Recent Breakdown

[State of panic]

I was in my third week of 50mg of Zoloft I was experiencing heightened anxiety, nausea, sweats, shaking in the mornings so I reached my limit and drove myself to the hospital and told them I am dying or losing my mind. I have a horrible abusive marriage, and I am seeking treatment from a psychiatrist as well as a domestic abuse center for counseling and guidance. I was fortunate enough to have a ER doctor who said his wife recently went thru a breakdown and he was so kind and helpful and explained that what I was feeling was normal. I begged him to put me in the psych ward and he asked if I wanted to harm myself or anyone and I said no, but I can't live like this anymore. He said you don't really belong in the psych ward and you can be treated as an outpatient with proper therapy and medications to calm your severe anxiety. He gave me a strong calm pill and had me sleep for a few hours in the ER.

more than anything I wanted to express and reach out to others that have had a mental breakdown of this nature .... It seemed the breakdown didn't just happen my horrible marriage and other circumstances have escalated to this happening to me now it has been coming on slowly probably for the past year until it hit me out of nowhere it seemed. I have been depressed and unhappy for a long long time. I knew I was depressed when I could barely shower but twice a week and didn't care about my appearance, seems I have been stuck in this unhappy pit for so long and it finally caught up with me. The night before I drove myself to the hospital I laid on the living room floor chanting please help me, please help me God. I begged my husband to take me but he said drive yourself to the nut ward I want no part of it. The nurse asked me if I was in an abusive marriage and I said YES, and immediately a social worker came in to talk to me. I was all alone and didn't know who to call so I called my future son n law and he came directly to the hospital (my daughter was at college two hrs away) I was so embarrassed having a melt down and he had to see me like that. the nurse asked me a very interesting question she said we can put you in the psych ward for 72 hrs but then you will go right back to the toxic environment you are living in, and that is what needs to change in your life and there is help for that.

The start up on the Zoloft was nasty!!! made me feel sick, queezy, no appetite, tingling on my skin, hot flushes, sweats ,,,, and about a month into the treatment I saw great improvements. The doctor increased my dose to 75mg and sure enough after about 4 days I had some slight nausea again and some anxiety but nothing like it was when I first started, I hope to get stabilized with 75mg the doctor said that 50mg is a very low dose and I really need 75mg. I have never had anything like this happen to me, never dreamed I would have a breakdown like this as I am a strong person, but have always battled anxiety. Now I am facing a divorce after 28 years of marriage, and it's all very scary to me but the abusive marriage is making me sick and I can no longer endure it.

Thanks for listening and anyone who replies encouragement would be appreciated during this time.

[Carnation]

State of Panic, you need a good Therapist. All the trauma and stress needs to be released. Your Mind needs to be freed of all of this woe! You are not alone, many of us on here have been through the same or similar as you. A Therapist will support and help you through this. :)

[State of panic]

I just started therapy at the crisis center and I have a psychiatrist but he has done nothing for me but ask how my meds are working and see ya next week ... I believe you are right, I have bottled up all this stress for too long and it needs to be released and freed from my mind. The medications can only do a part of the help it requires some hard work to pull yourself out, I am reaching out for professional help and I know I am not alone but one feels very alone in this emotional pain. Thank you for your reply.

[wabbit1]

Hmmm sounds like your psychiatrist isn't doing much for you. Is there someone senior to him who you can request someone else through?

I hope you get the help you need x

[State of panic]

I am confused the Dr at the hospital said that you need a psychologist NOT a psychiatrist, there is a difference. I chose a psychiatrist because he can dispense meds, but he isn't even giving me any type of CBT or anything he just listens and says I understand or I understand how you would feel this way etc.... He asked me why have you stayed in an abusive marriage for so long and I wanted to say you tell me Doc, I told him I was scared for financial reasons to leave but I have self esteem issues that seriously need addressed Mybhusband has destroyed my confidence and self esteem I feel useless and worthless as a person, after years and years of his verbal bushings. I actually believe I am worthless, which keeps me in this horrible abusive marriage, vicious cycle. I mean we are talking about serious serious verbal abuse last month he said if I were a man he would bash my head in and things like if you think you will get one penny of my pension or alimony I will kill your first before that happens, I was a good wife to him and this is what he says to me, he said any man would have killed you by now even your psychiatrist would have killed you by now if he was married to you, kill me WHY? For being a good wife? I thought marriage was thru sickness and health he wouldn't even take me to the hospital when I had my breakdown, he yelled and said get off the floor what the F is wrong with you!!!!!

I actually had to ask the crisis center team if I was being abused or if this was my fault the crisis center said almost everyone that is abused asks this question because they are so broken down and confused and believe its their fault their partner is so hateful. She reassured me that I am indeed being domestically abused and your husband has some severe issues and we will help you to get out of this traumatic life you are living. The crisis center gives me better counseling than the psychiatrist, she wants me to participate in group sessions to see how other women are going thru what I am living. They also can give me names of divorce attorneys. So my question is why isn't this psychiatrist doing anything for me? Would a psychologist at the center be better for me? The psychiatrist was said to be good, perhaps I don't understand what the difference is between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. ????? the crisis center also said we offer 6 weeks of lodge in the event he gets too hostile we will take care of you, however my daughter said I could stay with her while the divorce proceedings are going on as she knows how her father is and his anger.

