View Full Version : why is life so unkind to me
Life is unkind to me. I hate my job, my family bring me nothing but stress and misery. My partner left me 'because it just doesn't feel right anymore' I took an overdose and spent 11 days in hospital in complete pain.
I literally have no will to live, I find joy in nothing. I just don't care. I just don't have the will to live. I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. I won't take tables or have therapy I've done it all FOR YEARS nothing will ever change I will always be this way. I just don't want this life, I feel so angry that my overdose didn't work (I'm not going to try again) when I was in hospital I was fine I was locked away from everything and everyone I didn't have to think about anything or deal with anything and now I'm back to my sad little life. I've mastered wearing a mask so no one even knows that I feel exactly the same as when I took the overdose. I honestly won't try it again I messed myself up badly and I couldn't bare another failed attempt. I want to die but I'm not depressed the crisis team told me that and I'm not suicidal. What does that make me?
Sometimes terminology can be unhelpful. Someone has told you that you are not depressed. They may be saying that for many different reasons:
- you might not fit their expert understanding of what depression is
- you might not fit their basic understanding of what depression is
- they might not care about you and just want a hospital bed
- they might be avoiding paperwork
- etc
Even if you don't fit into an expert's description of depression, you are the only person who can say if something is wrong in your life. You are an expert on yourself. You clearly are - you've tried out a lot of different things, and it sounds like you know yourself well. If you think your life is not how you want it to be, you don't need the label of 'depression' to justify that fact.
Sorry if that's not articulate enough. I just don't believe that you should take everything the crisis team say as gospel. Our understanding of mental health as a society and in medicine is still not great. If you don't fit particular patterns, so what? You still have a problem: you don't care about living and you find no joy and you don't like thinking or dealing with your normal life things, and you see that as a problem. If you say it's a problem, it's a problem.
Can you change your job, distance yourself from your family for a bit and make new friends?
This is the first I've ever held a job down in my life. If I quit this job I know I will spend the rest of my life unemployed. I live with my family and I don't even know how to make friends.
I spend all my time wishing I was dead. I just don't want to do this anymore. I feel alone, no one will help me and I can't even help myself.
Well, in that case, perhaps the first step is to find a way to meet people. It sounds like your situation is making you unhappy.
You probably do know how to make friends, but you don't feel confident in doing it. There are lots of group activities on MeetUp - check it out, maybe something will take your fancy. You can make friends through shared interests, or through spending time together at work. Are you friends with anyone at work?
I was unhappy at home but I didn't put it down to being at home. I didn't realise how deep an effect it had until I moved out.
I understand how you feel, and I also feel that the mountains of changing my life are too hard to climb. I'm not sure if I can climb them.
Btw, you say no one will help you, yet some random girl on the internet is trying to be helpful to you right now. Some of the things you believe are not true.
I just feel in pain. Ive lost loads of weight I hardly sleep. It gets worse everyday. The thing is I have no will power to try and I can't find any. If I could flip a switch and turn it off I would. It's more frustrating because I know I'm doing this to myself all this negative emotion is coming from me. It's been to long it's been years and years of this. I've always had fight and desire to beat it and over come it but I've exhausted every option and nothing has worked. Now I just give up and I just live it every single day
I know exactly how you feel. And I know there's no reasoning with you right now. How you feel is so strong that any rational logic that other people tell you is not going to help. You don't feel any aspirations. You are totally unmotivated. You don't believe that anything could possibly change that could make you feel differently.
Does therapy make you feel temporarily better? Does anything make you feel temporarily better? Forget about beating it. Can you do stuff that makes one moment of your week slightly more bearable? Perhaps accepting that this is how you are right now might take the pressure off 'getting better'.
No therapy does nothing, I think medication actually makes it worse because I always end up with the side effects. The only time I don't feel this pain is when I'm asleep. The moment I open my eyes I feel it like I'm being hit by a train. My life is a wreck, I'm a wreck. I wish I was strong and fight it but it's just a crushing feeling I can't. My poor mum look terrified because I came so close to dying when I took an overdose and I was hiding how I was feeling inside when I got out of hospital she thoughg I was fine but now it's too much and I.can't hide it. I won't try and hurt myself I think about it but I know I won't do it. It's not that I even wanted to die I just wanted this pain to stop. I've never felt this hopeless I don't know how much longer I can bare it
It's so nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world that has felt that way. BTW there is also http://suicideproject.org - that helped me when NMP got freaked out about how suicidal I was.
I know what you mean. I wanted the pain to stop. It seems impossible that it will ever end. I couldn't bare it. Death is better than such a terrible quality of life. I'm not really in a position to tell you how to get out of where you are because I still feel the same way, but perhaps with a little bit more confidence and hope than before, because I have a little more clarity on why everything is shit in my life now. Now I know why, I might be able to fight it.
Can your mum help you? Can you talk to her about things? Can your relationship change now? Nobody is fine straight after an overdose...
I don't know, I don't want to drag my mum into this. I don't even want to talk about it with anyone I know. The person who I trusted and could talk to was my partner and who has just left me and walked out of my life with little reason. I have to deal with a broken heart on top of all the other shit I'm feeling
Yeah, that happened to me too. I can't believe the *******ly lack of empathy. He left me two days after I fell out with my family big time, and I had nowhere to stay - I had a suitcase of clothes, and I couch surfed for six weeks. I thought I'd just be away for a couple of weeks but I'm still gone four months later. I'm not coping with all the loss very well.
It sounds like everything is shit for you. So what does it matter if you drag your mum into this? She would have been upset if you'd successfully killed yourself. So it doesn't matter if you make her upset now. It's better to make her upset and get help to change, than to not upset her and not make any change. Get help, if not from her then from somewhere, or you are the one that keeps losing.
Yeah It's awful that my partner left me, I asked if we could still be friends but she doesn't want that either.
As for my mum, I saw the fear in her when I was in hospital everyone was so angry at me I got called selfish and a coward by the people in my life who love me. My mum thinks I'm fine now I don't want her to have to start worrying all over again.
It sounds like you have had an awful time, credit to you strength though your break up sounds hard! Life can be cruel but we have no choice but to stare each down and keep going.
I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed or felt anything other than this hopeless feeling. I keep trying to tell myself that it's only temporary but I feel like I'm lying to myself every time I say it
How dare those people talk like that to you after what you did. How dare the hospital staff not educate them a bit about mental health too. Being called selfish and a coward is the most unproductive thing I can think of to say to someone who has been through an experience like yours.
Please don't listen to them. If you're anything like me, wanting to die is an escape from the daily pain - it's you trying to be good to yourself. Courageousness is when you are afraid of doing something but you do it anyway. If you're anything like me, you might have also been tormented by the idea of causing other people pain, but then eventually your own pain got too much to bear.
You are not selfish and cowardly. You are trying to do what's right for you. Even if that's misguided.
You are not fine, and while you shut your mum out of the reality of how you feel, your relationship is not going to be a healthy one. She might be able to help you - that might be the difference between the future and the past.
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