TuxedoCat
01-12-14, 05:19
Hello. I'm a 24 year old woman from the US. Just recently got accepted into an MFA program that I'm very excited about. I'm generally kind of introverted, so I hope you'll all forgive me if I'm not very forum savvy.
I joined this forum because I suffer from various forms of anxiety. I think I've had it ever since I was very young, but the issues I currently deal with are more probably along the lines of six years. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder by my physician, but I think OCD is probably a more accurate one. This time, it tends to be on the "pure O" side of it, specifically "harm OCD" (directed at self, which is terrifying). I'm hoping being able to talk with others that are also going through it.
Other times, it's been health anxiety (when it's not harm ocd, it's health), a brief moment of harm ocd directed to my pets (but that was so laughably unlikely to even my jerk of a mind that it couldn't stick), and a brief moment of sexuality based ocd (I realized, no, I was actually socially anxious, not experiencing attraction), and one brief harm ocd directed at children.
More on my current harm OCD/anxiety:
I first got it 6 years ago when my cat passed away and I graduated high school. I started having "what ifs" about outright killing myself. I was terrified of these thoughts and after getting some therapy, they soon ended. The resurfaced near the end of my BA education and then a year after my graduation. Let me just say, I vastly prefer worrying about my health than about this. I feel like my mind is a civil war zone.
I am seeing a therapist every month or two. We're working with CBT. I don't think she has classified it as OCD, but just anxiety. It tends to come up with times of stress; this time it's money. I am not on any sort of medication because she believes it to be too situational dependent. I find that doesn't make it any less terrifying though. I practice daily meditation, journaling, I have an app that I can use to record and challenge my thoughts on (highly recommend it), and I practice a sort of "mindfulness" activity recommended by my therapist: pick an item and describe it non judgmentally, usually visual, but I've played with sound and tactile as well.
I'm a very private person normally, so I find talking about it very difficult. When these intrusive thoughts flare up, sometimes I can disregard them; other times I find it really hard to convince myself that they mean literally nothing. I become so frightened of them, so scared that they mean that I will one day, either in the near future or distant, want to act on them. I really don't want to die, I promise. In fact, I told a close friend that her best friend did kill himself and that was, to this day, the worst thing I've ever emotionally experienced. I'm very morally against it and it just feels so wrong to have these intrusive thoughts. These terrify me to my very core, to the point of wanting to cry in fear of them. I then think about telling others and the horror and lack of understanding that it would bring them and become even more frightened. Then I just feel guilty on top of being frightened. My chest becomes tight and I get sent into a panic attack where I have to fight back tears.
I remember these started up when I was holiday shopping and when I was thinking about what I could and could not afford. I also had the lovely thought of "I hope these thoughts don't return over the holidays." Such a wonderfully kind and generous mind I have to give me exactly what I do not want. At this point, they start to cause themselves, because I self check a lot. I think "oh, today has been good, no intrusive thoughts at all!" and then WHAM. Walked right into a trap. I become afraid of them, so when I think logically about how the cycle works, I actually start having them.
I was relieved to find a name for it and find out that it's relatively common, but it's still a very scary thing to deal with. My next therapy appointment is not until January, unfortunately. I might see if I can make an earlier one with another provider.
If anyone has any success stories about battling harm ocd (ideally one directed at yourself), I would really appreciate hearing them.
I joined this forum because I suffer from various forms of anxiety. I think I've had it ever since I was very young, but the issues I currently deal with are more probably along the lines of six years. I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder by my physician, but I think OCD is probably a more accurate one. This time, it tends to be on the "pure O" side of it, specifically "harm OCD" (directed at self, which is terrifying). I'm hoping being able to talk with others that are also going through it.
Other times, it's been health anxiety (when it's not harm ocd, it's health), a brief moment of harm ocd directed to my pets (but that was so laughably unlikely to even my jerk of a mind that it couldn't stick), and a brief moment of sexuality based ocd (I realized, no, I was actually socially anxious, not experiencing attraction), and one brief harm ocd directed at children.
More on my current harm OCD/anxiety:
I first got it 6 years ago when my cat passed away and I graduated high school. I started having "what ifs" about outright killing myself. I was terrified of these thoughts and after getting some therapy, they soon ended. The resurfaced near the end of my BA education and then a year after my graduation. Let me just say, I vastly prefer worrying about my health than about this. I feel like my mind is a civil war zone.
I am seeing a therapist every month or two. We're working with CBT. I don't think she has classified it as OCD, but just anxiety. It tends to come up with times of stress; this time it's money. I am not on any sort of medication because she believes it to be too situational dependent. I find that doesn't make it any less terrifying though. I practice daily meditation, journaling, I have an app that I can use to record and challenge my thoughts on (highly recommend it), and I practice a sort of "mindfulness" activity recommended by my therapist: pick an item and describe it non judgmentally, usually visual, but I've played with sound and tactile as well.
I'm a very private person normally, so I find talking about it very difficult. When these intrusive thoughts flare up, sometimes I can disregard them; other times I find it really hard to convince myself that they mean literally nothing. I become so frightened of them, so scared that they mean that I will one day, either in the near future or distant, want to act on them. I really don't want to die, I promise. In fact, I told a close friend that her best friend did kill himself and that was, to this day, the worst thing I've ever emotionally experienced. I'm very morally against it and it just feels so wrong to have these intrusive thoughts. These terrify me to my very core, to the point of wanting to cry in fear of them. I then think about telling others and the horror and lack of understanding that it would bring them and become even more frightened. Then I just feel guilty on top of being frightened. My chest becomes tight and I get sent into a panic attack where I have to fight back tears.
I remember these started up when I was holiday shopping and when I was thinking about what I could and could not afford. I also had the lovely thought of "I hope these thoughts don't return over the holidays." Such a wonderfully kind and generous mind I have to give me exactly what I do not want. At this point, they start to cause themselves, because I self check a lot. I think "oh, today has been good, no intrusive thoughts at all!" and then WHAM. Walked right into a trap. I become afraid of them, so when I think logically about how the cycle works, I actually start having them.
I was relieved to find a name for it and find out that it's relatively common, but it's still a very scary thing to deal with. My next therapy appointment is not until January, unfortunately. I might see if I can make an earlier one with another provider.
If anyone has any success stories about battling harm ocd (ideally one directed at yourself), I would really appreciate hearing them.