I feel like I can't cope anymore.

[Lumos]

Hi, I'm a 22 year old girl from England. Since I was 11 I have suffered from depression but it took until I was 19 to be diagnosed and treated, which was hard enough to deal with. I now feel like I don't want to be alive due to the constant panic and worrying and intense sadness everyday.
I have bad thoughts constantly, that my step dad is going to murder my mam and my little brother and sister. I am too scared to go home, but the guilt I feel makes me vomit as its so intense. I am crying for 95% of the time I am awake, and even when I'm asleep I have nightmares. i recently started a job and I thought that this might have helped to take my mind off of things, but the panic and worry is affecting that too. My mam is getting annoyed at my behaviour, which makes things 10x harder as I feel i can't talk to anyone.
I have recently been put on beta blockers to try and combat the anxiety, and I am on 150g of trazodone.
I need reassurance that other people have experienced anxiety on this level as I feel so alone and sad in the world. I need help but feel like I can't get it from people around me.

[Canbud]

You've come to the right place. :hugs:

Is there a trusted friend you can talk to? A counsellor maybe? It sounds like you need a shoulder and someone to express all your fears to.

[Lumos]

I have tried counselling twice before, the first time was ridiculously bad, the second time I had constant nightmares and dreaded going to speak to the counsellor. My boyfriend is fantastic, and is very patient and understanding but nobody can understand the sheer terror I'm feeling all of the time. My mam is a brilliant woman, but she has her own problems and I feel like I'm a burden to everyone. I'm having 4-5 panic attacks a week compared to the odd one out of the blue as well :(

[yearsofpanic]

im having my first one tonight for a long time. maybe a few months. im terrified too.

[tommy1982]

hi lumos

sorry to hear you feel so crap we all know what its like to be inside one of those cycles , how hard it is to get out of bed, wishing it would just go away

I think the fact you have started some beta blockers and the anti depressant is a great start how long have you been on those?

You need to keep fighting find the right doctor and med it will make things a lot easier.

what you are experiencing is day to day what anxiety suffers experience, like is so so hard at he moment for you but it can change and all get better over night.

please stay tuff and dont give up, keep trying new routes to get better until one of them work.

tom

[puffinspace]

Hi Lumos, I hope you are ok. I think the age you're at is a difficult one, too. I had my worst panic suffering at precisely that age. If you've gone through a lot in your teens and childhood, it can come out badly in your early twenties, when you're first having to face the world as a grown up and deal with stuff. It can be overwhelming. But it does get better, your resilience does grow. I felt (and have always felt) like a bit of a useless person for not being able to cope, but I've still had a lot of happy times and in fact have grown massively stronger in myself, so it does get better. Just keep going and you will eventually feel better. One foot in front of the other.