Please can someone help me get some perspective. Please don't read if you are worried

[flatterycat]

I really, really need help. I am a mess and my mind has gone from thinking maybe it is all anxiety to me being sure it's a BT.

Today and yesterday I had a flashy bit in my eye (not a migraine). It went, but it was odd, because it was like a bright wiggle that appeared.
So, I googled and it took me to a forum of people describing their symptoms of a BT. Of course I found evidence of what I'm experiencing and I feel sick with fear.
As some of you will know, I am obsessed with this fear because I keep having random flashbacks to dreams I have had - not dreams from yesterday, but really old ones. I also have a feeling sometimes where I get a feeling - it's like I'm trying to remember something, but it's out of my grasp. This is not like trying to remember someone's name or something else. It's totally random. This led me to believing I was experiencing simple partial seizures and since then I have just got worse.

I cannot see how the following accounts by people with BT are not similar to mine. Especially the last one about the memory out of reach. The dream recall I have is similar to deja vu except I know what I'm remembering is from a dream.

Please forgive me for going on about this - so many of you have helped me and I probably don't deserve anymore help, but the only thing I could think was to share what I read in the hope that someone with a rational mind will be able to help me look at the accounts with a different take on things.

I am also, woozy, having dizzy spells, sharp head pains and forgetting things all the time. I'm also struggling with things like spelling and making mistakes. Below are the accounts I read. Please don't read them if you have the same fear.




"My brother complaint about feelings of " deja vu " . He sweat a lot with moments of anxiety, which doctor thought it was pannic attacks. The Clinical doctor in Rio asked for an MRI and soon we knew it was a tumor. We heard 8 (eight) opinions , including chief neuro surgeon in NY who told me : " bening- Safe place , come back in 3 months" what a relief.... And how wrong he was! My other brother was in Europe working and flew to Turkey where we heard there was one famous neuro surgeon Dr Ugur Ture . He was the only one who saw high Grade Glioma in the image. So we went to Boston and immediatly the team of radiologist had the same opinion. One month passed by listening to these opinion when tumor doubled size. Never felt headaches, actually he even did not know what migraine meant..... No prior seizures also. Thanks for all support"

"My husband was 50 years young and in good general health last winter when this all started. On a Saturday morning in March, 2011, he had a short episode of "flashy lights" in his right eye and he couldn't line up the toothbrush under the running water. He commented that he didn't feel right, but brushed it off as being "nothing." After that he had a couple, even more brief episodes of flashing lights. He noticed some blurriness but we thought it was spring allergies making his eyes water. He asked for some eye drops which we faithfully put in his eyes. They seemed to help for an hour or so, but then he got blurry again."


"In '07 I had a few "episodes" where I was hit with a smell. It was a totally unfamiliar smell and it came on in a snap. The smell led to a memory that I couldn't quite remember and may not have been real (aura) then came a feeling of spaciousness. My brain felt "odd", and then it past. In '07 it happened a few times and then went away ...... until April 2010. The same exact thing happened."

[courierdude]

brain tumour is something that someone else tells you about-not something that you diagnose off the internet otherwise you would qualify as a neurosurgeon or someone similar.

look after your general health first, sleep and rest well, eat and drink properly.

when you realise you are doing what you can to take care of your physical health you can then attribute your sensations down to a mental issue or anxiety disorder.

panic attacks will give you all the symptoms you describe minus the danger of actually having a brain tumour.

i have a car, it has four wheel and 2 doors and it might even be the same colour as a ferrari, it has lights on the front and even has leather seats....but i promise you it is not a ferrari and i try to not kid myself that it is anything other than what it is.

stupid analogy i know sorry, but try not to antagonise your fragile state by actively looking for trouble.

i think that there should be an orbituary forum here..because it would be completely empty : )

[Canbud]

First, you know you have to stop googling, right?

Let's talk a bit about subjective descriptions. Let's say you tell me that you see "flashy lights". I have no idea what you're actually experiencing, of course; I hear your description and then try to find a construct within my experience to try to relate to it. So I remember an experience of when I saw "flashy lights", and I conclude that you and I are discussing the exact same thing--and therefore have the exact same problem.

Can you see the folly in this thinking? Especially when you're reading accounts of experiences described by a second or third party? And on the internet?

