View Full Version : Dating Sites, honesty or not?
Hi, I have been suffering from some Mental Health issues for the last three years. One of the consequences of this is loneliness. I have been called a good looking/handsome man on numerous occasions but this is all on the outside, you cannot see the mental health issues. As I am isolated I thought I would try online dating. I have tried this years ago and it was very successful, not so much this time. I was honest in my profile about being off work, with high anxiety amongst other things..I got very few messages. The messages I did get were actually from other people on the site who were also ill. Unfortunately, it seems other people with mental health problems don't want to date other people who also have mental health problems.So, do I lie on my profile? I have amended it a few times and omitted any references to my condition and the messages did trickle through. But, I am going to have to meet them and the truth will come out...just the little things: I cannot get on the Tube, do you mind if we don't go to that busy restaurant. Actually I would feel a lot more comfortable back at mine with a Dvd. How do you approach dating?
ladyhawke77
09-12-14, 18:38
i would say be honest as if the person finds out the truth you will be seen as a liar so its best to find someone who will want you for all of you and not what they think you are if that makes sense
Hi Ben,
I think that you are under no obligation to mention anything about your mental health issues on the site, actually. Not mentioning it does not make you a liar. What would you be 'lying' about??
Umm, nothing. An omission is not a lie!
I think that very personal, private information like that is something that you mention or reveal to someone once you have been on a few dates with them, once you get the feel of who they are as a person, and they you. You are not obliged to spill it all up front.
As far as the things you mention - like the restaurant and the tube, etc., those things can be easily worked around, without you having to go into full reasons why IMO. Like 'Well actually, I know a nice, quieter restaurant where we can have a good chat', etc.
It is a sad fact - even in the year 2014 - that any mention of mental health, and many people have a ridiculous image of padded cells and straightjackets, when in fact we are just ordinary people with ill health, just like a physical problem, that's all. For that reason, I would take your time to get the feel of someone, and then gently ease in to that conversation, when YOU feel comfortable, and the time is right.
I forgot to say - your mental health problems do not define you as a person. Yes, it is an element, but it is not your personality, your character and all the other things that make you who you are. The right person will see that!
I agree entirely with debs.
I tried internet dating just over three years ago and left out the part about my severe OCD knowing full well that my odd behavior couldn't stay hidden for long. I met two guys, one didn't work out after the first date, the other we ended up going on a few. I think it was our fourth date that I told him I had quite bad OCD and he took it well.
We're still together now and recently bought our first house :)
I agree entirely with debs.
I tried internet dating just over three years ago and left out the part about my severe OCD knowing full well that my odd behavior couldn't stay hidden for long. I met two guys, one didn't work out after the first date, the other we ended up going on a few. I think it was our fourth date that I told him I had quite bad OCD and he took it well.
We're still together now and recently bought our first house :)
Aww. That's lovely.:flowers:
I also forgot to mention...I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years now. I too never mentioned my mental health problems at all - depression/GAD/panic attacks. He used to get annoyed that I at times was moody or get tearful over stupid stuff. I also had panic attacks with him, but had mastered the art of covering them up and just saying I 'felt a bit hot and faint'.
He never knew at all.
This year, he asked what the meds that I was taking were for, and I told him everything. He said to me 'why did you never tell me this before?' and was shocked and upset, as he said he now understood why I acted the way I did. He wasn't angry, didn't back off, but was more concerned that I had never told him and been suffering in silence.
Ben - I am just mentioning this as, as Rhiannon mentioned, there are people out there who - once you get to know them - you can then feel able to tell them all about everything. You don't have to be pushed to say anything until you feel it is right.:hugs:
Thank you for your replies. It is difficult, I too don't consider it lying, just omitting some information until the right time. I have come to the conclusion that if I elaborate or mention my condition I am pretty much going to be alone.
I wonder whether this is more difficult for men? Although rarely overtly mentioned, there is still an undercurrent of feeling that men should be providers, protectors, ready to deal with anything sort of chaps...my condition diminishes a lot of those attributes.
I did fly through my twenties and early thirties trading off my looks, that as with many is changing with age. I do need to focus on my personality as I guess that will be in question when I reveal my troubles. Too often I have heard people say 'i did not sign up for this' when people change for the worse in a relationship. I guess I don't want this to be directed at me.
I think it would be easier to get to know women via friends etc as you can build on a friendship when they are aware of my condition. Unfortunately online dating is a bit like a candy store with everyone having a list of requirements.
