Lack of trust affecting relationship...help!

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Hello all, thank you for reading.

I posted a few months back so will avoid rehashing that post here. My partner was secretly using up to 30mgs of diazepam for the best part of the last decade. He wasn't open about this at all and would be very defensive about it. Eventually I got tired of this and said that he needed to get help or our relationship would be finished as he was ordering them off the Internet illegally.

He eventually sorted out a reducing prescription and it all seemed to go swimmingly, in fact he had few if any symptoms. I was concerned as he seemed to think that this was all he needed to do...he didn't seek any other support or therapy at all, leaving all the issues with anxiety unresolved. He also did not throw out his old stash.

Due to my suspicions I was checking on him a lot and eventually noticed that a couple of tablets from his old stash had gone missing. I asked him (with the hope of him being open) whether he'd used. He initially denied it but I told him that I knew different, so finally then he was open about it. He should at this point be on 2mg tablets but on a couple of days last week used 10mgs instead as he said he could feel himself starting to feel panicky.

I'm exhausted with this as his lack of openness has been going on for years. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and ended the relationship mainly because I think I'll struggle to trust him on this again eg. if he ever acted oddly in the future I think I'd always be worried he'd slipped back to using illegally purchased diazepam. I love him and feel devastated this has happened. There's a part of me that wants to believe that this was just one slip but I fear that in staying in the relationship that he'll never come off it but just be even more secretive. This whole thing feels like it's crushed me. He's got so many good points but I feel this just drives a wedge between us...like I feel like he shuts me out. I am so upset and am on the verge of taking him back but I'm not sure whether this is a good idea. .. :(

[debs71]

Hi,

It's a really hard one to advise about. I think perhaps it comes down to the question whether he is willing to: number one, be totally open with you about having taken more drugs and there are no more lies, and number two, whether he is willing to meet you halfway, and find some resolution to this problem he has, because that is no fun for you in the relationship, and like you say, without trust, NO relationship can work anyway, regardless of the specific issues at hand.

Being with someone who is abusing drugs, be they Class A's or over-the-counter meds, is a very, very tough relationship to be in. It adds so many issues to the mix, like can you trust him with your money/credit cards when you are out of the room, will he dig you into a financial mess with his purchasing of them, etc, etc. plus a million other things.

Do you need that? Is there some way that you love him enough to try to help him with this, whilst also understanding that staying in the relationship means you are going to have to be vigilant about the things he may not admit?

Only you can really know the answer to that, hun.

I have been in a similar situation myself, though not as tough as yours I think. My boyfriend, when I met him, mentioned that he took cocaine 'every now and again'. When we first started seeing each other, the relationship was not established or serious, so although I really did not like it - I am very anti-drugs - I let it go. Now however, because things are much more serious, I asked him again whether he still took cocaine, which he admitted he did. He made light of it, saying he didn't 'need to do it', but 'liked it now and again' and he didn't have a problem. I was very unhappy about it, and made sure he knew, and it is still an issue in our relationship, but I am at the point now - like you - where my feelings are so strong that I dither about ultimatums, and he is a great guy otherwise, makes me laugh and lifts me up when I feel bad, but it is hard as I have always said I would never and COULD never be with a drug user, be they a casual user or not.

Is it worth you having a deep discussion with him about it all? See if there is any way forwards here?

I think that it may be worth trying, as clearly you still have feelings for him. x

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Hi Debs, thank you for your reply. It's a really difficult position to be in. I have come to hate those little pills and feel the hold they have on him is just ridiculous. As for conversations about, I've had so many but he always seems to defend it in some way. He states he wants to stop yet keeps the old tablets in the house stating that he feels they're like a 'safety net' 'just in case'. I believe there is a degree of emotional blunting with him as I seem way more upset about this than he does. It's hard not to feel that he just doesn't love me enough to put us before these little pills. I feel so worn out and frustrated that I just can't see a way back from this right now.

As for your situation (because hey, it's always easier to look at someone else's situation right?), when all is said and done you only really have your own relationship with your boundaries. I guess it's about deciding where your lines are and making them clear. It's all about thinking with your head rather than your heart and I suppose this is what I've decided to do, even though it hurts like hell. Good luck x