'm still in a danger zone where I could slip into being at risk of ending my life.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to get out of this headspace.
I miss my ex even though he was awful.
I miss my little brother.
I can't see my family because I can't cope with how they treat me. I thought that seeing them again would be a mark of me being better but now I realise how deeply the problems run and I don't want to see them.
I don't have my hard drive with my portfolio on it.
I don't have my laptop cleaning kit.
I don't have any dresses for Christmas parties.
I don't have my Doc Martens.
My savings are stagnant.
My drive to buy a house is getting further and further away.
I'm nowhere near doing driving lessons again so I'll have to redo my theory and it's all so expensive.
I am not the person who I thought I could be.
I am not as generous as I am when I am not depressed.
I am not confident and successful.
I am not getting work which stretches my skills.
I am not living up to my own expectations.
I am not an experienced enough, good enough service designer.
I feel like I am lying sometimes when I say I am a service designer because I am not using service design skills frequently enough.
I wonder if there is any way out of my situation now.
Is everything I say bullshit?
Is there any point in trying any more?
If design is the tool I use to make the world a better place, and I am not in a position where I can be doing that, then I am not making the world a better place. So what's the point in me being here? Making the world a better place was my purpose.
Currently I am making the world a worse place by being a downer.
My identity as a useful citizen is shaken.
My identity as a daughter and sister is shaken.
My identity as a girlfriend is a dream and memory I cling on to hard, so that it almost feels present.
I am less of a friend than I could be if I wasn't depressed.
I am losing friends as I withdraw and accept less shit.
My grandma probably doesn't have long and I am wasting time by not speaking to her, but I can't because I am freezing out my entire family because I don't want even indirect contact with my mum and she seems to reach them all.
I am terrified of my mum and her manipulative ways. I have to escape her by not speaking to anyone that knows her.
Will any of these things get resolved?
I don't know how to resolve these things.
It's been 2 weeks since my last therapy appointment.
What's going to happen when the therapy ends? Will I still be like this?
If problems are unsolvable, what is the point in living? I don't want to live with unsolvable perpetual problems. Life is worth living when you can feel happy and light occasionally.
I went from a life with good relationships, a fulfilling meaningful stressful job, with money and holidays and good friends, and a safe home with good food, to a life where I am in limbo mostly alone, clinging on to work that knocks my confidence, fighting off people that are cruel to me, with a lot more drinking and hedonism.
I am waiting for a fulfilling job, and fulfilling relationships.
I can't have either of those things because I am depressed, so I can't get a job, make progress with my family or connect to a new partner.
I'm STUCK.
Aw hun, I could've almost written this. I can totally relate. I just wish I had answers but I don't.
That's a lot of thinking.
Is therapy helping at all?
You sound like you need to put a lot of your worries to one side for now, because they are clearly overwhelming you. Prioritise the things that you have control over, and put everything else on the back burner.
While much of what you write may seem unsolvable now, a lot of it will resolve naturally over time, or cease to be so important. Ask yourself how much of this will still be important in a year from now? 2 years? 10 years?
Your family is unlikely to change, so you need to find a way to deal with the situation - either by staying away as you are doing, or by resuming some sort of contact that doesn't allow them to bring you down. People can only hurt you if you allow them to, ie maybe your counsellor can help you find a way of ignoring the hurtful things they say or do.
Have you tried mindfulness at all? It would really help you to see that you don't have to engage with the thoughts that run through your brain constantly. If you constantly focus on the gap between where you are currently, and where you want to be, you will only end up feeling worse.
I have been in the place you are now. I didn't see my mother for 3 years, and I no longer have any contact at all with my twin sister or older brother, and their partners and children.
Nothing stays the same - life changes and moves on, even if we do nothing.
You WILL get better. You WILL find a job, buy a house etc. It may not be today, this month, this year but you will not have the same worries when you are 30, 40,50.
Stop beating yourself up by telling yourself all the things you can't do, haven't done, aren't. Telling someone they're rubbish and useless doesn't give them any .motivation to get better - it just makes them feel worse.
Please write a list as long as your original post of all the things you can do/have in your life. All your achievements, all the things you enjoy, all the people who do care about you etc. Notice how much better it makes you feel.
