Hit Breaking Point

[Down_Lo]

Hi guys,

Been a few months I have been on (Apologies), felt like I was starting to deal alot better dealing with with the anxiety within my job.

Sorry in advance if this post ends up like a novel, will try and keep it short as possible.

Things have really started to pick up in terms of feedback from applications and after a few interviews and managed to get another job, this really picked me up thinking its a new start and new me (or back to the old me before my previous employment).

There was more prospects outlined as well as a better salary which allowed me to start trying to be more social again with friends and family and less worrying about my bills etc. Also was excited about the fresh start and away from the negativity and the unnecessary stress of my previous company.

I started my new job but its been a complete disaster, it wasn't what I expecting and seems the same if not worse, totally out my comfort zone as they have put me in a different department at the moment and cant see where its progressing to, its also not what I am supposed to be doing which is frustrating.

They are a small family business and find it really hard to have the courage to approach them to ask what the plan is moving forward as the owners are quite intimidating and I didn't want any confrontation or look as if im complaining or being awkward about the situation, as soon as I have to speak to anyone in charge I get really nervous and panicky always have been that way to a point.

It has really affected me as I feel I had built myself up thinking new start etc and been brought back down with a bang.

After only a few weeks I ended up at my doctors as I couldnt sleep at night and totally anxious/depressed with the situation. He could see I was unwell and advised I take time off and has registered me to a new NHS anxiety/depression on-line course (awaiting the course to start).

I've always struggled to explain to my doc and show my true feelings,when I started to explain the situation and how I'm feeling I just broke down in tears, even though I know there shouldn't be a stigma about mental health I still feel I'm under that stigma unfortunately and find it hard to talk and express my feelings I always try to put on a front to friends family etc. as I dont want them to worry.

I feel totally under pressure and lost now as I have only just started and handed in a line, I couldn't even face talking to them I was that nervous so sent them an email to say I wouldn't be in and sent my line in a few days later.

It's been just over a week now and still cant sleep and really anxious all the time and extremely down and worried about the future, especially letting my family down (still haven't told any of them) just been hiding in my flat worried about what's going to happen as I am on a standard 3 month probation period within my new workplace.

I'm also really worried about my pay as well with all my outgoings due next week and don't even know how the pay is going to work and if I am going to be able to pay my bills.
I'm really embarrassed and down about myself tbh with my new employer now knowing my condition as well as claiming money from them when I have not long started.

I managed to make it through my original job for nearly 4 years which caused most of my personal issues and got me to my knees at some points and with the new employment not working out it has all just gotten too much.

There is also a few family matters which I dont want to go on about or use as an excuse but hasn't really helped but to know fault of anyone just bad timing.

I had been on medication in my previous docs (propranalol) last year and it made me worse,made me feel sedated and made me more anxious as I felt it was really difficult to focus on my work and felt like I was going to pass out!
My new doc isn't keen to put me on medication as he thinks I'm too young and tbh I am wary to try it out again.

I've tried to stay strong the last 4 years and keep pushing and always been ambitious and know what I want in life. I actually enjoy what I'm doing and know that it is what I want to do its just my confidence and my anxiety that is causing the issues and just finding a decent workplace/environment that my last 2 employers haven't provided.

I'm at breaking point though I feel I have totally lost control and don't know which way to turn and how to progress. Its taken me since 6pm to write this I find it hard to put into words and the situation! :wacko:

Anyway thanks for reading guys and any information or advice would be really appreciated, especially if you have been through similar situations.

[Jayamashey]

Hi,

It sounds like your apprehensive thinking is getting the best of you. I have been there relating to work and still struggle with it from time to time.

First look at your job and see what it is that is really causing the anxiety. Is it that you don't see the future in the role or that you don't know what you are doing? If you can better understand what about it is making you feel that way then maybe you can try to overcome it or challenge yourself with it.

Secondly, don't catastrophize the entire situation. Look for the positives (more money, new learning opportunities, nice co-workers, etc). This may help you reframe the situation a little better.

I know this isn't a lot but hope it somewhat helps.

Jay

[Down_Lo]

Hi Jayamashey,

Thanks for your reply, as you can see I ramble and find it really hard to put into words what's going on in my head.

I have always been apprehensive and a worrier and stress about things work related but no more than the next person, it wasnt until I started my previous role and I soon quickly began to see cracks within the company and how negative the atmosphere was.

There was a total divide in the place caused by the opertaions director and he was very unprofessional towards our department and even with our client which we would have to then deal with.

I know I done a good job and would always meet deadlines etc and clients would sometimes give me positive feedback which helped.

