View Full Version : Never felt this bad please can anyone help...??
Im afraid im going to be in hospital for christmas ive become so ill,
The last couple of days ive become even worse, i now feel like im going crazy 24/7, not think i might but physically feel the feelings are so intense, i become more detatched from myself and my family. I mentally feel lost and like i have no connection to life no more. It dosnt help that my memory and awarness and clarity are terrible so i dont even get satisfaction out of anything no more, when i look at my children i dont take it in i dont feel nothing.
I feel like im no longer part of my family i feel like im no longer party of anything. Im really struggling 24/7 now, frustration is high because u know its happening to me and i cant get out if it i feel powerless, anger is creeping in i lost it last night and went crazy for a minute, im scared I'm slowley losing my mind its that bad, ive never been one to cry, moan or sulk but i feel so bad so ill im debating taking myself to hospital away from my family.
Im trying my best to get through each day but each day is a mental and emotional battle! Im fighting through each day i have for 12 months solid and im drained.
Sunday was so bad i just stared and stared and could not lift my head, mood or thoughts i was so bad i started to panic,i couldnt think outwards i cant do it. I mentally feel trapped n lost. my wife took me out and i cried out of frustration next thing it lifted and for about 2 hours i felt amazing, i could think & feel normal i even felt the feeling of excitment for christmas! Later on it just went.
Whats happening to me!!!!?
I feel lost, no motion in my life, no ideas, no attatchment, no love, no outwards thinking power, i have to try to think normal instead of my brain just being open and free and doing it. Feel like im going crazy really bad its making me feel like freaking out and shouting for help.
What can i do please someone help me.
---------- Post added at 08:30 ---------- Previous post was at 08:23 ----------
I scared my children i scared my wife they were all in tears but yet i felt nothing or any regret i just felt alive like my body wont relax and feel anything,
My body and brain wont relax my brain wont shut up or switch off.
I feel tense 24/7 even when i go sleep i keep talking in my head! I wake up like my brains been awake all night.
I just want my old self and life back.
I need me back asap before i lose everything.
Oh ollie,feel so,so,so sorry for u,please go and see a doctor Asaph,I've not got depression but bad anxiety with feelings of fear tha come and go,I feel I'm going mad but trying to hold it together for sake of my husband and boys,have a good read at things on here,it will help,just knowing u r not alone helps a bit,take care x
Ollie, you are not going crazy, you are ill and it takes time to recover. I was in the same place as you a couple of years ago and I agree it is the most horrible feeling but you will get better. Accept that it is anxiety and know that you need the time to get well.
What help are yo getting at the moment? Are you on any medication and/or therapy?
I went to see my dr last week for help with my sleep he wouldnt proscibe anything because im having tests for not breathing in my sleep proper. Apnia is it called? I seen a psychatrist a month or so back he prascribed me trazadone to help with sleep but they dont do anything, i started on 100mg, ive tried 300mg but now currently taking 200mg per night.
I just want something thats going to help me & my mind get a good nights rest it might help, i told him i dont want to take 200mg of a anti depressant just to help get me sleep ild rather just have sleeping tablets, the trazadone - There not helping at all. Im that bad i cant make sense out of life im everywhere in my head.
Ive been told its dissociation disorder after a stressfull event i went through but its so bad now im desperate for help.
Im trying my best to live a normal life its impossible, im struggling to live any life at all -
I panic because i cant get away from it its my mind & body,
I feel like im trapped away from everyone i love and need, im scared il never hold my wife and kids again feeling normal, or my kids will grow up without me in there lives.
I keep telling myself im not crazy i will get better one day but what im exoeriencing is so intense i cant find a way out i cant think clear i cant get straight im having rushing thoughts, really bad intrusive thoughts and really bad feelings of intense crazyness, its so bad i just want to hide away,
My mind feels like its pulling me away from eveyone one and thing and im fighting to be normal.
How long did it take you to get to a stage where you felt happy again? What sort of things did you do to help recover?
I was off work for 6 months it made me worse, i come back to work about 4 months ago im judt about making it through each day the best i can, im really struggling but i need to keep my family going financially i cant see them struggle.