Sunflower2
15-11-14, 15:29
Although there are a lot of things you are worried about, there is a lot there that is your depression talking.. Making you feel hopeless because your focussing on what you're missing, and as the list went on it got more and more hopeless seeming.
I have a lot of the same worries as you have there, and so do probably most people in the world. Some things we just can't change, and some things we might not even ever have. As chickpea said, you've got to now make a list of your achievements to balance out this negative thinking ok??
Yes, this is all still going to be important in years from now. The pain I felt at separation and the pain of depression from years ago has haunted me. This time, the separation has been worse and the depression has been just as bad, and there have been even more bad things to grapple with. Not seeing my family like this will be forever marked in our family history. The struggle with finding work. How my ex left me so cruelly. All these things ARE still going to be important. They won't be present, and they won't be the main things on my mind, but they will always be important. Just the same way as all pivotal points in my life have been.
I am going to try and list my achievements in a bit. I need to get out of the house.
Of course you will remember all the pivotal moments in your life, but they don't have to keep a hold over your life.
I have had some huge things happen in my life - I mean life-changing - but while I can't forget them, they don't affect my life now.
You CAN move on. Your ex left you in a cruel way, but that really won't feature in your life in the future, when you are happily married. That's what I mean by things not being important in the future.
If you are determined to see hopelessness wherever you look, you will find it.
Thoughts only matter as much as you want them to - they are not real events, they are thoughts, and you can choose to place importance on them or not.
The world is not depressed, you are.
We can't change what's happened to us, but we can change our perception of it.
I don't look for hopelessness. I look for answers. I try to understand what happened, and hopefully through understanding I'll know the right way forward. I'm unpicking the emotions I was going through, and what other people must have been going through to behave the way they did. It's a very painful process and I'm coming to painful realisations. I hope that I will get to a point where I have processed the pain and arrive at a place where I accept things that have happened to me and things I've done. I'm not at that place yet.
I don't think I'm wallowing. I am changing my perception of things that have happened, day by day. It takes time to process so it's slow going.
I am going to try to make a list of good stuff today.
Please write a list as long as your original post of all the things you can do/have in your life. All your achievements, all the things you enjoy, all the people who do care about you etc. Notice how much better it makes you feel.
People that care about me that I still like to speak to
Matt
Annie
Ria
Ant
Hannah S
Ivory
Hannah K
Mags
Helen
Megan
Things I enjoy that I currently have the capacity to do
eat cashew nut spread
drinking and dancing with friends
putting on make up
looking colourful/sexy
watch early 00s TV shows
singing
playing phone games
getting hits on my blog whenever I write a new post
helping other people with contacts and advice
Things I have in my life
A place to live for the next three and a half months
Enough possessions to live comfortably (duvet, clothes, jewellery, towels, bedside light, laptop, phone)
Access to cooking equipment so I can cook and a washing machine
Money to eat and do fun things
A travelcard
A job and income until the end of the year
Contact with friends
Therapy to help me get better
I find this difficult because I have been so used to having my family and a home securely in my life, that it feels odd to not say that I have that. I also feel that a partner should be in my life; I very much feel the absence of a partner. And I feel that I should have some more secure fulfilling work than I have now - the work I get is a measure of how good I am at work, and so if I don't have work, that means I'm not good enough.
Achievements
Putting on the first ever service design event with workshops during the London Design Festival
Lecturing in Central Saint Martins
Getting freelance work even when I was in the depths of despair
Surviving months of mental torment including death fantasies
Keeping up socialising
Getting interviews (even if I didn't quite get the job)
Growing a professional network that help me find work
Keeping at least some of my friends
All that still doesn't seem enough if I don't have secure work as a service designer, and I'm still adjusting to having alienated my family - I have felt that I would see them as soon as I am better but since I don't feel that way any more, I don't know what's going to happen in the future with them. I'm ok with not knowing exactly what will happen in the future, but there is too much I might not have soon, which is scary. Soon I might not have a home, a job, therapy, and I don't have a family or partner for emotional support.