What a mess, why do I have to be medicated with Zoloft and Xanax when HE is the one that needs help? That doesn't seem right but I guess when you are living with someone that is disordered like this anyone would lose their mind.

[wabbit1]

Maybe asking to see a psychologist instead would be a good plan. The people at the crisis centre will have more experience of this. That'll be why they're able to help you.

Remember none of it is your fault. Your husband has issues but you need to look out for yourself.

[Carnation]

It sounds like you need a good friend too. I would consider staying with your Daughter and maybe joining some group with people that are going through the same as you. I don't think you have the right relationship with your current psychiatrist, but the sound of it, it seems like a waste of time. I currently see a Therapist, who listens, advises, reminds me of my worth and generally makes me feel good. This is what you need. You need support, someone to listen and to be reminded that none of this is your fault and that your Life is important and worth living. I found mine independently and you will find many on the internet in your area. I know how it is to feel unwanted and to have mental abuse. It's not nice and can make you feel totally worthless. But, don't think you deserve this or have instigated any of this behavior. I'm afraid that this does happen to people and it shouldn't! Take care. :)

[State of panic]

Thank you so much for your supportive replies, and yes how perceptive of you Carnation, I do need a friend I am so lonely I sit in my bedroom at night with my cat after work, there was once a favorite tree I would park under by a school and cry in my car but the Zoloft has lifted some of the depression and that has helped. I ask myself how in the world did my life get to this as I am sure we have all asked ourselves. I can understand for the first time how depression can lead to suicide when you feel all hope is gone, but I want to live Inam fighting to make my life better. When the emergency doctor asked me if I had suicide thoughts I looked at him and said NO, have you ever heard of a hypochondria wanting to die? He sort of chuckled. I have health anxiety as well which the Zoloft has helped me with tremendously to stop the catastrophic thoughts.

my daughter has a masters degree in psychology of all things I know,,, but she can't counsel me because she said she harbors lack of understanding watching someone she loves let herself get abused and treated like shit my whole marriage, and wonders where my self respect went to. I can understand how it would hurt a child to see this. I am not a patient that is a stranger to her I am her mother she is too close to me to counsel me. Carnation you have a great therapist, I don't feel bad when I leave my session but he gives me no reassurance. I am going to one more session with him tomorrow and see how it goes but I am going to be honest with him and tell him I need more guidance from him. I am going to stick with the crisis center as they made me feel there is hope and his abuse is not my fault. I really need my thinking turned around I feel as if I have been the whipping post for his hostility and disorder and allhis sickness has made me mentally not well. there is no pill that could ever help him what he has is permanent. I think he is a narcissist myself but it doesn't matter what clinical name we give, abuse is abuse. I was told by him yesterday that this isn't going to end well for me I will end up living in a box on the street, well at least I won't be abused in that box.

[Carnation]

Oh, I am so sorry State of Panic. I really feel for you. Isn't it strange how you can be surrounded by people, but still feel alone? I do know how you feel, I have been there, so I know what it is like. I used to drive by the river, sit in my car and stare at the water for hours crying and looking for an answer. My positives to you, are that you can have a better life, it can improve and I want you to remember that. Your Life will not always be this way. I don't know how old you are, but I am assuming that you are around my age, so you still have many, many years to Live and enjoy your Life. You have a cat and so do I, they can be so comforting; they never judge you and are always there for you. It sounds like you have a very intelligent Daughter as well and she will support you. I do advise; despite the trauma that you are going through, to join some clubs or just get out there and meet new people; some how. You need as much support as you can get and keeping busy takes your Mind off of your worries.

[State of panic]

Thank you Carnation you made me feel so much better. I am 56, when I was in the ER my son n law talked with me and said you act like your life is over you have a lot of living yet to do, you are an attractive woman and you never know what the future will hold for you he said my father is now 75 remarried and happier than ever. this is a big bump in the road for you now and you will get past it because you are getting divorced does not mean your life is over.

you poor thing I know what that is like to just sit in your car and cry and chant what am I going to do, nice to know I am not the only one that did that. My most recent spot is the apartment complex down the street, I sit in the parking lot and cry but my daughter drove past it and saw my car and knocked on the window and said mother what are you doing why are you sitting here crying and I told her I needed to be alone and cry. She said come on mom come with me and let's talk. This is when she said you need to change your life mom no more excuses you need to get out of the abusive marriage and DO SOMETHING, crying in your car won't change a thing, she gets a little tough with me but she said I have watched you get treated like shit my whole life by dad and it's goona stop, get help find the respect in yourself that you deserve. I went thru some pretty extreme anxiety for about two months until I got Zoloft and that took a good month to really kick in. Thank you for giving me hope that I CAN have a happier life and I will not always be a mental mess. Xoxoxox

[Carnation]

You are more than welcome and if you ever need to chat I am here. :)

[State of panic]

How can I pM you?

[Carnation]

Just click on my name, (Carnation), and a bar comes down, then click on PM. :)