If i stay at home i get lost in my mind and time i lose my sense of me its horrible!! I dread weekends and i dread being on my own.
I have to keep busy but at the same time im not getting no where,
These feelings lift slightly every now and then il feel better not amazing but better its like something has clicked in my brain and i feel ok then it goes,
Im in and out of something something i feel i have no control over when its bad its really bad, i just want out of this hell now.
Thanks for your help! x
---------- Post added at 12:33 ---------- Previous post was at 12:12 ----------
Most of the time im not aware of my presence, i dont know what i doing or feel
what it is im ment to be doing, i just have to
Walk around without a idea,
Im finding my mind wont let me think outwards, i cant get any ideas or thoughts being produced outwards so lets say you wonder off in your own mind about what your children might be doing at school, wife/husband at work i cant do that. If i want to yhink about them i have to close my eyes relax a sec and then try, they or anything dosnt come to my mind either so i can go all day without the thought entrering my mind so its as if they dont exist. If they do by chance i have to act on it otherwise within seconds that awareness has gone,
If someone enters your mind you might think oh il ring them and thstvawaresss is there to ring them so you act upon it, its that awareness i missing nearly 24/7 but i know how i should be feeling and thinking i just cant!!! Then im dealing with all the other horrible crap too!
But like i said it will lift slightly that awareness comes back a little but then it all goes and im lef struggling,
Its feels like a part of my brain isnt working, can anyone relate to this?
I have to try to think outwards because it dosnt happen, when i try i cant it hurts! If my wife rings me if i try to have a normal outwards conversation with her i struggle! My mind and body tense up as if im locked inwards.
Its horrible, i feel suffacated
---------- Post added at 13:00 ---------- Previous post was at 12:33 ----------
This has happend alot to me....
Before this hit hard i was experiencing this for 15 minutes a day then it went but now it stops and seems to be the start of the cycle im going through...
Text to my wife .....
Felt ok about 75% normal last hour. Spoke to you left my job, driving back office and bang felt like someone has pulled a plug out - all my energy slowly drained out of me my eyes went blurry, my head and chest went tense and my legs numb, im hardly breathing too. Im not taking much in then il take dee breathes to catch up. This was what was happening them times in work when i was just suddly shutting down and could t do anything. Feel strange now n cant really breath,
Whats happening!? Is this anxiety?
I have no control over it happening, why in it or it going, it gets worse! Now im stuck to try figuer my way through the day with hardly no brain power. Feelings, awareness or memorie but i know irs happening to me!
8-(
Its frustrating!!!!
I can relate to what you are saying and like I said that was me over a year ago...How did I get better? By accepting the anxiety and not letting it take control of me. You have to do it in slow tiny steps. Exercise is really good for you...now I know that will be the last thing on your mind because it takes so much effort just to get out of bed. I started with a little walk out in the fresh air every day as fresh air is also very good for you. I was on medication (still am) I had CBT which helped a lot and intense psychotherapy. Ask your doctor if he can refer you for therapy as this will be a great help.
Don't feel guilty! It is easy for us to put guilt on ourselves for the burden we feel we are to our families. No need to feel it...it is an illness and you never asked to be ill. keep busy with a hobby. I started doing some craft work and that has helped me a lot.
Every time a negative thought pops into your head, change it to a positive one.
Look at this website and choose some of the work books to work through I can relate to what you are saying and like I said that was me over a year ago...How did I get better? By accepting the anxiety and not letting it take control of me. You have to do it in slow tiny steps. Exercise is really good for you...now I know that will be the last thing on your mind because it takes so much effort just to get out of bed. I started with a little walk out in the fresh air every day as fresh air is also very good for you. I was on medication (still am) I had CBT which helped a lot and intense psychotherapy. Ask your doctor if he can refer you for therapy as this will be a great help.
Don't feel guilty! It is easy for us to put guilt on ourselves for the burden we feel we are to our families. No need to feel it...it is an illness and you never asked to be ill. keep busy with a hobby. I started doing some craft work and that has helped me a lot.