I started with nothing in July so I might be able to do it again. It was a very dark time though and I would rather not be in a situation again where I am a danger to myself.
The work I have now is a life ring that the universe has thrown at me. I got it when I was at high risk. I've been clinging on to it so that it can feed me. But it's not a permanent solution. I'm still floating out at sea. I need to arrive somewhere and feel that I've landed.
Sunflower2
16-11-14, 19:43
Yay I was waiting for that!
Do you realise how big that list is and how much you've got and done? You should be proud of yourself!
You say you don't have a family.. But you do, and one day you'll find the strength to let them back into your life when you're ready.
You're doing well lior, from you posts back in July you've made such amazing progress. You're a very strong person and can cope with what difficulties may come your way.
P.s. I also love cashew nut butter spread!!
That's a LOT of positives!
Keep focusing on them, not your original post.
You have plenty of time to achieve the things you feel you're missing. Take the pressure off yourself and keep concentrating on your own wellbeing - when that is sorted, other things will fall into place.
I just had a CBT session and I'm reeling still. It's so hard to change deep rooted beliefs. Basically I have to hurt other people's feelings in order to look after myself. I have to put myself first, even if that means hurting others.
I know I'm doing this already but I'm struggling to justify it to myself, so I doubt my decisions.
I'm writing absolute drivel for a PR article at work...
Stuff I'm meant to say to myself that came out of the session:
'I'm over estimating the threats and under estimating my ability to cope.'
'I have tinted glasses on that pick up on uncertainty.'
'I am allergic to uncertainty - it gives me an explosive reaction of anxiety.'
'Whenever I question a decision, or find myself saying "Yes, but...", I must stop myself and just go with the decision I have made.'
'Hypothetical worries are not useful. Current worries can be problem solved.'
I am very unhappy that I have to choose between me being unhappy and other people being unhappy. Basically whatever I choose, someone will be unhappy, and I am unhappy because I have made other people unhappy even if I have chosen to protect myself in order to let myself be happy. So it's all a lose-lose situation.
Also my therapist said I might feel this way for a long time :( I just want this to end.
It sounds like a lot to take in, so don't worry if you feel slightly overwhelmed at first.
I don't think you HAVE to make people unhappy in order to make yourself happy. It might happen at times, as a consequence of choices you make, but that's not for you to worry about - I think the point is that none of us are responsible for other people's happiness,and trying to keep everyone happy will ultimately make us unhappy.
I find that hard to take on as a belief. If I am not responsible for other people's happiness, then why do I bother trying to spread happiness around me? My actions have directly lead to other people's happiness and unhappiness. So how am I not at least partly responsible?
It's particularly hard with my mother, because any time I have disagreed with her or she's been unhappy with me, she's been disproportionately cold or angry to me. Now I am not talking to her because of this, and she has become manipulative. I have learnt that doing things that make other people unhappy means I get punished emotionally.
Another bad thing is that I probably have learnt to do that behaviour myself to some extent, so I've probably done that to others in relationships - I can only think of one example but that's scary enough.
She doesn't only do it to me, she has repeatedly done it to my dad, so he is afraid of ever going against her, even when she is obviously in the wrong. He does not stand up to her because her not talking to him for weeks is not worth the battle. So I have not learnt from him how to stand up to her in a healthy way.
At home everyone has to prioritise mum's happiness over their own, or they will be punished emotionally. We have all learnt that we are responsible for her happiness. I'm not sure how to unlearn this - I can't even take it on board intellectually, let alone from my heart as a belief.
It really bugs me that we had a psychologist friend once who came round when I was a teenager, and told us we had a healthy family, when I knew that we did not have the best relationships. My parents have revelled in that belief ever since.
You are at the beginning of your CBT journey - the answers to your questions will become clearer along the way.
I meant you can't make yourself responsible for someone else's happiness - just as you shouldn't make someone else responsible for yours.
Ask yourself - in trying to put your mum's happiness first, has your family been a happy, functional one?
It isn't as black and white as, "I'm happy, therefore someone else has to be unhappy." You can only make other people feel happy if you yourself are happy and are meeting your own needs.