I also got on great with my manager and my colleague in my department and we were all down and as much as we all got on as a team we were being driven down by the daily problems and negativity,over time I slowly started to see this affecting me in work confidence wise.

I was made redundant in my first job since leaving uni which I loved and I also had to take a wage cut starting in my previous employer. This meant that I then struggled to make ends meet which didnt bother me at the time as I was just glad that I had found a new job pretty much 1-2 weeks after being layed off which meant I could at least pay my bills.

The down side to this was that I started having to miss alot of things I used to do like attend the gym, holidays and socialising with friends and family, again I didn't and still dont feel sorry for myself as these could be seen as luxuries and I know that alot of people cannot maybe afford these things but it was what I was used to at the time.

I would have to miss alot of things like family/friends birthdays, weddings etc I was ok with it at first but began drinking heavy in the house at weekends as I felt relaxed and more positive being wasted basically, not the next day mind you!

I have become really anti-social and awkward, it has even gotten to the point that just even visiting friends or family has become a mental struggle, I can feel myself becoming more and more reclusive, as I mentioned before I felt okay at first and didn't mind but now it feels like all these issues have crept up on me and its the realisation of it all now I think has become too much!

The fresh start is what I was really needing but my confidence is that bad and the new start wasnt what I was expecting I now actually feel like I was back in my rubbish job trying to sort my issues and my overall health before taking the plunge into a new role! I know its stupid as in one sense I dont think I could sort my issues out being in my other job but at least I was used to the cr*p and I knew what to expect!

Sorry again for the EPIC reply just trying to put into words takes alot.....and as you can see I am not very good at it! :blush:

[Jayamashey]

Actually you have articulated it well. I have also been there hoping a job change would solve all my issues only to realize there were things that I needed to deal with internally. The problem with anxiety is that it changes your perceptions of situations/people/etc.

The good thing is that you have recognized that the anxiety is hurting in various area's of your life. What you can do is make a list of what all your main struggles and worries are. Then SLOWLY start to challenge them, one by one is best. This will help you build self confidence and hopefully allow you some new / regained freedoms.

If you haven't read any of Claire Weekes books then I recommend doing that ASAP. Better yet, get the audio version as she has a very empathic and calming voice.

[Down_Lo]

Thanks for the advice jayamashey I will try it out, need to start reading that book again I have taking notes down.

Still awaiting the leaflets and information for registering for the NHS course from my doctor as well.

Finding it hard to stay motivated and feel like I could easily lay in bed all day at the moment.

Been a terrible day today my work didn't pay me on the 1st after asking for my p45 from previous employer so all my bills have now came off and its all been payed over my overdraft.

Got up earlier when the door went to sign for a letter, I had a feeling it would be from my employer, sat and stared at it for about an hour and eventually opened it.
They have reviewed my illness with being off and they cant see where they could put me or fit me in with the company due to my health and terminated my contract,

I'm not surprised and was half expecting it but its hit home now that I am unemployed and dont really know what to do as I have never been in this situation. Its always been catch 22 I have always worked and pushed to keep going through my last employment as I mentioned before and really strruggled to come to terms with my health and keep pushing to keep working at the same time.

I also received a letter earlier from my bank to say that I am over my overdraft and will now be charged for everyday that I am over.

I cant help but feel slightly annoyed with my employer, I wasn't wanting or expecting to sit back for the next few months and getting a full wage but the fact I sent them an honest email explaining and apologising about the situation and they send back a recorded letter through the post terminating my contract has left me slightly bitter about the situation.

They seemed understanding to begin with and understood my health and that I will be off for a few months and to send P45 to allow them to pay me in time etc. (I still haven't received my p45 from my previous employer so couldn't send in) as well as asking me to explain and they will do their best to accommodate me whether it be reducing my hours and/or moving me into another position till I'm back on my feet then boom ...letter of termination!

I dont even know where to start informing bank or direct debit companies about my situation? Dreading the feeling of signing on as well and have no idea what to do and who to contact?
Last thing I want to do is start worrying about money and making ends meet over my other problems but obviously dont want to get myself into major issues with debt as well and making my situation worse.

I've been lying on the couch all day worrying about it and my health & finance, feeling im major losing control, all starting to really sink in over the last week.
Still not told my family that I was off and now that I'm basically unemployed is getting me on edge as well.

The mind can be an evil place! All fun and games! :weep:

[Jayamashey]

I feel for you. I am sorry to hear. Unfortunately I don't know the employment laws or social security options for where you are so I cannot comment on those.

