Dealing with anger

[lior]

Today we have a house party on. I made an effort and did drawings of cocktails for the walls, dressed up nicely, bought gin and made sugar syrup and invited friends.

Someone lit a cigarette in the living room and I asked them politely to go outside because I have asthma, 'sorry to be a killjoy but I'd be coughing for days'. I left and when I came back a few people were smoking, despite having heard me loud and clear. They knew I'm asthmatic and I live here. My own housemate told them they could smoke here.

I got angry. I don't get angry much. I didn't shout. I brought out a picture on my laptop of asthmatic lungs so they could see the difference, and told them very clearly the effect that smoke has on my ability to breathe.

My housemate didn't want to listen and pushed past me, not engaging.

Now I know what a self centred, thoughtless, unkind person he is. The amount that they've smoked, I might be coughing for weeks. He KNEW I would suffer and yet he told people they should smoke indoors.

Now I don't feel safe to live here any more. I feel like I need to move out. He doesn't care one ounce for my health. I am considerate of everyone I live with - we share a space. I can't live with someone like him, who actively asks others to do something which he knows is bad for a housemate. Maybe I should ask him to move out rather than me.

I'm drunk and angry. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. But right now I feel the injustice massively, and I hate it how unkind someone that inhibits the same space as me is. He's shown his true cruel colours now.

Another guest, who heard me clearly, was smoking when I came in the second time, and admitted to knowing about me coughing as a result, yet smoking in spite of that. When I showed him the picture of lungs, he said he wouldn't smoke around asthmatics again in a very polite public schoolboy way, and I felt that he acted sincere to my face but would be very insincere behind my back. Two faced polite charming unkind self centred (incidentally) misogynistic man.

I don't know what I'm going to do in the morning. I don't know how my housemates are going to talk to me about what happened - how they will react. For now I am proud of myself for standing up for myself - standing up for my right to clean air in my own home. I am concerned that I might have destroyed my relationships with my housemates but I'm not sure I could continue living here if they treat me like that anyway. It is them who have ruined their relationships with me actually - I have only reacted to their unkindness rather than letting it slide and being walked over.

SO ANGRY, I'm so awake I can't sleep.

---------- Post added at 02:54 ---------- Previous post was at 02:52 ----------

Also I really want to self harm, and I am trying to figure out a way to stop myself from doing that without walking to the hospital in the rain in my pyjamas. Can anyone help?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Lior,

Do something that takes your focus, something to distract you from these thoughts for now and it will help you to get beyond the current feelings so you can review this later.

They were acting irresponsibly, lacking in respect for others and it sounds like a conversation is needed about smoking around you or inside so that in future they go outside. They should be respecting others regardless of whether you have asthma or not and asking if people mind. Was there by any chance some alcohol already in the hence them acting a bit immature and disrespectful?

I don't think its the right time to think about the future with your housemates, wait until you have got your balance back because these current thoughts are "What ifs" and catastrophizing thoughts and these can often be distortions of reality which are hard to see beyond when the anxiety is high.

[hanshan]

Unfortunately, many (maybe most) people see party time as a time to push the rules a bit, maybe a lot. So smoking inside with people around means extra freedom for some people. After one or two drinks, they won't be thinking about the effects on your asthma, even if you show them photos of asthmatic lungs.

Now that you know what party behaviour will be like, I would refuse to have future parties in your house. But it doesn't mean cutting off communication with those involved. Talk to them, and in time they will understand your point of view.

[graham58]

Unfortunately, many (maybe most) people see party time as a time to push the rules a bit, maybe a lot. So smoking inside with people around means extra freedom for some people. After one or two drinks, they won't be thinking about the effects on your asthma, even if you show them photos of asthmatic lungs.

I think this is true.


Now that you know what party behaviour will be like, I would refuse to have future parties in your house. But it doesn't mean cutting off communication with those involved. Talk to them, and in time they will understand your point of view.

Agreed, the only question I'd ask is; whose house is it? Does she have the right to refuse if the others still want to have parties? If not, in extremis she may have to look around for a non-smoking household (and there are plenty of those).

These days, there's a lot more sympathy than there used to be for those who can't (especially for medical reasons, as here) or don't want to tolerate smokers.

[lior]

Thanks for your responses. I'm the one that wants to have parties in the first place! I encourage the drinking and dancing and making new friends. It's fun - as long as people don't start to infringe on other people's fun.

You're right, I did catastrophize the situation, and I knew I was doing it. I didn't feel safe around that guy. The extra layer to this situation is that none of my housemates know that I am seriously depressed and anxious, and I know that a couple of them, this particular disrespectful housemate included, have an old fashioned attitude towards mental health. I don't feel safe to talk to them about it so I have been hiding things from them, even when the police came to the house to check that I hadn't killed myself one time. I don't feel safe around them partly because I don't think they would react pleasantly if they knew about my mental health problems.

We have never smoked in the house - that one housemate always smokes outside. We are pretty much a non-smoking household. If I lived with other non-smokers, even when we have a party smokers might come. I don't think moving to be with non-smokers is the solution. More like - live with considerate people.

I apologised to one of my housemates - the other old fashioned one - as a political move to get him onside. He said he didn't know that smoking in the house was a big deal so that's why he let people smoke indoors, and said that this our second house party was a different set of people, so that's why it was the first time. He made excuses for his friends but I did not accept that being drunk was a reason to unkindly disregard my earlier specific request. He said that he would talk to my other (old fashioned) housemate to ensure he knew that it was wrong.

I feel that he and his friends are disingenuous people and I do not trust them.

[Magic]

I don't have any smoker's that visit our house. So I would not have to tell someone to go outside. As I would ask them anyway if they did smoke.
Now I do smoke myself. I could smoke inside the house if I wanted to- but the smell
lingers. Because I go outside to smoke in the rain and wind etc. It stops me from smoking to much.
Asthma is a awful thing to have, so I understand you wanting a smoke free house lior x