What you're doing is deciding what's wrong with you, and then looking for evidence to back it up. If you do that, you will always find it.

I don't know if or how often you've talked to your doc about this, but I think I'd rather see you do that than spend time on the net scaring the crap out of yourself!

[flatterycat]

That's exactly what I needed to read - some form of rational response. Thank you. I'm sobbing as I write this. I'm signed off sick, but I have a great job as a teacher, have a beautiful 5 year old daughter who I'm terrified I won't see grow up, a wonderful husband and home and all I can think of is that I have this BT. I am so focused on the dream recall (today I suddenly had a flashback to an old dream and after that followed a few others) and because it feels/sounds so odd I feel the need to constantly analyse them.

I have spoken to my doc, and a couple of others and they are not concerned. I am taking an SSRI and still I'm in a state. I've been on the pills for many years, but up until this episode I wasn't taking them very often.

[Canbud]

That's exactly what I needed to read - some form of rational response. Thank you. I'm sobbing as I write this. I'm signed off sick, but I have a great job as a teacher, have a beautiful 5 year old daughter who I'm terrified I won't see grow up, a wonderful husband and home and all I can think of is that I have this BT. I am so focused on the dream recall (today I suddenly had a flashback to an old dream and after that followed a few others) and because it feels/sounds so odd I feel the need to constantly analyse them.

I have spoken to my doc, and a couple of others and they are not concerned. I am taking an SSRI and still I'm in a state. I've been on the pills for many years, but up until this episode I wasn't taking them very often.

Not sure if your referring to your SSRI or some other med that you're not taking very often. You have to take your SSRI every day, faithfully, in order for them to be effective.

I hope you feel better soon. :hugs:

[flatterycat]

Thanks Canbud

I have been taking the SSRI for many years because of anxiety. Since this all started again in early Nov I have been taking the meds regularly. It was before this that I had been forgetting (I was so busy at work and feeling quite happy at the time).

Again, thanks for your reply.

[Libra]

The strips of flashing lights from corner of eye are silent migraine I was told by Gp. Had them several times ,usually zig zag patterns.
I relate also to what you say flattery cat about the distant memories and trying to grasp them. I often wonder if ive had a dream or if something was real..

[sarainadream]

I too was totally convinced I had a BT. I would Google symptoms and while I knew many of them were "worst case" and it often gives you crazy possible diseases. For example, if you bruise your arm or your back feels stiff, it will always give you worst case from leukemia to MS. I tried to tell myself that you will feel symptoms if you convince yourself enough. I would still Google TS stories and its the "it happened to me" that are the worst. It makes you think, "why NOT me?" The thing is, you are not a doctor nor am I, and its their job to diagnose you. No doctor is right 100% of the time (that thought kind of makes it scary) but they have a good idea of what is serious and what is not.
Trust me, I have gotten to the stage of thinking I'd be found dead and the last thing I looked up on the internet was anurism or BT. Coming to this site has really helped me. Now, I still get attacks and I have not yet been diagnosed. So many things have been narrowed down from inner ear viruses, vertigo, ear crystals, jaw issues, muscle tension, bad eyes, diabetes, etc etc. and no one has said panic attacks yet. I also had an MRI 4 years ago and its clear results made me feel better. But now, I feel worse than I did 4 years ago and the doctors refuse to give me another, thus making me paranoid they are missing something.

Anyways, you are not alone. This has really affected my personal and professional life and no one understands who has not gone through it as you look normal. As bad as the internet can be, websites like this assist in getting you by.

[courierdude]

your ssri can be causing each and every one of your ailments, flashing lights, headaches, woozy, dizziness... so too can something as simple as being dehydrated or deprived of sleep. why are you taking ssri?

[flatterycat]

Sarainadream - thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you are going through HA too. You do sound like you are quite rational about it all though. Do you suffer from anxiety generally or is it as a result of your symptoms?

Courierdude - I take sertraline for anxiety, but have been on it for a year and a half. Before that I was on Citalopram for years.

Went to my counselling appointment yesterday and felt a bit better, but this morning I woke up, had a fleeting memory and panicky feeling, which threw me back into all the stuff I've read about simple partial seizures.

