How to stop irrational thoughts

[puddingduck]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some tips on how to maintain objective thinking when suffering from anxiety. I'm in a new relationship and my partner is away at the moment and I'm finding myself extremely anxious when I'm not in frequent contact with him. My mind tricks me into thinking that he doesn't want to talk to me, that he doesn't care about me anymore, etc. Basically all kinds of worst-case-scenario negative thoughts. Then hours later when we talk again, I realise immediately how ridiculous I was and that it's all just my insecurities and anxiety.

What would you guys do to stop negative, irrational thoughts like that? At the moment it's happening on a daily basis, for hours at a time. Even when I try to tell myself that it's anxiety and I'm not thinking objectively, I still can't get myself out of that mental space.

[MyNameIsTerry]

The first thing to understand is that these types of thoughts are intrusive, they come from the subconscious, not the conscious mind. You are not using a cognitive process to think this, so its much harder to stop them because your subconscious is seeing a trigger event and sending all this to your conscious mind which is when you start being anxious over it and overthinking it all. This means that its a negative thought pattern which requires retraining and this can take time.

So, you need to understand that it won't go straight away and thats fine, although it is causing you anxiety you don't need, because such processes require a certain amount of effort over time until they lose their intensity or trigger less frequently.

Keep telling yourself its irrational, accept the thoughts for now but that doesn't mean accepting they are rational or correct, it just means you accept you have them at the moment but will conquer them in time. This is important because you can intensify your anxiety by ruminating over all this e.g. you fall into the 'what ifs' trap and catastrophic thinking.

You could try Thought Records (there are templates online) where you write it down and then use challenging statements to rationalise it, so you see the reality. You already know the reailty, its just your subconscious doesn't and this is a CBT method that you keep using in the hope your subconscious takes note of it. Sometimes it can help getting it out of your head and onto paper as well.

Another way is Mindfulness. You can practice this in meditation so that you recognise these thoughts but try not to judge them. Over time this undermines their power because it teaches you to look at them as irrational and meaningless. It may sound a bit odd at first but as you keep practising this, the thoughts become less intense and become less frequent. As this happens, your anxiety levels reduce and you move away from these negative thought patterns.

I know this works because I have various forms of OCD and this did it for me. Many of my OCD issues are gone and the worst ones are greatly reduced.

Because your trigger causes you to fall into a pattern of questioning your relationship, it sounds more like Relationship OCD, as opposed to Separation Anxiety which would be more about just not wanting to be without them. There are other members discussing this on the OCD board so its worth talking to them.

Here is some info off OCD UK's website:

http://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:

Constantly analysing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault.
Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.
Doubts that one's partner is being faithful.
Doubts that one may cheat on their partner.
Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.
The constant analysing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent relationship.