Every time a negative thought pops into your head, change it to a positive one.
Look at these web sites and choose some of the work books to work through http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
Also have a look at CBT4Panic which is free for NMP members http://ct-online-info.com
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment, Ollie. Trust me and others when we say YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY. This is anxiety at its worst, and it is a massive con artist as it fools us into thinking we are going to go insane...you won't, I promise you.
When anxiety reaches a peak, our minds go into protection mode. This is the spaced out and detached feeling that we have.....that feeling that we are losing touch with reality, but we are not. It is just that our brains are so overwhelmed by anxiety that it removes us from those sensations and feelings.
The first thing you MUST take heart in, is that you are very much still in the present, and very much still in touch with reality, because you are here, on the forum, telling us all how you are feeling, and knowing that these thoughts and sensations are not normal and frightening. An insane person DOES NOT KNOW that they are unwell or recognize these things as strange or abnormal.
The other thing which is classic to high anxiety is feeling panicked, overwhelmed and the inability to think straight or make a decision, feeling guilty...feeling trapped and helpless. All of these things you feel right now are anxiety....trust that. Everything you have typed is like a record of my own experience with anxiety, word for word. All the things you describe, I have had too, and I would bet that most other members here with GAD have had the same.
Please know this - it is ENTIRELY possible to rid yourself of these horrendous feelings and symptoms, be it through medication, therapy or just plain TIME, preferably all three. I have been where you are now, and you can recover.
Please seek further advice from your doctor. I am not convinced that you are on the most suitable med for you. I take Cipralex (Escitalopram) an SSRI med which purely increases the serotonin in the brain, and has helped me HUGELY with my GAD and panic attacks. I started with depression, but this developed into severe anxiety, and that is more my issue now. I felt all the same things as you Ollie, and I can strongly recommend these meds. Many GAD sufferers have to try more than one med to find a resolution and the help they need.
I strongly agree with Annie. Do not allow the anxiety to gain power and convince you that you cannot get rid of it. You can! Positive thinking is key....so is distraction, and -as much as you - maintaining a sense of normality in terms of occupational stuff, keeping busy, going for a walk, playing games on the PC, watching a DVD, anything that takes the focus from the anxiety.
Don't give up or lose hope. You can feel better and gain yourself back again.:hugs:
natalie5555
25-11-14, 15:33
i have the exact same thing I've had dr/dp for years and im only 24. I worry about my health and have panic disorder too. I feel numb to things all the time and depressed etc. There are some books for derealisation on amazon that u can buy which tell u how to help yourself i bought 1 recently. Hang in there ive had a bad day today, you are not alone! You get some weird intense feelings that u cant even explain with dr and panic! Distraction is the best thing u can do with dr and healthy diet too
Ollie sorry to hear you are having such a bad time with your mental health,i can relate to what you are saying,the exact thing hapend to me 18 months ago in all the detail you have described,to the letter,it just crept up on me then bang,everything you have said,i went through,i didnt have any support in my life ,you need to goto your doctor for help and sit down with your wife and kids if there old enough,and tell them you are not well and do not meen to behave the way you are towards them,tell your wife how you are feeling and reasure her you do love her and your kids and need help and with her support,it just may help you,get to the doctors and see what he can offer to help,pm me anytime mate if you want to chat,iv been there in your shoes,
Greg
Greg as I was reading Ollie's post I was thinking about you and how similar it is. Hugs to you both :hugs::hugs:
Let me start off by saying a thank you to you all,
....Thank you!!!
Nampop - im exactly the same, im trying to not take notice of anything im going through & despite the intense crazy feelings and thoughts i put myself through each day the best in allowed, i dont want to lose my family, career ect, its just so intense these feelings im having. Litrally my train of thought is everywhere - one minute im leaving my family home i need to battle it on my own its not on them, it my problem im not bringing them down with me (thats the proud side of me 2 minutes later im panicking really bad i dont want to be alone, then 2 minutes later im calm & i think ive worked it all out then next thing il figuer out im thinking in a certain way then whoa!!! Il feel an intense crazy feeling that scares me plus im feeling how i do, i dont know how to get away from it in trying to face it i mean i have to i cant just walk away from it it because it is me that too scares me!! How do i escape what skills or technques if any? Im getting the feeling its out of my control im having to just go through what ever my mind and body put me through im not in charge.