I have a difficult family dynamic too, mostly stemming from unhappy parents in childhood. As I have got older and had counselling, I understand it better. I can't change anyone in my family, but I can change my reaction and behaviour to it.
I now know that my mum's behaviour is largely in reaction to get own upbringing, as is mine. Once you see the pattern, you can choose to change it.
Also I wonder if I am taking responsibility for my own happiness. Or am I waiting for those who have made me unhappy to make amends? I'm probably not going to get any apologies. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, and it will probably never happen.
---------- Post added at 10:02 ---------- Previous post was at 09:59 ----------
I also know her behaviour is due to her upbringing - but I didn't realise which behaviours were normal and which weren't. I was also repeatedly told by her that she has not passed down any of the damage to me. She only ever hit me once and she apologised, while she was repeatedly abused in a very damaging way.
So no, she has not damaged me by abusing me, but she has still been emotionally unsupportive and has made me look after her emotionally rather than the other way round. She has either not been able to see this, or has chosen to ignore this. It's really hurt me and my understanding of the world.
I learnt about only changing my own behaviour and not changing others the first time I had therapy. It helped. Somehow I'm still not dealing with this situation very well.
Also I wonder if I am taking responsibility for my own happiness. Or am I waiting for those who have made me unhappy to make amends? I'm probably not going to get any apologies. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, and it will probably never happen.
I read a bit of what was said in your therapy. I have to say it's spot on. And what you're saying here is truth as well. No, IMO you won't get the apologies you're waiting for because the other person did exactly as your therapist is asking you to do.. i.e. Make a decision for your own well being even if it makes someone else unhappy and have the inner fortitude to live with the decision knowing it was best thing for "you".
Keep on moving forward... one foot in front of the other.
Positive thoughts
You will come to a place of compassion for your parents, impossible as that may seem right now - and at that point, you will have lost your anger and they will have lost their power over you.
That compassion will come from realising that your parents are only human and flawed, and doing the best they can while dealing with their own issues and legacy from their own upbringing.
When you're young, you think your parents know it all, have it sorted etc - but when you become a parent yourself, you realise that everyone's just doing the best they can, figuring it out as they go along.
Clearly, your mother was/is unhappy and insecure. Her emotional needs were maybe not met when she was growing up, so in a way, she has never grown up - she is still waiting for someone else to make her feel better, without realising that they can't.
She always used to say 'I take care of everyone, but who is going to take care of me?' - because my dad was emotionally unresponsive. And when she discovered she is dyslexic a few years ago, she required more support than ever. She would talk to me about her relationship with my dad too, when I was a teenager.
Even if I understand her motivations, I am still upset that she made me into the person to look after her, rather than any of her friends. 'Her best' was not good enough to leave me emotionally stable, and now I'm having to unlearn behaviours I learnt from her.
Even when I was suicidal she wanted me to come over to comfort her for her problems. Even in my hour of greatest need, she could not see or prioritise my needs, even though I couldn't have communicated any more clearly. This is so recent that I am not close to forgiving her.
Your parents are meant to be the people that look after you as you grow up. I appreciate that they spent money on me, housed me, fed me, educated me. I appreciate that they did a lot for me. They even wanted me to stay at home beyond uni so I could save to buy property. But the emotional side of things is severely lacking. I felt like getting me to stay at home after uni was leverage for them to ask me to look after mum - do her uni work for her, look after my brother too, do housework, keep her company, be her counsellor. If I wanted to go out to find myself a job, I would be berated. I was trapped.
No more! I am living without them, and without their help. I need to work on taking responsibility for my own happiness. I don't consciously wish they would apologise. I actually don't think I care enough about being happy at the moment to get myself there. I don't have strong enough aspirations to motivate me. I'm more motivated to not be in my boring lonely job, but still have enough money to go out and have fun.
Lior, I could have written what you wrote almost word for word.
My mum used to say exactly what you're did about who cared for her.
She also used me as a confidante when her marriage to my dad was breaking down, but would never support me against him.
She kept me at home when my siblings had left, by keeping me in a financial straight jacket.
If I ever did anything she didn't approve of (even having my hair cut), she wouldn't speak to me for days. Nothing I ever did was good enough.
