View Full Version : mother with OCD?
Hello
This is my first time on a forum. I have been trying to find some info on OCD- which i think my mum has got. She checks and re-checks doors and windows and electric switches about btwn 10-20 times at least 3 times a day. She fears for my safety in a huge huge way- if I go out- she will ring me at least 3-5 times to see where I am and when I am coming home- If I am coming home in the evening she will ring me every 10 mins till I get home to check where I am and each time the messages will get more abusive. I should say I am in my mid twenties and am back at home after 5 years of living on my home. Financial reasons have forced me home. But the most upsetting is the hoarding. The house is jam packed full of things, new bits of furniture, old bits of furniture, things to decorate the house with, rubbish that is not thrown out, and in her room there are clothes everywhere, papers piled high on the floor, bits of food like crisps and nuts on her bedside table, her bed is covered in papers, the carpet is full of crumbs, she never draws the curtain, or opens the windows for fresh air. I could go on......basically I do what I can- but now its become a never ending battle- as much as I clean and clean and tidy- she will mess it up again- or there will be some excuse like the builders are in or she is ill- another thing that has gone on for years, sometimes she thinks she has cancer, another time heart problems, another time stomach ulcers- and I try but its getting me down. How do I live my life and yet be a good daughter? How do I help her when she doesnt want any help and in fact picks fault with me on a daily basis? And even when I moved out she would still ring me 2-3 times aday every day and tell me she could not cope without me at home.
Also I have noticed that over the years I have this habit of for no reason having to count to ten. Usually if I am walking home late at night, or am upset about something. Its not a daily or even a weekly or monthly thing- but its there sometimes and I worry- will I turn into her?
Please - I would be really grateful for any advice. Has my mum got OCD? What can i do? Anything would be great.
Thank you for listening.
Hi Abby
Welcome to the site, it does sound like you mum has OCD and it cant be easy for you the pressure she is putting you under.
I dont think you have anything to worry about by counting to 10 it is your way of coping when feel stressed, a good technique to calm you down and no doubt you sometimes do it when on your way home as you know you are entering the same stressful environment.
Has you mother ever sought help for this. Hoarding is a good indictor of OCD as they dont want to let go of anything. By having her room such a mess do you think she is depressed aswell and cant be bothered to keep the place tidy, that is quite usual.
Love Sal xxxxx
hello Abby,
Yes, it certainly sounds like your mum is suffering from OCD. It also sounds like this is causing you a lot of unwanted stress. I wouldn't worry about ending up like her as you are very aware of the fact that she is very over the top and because of this, it is very unlikely that you could ever be like her. It's kinda like Catch 22 - if you think you could be mad, you're definetly not!! Is there anyone one you could talk to about her? It might be a good idea to get some advice because she would probably be a much nicer, 'normal' person if she got some help. Take care.
Sarah :D
Hi.
Thanks for the replies- means a lot. I never thought of the counting to do with stress at home- thats a weight off.
She wont talk to anyone- or even admit there is a problem. She's been depressed for years so Im sure that adds to the problem of not wanting to clean the house. A while back she was on prozac and when i went to uny she used to see her GP once a week for a chat- but then things got too painful for her so she stopped- she has the ability to re-invent the past or present to suit her and whenever I bring up the issue however tentatively or even crassly when ive had enough she replies by saying she's "not mad" and that her life is hard- with no man in her life to protect her.
What makes it harder is that sometimes I resent her so much- especially as all my life she has been like this and when I was younger- before I got taller than her she used to hit me and lock me in rooms for being bad. and it took me years to get over the pain of the things she had done and now here I am again- looking after her now- it doesnt seem fair sometimes.