I would talk to your family though (if you are close with them). It really helps to have people that you can talk with and that can help you out. If not close with them then you should talk with some friends.

I hope/pray it gets better for you.

[Down_Lo]

Thanks for the advice and support, hopefully get things cleared up today at the citizens advice, been up all night worrying myself can't switch off and getting sleep.

Your right I do need to tell my family as am close with them all although I feel I have been quite withdrawn from them all the last few years everything has been an effort even visiting family. As close as we are I have never been one for showing emotion or sharing feelings etc with them it's the way I've always been.

It really gets me down as well as they are all pretty much local and I have no excuse not to just exhausting the thought of it and having to put a front on with them,just want to go home.

I am terrified to tell my mum she works abroad her job is not secure at the moment, think she is already a bit worried about me as she can tell over the phone that I havent been myself even though I haven't said anything.

It's the fact I'm living in her flat at the moment and not being able to pay my way and I'm not even sure she could afford the payments for both flats by herself makes me feel really low and guilty!

I have slight paranoia telling anyone about my health as I start to think too much what they think and that I might be lying, I know it sounds stupid I'm not sure if any of you have these thoughts but it really gets to me.

Even had it thinking back years ago if I was ever off with a genuine illness flu etc and had to ring in was always on edge thinking my work would think I was lying and would dread going back when I was better.

I'll see how things go tomorrow at citizens advice and try and come back and tidy the flat keep busy then in a few days I'll need to have a chat with my mum. Don't want to have to do it all at once.
I just hope she understands my situation, I don't want sympathy just an understanding and hope that she doesn't worry or get emotional as I don't want to put that pressure on her when she's over there by herself. If there was anyway around not having to tell her then I wouldn't tbh.

[Jayamashey]

Sounds like you have a good relationship with her so I think you need to tell her soon. It will help you despite your fear about it. I was in the same situation about telling my family (wife and mother) as I wanted to be the confident and reliable person. However, when you are struggling you need help. Everyone needs a sense of community and when you are at a low point that is when it is vital to have them. Once I spoke with my family and a few good friends it seemed to help me know that others were there to help me out.

Anxiety/Depression are a real challenge and a something that should be taken seriously by your self. Don't minimize it but confront the reality of it and what its doing to you. Once you fully understand that and can turn to others for support (even just talking to) then that will help with recovery.

Hope this helps,

[Down_Lo]

Sounds like you have a good relationship with her so I think you need to tell her soon. It will help you despite your fear about it. I was in the same situation about telling my family (wife and mother) as I wanted to be the confident and reliable person. However, when you are struggling you need help. Everyone needs a sense of community and when you are at a low point that is when it is vital to have them. Once I spoke with my family and a few good friends it seemed to help me know that others were there to help me out.

Anxiety/Depression are a real challenge and a something that should be taken seriously by your self. Don't minimize it but confront the reality of it and what its doing to you. Once you fully understand that and can turn to others for support (even just talking to) then that will help with recovery.

Hope this helps,

Hi Jaya,

Thanks for the reply, been feeling crappy over the weekend to go back to CAB on tuesday so none of my debts have been sorted or discussed yet which is putting me on edge as well as having about £1 to my name and going to have to ask family for money to tie me over just now!

Main issue was building up the courage to tell my mum, finally spoke to her tonight....didn't quite go to plan!

Was talking to her over skype earlier and she had been out with a few friends as she is off over there tomorrow, she wasn't p*ssed but could tell she had had one or two.
Anyway I couldn't get a word in edge ways with her talking about the usual and after hours of small talk and dreading dropping the bomb and telling her I finally worked up the courage and it was a disaster!

I started to tell her I was at the doc and he recommended I take time off etc and slowly by the time I started to let it all out approx 5-10mins later when I finished there was silence....I started to worry and thought sh*t she's upset and kept shouting on her but no reply!

I sent her a txt through whatsapp and heard her phone going in the background so I rang her and SHE HAD FALLEN ASLEEP AND HADN'T HEARD SH*T I HAD TOLD TELL HER!!!!! :doh::blush:

I can laugh at it now but I could have cried when she told me and started to apologise she was lying in bed talking to me at the time and fell asleep during the random conversation we had before I started to get serious and tell her my issues.
I did wonder why there was no input when I was talking and just kept on going trying to put it into words wth is going on in my head!

She txt me later on and apologised again and said to her if she can ring me tomorrow again, the fact I built all that up to tell her and now I need to do it all again I'm p*ssed off to put it politely.....Ah well never a dull day.

I will look back at this one day and have a good laugh hopefully, a lighter moment I suppose in this cr*ppy time!