When I gave birth to my children, my mum didn't send flowers, " because everyone would send you them, so it would be a waste of money." That is just one example in a hundred of her attitude towards me.
I had counselling a couple of years ago, and her behaviour was actually described as emotionally abusive by the counsellor.
I didn't see her for 3 years until this summer. I made it very clear that I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me in that way anymore -I have my own family now, and will not allow my children to think that it is ok.
Things will never be as I might wish, but they are better.
That made me cry a lot. It's disturbing to know that someone else has experienced something so similar, and it is acknowledged as emotionally abusive. It's disturbing to know that you didn't want to see her for three years and that you've reacted so strongly to it. I've reacted strongly too, but I thought I might be over reacting because of my general poor mental health. It shows that it's not just me being unreasonable - there genuinely is something the matter.
She also does not support me against my dad - she has even forced me into going on walks with him to try and get our relationship to be better, even when I explained how I couldn't cope with the extra stress. Any complaint I have against him, she will deny, even though if she complains about him I have to go along with it. Hearing so much bad stuff about him through the years from her, I don't even want to like my dad.
I've been mostly too afraid to do things she doesn't approve of in case it incurs her wrath or silence. It was brave of you to get your hair cut!
I really hope she might be able to change a little bit before I have children. I always hoped to have my children near her so she could help, and so they would have a grandma. But not like this - not after I realise how much control she has had over me.
I am glad to hear that things are better with you, and that you have clarity over what you want for your kids. I am way behind you in understanding the situation, so whatever insight you have might be useful even though I might not really get it right now - I might just have to go through this slow process of understanding bit by bit, so that I can take it to heart.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with.
My mum now lives over 200 miles away, so in some ways that makes any relationship easier because it's mostly conducted by phone. Also, she is elderly now (I am in my 40's).
You will find a way to manage your relationship with your mum, Lior, but it will take time and work.
It was actually my mum who asked to resume contact, and when she did, I was very clear how she had hurt me (she even moved house, from the family home I grew up in, without telling me and allowing me to say goodbye) - she had no idea.
It wasn't all easy when I saw her again, but she was very careful not to criticise me, which was a huge step forward. I have come to accept that she will never be the mum I might wish for - so I spend my energy trying to be that mum to my children.
I am glad that your mum and you have progressed your relationship. Maybe one day I will be motivated enough to make it work with my mum too. Right now, I'm still too upset with her, and my dad and brother.
I've taken a bit of a step backwards recently. I have my typical tired tonsillitis Lior illness. I've been in bed a lot during the last week, partly from that and partly because I don't care about doing stuff. I'm just not interested. I don't care about not making money from my job. I don't care about living life to the full, like I'm meant to. I'm not getting up when I should and not going to sleep when I should. I was crying a lot and now it's like my mind won't let me think about anything so I don't cry much.
I don't even care that I appear to be more depressed this week than last week. I'm depressed and I don't care. I know I should want to get better and I'll only get better if I try. I don't really care about trying. I'm distantly concerned about that, but mostly I'm glad to be in bed and watching TV on my laptop. It's like my life and capacity for living has shrunk right down. It's a problem because I don't fit in with the rest of the world and it's probably not a sustainable way to live. But right now, I don't care.
I think that's understandable.
And actually, it's ok to not to care for a while - it's a form of self-protection, a way of shutting down and allowing your mind to get some rest.
Whatever you do, don't start dwelling or ruminating on why you don't care, or whether you should. Just accept it for now.
When is your next CBT session?
Tuesday. I've only got three left, unless more gets booked in.
I feel like I'm lost at sea rather than captain of my own ship. Anchorless. Rudderless. This is not what I thought my life would be.
I'm reading a really good book at the moment, The Mindful way Through Depression.
It explains how depression is caused by our constant living in the future and past, and comparing where we are to where we think we should be - and how that makes us feel worse and worse.
Everything you have said rings true of this. You think your life should be different, you think you should be meeting a particular expectation, and it's the gap between where you are now and that place that you are ruminating on and that is making you feel worse.
Might be worth getting hold of a copy of the book and having a read.
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