I guess there is no remedy really bcse she has to want to be helped- but i do know that my health is now suffering with asthma bcse of the mess in the house and on and off depression as I see no way out. Its just good to know that there are people who understand. When I chat to my friends they just say well move out- but if it was that simple I wd hae done it by now- you know? I feel responsible- bcse she has cut herself off so much- she has no one except me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply though- its good to know im not alone. x
hello again Abby,
I was thinking - is there no one you could get to talk to your mum about getting some advice/help? maybe someone who she trusts and might listen to?
It's so unfair that you are all alone having to deal with her - I really feel for you.
Sarah :D
Hi Abby
Pleased you feel a bit better about the counting and can see it is stress related, it is you subconsciously unwinding yourself before you enter an environment that you know is so stress related for you. It shows how rational you are about it and that is your coping mechanism, which so many people find they havent got one. You have adjusted to the situation and cope by gearing yourself up ready for it.
It is a hard situation especially as your mother made you suffer when you were younger through her illness and now you are the one left to pick up the pieces.
I know your friends say just leave, but you feel obliged to help her through it, but you have to remember you have helped her for a long time now and she is no further forward. Having you there is her way of not facing up to her problems and she is relying heavily on you. And if starting to affect your health you have to remember that you count as much as her.
You are in a very hard situation and obviously as much as you support your mum you need more support to get you through this.
You obviously care a lot for your mother as you are there supporting her but still have issues as how she treated you, so you are a strong person offering that constant support when she hurt you when you were younger.
It doesnt matter how much you do for her, she has to want to help herself or you dont stand a chance. You need to try and make her realise how much help she needs and that you alone cant cure her or make her feel better.
Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal and Sarah
Your advice means a lot to me it really does and it just helps to know someone understands.
There are people she talks to- but no one she would be honest with- as she doesnt feel she has a problem- in fact most of the time she tells me I am the one with the problems and that I am selfish and heartless....so thats the way the world is for her- she often sees herself as a victim. Dont get me wrong she's not awful all the time- but most of the time to get home after a long day at work and see rubbish all over the place, know that she has just been lying in bed all day and shouting at the TV- makes me angry and sometimes you feel like you will implode. This is the first time Ive ever been on one of these forums or spoken so frankly about her illness- so it feels like a breakthrough for me. I have said that as much as is possible I have to distance myself from what she is doing- or it will make me ill too- and if that means letting her get on with it, or shout at the tv all day or lie in bed all day then so be it- it still makes me angry and upset- but i would rather do that then have to sit with her and counsel her as I have done since I was 13. Theres a time when that has to end surely? She was never a real mother to me when I was vulnerable and though it hurts that she isnt one now- I have to be my own parent or no one else will be you know?
Thankyou again- It really means so much that people understand. Thank you.
nomorepanic
29-08-04, 13:18
Hi Abby
It is great to see you here and caring so much about your mother.
It must be so hard to live like you do and put up with so much as well.
You are doing well though and I am sure the advice you are getting here will help too.
Just wanted to say Hi and Welcome to the forum
Nicola
Hi Abby
You cant expect to be totally repsonsible for her and her saying it is you is the fact that she is in denial, and until she can admit she has a problem you dont really stand a chance in helping her move forward. Like you say you have spent your life helping her when at times you will have needed it so much more. I know she is your mother and regardless of your childhood you love her, but remember you need time for yourself and you dont need to be dragged down by her.
It would be easier to help her if she accepted she was ill, but you cant make her see that.
Remember you will get loads of support on here and it is a break through for you that you have talked about it after so long. You have done well and need as much support as your mum does, so remember to keep having some you time.
Love Sal xxxxx
hello again Abby,
Do let us know how you are getting on...
Sarah :D
Hi Abby
Hope you are doing ok and have had a ok weekend, let us know how things are going hon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Abby,
You have had and have some very difficult situations to deal with in and with this knowledge is power.
Mum does sound OCD/depressive/anxious. There are a couple of more specific OCD orientated drugs than prozac but until she wants to get help ther is no point persuing this.
Your sensible and pragmaticc attitude will get you through as unscathed as possible . It will all affect you but maintaining perspective and distance will be greatly beneficial .
