My own worst enemy

[Sar89]

I have been reading through all the threads I have written on here (55) and they make quite depressing reading actually especially reading the replies all the lovely people of no more panic have given me ... Iv realised I'm very self obsessed... The worst thing is I now know it but still feel obsessed with myself !! My life for years has been absolute misery! After reading nearly 2 years of posts Iv seen how unhappy I really am.. I'm living from one fear to the next with what seems like very few bright days in between.... I know I'm doing it to myself so why can't I banish these fears ? What is it about my mind that keeps me lashing out at myself? It's like a form of mental self harm. My life and mental health is in absolute tatters I don't know how much longer I can cope. These past 3 months have been really crappy for me and it's getting worse and worse. I'm so jittery and in edge. The black hole is swallowing me up again. Iv felt so physically unwell for a good while now and my mental state has gone into a frenzy. I feel like I'm on some sick merry go round that I can't get off. It's ironic because the only way I can see it ending is the thing I most fear ... Death. I'm not ready to see God Iv lived a bad life and don't want to go to Hell. Iv been abit of a crappy mum too.. I always forget stuff for school like non uniform day or to bring stuff in that they ask for! It's not good is it ? I don't bother enough with my dad even though he's been there for me thru everything. There just a few things ... Generally I'm abit of a crappy person and a selfish one too. Wish I could go over something's in my life maybe my life would be different. Perhaps I am reaping what I have sown for years. Just would do nearly anything to feel peace in my head and feel happiness and calm. I'm so up and down I don't know wether I'm coming or going. What do I do ?

[anthrokid]

Hi Sarah,

Sounds like you've been thinking an awful lot lately and really want to move forward and live a happier and calmer life without anxiety and depression. If I may ask, have you seen a counsellor/psychologist before or are you currently seeing one? Therapeutic interventions such as CBT and other counselling techniques can be really beneficial in managing depression and anxiety, and can really help to turn around your thought processes :)

[cpe1978]

Do you know what though Sarah. The first point of making good changes is recognising that there is a problem. Once you acknowledge the presence of the problem you can start to unpick it and work on it. You'll get there but don't be too harsh on yourself - it is easy to be self critical and ignore all the good things.

[Sar89]

Hello sorry for late reply back. Thanks for replies really appreciate them... I have had a few rounds of cbt I question it's effectiveness for myself personally. I was in sertraline then came off it over 3 months ago. I'm thinking I should take them again? Cpe1978 I have recognised a problem for yrs u just seem trapped in a rut. I know in some ways I'm very very lucky. Just hard to focus on that. I think I have a very negative mindset xx