Hi annie.
My medication is only trazadone but that was more to help knock me out or turn my mind off at night, other than that im not taking anything.
Ive not been given no help tbh, my wife has been my shoulder to lean on but im putting huge stress on her with my symptoms and frustration. Im
Destryoing her life but she tells me everday she loves me and wont leave me to struggle,
Im suposed to be starting some therapy soon (3rd therapist) other 2 didnt have a clue. This next one was only by luck too hes ment to be experienced in dissociation.
I tried cbt but was so bad i could barley take a word in she was telling me so she said i needed a higher level of therapy, the higher level was worst than cbt! She said i need to see a neurologist! So was let go by her! Im still waiting to see a neurologist, i was in pain alot too but these have since died away. So basically im no where! Hoping this other therapist can help.
I find im having to tell myself to say things, look at things, its like im not me im not here im lost. Like im stuck in my head 24/7 stuck like this.
If i sit still and just be how my brain wants me to il disapear so im telling myself do this look there say this, so im constantly stuck in my own mind like im hypo aware of myself and my actions im, this is how i get stuck when that cycle starts i had earler so for the next how many days il be stuck like this then it will ease away il feel normalish for 10 minutes then i feel it coming and il end up back like i am.
I know its anxiety related i just dont know what to physically or mentally do to stop it happening.
I think alot of it is psycological, my childhood was horrible, my wife & kids are my life they were taken from me through no fault of my own i was made ro
Leave the family home i panicked everyday and went though some horrible things some deep horrible thinking basically my wirst nightmare was happening and to me it feels im still stuck or my mind is still stuck in that trauma. Its strange.
Exercise dose help though your right, football helped me. Ive always been active, ive played semi pro & local football all my life but this has stopped me. I now play on a monday 5 a side and the first time i played the next day i felt great i could think clear and felt more me.
Hi debs.
Thanks for your kind words and re assurance, i keep telling myself that i wouldnt be aware if i was crazy, only thing thats actually stopping me from going the hospital despite how bad i do feel.
I try to keep occupied but i just cant escape this feeling or my own head like im so so so aware of myself & thoughts im on manual everything goes through me conciously before its done or thought of so like im double thinking,
I need to see the dr about new medication too with the anxiety, i had a very bad reaction to setraline so bad i was screaming on my hands and knees it felt like i was losing my mind physically!!! Like my brain was being fried, possibly why im so bad now but cant prove it,
If it was dp i could cope with feeling strange its more than feeling dream like i feel so much more worse 24/7, i dont even get rest when im asleep.
Il look in to picking up some books though. I read paul davids at last a life is it called, i couldnt take in anything but what i did take in i coudnt relate too,
I know im not able to think straight but when i get them few moments i know its anxiety /psycological related i just dont know how to get out or away from it.
Thanks again to you all xxxxx
---------- Post added at 20:22 ---------- Previous post was at 19:58 ----------
...physically my mind and body feel tense and alive or mega aware 24/7 they wont relax or shut off, my whole perception is tense, it feels like my body needs to drop relax and my mind relax and then il drop back in to the right side of my thoughts or back on automatic, normal. Instead im all tense my minds all tense and im on manual.
If that make sense??
How do people work feeling so bad? Im struggling so bad im thinking of leaving after christmas but i know it wont help but im struggling the way i am so might not have a choice.
Work was causing me more anxiety so I left so that I could give myself more time to get better. It isn't always an option for some people though. My husband was due to retire but has kept on working so that I could leave.
You are so right, Annie.
I don't know how anyone copes with high anxiety and having to keep working. As I mentioned, I was in a way better situation responsibility wise. I was living with my parents at the time (and still am, as I was trying to save for a deposit) I had no outlays except my credit card and buying my own food and necessaries, so i had no real ties like a mortgage, direct debits, a partner or children, etc. but even so it was still a hard decision, as I walked away from my entire career. I'm not qualified to do anything else, so even though I knew I would be mentally better off leaving, I also knew it would bring other problems, like no regular income anymore and no direction.