You take care
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
thank you all so much for your support- its been amazing!
some days are better than others and sometimes we actually sit down over a cup of tea and chat and sometimes she does want to change and get help- but then the next day it rarely lasts. What i hope for is that one year- maybe this? I will actually have a new years eve away from home- doing my own thing. That has never happened- and mostly she is in bed, or we have rowed over the hols and she can pick fights sometimes and one year I even cut myself as it got a bit much- but each year I say this will be the one!
Its the guilt- its learning not to feel so damn guilty all the time for something I did not create.
I have been listening to a paul mckenna positive thinking cd- every night for the last month. At first you feel like your brain is fried- but then slowly you see a change- a positivity- i felt i needed a bit of "brain washing" to re-programme me after years of being told i was selfish, ugly and a failure- and it feels like its working a bit.
But this- you - have been a great support- I cant say this enough- it means so much- and i also want people to know- others who may be in a similar situation that it is possible to cope and take each day as it comes- though it hurts- nothing is truly impossible and humans are very resilient.
The weekend was fine- quiet, the usual in lots of ways. Hope you all had a good wknd!
xx
Hi Abby
good to hear from you. I know you will have good days and bad day with your mum and days when you feel she can actually see what she is doing and admit her problems, but then she goes into denial again. That must be so hard on you as one minute you think you have made a break through then it is taken away again.
I am sorry to here you hurt yourself through this, shows what the pressure is likeyou have having to cope with.
You are looking ahead which is good and hoping to have New Years Eve out without been at home looking after your mum, and why shouldnt you hon. You deserve a break more so than others, a free night out with no worries.
I do hope you have more nights out before that. I know you feel guilty which one of us wouldnt but you need to remember you are important too and how you feel counts as much as how your mum feels.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Abbey,
You may find it hard initially but easier in the long run to achieve your goal by starting now to stay out for more longer periods of time. For this pre arranged time let her calls fall on deaf ears. Switch off your phone and turn off the leaving messages part but initially phone home intermittantly.
You need some private time not ruled by Mum.
Is she still quite mobile ?
You may want to tell her this is what you're going to do and remind her that she managed whilst you were not living at home and that you are going to take time out to go to an evening class/ friends etc
Use I am/ I will/ I need words not I'm planning / I'd like which are open to persuasion.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hiya Abby,
Your mum sounds very very scared to admit she needs help. Not just needing help but actually doing something positive about her problems can be a very scary experience and in some ways for her it is easier staying 'put' and 'surviving' likes she does rather than fighting these problems.
I am in no way putting your mother down pls understand that - I only suffered from panic/anxiety and I know how very very scared I was of everything 'new' and even things that weren't new.
BUT you must think of self preservation - I totally agree with Meg you must get some time for you. You seem to have the right attitude and realize that your mother has problems but pls think of yourself.
You are going to feel guilty (even though you shouldn't as you have nothing to feel guilty about) as she is your mother. But at the end of the day as you have said the only person who can help your mother 'start ' to get better is her
Take Care
Lucky
Thank you. All lot there makes sense. Especially the language I should use- being more firm with her- like you say Meg. And yes turning my phone off and calling once or twice in the evening- is a really good idea- though again it feels like she's ruling me as it means no one else can get through- but yes- all good points. this week she has done v little again- i am amazed that she can travel out side of London to visit a clothes shop- or do some sightseeing- but on the way home cannot even get a pint of milk or something for dinner- so its been me again this week and I spent all of today cleaning the house whilst she lies in bed- its 1 baby step fwd and then 10 steps back.
But you are right i need to make time for me that is for me and when im having that time not feel guilty- whats the worst that could happen? She'll get upset- but then i get upset too.
She wont see it as a problem and recently without me pointing out things- the door checking has become worse- as well as the lapses in memory- sometimes the front door is left open- but she's busy checking the back door- even though it hasnt been opened all day.
are there any books out there people who recommend- for me to read?
