Louise2013
07-12-14, 14:19
Hello all,
Well, I am back on the HA train and can't seem to slow it down.
I had a baby earlier this year which sparked PND, which presented as health anxiety; I became consumed with the fear that I would leave my baby without a Mummy. A few weeks' later, I discovered a mole I had not seen before and became convinced it was melanoma. I didn't leave the house for one week aside from the trip to my GP where she referred me to the hospital for review. At that appointment (hospital) I was assured it was fine. A quick google search confirmed the consultant I met with is one of the best in the country; I assured myself he could not be wrong. That lasted about 4 days. I then decided I wanted a second opinion so paid to go private and see an equally skilled specialist who again, assured me all is well. Again, I was fine for a few weeks. Then, a few weeks later I started feeling some aching in my breast on one side. I had left the thought of melanoma behind now, so my fixation became breast cancer. This was my thought process:
- My grandmother had (and survived) breast cancer
- I only have pain on one side; that must be bad
- I had implants many many years ago that are fine, but at the same time I had a lumpectomy to remove a benign cyst (this had been tested both prior and after removal); the tissue removed was the size of a golf ball.
- At the site of the cyst removal, underneath the skin, there is a small flat 'hard' area about the size of a penny; after the operation about ten years ago, I saw a doctor who scanned me (ultrasound) who said I has some scar tissue from the cyst removal and also a crease in the implant; neither of which were an issue.
- Roll on to 2014 and I am now fixated on this pain; the hardened area has never bothered me. I decided not to wait, and self referred to see a private breast cancer specialist for review. He scanned me (ultrasound) and examined me and assured me all was fine.
- I went to my GP to discuss what he had said and said I still felt anxious. She examined me also and agreed nothing to worry about.
- I could not calm down so went and saw a different doctor. She examined me and agreed the pain was nothing to worry about, but she felt the hardened area that I have had for years and has now referred me to the breast clinic for further review.
- This now has spiralled me off into the crazies again. Is it actually something to worry about after all? Am I so used to that area I have not paid attention to it and it is in fact a tumour? Am I too late?? Is the pain actually a spread of disease?
- I have sporadic pains elsewhere on that same side (Knee, abdomen) and am terrified this is something now all over my body.
As always, as I say it and as I write it, I can hear how stupid and insane this is. But I always read about people saying 'I just 'knew' something was wrong so I didn't give up fighting for a diagnosis' etc. when they have been found to have some terrible disease but it seems that with HA; EVERYTHING I feel is a 'knowing' something is wrong and I can't separate things out rationally.
I feel myself withdrawing from my family. I am snapping at my husband. I can't talk about this with him as he just thinks it's nonsense. He is very supportive but thinks telling me 'it will be okay' will allay my fears. I just can't get my head straight.
I have a hospital appointment in ten days time. I feel like a fraud for using up NHS resources. But I thought I was getting a handle on my HA. I am scared to medicate. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am failing at every turn and letting everyone I love down. Most of all, my baby.
I am thinking about trying CBT but I need to find someone privately as there is no local funding for NHS support. Has anyone had success with this?
Thanks for reading x
Well, I am back on the HA train and can't seem to slow it down.
I had a baby earlier this year which sparked PND, which presented as health anxiety; I became consumed with the fear that I would leave my baby without a Mummy. A few weeks' later, I discovered a mole I had not seen before and became convinced it was melanoma. I didn't leave the house for one week aside from the trip to my GP where she referred me to the hospital for review. At that appointment (hospital) I was assured it was fine. A quick google search confirmed the consultant I met with is one of the best in the country; I assured myself he could not be wrong. That lasted about 4 days. I then decided I wanted a second opinion so paid to go private and see an equally skilled specialist who again, assured me all is well. Again, I was fine for a few weeks. Then, a few weeks later I started feeling some aching in my breast on one side. I had left the thought of melanoma behind now, so my fixation became breast cancer. This was my thought process:
- My grandmother had (and survived) breast cancer
- I only have pain on one side; that must be bad
- I had implants many many years ago that are fine, but at the same time I had a lumpectomy to remove a benign cyst (this had been tested both prior and after removal); the tissue removed was the size of a golf ball.
- At the site of the cyst removal, underneath the skin, there is a small flat 'hard' area about the size of a penny; after the operation about ten years ago, I saw a doctor who scanned me (ultrasound) who said I has some scar tissue from the cyst removal and also a crease in the implant; neither of which were an issue.
- Roll on to 2014 and I am now fixated on this pain; the hardened area has never bothered me. I decided not to wait, and self referred to see a private breast cancer specialist for review. He scanned me (ultrasound) and examined me and assured me all was fine.
- I went to my GP to discuss what he had said and said I still felt anxious. She examined me also and agreed nothing to worry about.
- I could not calm down so went and saw a different doctor. She examined me and agreed the pain was nothing to worry about, but she felt the hardened area that I have had for years and has now referred me to the breast clinic for further review.
- This now has spiralled me off into the crazies again. Is it actually something to worry about after all? Am I so used to that area I have not paid attention to it and it is in fact a tumour? Am I too late?? Is the pain actually a spread of disease?
- I have sporadic pains elsewhere on that same side (Knee, abdomen) and am terrified this is something now all over my body.
As always, as I say it and as I write it, I can hear how stupid and insane this is. But I always read about people saying 'I just 'knew' something was wrong so I didn't give up fighting for a diagnosis' etc. when they have been found to have some terrible disease but it seems that with HA; EVERYTHING I feel is a 'knowing' something is wrong and I can't separate things out rationally.
I feel myself withdrawing from my family. I am snapping at my husband. I can't talk about this with him as he just thinks it's nonsense. He is very supportive but thinks telling me 'it will be okay' will allay my fears. I just can't get my head straight.
I have a hospital appointment in ten days time. I feel like a fraud for using up NHS resources. But I thought I was getting a handle on my HA. I am scared to medicate. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am failing at every turn and letting everyone I love down. Most of all, my baby.
I am thinking about trying CBT but I need to find someone privately as there is no local funding for NHS support. Has anyone had success with this?
Thanks for reading x