Maybe after a first date, I could let that person know the troubles I have had and hand it over to them...and wait.
I have not had a partner since I became ill (3 plus years) so it would be nice to find someone. I have tried Guardian Soulmates, but am open to other's suggestions.
Thank you for your replies. It is difficult, I too don't consider it lying, just omitting some information until the right time. I have come to the conclusion that if I elaborate or mention my condition I am pretty much going to be alone.
I wonder whether this is more difficult for men? Although rarely overtly mentioned, there is still an undercurrent of feeling that men should be providers, protectors, ready to deal with anything sort of chaps...my condition diminishes a lot of those attributes...
Hi again Ben,
Please don't be disheartened about it. If people get put off by it, that is certainly no reflection on you. It is just one of those knee jerk reactions people make when reading info like that (superficial people who really need to be able to look beneath the surface) but I think that it is more in YOUR best interests to tell them when you feel right to, not because there is anything wrong with you mentioning it or for their benefit.
I do agree with your thinking on the whole perception of men thing. My Dad has had a long history of anxiety and panic attacks and has suffered two nervous breakdowns. He said the exact same thing. He said that for years he felt embarrassed about his conditions, and did not tell anyone - not even close friends - as he felt that they would think it unmasculine or that he was a wimp or something, and should be able to be strong and cope. It breaks my heart that he felt like that, and if any man feels that way, as anyone can get these conditions, and it is no reflection on how manly someone is. I think society's expectations put so much pressure on men when it comes to ill health, especially mental health.
ladyhawke77
09-12-14, 21:43
never give up ben the special lady is out there for you :)
Hi Debs and ladyhawke, thank you for your replies and encouragement. I am making a profile as we speak. I am aiming for one date before Xmas, we will see.
Hi Ben,
The trouble with stating about your anxiety issues on a dating site is people will judge straight away and not get to know you.
Anxiety/panic attacks etc do hold people back in relationships sometimes, my HA and general anxiety has had a huge impact on my marriage.
I think some people have a hard time understanding why we feel like we do or find it hard to cope with it.
My mum has had panic attacks/anxiety most of her adult years andmy dad has stood by here for 49 years of marriage.
There will be someone out there that loves you for youx
ladyhawke77
09-12-14, 22:30
hey ben, good luck with it all and i hope it all goes well for you and dont forget were all here for you :)
So, I get told that I look good a lot... how you look is nothing to do with how you feel inside.
I've been online dating since just after I began dating, aged 17. From 8 years experience I would recommend OkCupid. The online dating world has changed over 8 years, and not necessarily for the better.
I don't put anything about my severe depression on my profile and I haven't needed to. You can't tell by talking to me what I experience on the inside. I don't tell people about how I feel until I trust them. I haven't told my current housemates how depressed and anxious I've been, and I've lived with them for over 3 months.
What I have told people is some of my symptoms when it comes up in conversation. 'I've stopped applying for work because I've had so much rejection, I don't want to put myself through that again at the moment.' Or, 'I fell out with my family, I just couldn't live with them any more.'
That way, I'm not lying to people about anything. I'm not even omitting anything. I'm telling them information which is relevant to the conversation, without labelling it as depression.
Equally, you can say that you prefer quiet places, and you don't like being on the tube. No biggie. Loads of people are the same. Loads of people, too, who don't have labelled mental health problems.
Most people don't know how to handle mental health problems, including people with mental health. It's ignorance. For some people it's a drama because it's different. I remember one guy I was dating came out in a really melodramatic way about having stopped masturbating because he had been addicted. That was too much drama for me. I was the first person he had told, it was a massive deal to him, I didn't have any particular feelings for him. If I felt connected to him it would have been great to be in a position to support him through. Instead, I felt like I had to continue dating him because he'd told me about it - I even felt like I had to have sex with him. I felt responsibility because he had let me in, and I didn't want to be responsible for someone that I didn't have any strong feelings for.
So that's a cautionary tale that I can give you - when you do talk to people you are dating about your mental health, at whatever point you do that, try to make it clear that your emotions are not their responsibility, or they might back off like I did. You don't have to wait until they love you to tell them - it's up to you to gauge when the time is right. Different people have different levels of open mindedness.
I empathise with wanting to be 'out' about your mental health because I want to live in a world where I can be honest and open that I am struggling with depression, and not be faced with harsh judgement. However our world is not quite like that yet. Hopefully it will be, within our lifetimes.