Thank you again- this is all helping so much- ive spent so long thinking about her and what she needs- that ive forgotten theres a me too. I even feel guilty sometimes about posting here- i cant say why really.
Abby
xx
nomorepanic
04-09-04, 18:18
Hi again Abby
I think it helps you to talk to us about it because we are outside the situation and can offer some advice that you can choose to take on board or ignore. There is no-one specifically telling you what to do just offeing some advice.
That is the beauty of this forum - we are all here for each other and we will help you all we can.
So please don't think about feeling guilty for coming here ok?
Has anything changed atall since you first posted - any progress atall on her behaviour?
I think Meg will be able to offer some advice on the book front as she seems to know some good ones.
Nicola
Hi Abby
Sorry to hear you have been left to clean up and literally pick up the pieces again.
It must be so hard on you but you have to be firm like Meg says otherwise it will take over your life totally, and it is already affecting it. Did you try that site i mentioned and was it any help?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi
Ive been away for a few weeks- and things have been good- but i just needed to come back today as last night was a bad night.
For the first time in months I went out and met an old friend- and had a lovely night. Along the way I got 2 calls asking me where I was. I did what was suggested and ignored them and later sent a text to say this i when I will be leaving town. When I got home it was 12.30am- and I said hello and sorry for being late back- not that at 28 I shd have to! but still. And she then shouted at me for over an hour. following me around the house, telling me I would get raped and killed if I kept coming home late- that my behaviour will give her a heart attack and she will die bcse of me, that my career is going nowhere, that I am selfish and must be insane to take such a risk with my life, to be so careless and so stupid and so selfish to not think of her. I tried to get her to stop talking- eventually I told her to go away, shut the door, turned up the music and had a cigarette.
I cried for most of the night and this morning- I feel so tired of it all- so tired of the same rows and her screaming at me- of her ruining nice evenings and I feel so trapped. Im trying so hard to be positive and to get on with life- but im tired after last nights events.
tell me am i in the wrong? Am i the one with the problem? Should i come home by 9 at the latest every night, never stay over at a friends, never go on holiday alone or with a mate in case i get killed or raped? Am i careless? I dont know anymore what is right and what is wrong. I know that her behaving like this one day then turning up with gifts for me the next is not what i wd like- what i see as healthy - but she says its me- im the mad one, the bad one......what does it sound like to you? I just dont know.
Hi Abby,
You are completely in the right and your Mum is using you to as a shield to project her own many anxieties and insecurities onto.
She also wants the constant company and tries to use security and potential danger as a threat to keep you closer by her.
You do not have the problem- she does and as we already know she does have some deep seated problems. You cannot cure these for her and she doesn't want to address them herself either- so you're geting all the flack .
You need to continue having your times out and getting on with your life.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
thanks meg
but how can i healthily handle her ringing me all the time when i am out- every half hour begging me to come home and not be late- ive tried not answering - but its the log pile of messages from her that is getting to me
i cant seem to sleep anymore- i feel like im going over the edge- having to be happy and normal in my work life and coming home to her and the constant mess and madness- for want of a better term!
x
Hi Abby
You had a night out and broke no rules hon. You need time to yourself and if you mum finds that hard it isnt your fault.
You dont deserve and didnt deserve how she treated you when you came in. You cant be there for her 24 hours, 7 days a week and you stick by that as you need your life.
It would be easy to be swallowed up by her dependance but you have done the right thing bailing out and taking your time which you need.
As hard as it might seem dont give in to her, and it does seem you can see that, so keep doing your own thing, as you really need to.
You have given her so much support, which i admire you for so dont let her take it all away from you.
I know she is your mum and you want to be there night and day for her, but you are you and need your time. Whether you are there all the time or have breaks it wont make a difference to how she is, so to cope with her take you time hon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.