I think I just weighed up what was the lesser of two evils, and I just couldn't take the mental stress anymore.
MyNameIsTerry
26-11-14, 07:55
You are so right, Annie.
I don't know how anyone copes with high anxiety and having to keep working. As I mentioned, I was in a way better situation responsibility wise. I was living with my parents at the time (and still am, as I was trying to save for a deposit) I had no outlays except my credit card and buying my own food and necessaries, so i had no real ties like a mortgage, direct debits, a partner or children, etc. but even so it was still a hard decision, as I walked away from my entire career. I'm not qualified to do anything else, so even though I knew I would be mentally better off leaving, I also knew it would bring other problems, like no regular income anymore and no direction.
I think I just weighed up what was the lesser of two evils, and I just couldn't take the mental stress anymore.
Same here Debs, I was saying a good proportion of a deposit so decided (with their agreement! :D) to stay home longer, then all this happened so I am now eroding my deposit living off it. I put most of my twenties into my career but it was either be ill forever or leave and try to recover.
Im lucky enough to not have to work at moment but dont know how i would have gone to work if i had to,it takes over the whole body,i feel a bit odd in morning then it goes then comes back and is with me all day,i think you should try some more tablets ollie just to get you over this stage in your life,mine worked first time round but doc took me off them second time as i was sweating and shaking but really should have kept me on as it was just side effects kicking in,im in limbo now As i feel worse than when i first went to docs, how are you today? X
Sorry greg ive only just seen your post mate. Im trying this morning to see a dr to see if he can give me anything to help, what did you take if you dont mind me asking? I need some relieve from this now - christmas is coming of course i want to be able to enjoy the day with my wife and kids rather than trying to and feeling like im nothing.
you can recover and regain your career Ollie but it will take time and patience.Go and get the help you need then think about work ect,you need to come 1st for a while so you can be there for your family.You are reaching out for help which is the first sign of recovery
I feel strange today a bit ok and a bit not with it, ive a really stressfull day on today in work, ive been been sat in traffic for over a hour so im trying not to start panicking trying to remain calm. I left my wife and children at home my little girl is poorly today, but because i feel like i am i feel like i cant help or even feel the awareness of her, i know shes poorly i havent forgot but its as if im not allowed to feel it, its horrible it makes me panic and start getting upset i try not to think about it. Im just going to work despite how i feel or what im
Experiencing and trying my best to get through the day. Bevause this is how im stuck il get to work all my concebtration is then trying my best to do my job as normal as i can but then il go inwards lose all my awareness and forget everyone and everything exists even my wife and kids, i know they exist if someone was to ask me about my life i couldnt tell them anything but if not my mind wont process the feeling or thoughts.
In waiting for a call back from my dr im going to try to get some new medication to try.
Ild give anything to feel like i use to! If only one day.
Thats good you can chat or see doc,remember tablets wont start working for 3 weeks so hang in there,you will start to feel better for xmas if u get some this week,thinking of u x
Now im in work and the anxiety has hit its highest ive dp'd i feel strange but really forward thinking like i dont care or cant stop or worry! It freaks me out im trying not to think about it.
I actually feel better in this state than before hand athough i cant live like this because i cant care or feel for anything or anyone it wont allow me too.
Same here Debs, I was saying a good proportion of a deposit so decided (with their agreement! :D) to stay home longer, then all this happened so I am now eroding my deposit living off it. I put most of my twenties into my career but it was either be ill forever or leave and try to recover.
Yep, it really sucks, Terry.
I just couldn't keep working continuously under pressure and seeing my GAD and depression worsening. It became more important to get well than the money, but I have no money now really, bar what I can scrape together working for myself, so my work pressure has sort of been replaced by money worries, but nowhere near as severe as nursing was for me.
OLLIE - I do strongly feel that you should really discuss exactly how bad you feel with your GP, a you don't have to suffer the way you are right now. I think that the best med for you has yet to be found, and again, i cannot recommend enough Cipralex, as your symptoms are identical to how mine were. x
What a horrible day!!!!!