Thanks again

Sarah x

[sarainadream]

I would say that having a brain tumour or anyurism are a large source of my HS. For some reason, I don't nervously Google other symptoms (I did think I had meningitis once as my neck was really stiff). I think its the fact that no one has been able to figure out WHY I get daily headaches is a large root cause. Also, since I had a clear MRI 4 years ago, doctors look at that and kind of write me off. Last night I was laying in bed, feeling okay and the anxiety rose to my head and made it hard to breathe. I was very relaxed and not thinking about my headaches at the time so it seems to be creeping into my everyday life...

[flatterycat]

Sarahadream - it's so hard isn't it. You think you're quite relaxed then it hits and then you question how it can be anxiety if you were ok?

If I knew 100% that these random dream flashes were not from a BT or other nasty, then I don't think they would bother me.

X

[anthrokid]

As others have said, you should not be trying to diagnose yourself with anything. There is a reason that people are advised to visit doctors for their symptoms, and that is because doctors are specially trained to identify symptoms and their causes. They go through years of education, medical training and clinical experience - they are qualified to analyse symptoms and figure out the cause, anyone else can merely speculate. One symptom can have many, many causes. This is obviously the problem in trying to diagnose yourself - one symptom could have 200 different possible causes, but for some reason people tend to pick one that scares them the most and become consumed by it. I know it can be really difficult, but you need to try and accept what your doctor has said. If you can't, then go elsewhere for a second opinion. But if that opinion is the same, it might be time to work on accepting the doctor's judgement and work on managing your anxiety about this :)

A side note, if you are taking SSRIs, they need to be taken every day to work. Not taking them very often means they will have little to no effect on your anxiety. They need to be taken for at least 6 weeks continually to start having a positive effect. I'm just letting you know this in case you only take them when you feel like you need them. SSRIs are not for immediate relief, they are for long-term management.

[courierdude]

you have sort of answered your question yourself.

you felt panicky this morning and now you are having the symptoms that give you the impression that you have a serious illness.

you know this already but your mind blocks out all common sense when it wants to run away with adrenaline and cause you a panic.

youre really in that circle of panic-symptoms-panic-symptoms...

[flatterycat]

Courierdude - I am indeed. Common sense? I have none at the moment and find it very difficult to rationalise anything when I read of experiences like mine which are related to epilepsy and not anxiety.

Anthrokid- thanks. The SSRIs are being taken regularly now. I've seen other docs and they too see anxiety which I do have I agree. I suppose my fear is that the strange feelings started first which ignited my anxiety.

Thanks for your thoughts both of you.

Sarah x

[Libra]

Im afraid that logic and reasoning can often fly out of the window when HA is involved. I know too well. I have had symptoms that have happened 3 times in 15 years lasting couple months each time. I know from diagnosis that I have some muscular issues which are related to the symptoms. Anxiety has added symptoms just as it did on each occasion.

[cattia]

Hi Sarah,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. It's just so hard and I know from experience how very difficult it is to turn your thoughts around once you have started down that road.

As I think you know, I too have had BT fears on and off over the years. A few years ago I often used to wake up smelling really strong smells that weren't there. I was a mess, but my Dr wouldn't send me for an MRI. He was determined that there was nothing wrong other than anxiety and sinus issues. I also get the flashy light thing a lot, I get random coloured lights (usually blue) or flashes out of the corner of my eye. This has been on and off for years now and that is the only thing that makes me think it can't be anything termnial (although I do from time to time have the slow growing BT fear!)

I wish I had some answers for you. I just want you to know that I understand how you feel, I really do and I totally understand that dreadful fear of not seeing your kids grow up. I think the thing that you have to think is that your symptoms absolutely CAN be caused by anxiety and you KNOW you have anxiety. Is there a slight chance that they could be caused by a BT? Well, probably a very very slight one, but what are the chances of someone with anxiety suffering from BT symptoms versus someone with anxiety suffering from anxiety symptoms? I think all you can do is keep seeing your counsellor, go back to your Dr, keep taking your meds and try to practice relaxation exercises. Also, I know how hard it is not to google and I have googled myself insane so many times, but reading those kind of stories really is stopping you from moving forward with this. Maybe you could try to come up with some powerful distraction techniques that you could use when you feel the compulsion to google? For me I have found online Christmas shopping helps, but it could get expensive!

Feel free to PM me for a chat any time at all. xxx