Lola
05-01-07, 20:03
This is the first time I post here, although I have been reading the posts on this forum for ages (and boy have they helped me!)
I noticed a few things about my anxiety and I guess I just wanted to share them and see if people can relate.
-I am not scared of being ill per se, nor am I aftraid of death... Mostly, I am afraid of living life happily and then one day being shocked by some horrible illness that disrupts my life. (This whole pattern is illogical because a more rational person would want to enjoy life, not waste it away in misery waiting for something bad to happen.) I know that this fear stems from being stunned by my mother's lung cancer diagnosis (she never smoked nor did anyone in the family) in 2001 and her subsequent pain and suffering and death in 2002. It came as a shock and completely devastated our family.
-I sometimes feel a strange sort of comfort in my health anxiety thought processes. Don't get me wrong - they are no fun... But the ritualistic thinking about symptoms and analyzing what they can be becomes a sort of habit... And habits become familiar and thus comforting... Does that make sense???
-I do not only obsess about symptoms. I also create all these connections between things and whole scenarios... For example, I recently caught a flu virus and so when I took a blood test my white count was a little lower than normal. The doctor told me this was typical with viral infections. My mind started working... My white count was low = my immunity was down = I am going to get cervical changes again. (I had a LEEP procedure done a couple of years ago for precancerous cervical changes.) To me, my scenarios seem completely based in logic... I even convince my sister of them sometimes, and she does not have health anxiety!
But I am more aware now of my health anxiety AS anxiety... So sometimes when I feel a symptom (and I just HATE not knowing which are real!) I can now pause and ask myself what I am stressed about... whether I am displacing something onto my health... etc.
It does not always work, though, as I am sure you will see as I turn to this forum in the future... But I am trying!
Anyway... I just think it is great that this space is available to share our worries and to help ease each other's stress. You all seem like a very caring group of people... That's the thing, isn't it - with this intense anxiety and feeling and emotion comes great strength and compassion... And that is something to cherish and appreciate about ourselves :)
I noticed a few things about my anxiety and I guess I just wanted to share them and see if people can relate.
-I am not scared of being ill per se, nor am I aftraid of death... Mostly, I am afraid of living life happily and then one day being shocked by some horrible illness that disrupts my life. (This whole pattern is illogical because a more rational person would want to enjoy life, not waste it away in misery waiting for something bad to happen.) I know that this fear stems from being stunned by my mother's lung cancer diagnosis (she never smoked nor did anyone in the family) in 2001 and her subsequent pain and suffering and death in 2002. It came as a shock and completely devastated our family.
-I sometimes feel a strange sort of comfort in my health anxiety thought processes. Don't get me wrong - they are no fun... But the ritualistic thinking about symptoms and analyzing what they can be becomes a sort of habit... And habits become familiar and thus comforting... Does that make sense???
-I do not only obsess about symptoms. I also create all these connections between things and whole scenarios... For example, I recently caught a flu virus and so when I took a blood test my white count was a little lower than normal. The doctor told me this was typical with viral infections. My mind started working... My white count was low = my immunity was down = I am going to get cervical changes again. (I had a LEEP procedure done a couple of years ago for precancerous cervical changes.) To me, my scenarios seem completely based in logic... I even convince my sister of them sometimes, and she does not have health anxiety!
But I am more aware now of my health anxiety AS anxiety... So sometimes when I feel a symptom (and I just HATE not knowing which are real!) I can now pause and ask myself what I am stressed about... whether I am displacing something onto my health... etc.
It does not always work, though, as I am sure you will see as I turn to this forum in the future... But I am trying!
Anyway... I just think it is great that this space is available to share our worries and to help ease each other's stress. You all seem like a very caring group of people... That's the thing, isn't it - with this intense anxiety and feeling and emotion comes great strength and compassion... And that is something to cherish and appreciate about ourselves :)