After i arrived at my customers house & started my work i was so bad i didnt know what i was ment to be doing i couldnt take anything in at all so the house i was working in i couldnt kind of feel it or take in anything i was looking at, then the crazy feelings started i started to panic i was getting lost in my head i was everywhere but tried to focus on my work. They lasted all afternoon, iv feel like complete crap, at one stage i was crying in the customeres house to myself the thoughts and feelings are that bad, all i could think was im not going home tonight i cant take no more feeling like this - lost, confussed, crazy, vant think or focus and cant take nothing in! Ive just fitted a £3000 fire and fireplace and hardly remember any of it, feel aware of it, taken any spacific details in! 24/7 12 months im beginning to turn crazy its driving me insane!! Pain has stared my head feels locked up and heavy and my ears feel blocked up and numb!
Im hardly breathing either, very shallow breathes.
Funny i didnt really want to but i told my appentice the other day what im going though he promised not to tell the boss as he believes im 100% fine,
I told him about the deep breathing thing i keep finding myself do as im not aware of myself every now and then il catch myself short of breath and il take in a big one then blow out to relieve myself, but since telling him he has told me i do it alot so much so he said its "messed up" but im not aware im doing it this many times only the once or twice i suddenly catch myself doing it,
I find that strage, i find it crazy that im obviuosly not taking in enough oxygen then im having all these symptoms too, its as if the worst i get the more i shut down.
Anyways im at home now im going to try enjoy the evening with my littke boy & girl hopefully i can relax and forget about another horrible horrible hell of a day.
Dr tomorrow il ask about that medication debs, thanks alot everyone xxx
I know you had a pig of a day, Ollie....but do take some heart in that you stuck at it, despite feeling horrendous.
Now to tackle it and beat that anxiety down! Let us know how you get on at the doctor, and good luck. :)
Like Debs said you got through the day so that is something to be proud of even if you did feel dreadful.
I hope you can manage to relax this evening.
When things are this bad Ollie all you have to do is keep going,I promise things can and will get better with time
Things can only get better ollie,good look at docs,let us know how it goes x
...what a horrible day & experience ive had today!....
I left the house as normal for work feeling like i usually do - total lack of clarity, confussed, pain, not quite sure whats going on, struggling to get ready, blar blar blar
Sat in traffic for a good hour feeling poo trying my best to not to think about myself and how i feel, i felt terrible - i rang my wife to try help, got 15 minutes from work and "click"
I felt alive again, i could feel the feeling of christmas, i could enjoy the music on the radio, i felt "me"!!!!! No pain no confussion no problem with clarity and feeling sware and thinking i felt like i have my previous 29.5 years!!
Then i got scared!!....
I arrived in to the office i still felt ok but could feel my clarity had dropped - spoke to my boss trying my best to take in what he was telling me but couldnt, he told "apparently" told me the work for the day i wasnt aware he had but he had!
Then i walked back out to my van, this is where i lost it - i didnt know where i was! What i was doing who i was, i got in my van without realising and didnt know what i was in, i actuslly vaguely remember getting out and looking around my van because i was so confussed i must of thougt it was someone elses van, it was horrible, its hard to explain but it was horrible!! I didnt know what to do i knew it was happening but not at the same time!
I just drove off and pulled over to ring my wife i couldnt hardley breath or think like my body had been shocked,
I felt strange from then all day getting worse as the day went on, confussed struggling to think normal ect, pain, lost, just totally unwell!
How does my brain switch on and liteally within minutes do that! Whats up with mu brain?!!!
Ive been i. Agony all day, feels like my brain is burning, has a tight band around my head and my brains been electricly fried!! My eyes feel aching and on fire. Pain in the left side of my kneck, my mind feels so awake and aware it wont relax.
The pain is killing me.
Is it normal to have such bad pains, with anxiety? Im guessing mines a high level anxiety.
I hate moaning but its really bad,
Is there any way you can take some time of work so that you can rest for a few weeks? Yes it does sound like high anxiety and it sounds like your body needs some time out without the stress off work.
