Sar89
23-11-14, 01:29
I have been reading through all the threads I have written on here (55) and they make quite depressing reading actually especially reading the replies all the lovely people of no more panic have given me ... Iv realised I'm very self obsessed... The worst thing is I now know it but still feel obsessed with myself !! My life for years has been absolute misery! After reading nearly 2 years of posts Iv seen how unhappy I really am.. I'm living from one fear to the next with what seems like very few bright days in between.... I know I'm doing it to myself so why can't I banish these fears ? What is it about my mind that keeps me lashing out at myself? It's like a form of mental self harm. My life and mental health is in absolute tatters I don't know how much longer I can cope. These past 3 months have been really crappy for me and it's getting worse and worse. I'm so jittery and in edge. The black hole is swallowing me up again. Iv felt so physically unwell for a good while now and my mental state has gone into a frenzy. I feel like I'm on some sick merry go round that I can't get off. It's ironic because the only way I can see it ending is the thing I most fear ... Death. I'm not ready to see God Iv lived a bad life and don't want to go to Hell. Iv been abit of a crappy mum too.. I always forget stuff for school like non uniform day or to bring stuff in that they ask for! It's not good is it ? I don't bother enough with my dad even though he's been there for me thru everything. There just a few things ... Generally I'm abit of a crappy person and a selfish one too. Wish I could go over something's in my life maybe my life would be different. Perhaps I am reaping what I have sown for years. Just would do nearly anything to feel peace in my head and feel happiness and calm. I'm so up and down I don't know wether I'm coming or going. What do I do ?