nm1
05-12-14, 20:42
from an outside perspective and my own self analysis I would be considered as a well rounded intelligent girl with a degree, who is well educated, a talented sportsman, social girl, who enjoyed life, made lots of friends went to all the parties at university and who just loves life. Uni was awesome and defining moment in my life. From the outside everything is perfect what's going on within is a psychological warfare between my thoughts and logic.
Wednesday 3rd dec 14 11:15 am. I am sitting here at work I am feeling a little bit stressed as I can feel the lump in my throat which feels like there is a golf ball just lodged within my muscles and constricting my oesophagus. I am trying to think of logical reasons to why this is not throat cancer or not mouth disease or a life threatening situation. The hardest part which I struggle with is the physical sensations that I am feeling right now, so I am focusing all my attention on this lump in throat feeling which I know will make it worse. I am desperately try to ignore I need this job and cannot afford to leave, However it’s easier said than done I am sure anyone that could feel a lump in there throat would be quite concerned right?. I am writing this now whilst listening to a YouTube video which highlights it’s a good idea when feeling anxious to write your feelings down so that is what I am doing. Also I don’t want to leave work which is what I did yesterday.
Well let me tell you about Yesterday (2nd Dec 14) it was one of the worse days I have had this year, this lump which I have according to gp's is Globus hystericus I have had it once before but never felt this swollen where I could not breathe or swallow. I can't ignore this lump no more and that was it the thoughts of what if i stop breathing, what if I choke and die started to creep through again.I literally ran out of work without a second thought I just knew I needed to get out of this building, this environment and this moment. I am overcome with sheer panic and embarrassment it doesn't help that I am 26 years old.. wth I cannot get through a day this is embarrassing but also a extremely traumatic and scary situation. The taxi journey back home was pure fear and dread I thought this was it. I am crying hysterically in the taxi ride and sensing the taxi driver feels very stuck and unsure about how to deal with the situation. I get home and no one is there I am thinking if something happens no one will ever know this thought gave me more panic. I locked the door behind me and run upstairs, try and put battery on my Nokia (yes that means no smartphone) anyway I have no battery it’s not charging great. Anyway I manage to get some battery call doctors, the one day I am having one of my worse panic attacks they are not open, I get directed to 111(operator) who sensed my panic and assured me to calm down.
however a phone call to my mum and one hour later of heavy breathing, thoughts of death, the tight chest sweating and suffocating sensation was just not easing up. Mum had called ambulance next thing I know paramedic calmed me down after another hour it's like the calm after the storm. Then the anxiety guilt creeps in and pure embarrassment, Guilt as I feel I am wasting the paramedics time, and putting everyone through unnecessary worry. The embarrassment well at 26 I thought I would have control over this however it’s getting worse each day by day. It’s ruining my life and finding this very difficult to cope with.
Well back to today (3rd December) the time is now 12.38pm and the throat has not gone down it’s all I can feel and think of. I want to leave work right now. I am at work right now at my desk writing this and I want to leave, I feel sick, sweaty hot and no one can tell the internal turmoil I am going through right now. My hands are beginning to shake and I feel weird. I literally am very concerned I cannot see my eyes have got so blurry I literally cannot see when I take my glasses off this never used to be the case. I need to back to gp and I need go to specialist, right I am going to go, no I am going to stay, great i can write or take this any more, I am emailing manager i need to leave this is suffocating me I am.
Well if you have made it to this point reader that is a day in a life on me and dealing with anxiety. I thought would post because when I read it back it sounds a bit nuts but this is how i feel. You maybe able to identify in some parts if so you aint alone.
* if grammar not correct my apologies...
Wednesday 3rd dec 14 11:15 am. I am sitting here at work I am feeling a little bit stressed as I can feel the lump in my throat which feels like there is a golf ball just lodged within my muscles and constricting my oesophagus. I am trying to think of logical reasons to why this is not throat cancer or not mouth disease or a life threatening situation. The hardest part which I struggle with is the physical sensations that I am feeling right now, so I am focusing all my attention on this lump in throat feeling which I know will make it worse. I am desperately try to ignore I need this job and cannot afford to leave, However it’s easier said than done I am sure anyone that could feel a lump in there throat would be quite concerned right?. I am writing this now whilst listening to a YouTube video which highlights it’s a good idea when feeling anxious to write your feelings down so that is what I am doing. Also I don’t want to leave work which is what I did yesterday.
Well let me tell you about Yesterday (2nd Dec 14) it was one of the worse days I have had this year, this lump which I have according to gp's is Globus hystericus I have had it once before but never felt this swollen where I could not breathe or swallow. I can't ignore this lump no more and that was it the thoughts of what if i stop breathing, what if I choke and die started to creep through again.I literally ran out of work without a second thought I just knew I needed to get out of this building, this environment and this moment. I am overcome with sheer panic and embarrassment it doesn't help that I am 26 years old.. wth I cannot get through a day this is embarrassing but also a extremely traumatic and scary situation. The taxi journey back home was pure fear and dread I thought this was it. I am crying hysterically in the taxi ride and sensing the taxi driver feels very stuck and unsure about how to deal with the situation. I get home and no one is there I am thinking if something happens no one will ever know this thought gave me more panic. I locked the door behind me and run upstairs, try and put battery on my Nokia (yes that means no smartphone) anyway I have no battery it’s not charging great. Anyway I manage to get some battery call doctors, the one day I am having one of my worse panic attacks they are not open, I get directed to 111(operator) who sensed my panic and assured me to calm down.
however a phone call to my mum and one hour later of heavy breathing, thoughts of death, the tight chest sweating and suffocating sensation was just not easing up. Mum had called ambulance next thing I know paramedic calmed me down after another hour it's like the calm after the storm. Then the anxiety guilt creeps in and pure embarrassment, Guilt as I feel I am wasting the paramedics time, and putting everyone through unnecessary worry. The embarrassment well at 26 I thought I would have control over this however it’s getting worse each day by day. It’s ruining my life and finding this very difficult to cope with.
Well back to today (3rd December) the time is now 12.38pm and the throat has not gone down it’s all I can feel and think of. I want to leave work right now. I am at work right now at my desk writing this and I want to leave, I feel sick, sweaty hot and no one can tell the internal turmoil I am going through right now. My hands are beginning to shake and I feel weird. I literally am very concerned I cannot see my eyes have got so blurry I literally cannot see when I take my glasses off this never used to be the case. I need to back to gp and I need go to specialist, right I am going to go, no I am going to stay, great i can write or take this any more, I am emailing manager i need to leave this is suffocating me I am.
Well if you have made it to this point reader that is a day in a life on me and dealing with anxiety. I thought would post because when I read it back it sounds a bit nuts but this is how i feel. You maybe able to identify in some parts if so you aint alone.
* if grammar not correct my apologies...