Hi annie,
I finish for christmas on the 19th i have 2 weeks off but i get worse when im off, i have no sense of time i dont feel time so as soon as i stop doing anything i get lost litrally. Its horrible,
My mind and body go inwards i feel like im being pulled inwards by my own mind....maybe its just telling me to STOP! Ive had enough,
My body and mind dont feel open outwards and feel aware like i use to i feel locked up, not detatched in feeling dream like but detatched as in i cant think outwards - i have to tell myself to try to think outwards its that bad, otherwise my mind wont create outwards thoughts about genral thinks, i have to try my hardest to tell myself to think about my children but i mentally cant it physically hurts and i can only do it for no more than 5 seconds.
Sit and think inwards to myself no problem, i can litrally think myself to death with the front part of my head but it mentally feels like my brain is half dead.
If i do drift off by chance about something otherthan me and my illness its weak, i can barely remeber the thought.
Im really worried.
It is a high state of anxiety and you need to get plenty of rest. Did you get back to the doctors?
Its so bad i cant think rationally 24/7, im mentally struggling to get through the days.
Im finding The physically harder i work myself or try to focus and concentrate on what im doing the stronger & worst i become, its so bad i come totally unware of myself and my surroundings completely so bad my mind and focus go inwards and cant find myself, this lasts about 20 - 30 seconds then i snap out of it not aware of what ive been doing or saying or i could of been doing i feel so wrong and ill too, i find im out of breath too like im holding my breath why im going inwards and when i snap out back to reality i still feel everywhere but i have take deep breathes to bring myself round,
Again im like this almost 24/7 12 months solid. God only knows how ive been getting through each day! I feel like im resting a broken mind at home when i should of been in hospital or had some help. Im only 30 im still the person i was before all this im still eager to do well for myself and family but with no real help or support im worried il break before get better. If i ever do,
I no longer can enjoy anything in life the way i feel and how i am is stopping that, i feel ive lost contact with my wife and kids as if i no longer know who they are or that they belong to me. I no longer look forward to weekends because when i stop its as if my mind wont produce ideas it really feels like that so im left struggling to pick up the pieces, no ideas, thoughts, i forget, cant take anything in,
Things ive done all my life and enjoyed i no longer even get the thought to do - litrally my mind dosnt produce the thought and awareness that i could or can do such and such so i dont, simple things like taking the children out for tea, playing in the garden, playing playstation, going swimming, simple things ive done all my life - the idea dosnt come up, but im aware of this so if by chance i get a idea i have to write it down because once its gone i dont have that awaress i even had the idea and once its gone its gone. Its hell,
I cant even mentally think of ideas i can buy my children for christmas - i cant make up the brain power to sit and naturally think of ideas, i have tried sitting and looking but i just cant think outwards about it for that long, and when i do see something within 5 minutes its gone out my head like it hasnt gone in and stored or no feeling of awareness so i dont talk to my wife because ive nothing to process to talk about,
Because i feel mentally detatched i cant make decisions either good idea bad idea, i know right from wrong but it feels like i cant connect to a situation so i struggle to act upon it what to do,
I know its happening to me though, it feels like im fighting something mechanically wrong with my brain, i know how i should be thinking and how i should feel and how would usually act but i just dont but cant figuer it out why its frustrating. How can i remember something if im not taking it in, i feel trapped in my own body, space, mind, mental state feel like screaming for my mind to click open as it sometimes does a little like today to let me free!!!
Im losing hope, im mentally everywhere in my head, i cant keep a straight train of thought, i get confussed easy and lost, forgetful within seconds so bad its as if it dosnt or hasnt even existed, im aware this is all happening im not hearing voices or anything like that but uts really servere. But when i feel ok normal a little i laugh at myself and say il be ok im still here but then a hour later il be struggling to function again.
I had to go to work early today so had to cancel my appointment im going to try to get in tomorrow.