My initial thought to the question is that in my experience it's hard enough even getting any sort of reply or interest on dating sites (and I've tried all different types, paid and free) without going into your mental health.
Getting any sort of meeting atall would be an achievement and if there is any sort of mild interest early on I would only then start to slowly release details.
I don't use any of the sites anymore as in my experience the complete lack of interest only heightened my sense of depression and loneliness.
For the record I was on oasis.com for over 5 years and never got a date, that hardly does much for your confidence.
Different for different people I guess. Dating sites are a tool to meet more people. They don't change who you are as a person, and they won't magic you into a sexy god. Going on them does not mean that you will have any more success than if you approached someone at a bar. It's just a new equivalent of approaching someone at a bar. It's pointless to expect more success from them than you would from any other method - it's just a faster way to see who's out there.
There is someone out there for you, who will want to be with you, for you, the person you are, not whether you're physically or mentally well or unwell!!!!
Anxiety and depression are hidden illnesses, there's no rash or scars with it. Maybe once you get to know the person you meet then you could broach the subject.
But if in doubt say nowt!!!!!!!!
PS
Maybe 'no more panic' should set up online dating
---------- Post added at 16:15 ---------- Previous post was at 16:05 ----------
PPS
Good luck and lets know how you get on!!
There's a lot of excellent advice on here Ben. I think you can say too much too soon and it's all timing really. I also think we can fall into the trap of labelling ourselves. We believe we fall into the category of 'mentally ill' and everyone else is 'ok' or 'normal'. In truth there is no clear dividing line - we all have 'mental health' and sometimes it is better than others, sometimes worse. A lot of people refuse to acknowledge when they have a problem as they do not want to cross the line as they don't want to be 'mental'! Their mental health is often worse than many who are receiving treatment. I have met with many other people who have a whole host of lesser anxiety type problems but have to my knowledge never had treatment and manage to carry on unlabeled. They are usually quite honest about their predicament and feel they can talk about it because they aren't really 'mental'! However, in talking to them, I often realize that the gap between me and them is really nowhere near as great as I sometimes imagine.
It's now a fact that around 1 in 4 of us will require mental health treatment at some time in our lives and it can happen to absolutely anyone. Attitudes are changing as they are with many other old prejudices (racism, homophobia, sexism etc) so there is no need for any of us to feel ashamed.
Try to date people who are similar to yourself in as many other ways as possible and if they like you, they will take you as a package. They may well have flaws of their own that you will have to come to terms with! They may even have had episodes of mental ill health themselves.
Best of luck with this Ben. We are all routing for you!
Tyke :yesyes:
snowflake293
20-12-14, 12:24
Hi Ben
I met my partner on a dating website, we exchanged messages for two weeks and I felt comfortable disclosing my mental health problems to him via messages before we met - turns out he was suffering with something similar could you believe it! Anyway we met in real life and that was 18 months ago and we're now living together :)
Its a tough call because I know a lot of people can be very judgemental. I have always been open about it when dating and have had mixed responses, but in general most people I told about it were understanding.
I guess it is down to what you feel comfortable talking about and trying to gauge the other persons response to it.
I never thought I would meet someone who just 'gets' the whole thing with my anxiety and problems. I am 30 now and was worrying I would just go from one failed relationship to another but online dating really worked for me.
Like Lily1 says, there will be someone who loves you for you.
Good luck :) xx
Hi, Ben.
To add to the discussion, I've long made a habit of disclosing my conditions on dating/social sites (which I use for friendship/social purposes), if only because I fear I'll be developing a friendship/relationship with someone on 'false terms'. My agoraphobia limits me quite severely and I'd be concerned about investing time in someone who could dismiss me for this reason. I have no doubt that it restricts the amount of interest my profiles generate, but I'd personally rather just get it over and done with. I've certainly considered omitting said details (and may even do so in the future), but for now, at a time when I recognise that I'm not ready for dating (because I can't provide consistency (again, agoraphobia)), I choose to simplify the whole process and hope that sympathetic characters will occasionally pop up, haha.
Best of luck!
P.S As Lior states above, OkCupid is a great site (when compared to other free dating/social sites). Generally speaking, I've found members there to put greater effort into developing their profiles, therefore enabling you to greater understand someone (on a preliminary basis, obvs). By comparison, many profiles on, say, POF, simply state 'Fill this in later' :S
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.