Help, feeling terrible!

[Goldfinch]

Hi all, I have been awake since 2.30 am and am shaky, nauseous and having diarrhoea. I've taken 2 mg diazepam but it hasn't helped much. I think I will have to go back to my GP and ask for some more citalopram - I came off it in February but it hasn't been a great year and the stresses of single parenting and self-employment are taking their toll. I am just constantly terrified of not being able to pay the mortgage and ending up homeless. I've got a long work day ahead as well, but it's so hard to work feeling like this.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear this Goldfinch. It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment.

Has the anxiety been progressively worse or does it come in blips? If its progressive, it makes sense to either make changes, enter in therapy or opt for medication. If its in blips, can you weather it and try to make these changes anyway but without medication? I get loads of blips and I now just how bad they make me feel, like a massive step back but I find they don't last more than a few days now so I can't base all my decisions on them.

[Goldfinch]

Hi Terry,

It's been more or less on and off this year, but never as bad as this. I think I may need a course of meds just to keep up with everything - have to carry on working whatever, and my son has GCSE mocks this week and next, so I want to be supportive. Maybe it's not realistic to keep trying to cope alone, though I have tried really hard.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Do you think its the combination of events like your sons mocks and Xmas that has made it worse than its been? Have there been comparable times to this throughout the year so you can determine whether its much worse now?

I know my blips have got worse due to the issues Xmas brings and its worse than its been for a while.

[Goldfinch]

There have been some unhappy events this year - one of my best friends has been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease, and my ex-father-in-law died. My ex-husband and I didn't part on good terms, so I hadn't seen the family for ages, but it was so sad and I had some tearful days. It brought an era of my life to a close. I had a lot of anxiety and panic during my divorce and found meds very helpful. The children and I moved into a rented house for a couple of years while my daughter did A levels, but at the start of this year I bought a two-bedroom flat as she is happy to stay in the lounge when she is home from Uni. I wonder if I've made the right move though, as when we were renting I did at least have some capital (though I did have to dip into it to top up earnings as rents are so high round here). Now I am only two months' pay away from debt. My income hasn't been great this year as I wasn't firing on all cylinders in the summer, and then I had a quiet month anyway, which happens sometimes. So I've had two months of quite low pay, which I now have to make up for. I don't get any support from my ex as apparently he has less than £5 spending money a week (!). So it's just me and I feel so responsible. I haven't said this to anybody, but I have sometimes thought I can't face going on like this for another 12 years till the mortgage is paid off. But just the thought of what I would do to the children, and my partner ... it doesn't bear thinking of ... The stupid thing about anxiety is that it makes it so hard to do the things you need to do to sort out the thing you are anxious about! Sorry for rant.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, thats anxiety for you...it stops you moving forward and then you get depressed and the cycle goes on. I remember hitting my rock bottom, I was so anxious I literally wanted to sit in my front room in front of the TV all day because doing anything else could make me even more anxious and by anything, I mean anything from going to the front door to brushing my teeth and even going upstairs to my bedroom. Its simply crazy when it gets to those levels and its months before the medication even touches it for me so I just had to dig my way out once the side effects had finished kicking me even harder to make it worse.

Get it out on here. People all understand. What you say about the next 12 years isn't selfish (people often say that about ending things but I think they would change their words once they have been there!), its just that you want it to end and on one hand you want a good life again but there is that other frustrated beaten side voice inside that just wants to give up so it all goes away.

I think MrAndy puts it best "remember thats a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

What I would say is just try and accept that we all go through those stages, its natural., don't add guilt about thinking like that as it just makes the cycle worse.

I'm lucky, I knew this was going to happen again so I stockpiled my cash into investments and kept my mortgage deposit (that I had been saving for 5+ years) to cover me. But the thing is, I still stress over money now because I worry I will burn through it at some point and end up really stuck.

I can remember being like that when I was younger and its not something I would like to go back to but sometimes life intervenes. I think you need to remember that you have been through a very tough time and you are still going, its hard but you are still going, you just need some support at the moment. Things are especially tough since your ex doesn't seem to be do much and unless he is on basic JSA, I wouldn't buy the £5 issue.

One thing I have definately learned, well many really from all this, is that things do pile up and when you come out the other side things do get better. I still suffer this with my blips, I tend to refer to them as my 'ulcer' because they start and get worse & worse for several days and then I get up the next day and its greatly subsided and it just lingers at a lower level for a few days where I am a bit frazzled. It reminds me of mouth ulcers, especially the tongue ones!

Offload on here, it will help. Keeping it all in makes the rumination worse which feeds the cycle more. There are various CBT tools that help you break down problems or analyse your thoughts to find the real reality of the situation. I can post some links if you want a look at them.

[Goldfinch]

You put it all so well Terry! I would describe it as the thought of doing anything makes me feel sick - even reading a book or watching a TV programme that I normally enjoy. Still, I have had a bath, started the dishwasher and made an appointment with my GP for this afternoon, and I'm now going to start work, so there are some achievements for today! I'd be interested to have a look at the CBT links if you'd like to post them.

[Rockgirl]

Hi Goldfinch - I totally get you. Same symptoms, similar story. I'm a single parent, totally reliant on my income, no involvement from ex for last 7 years. Horrible marriage to him with huge amounts of emotional abuse etc. have built myself back up, had good job, two years of studying along with everything else, got promoted in summer, crashed and burned last wkend. On 5mg escalitopran since last Monday, feel dreadful, can't eat, can't settle, about 2 hrs sleep a night. Was still going to work until thurs - got gp appt shortly and need to be signed off, can't fight it alone anymore. Also have mortgage to pay etc - am petrified will lose my job/everything. Been so overloaded at work with next to no training, feel completely inadequate. My main hope is that I had a similar 'episode' 3 years ago, had to take 8 wks off but DID get better...really thinking of you today x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I went through all that and even now I have feelings about it that seem to be saying "no, do nothing" but that only keeps you stuck in the rut. Sometimes just getting on with things dispels those thoughts and you can regain some positivity but that can be very hard when you are in the worst stages as not much ever seem to work.

Fun goes out of the window. I remember my therapist asking me what I enjoyed / liked to do and I replied "I can't think of anything". It takes over and it requires a lot of effort just to regain a sense of enjoyment in things when you reach that level.

I think you should consider Mindfulness, it can help with this because practice of it has shown in MR scans that it is activating the compassionate side of the brain, which means more creative habits too from what I recall. It also has been shown to reduce pathways in the amygdala which is the fear centre.

It can be hard to get into when you are at the worst stages but if you just do it and accept its only to try to learn to relax, you will find it will become easier and you will start embracing it. It tooks me a few weeks to get to the more relaxed stage with it and about 2 months overall to understand it better as I was very anxious when I started.

---------- Post added at 09:22 ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 ----------

This is a useful website that has templates for various psychology disciplines:

http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

Trap & Trac, activity planners & problem solving, diaries, thought records and the cognitive restructuring may be useful to you.

[Goldfinch]

Thanks so much, Terry, I will look at these after work (something to look forward to!).

Rockgirl, your situation sounds so much like mine. My ex was abusive to me as well - in fact he told me he thought I'd probably have a nervous breakdown and go bankrupt (better not prove him right then!). Let's keep in touch! How are your kids taking it all?

[Rockgirl]

Totally Goldfinch! I have just an 8 y/old who is hugely empathetic to me so knows something wrong. Trying to hide it and be as 'normal' as possible - I'm a little short tempered, look terrible (no sleep etc) but trying to keep going with her as much as I can. Anyone who thinks people with anxiety/depression should 'pull themselves together' needs to try it for a bit. So sorry you're going through it too, wouldn't wish it on anyone but it so helps to know you're not alone!!

[Goldfinch]

Rockgirl, you're offline, I hope that means that you're asleep! I've been awake since about 3 worrying about the huge pile of work I have to get through today - finally decided I might as well get up and start. Feeling sick, shaky and scared. I can't imagine how I'm going to get it all done today, but have deadlines so there's no choice! Keep calm and carry on I guess! After some slow weeks without enough work I took on everything I was offered out of sheer panic, and bit off a bit more than I could chew :ohmy:

[Goldfinch]

Well, I got through yesterday's pile of work and went to my knit and sew group in the evening. I was probably a bit quiet and didn't enjoy it as much as usual, but we are advised to carry on doing social things rather than curl up in a panicking ball, and it was nice to see them. A shame so much of the conversation seemed to revolve around homelessness and food banks! Another rough morning though, awake since about 4 and every time I felt myself start to drift off a jolt of panic ran through me and woke me up again. I've taken 2 mg diazepam to calm myself down for work, but I feel so tired. I'm determined to get it done today though and not have to work over the weekend. I've decided to get the meds and make a start this evening, then should have a couple of quieter weeks in the run-up to Christmas so the side-effects won't have such an impact. Hope you are doing OK, Terry and Rockgirl.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Goldfinch,

That seems like a better idea if you have got things out of the way now and work is maybe going to lessen for a bit.

That jolting business is pretty common. You will find that goes away as you recover, its like you want to sleep but are trying to keep control over functions and bang.

Not doing great at the moment sadly, Xmas and trying to alter my sleep routines is spiking my anxiety and then its low moods when that subsides. Feeling a bit trapped to be honest!

[Goldfinch]

So what are you doing for Christmas Terry, seeing family?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, family meal and gift giving that we always do Xmas afternoon. Its part of the issue for me because my sleep patterns have become so bad, I wouldn't be around for the meal so I'm trying to adjust it to allow for this but its very hard as its one of my major obsessional problems.