I had it out with my drs today - ive been waiting 16 weeks now for my dr to send details to walton neurology for the pains im havin through my head kneck and body (nerves) they asked for me to see one, they said they needd more info. So my dr was ment to send the froms back said he did but he never this is 8 weeks ago, i chased it up 2 weeks later they still had not had the infirmation they need, so i rang my dr he asked can i bring in the information on my symptoms ive been keeping a diary of, so i did he promised he would send it off straight away that was 2 weeks ago. After todays experience with that episode i had i rang the neurology and said i was chasing my appointment im getting worse - they told me they were still waiting more information from my dr!!!! He hasnt sent my details over! Im basically being neglected! I dont like kicking off but ive worked since the day i left school im 30 years of age with a young family and im being treated like a idiot or scum.
Honest to god i wouldnt let a animal go through what i am never mind a human, and to be left to suffer is shocking.
My problem is like the above i feel so bad alot of the time im not even aware most of it of what i need to do to sort it out - 8-(
I was very much the same as you a few years ago and you are saying you are having trouble concentrating, making decisions etc. I was just the same...I would open the freezer door and burst into tears because I couldn't think what to do with the food in it to get myself a meal! It is a horrendous feeling but it will get better. You really must take some time out though to let your body and mind rest. You are trying to push yourself to do too much.
I don't know what area you live in but I know in my area you can self refer for extra support from the mental health team.
I was very much the same as you a few years ago and you are saying you are having trouble concentrating, making decisions etc. I was just the same...I would open the freezer door and burst into tears because I couldn't think what to do with the food in it to get myself a meal! It is a horrendous feeling but it will get better. You really must take some time out though to let your body and mind rest. You are trying to push yourself to do too much.
I don't know what area you live in but I know in my area you can self refer for extra support from the mental health team.
I totally agree with you, Annie.
I think you need time out, Ollie. I do however know what you mean about things being worse when you have nothing to do. Thinking time - and not being busy - is an anxious person's worst enemy, in my opinion. My anxiety is so much worse when I just sit, as my mind works itself into a bigger state of anxiety, whereas being occupationally active and having something to do diverts the brain from feeling so awful, and having all of the weird thought and sensations.
But there is a happy medium, and from what you say Ollie, I think that your job is just piling on the pressure at the moment. You do need some breathing space, and to be able to really get solid help for your terrible anxiety.
Like Annie, I can relate to you. I have had what I would describe as two mental breakdowns in my lifetime, and each time was so frightening and like an out of body experience. I would just burst into tears while just sitting in a chair, watching tv. My thoughts and lack of clarity would terrify me.
I also still distinctly remember when I had first started meds, and my depression was a little better, and I was finally able to take a shower and wash my hair, etc. I coped with that, but as I sat in front of the mirror to dry my hair, I burst into tears as I simply could not recognise myself. It was the scariest feeling....like I was staring at a stranger in the mirror. I felt detached from myself. I have never been so frightened before, or since.
Please take heart if you can that you will not feel this way forever. There are things that can help you get through this, and a way back from this.:hugs:
You really do need to rest your body and mind ollie,get a sick note even just for a week,your body is telling you that you need to rest,please do it x
Thanks everyone, im thinking about taking next year off/out - im struggling to decide because im Struggling to think rational and with reason to myself.
The only thing im worried about it finances, with having my children to take care of.
Is there financial help out there? Im a really proud person but o guess sometimes we need a little help.
I just dont want to take time away and i get worse but then ive been in work six months and really dont feel no better.
I think im hypo vigilant too ive been told so i guess thats not helping me. Im not aware of how that would effect me or what exactly that is aby advice would be great,
Im basically left to strugglr myself alot of what i have learnt is from this sight and the web, no dr or therapist has actually sat down taken time to explain to me what im foing through or will experience to a certain extent,
Weekend is here though, im already worried as my wife is in work tomorrow i have the children so thats where i struggle and i start to lose focus and go inwards bad as im trying to do everything and the more i try to do more i try hard the worst my symtoms become.
Il do my best i always have & will
You should be able to claim contribution based ESA for a year https://www.gov.uk/employment-support-allowance/how-to-claim
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You will need sick notes and report from your doctor to back up your claim. I managed to get it :)
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