rabmc
21-11-14, 20:31
Hi everyone only recently joined when I found the page trolling google in the middle of the night in the midst of a panic attack.
I will try my best with this, putting it into a readable sentence.
As far back as 11 years old I can remember working myslef into a frenzy over basically nothing, my first memory is one time as youngsters with my friends we found a razor and (as mad as this sounds) started cutting ourselves for fun for some reason that I cant really remember, we were playing some game, wiping it over our faces and acting like idiots basically.
I can remember going home for dinner and my mum/dad going mad at the state of me with blood over me, they had a throw away comment regarding you could get hiv!! This resulted in years of off and on frenzied worrying, when I got any ailment I was convinced I was dying, I kept all this to myself to this day.
Around this time my papa died who I was extremley close too and I took that bad, and from that day on I had serious panic regarding that one day we would die and thinking right into it and freaking out, basically started hurting myslef to take my mind off things but never understood why really I just done it, jamming hands in doors, juming off school roofs, punching walls, windows anything really as well as getting into fights or just generally throwing my weight around and acting like an idiot.
So between the fear of dying taking over my body to thinking I had hiv to basically what I think is a form of hypocondria that I still get, I was a nervous wreck, worrying on and off for years for long peroids without divulging my thoughts to my parents, I had anxiety where I couldnt breath properly and I use to carry xxx strong mints with my everywhere to help me breath, that looking back basically was a comfort thing, many times did a get dragged to doctors and get tested for asthma to no avail, I was never diagnosed with anything in those early years.
So up until 18 I run with the wrong crowd and basically blocked it out with drink and some fights until I met my current wife when at 18, we are now 32, she helped me immencley and it can be a clique but I do not know if I would be here without her patinece, support and love, and she knows this.
During this time I started an apprenticehip as an engineer and went on to quailfy as an engineer which I am still currently working as, along the road I developed social anxiety and not wanting to socialse with friends, cancelling nights out etc etc and basically resulted in my biggest breakdown where I had my fear of dying episode and running my car through a fence into a field on my way to work, it had been with me constantly for around 6 weeks until I snapped, this is when it all came out to my work, family and at the time the girlfriend and now wife, she knew about alot of it but not the worry about dying and me thinking in to what happens once we go. from this I was off work for 4 months and spent a long time staring into space, I was adament I would not take medication from my doctor as I like to know where my state of mind is, time healed and I got better and returned to work.
Fast forward a few years, still with mood swings, drink binges, diet binges and I ended up at CBT which my employer funded, this changed my life, it resulted in me losing 3 stone (alot of my issues are being body conciece) I am not huge and I know this (6ft1>16 stone) but my weight fluctuates with my state of mind, but 12 sessions of cbt had me feeling incredible in body and mind, this was around 1.5 years ago.
To the present day and I have lost my mojo again, this sounds crazy even writing this but here goes, my dog died 6 months ago after being not well, he was only 6 and he was everything to me/us literally and spent fourtunes trying to get him better to no avail, he was my outlet and a great compaion and we were joined at the hip pretty much, it has knocked me right back, binge eating, binge starving myself, drinking too much, bursting into tears, heart palpatations I have it all at the minute.
During up to this time I frantically chased and studied for a new job (oh I get obsessive too) which finally I got the job I always wanted, now I only work 12 days a month with more money than I can hope for, this along with any routine I had is gone and I feel i have no reference point and I am still making exscuses and pushing friends away, I am at my lowest ebb it feels.
I am currently in the process of going back to cbt and also now I have been put on propranolol reluctently so i can perform and function in my new job and generally in life (worked wonders for me so far) the thing is the heart and physical symptoms are new to me and scare me so so much, I have been at a&e numerous times in a fit of panic. :scared15:
Anyway thats the best I can do just now guys, there are bits more to it and bits I have no doubt missed out, but hoping cbt can set me right again :wacko:
Thanks for reading this ramble, sorry for any typos. :doh:
I will try my best with this, putting it into a readable sentence.
As far back as 11 years old I can remember working myslef into a frenzy over basically nothing, my first memory is one time as youngsters with my friends we found a razor and (as mad as this sounds) started cutting ourselves for fun for some reason that I cant really remember, we were playing some game, wiping it over our faces and acting like idiots basically.
I can remember going home for dinner and my mum/dad going mad at the state of me with blood over me, they had a throw away comment regarding you could get hiv!! This resulted in years of off and on frenzied worrying, when I got any ailment I was convinced I was dying, I kept all this to myself to this day.
Around this time my papa died who I was extremley close too and I took that bad, and from that day on I had serious panic regarding that one day we would die and thinking right into it and freaking out, basically started hurting myslef to take my mind off things but never understood why really I just done it, jamming hands in doors, juming off school roofs, punching walls, windows anything really as well as getting into fights or just generally throwing my weight around and acting like an idiot.
So between the fear of dying taking over my body to thinking I had hiv to basically what I think is a form of hypocondria that I still get, I was a nervous wreck, worrying on and off for years for long peroids without divulging my thoughts to my parents, I had anxiety where I couldnt breath properly and I use to carry xxx strong mints with my everywhere to help me breath, that looking back basically was a comfort thing, many times did a get dragged to doctors and get tested for asthma to no avail, I was never diagnosed with anything in those early years.
So up until 18 I run with the wrong crowd and basically blocked it out with drink and some fights until I met my current wife when at 18, we are now 32, she helped me immencley and it can be a clique but I do not know if I would be here without her patinece, support and love, and she knows this.
During this time I started an apprenticehip as an engineer and went on to quailfy as an engineer which I am still currently working as, along the road I developed social anxiety and not wanting to socialse with friends, cancelling nights out etc etc and basically resulted in my biggest breakdown where I had my fear of dying episode and running my car through a fence into a field on my way to work, it had been with me constantly for around 6 weeks until I snapped, this is when it all came out to my work, family and at the time the girlfriend and now wife, she knew about alot of it but not the worry about dying and me thinking in to what happens once we go. from this I was off work for 4 months and spent a long time staring into space, I was adament I would not take medication from my doctor as I like to know where my state of mind is, time healed and I got better and returned to work.
Fast forward a few years, still with mood swings, drink binges, diet binges and I ended up at CBT which my employer funded, this changed my life, it resulted in me losing 3 stone (alot of my issues are being body conciece) I am not huge and I know this (6ft1>16 stone) but my weight fluctuates with my state of mind, but 12 sessions of cbt had me feeling incredible in body and mind, this was around 1.5 years ago.
To the present day and I have lost my mojo again, this sounds crazy even writing this but here goes, my dog died 6 months ago after being not well, he was only 6 and he was everything to me/us literally and spent fourtunes trying to get him better to no avail, he was my outlet and a great compaion and we were joined at the hip pretty much, it has knocked me right back, binge eating, binge starving myself, drinking too much, bursting into tears, heart palpatations I have it all at the minute.
During up to this time I frantically chased and studied for a new job (oh I get obsessive too) which finally I got the job I always wanted, now I only work 12 days a month with more money than I can hope for, this along with any routine I had is gone and I feel i have no reference point and I am still making exscuses and pushing friends away, I am at my lowest ebb it feels.
I am currently in the process of going back to cbt and also now I have been put on propranolol reluctently so i can perform and function in my new job and generally in life (worked wonders for me so far) the thing is the heart and physical symptoms are new to me and scare me so so much, I have been at a&e numerous times in a fit of panic. :scared15:
Anyway thats the best I can do just now guys, there are bits more to it and bits I have no doubt missed out, but hoping cbt can set me right again :wacko:
Thanks for reading this ramble, sorry for any typos. :doh: