suicidal thoughts?

[A Nervous Nigel]

So I've been having suicidal thoughts a lot this past week..

I've been back on pregabalin 150mgx2 daily for about a month. For the first 3 weeks it greatly reduced how often this thought would come in to my head and the severity of the affect it would have on my mood. Then last week when I went to get a new prescription off the doctor I started crying in front of the receptionist.. Was rather embarrassing.. And the thoughts have came back.

Thing is, when I read about suicidal thoughts online , people seem to describe them differently.. I think mine are anxiety related, say I'm walking down the street feeling anxious, I will just have the thought "just kill yourself" and sometimes I say it under my breath or out loud.. Sometimes I say it or think it over and over and over like "just kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself" and I will go all tense. I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will act on it. I don't even think about how I would do it, well rarely and if I do think about planning it or how I would go about it I don't go in to much detail in my head..

I get these thoughts if I think I've said something silly in a social situation, or if I think about money and how I will manage, or about how I'm doing terrible in my studies.. This has been going on for months and I think I just got used to it. But this week I've been fairly emotional!

I just want to know if anyone experiences something similar? I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully they can help me.. Life eh? Thing is, I know I'm going to get offered antidepressants and they have done naff all in the past.. I will say no to any SSRI or SNRI but may consider mirtazapine as heard its a bit different.. Hope 2015 is better than 2014 cos I've achieved nothing and felt like crap for the most of it.. Lost Two jobs, barely attended uni, and have zero self esteem now.. Anyways getting a little off topic, so has anyone had similar anxiety related suicidal repetitive thoughts?

A Nervous Nigel.

[debs71]

Hi,

At my darkest time in 2003, when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I too had these kind of repetitive thoughts in my head about death and killing myself, but more driven by the fact that I felt horrendous and the anxiety in particular was scaring me senseless. It is like your brain's way of screaming to you 'I am REALLY not liking the way I am feeling right now', so these words pop into your head regularly. The most important thing though, is that you say you would not act on them, and please see that that is the positive in this situation. The thoughts are scary. The words are scary. But that is all they are...thoughts and feelings that are driven by anxiety and or depression.

Negativity and negative words, thoughts, low self-image and self-esteem...things like 'I'm worthless' are rife with dep/anxiety. Everything has a black cloud on it. Once this blackness lifts, so should those dark thoughts, but that does take treatment and therapy.

I am glad that you are seeking help, and wish you well.

[SarahH]

Hi Nervous Nigel,
I am sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment and glad you are seeing a psych tomorrow, I see you are quite news to NMP. We try not to use the "S" word on the forum as it can trigger some unhappy thoughts for many people. How tomorrow is helpful for you.

Sarah

[wabbit1]

Hi Nervous Nigel,
I am sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment and glad you are seeing a psych tomorrow, I see you are quite news to NMP. We try not to use the "S" word on the forum as it can trigger some unhappy thoughts for many people. How tomorrow is helpful for you.

Sarah


Personally I think that we should be able to use the word suicide as it is an issue. There is a massive difference between mentioning it and talking about how you would do it.

I can relate to your problems. I am going through a rough time at the moment including having to spend last night in A&E due to thoughts like that and taking more risks.

I feel I'm failing at everything, I just don't feel worth it but I gotta believe things will get better if I am going to keep on going.

I hope your appointment with a psychiatrist is usefu.

[Theuns]

In my case I know I have mentioned it once and strangely I feel sometimes it actually helps me to go through difficult times. If you are in a position like I am these days a lot, you cant sleep, only thing you see is debt, a unhappy wife, disappointed parents and the list goes on that is one thing that actually helps me to think about.

I know it sounds very strange but if I wake up at 3 and everything that makes me depressed is all around me, if I think about it and can say to myself, see....just try one more day, see what will happen and you can always if you fail change your mind. "see", I will say to myself "no one can take that away from you and the solution, however bad, will always be there". I don't think I will ever go that far but just to know... there is a way out should you need it makes it easier to continue. I think I would have totally lost my mind a long time ago if in some strange way, I did not have the final option in my own hands.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think you have spotted the difference between depression triggered and anxiety triggered and this is a thread for the OCD board. This comes under intrusive thoughts, which we all get, but these types are common to Pure O sufferers or those with various forms of OCD.

You notice the difference because its not an overwhelming emotional or symptom based state that is driving you to thinking it would all just end. With intrusive thoughts, they just pop in and then you react to them which causes the spiral. The trick is not to react and over time they become less frequent and intense but this can be very hard at first.

I had them. I would feel the urge to jump off a bridge on my walking routes, walk in front of traffic, etc. Now I am no longer affected by them because I have managed to stop my reaction. Sometimes I even laugh at them and they just float straight through. If I experience these thoughts now, they come from the depression side where I am cognitively thinking them because I have had enough of everything and these do bother me a great deal. I know with mine I had GAD for 4-5 years before my OCD started and thats when all this started.

Something to also remember is that there have been studies to show all people have intrusive thoughts, but they don't realise they do because they pass though in the blink of an eye without reaction. In the studies, they were advised how to spot them to prove this. They also don't experience them as frequent as anxiety disorder sufferers.

Another consideration with OCD is other underlying anxiety disorders. In my case, my GAD has always been underlying in a more severe way which just keeps the OCD running so by resolving elements of the GAD, I notice the OCD declines naturally and I can work on it with less blocking factors.

[A Nervous Nigel]

Thanks for all the replies!

I had my initial assessment yesterday, it was with a occupational therapist, had a good two hours talking to her, first time I've had the chance to talk about everythingggg! Felt good , she and her team are going to evaluate me over the Xmas period and get back to me.

I ended up going to my gp after, to sort my meds out for the Xmas, but wish I hadn't! I got the same gp that told me two years ago, when I was really depressed, that I wasn't depressed enough! She was like "I don't understand why you are on pregabalin , I've never met anybody who takes its for anxiety, its not prescribed for that ect." And when I mentioned that last week the other gp told me to research mirtazapine because it was something we could look to add she told me "no it would be instead , you wouldn't combine these, I've never met anybody who has" .. It was just her attitude , put me right back in to a bad uptight mood! Eventually I got her looking in that bnf book and she let me increase my pregabalin.. I will not be seeing her again tho lol.

Anyways the past couple of days the suicidal thoughts have reduced, I'm going to try really hard , so that when I have the thought pop in to my head, I immediately try think of something funny or happy, in the hope this might reduce the frequency of them occurring.. Its hard though!

Thanks again for your replies , they have helped! As I was having a really rough day! Sometimes feels good just to write out how you feel!

And wabbit , hope your OK! Feels awful doesn't it when you feel like your failing at life, but there is always next year for us to try change things round! And thoughts like these don't exactly help us to change our situation.. My mood seems to go all over the place making it hard to do or achieve anything! Stay safe, A Nervous Nigel

[MyNameIsTerry]

Just another idiotic GP. Pregabalin is clearly documented in NICE guidelines for anxiety when SSRI's do not work for people, I've read it! Combining SSRI's is also a known treatment as whilst they are in the same class of medication, they don't all work quite the same. I'm not sure on combination of Pregabalin though, I would have to check that but its clear your GP is not up to date with NICE guidelines published some years ago! Definately go back to the other one.

Use this place, write it down, have a rant, do whatever is needed to get through this difficult process...we've all been there and understand how bad it can feel. You just can't now how it feels without going through it with this stuff.

Mood swings do that to me. I find that sometime just getting on with things, often very very hard at the worst stages, can help it subside as you get on with some mundane tasks or routines that take your focus away from thinking about things.

Exercise can help too, especially being outside whilst doing it, even if its walking. Walk somewhere with some nature around you, like a park, it can help.

[wabbit1]

Hi, Nigel.

I've just read your latest comment. Sounds like you are taking some positive steps so well done.

Sounds like that GP is a bit useless.

Unfortunately 2 days after I replied to your comment I took a very significant overdose and ended up in hospital for 2 days :(. I've seen the effect that had on friends and family so I hope that will stop me doing it again.

[A Nervous Nigel]

Wabbit I'm sorry to hear that! I hope things can start to turn around for you soon!
Could I ask you what happened after you done that? Did you get to see a psychiatrist or crisis team?

I'm nervous about my psychiatrist assessment I had a week or two ago.. She said her team evaluate whether or not my case is serve enough for them to work with me, if not I will get passed on to counselling or something.. I so badly want to see a psychiatrist! My meds aren't working well and my doctor is running out of ideas! I'm at my lowest.. During my Christmas dinner all I could think about was death and suicide.. I'm becoming increasingly more bothered and tired of these thoughts! I'm not sure when suicidal thoughts become something you wish to act on.. But I feel I'm heading that way.. Strange.. I just don't enjoy anything.. I want to start reading more but I can't get in to any books or concentrate on them.. I hope I hear back soon. Something needs to change!

Terry, your right about exercise being important but I just don't seem to have any get up and go about me. Maybe I'm just lazy but its strange cos I want to do more! Luckily my housemate is changing gym in January to the one around the corner, he says if I join with him he will keep me motivated and make me go haha!

Although I don't drink to often, maybe ones per week, I'm going to try completely quit after I go to a new years eve party that I've been invited to! Hoping this might help as well, trying to make small changes , slowly , so I don't get overwhelmed with change!

[wabbit1]

Not much has happened, I just got treatment for the physical effects of the overdose. I've pretty much been abandoned. Out for dinner at the moment so I will explain more when I get a chance.

[Elen]

Personally I think that we should be able to use the word suicide as it is an issue. There is a massive difference between mentioning it and talking about how you would do it.

I can relate to your problems. I am going through a rough time at the moment including having to spend last night in A&E due to thoughts like that and taking more risks.

I feel I'm failing at everything, I just don't feel worth it but I gotta believe things will get better if I am going to keep on going.

I hope your appointment with a psychiatrist is usefu.
That is also my understanding of the rules on the site wabbit. Fine to talk about feeling suicidal but not to go into details or threaten to do it.

Nigel, it is possible that your thoughts are being worse by the meds so definitely worth discussing with your GP.

On a positive note they sound like fleeting urges rather than you seeing suicide as being the actual solution to your situation.

Keep talking if you can, you are most definitely not alone in feeling like this.

[FinnHelton]

Nervousness, anxiety and when the things doesn't go in your favor such thoughts do come but you need to be strong and face every condition with smile

[Catherine S]

So remember, just as you're about to jump off that bridge or swallow that bottle of pills...smile!

See? this is why it's not ok to ask for help on a forum that's supposed to only deal with panic and anxiety. My thoughts are, either have a designated area of the forum for people who feel the need to end it all with professional therapists on hand to help, or completely ban these kinds of threads...and before you jump on me just think about it...please. Because according to the rules of the forum, suicide is ok to talk about as long as the method isn't mentioned, well correct me if I'm wrong but one member on this thread had told us about taking an overdose of tablets and ended up in A&E, presumably getting a stomach pump? These people need help, serious professional help...agreed? Are we the people to give it? Really?

ISB x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Nobody on here is qualified ISB and even if they were, the owner has a legal responsibility and would need to have agreed any official work on their behalf.

These threads can be filtered, as can posts, by the mods to ensure that they are ok for public viewing.

This thread isn't quite so simple anyway as the OP mentions this is intrusive thoughts and wabbit1 did mention taking an overdose in the past tense rather than planning to take an overdose which she is already being monitored by a medical professional. The mods could choose to delete that but then they will have to do the same for the rest which will reduce the severity of their past issues.

It's discussing future methods that are an issue that will fit under the owners legal responsibilities which therapists also monitor to conform to mental health legislation.

However, it can also be side effects of medication so it can allow a more rational mind to pose the reality of the situation that prompts the poster to contact their GP or emergency service.

MrAndy recently raised a thread about having an ignore thread button on the admins board where this was discussed and NMP explained their stance on these threads so perhaps ask your sub forum question on there?

[wabbit1]

ISB, I recognise that I need professional help but I also need someone to listen. If it weren't for the understanding of people on the site I'm sure I would have been looking at more hospital admissions. There is a lot to be said for peer support. Also I've pretty much been ignored by professionals over the Christmas break because they were on holiday. 'Most' of the people on here know to an extent how I'm feeling so I know I can talk to them without being judged. Or at least I thought I did.

Also no, I didn't need my stomach pumped, I find the way you have written that very judgemental and incredibly unhelpful. I think you'll find I never mentioned what I took or how many I took which I could've told you.

[Elen]

Isb There are many threads I avoid for a variety of reasons simples.

Again there is a huge difference between discussing feelings and threatening to take action.

Being so judgemental is not helpful when people are already feeling fragile

[venusbluejeans]

*******TRIGGER********







There is a big difference between the 'suicidal' threads we allow on here and for a while we had that every thread with the word suicide in we reviewed before letting them on the site, let me see if I can explain......

I have suicidal thoughts, I am getting help but getting these thoughts.

The above threads are fine for the forum as hopefully some people may have had issues like these too and be able to help...... the threads where it is obvious that the OP knows these thoughts are wrong and are looking for reassurance.

I am about to take an overdose, I am am taking my life, I have taken an overdose, I am heading to the train station my life isn't worth Living...

The above threads are the ones that we would delete, it may seem harsh BUT we have to think of all of our members, and the dramatic statuses (many I do not think the poster would actually be doing anything) make members panic. they put additional pressure/worry on members who are already mentally ill who feel useless that they can not help these members.

When we delete these threads, we point the member towards the thread we have with all of the helpline numbers on it.

It is another reason we ask people to make their thread titles clear as to what they are asking, so if a person is triggered by a particular subject then they can avoid that particular thread

I hope this explains things a little.

[A Nervous Nigel]

I think you have spotted the difference between depression triggered and anxiety triggered and this is a thread for the OCD board. This comes under intrusive thoughts, which we all get, but these types are common to Pure O sufferers or those with various forms of OCD.


Hey Terry! I was just looking back over the post and wondered what you meant by Pure O Sufferers? And also I when I thought of someone with OCD I imagined it to be a person that turns the lights off and on so many times before leaving the room or washing their hands loads ect. But is this true? Is there other forms of OCD?

When I look back to my teenage life I actually did some things, which looking back would seem a bit OCDish.. Like if I hit my leg of a table I would have to do the same with my other leg twice then with the original leg after lol. And now I check the taps like 3 or 4 times before I leave the bathroom if I used the taps.. Little things like that which dont have a big effect on my life but still happens. Perhaps then if OCD can be in different forms, my suicidal thoughts could be linked in with that? I'm not sure. I dont know much about OCD.

What I am getting sick of is not being diagnosed with anything? I have been on anti depressants and pregabalin and propranolol, but not one single doctors has ever said 'oh you have major depressive disorder' or 'you have generalised anxiety disorder' or anything along those lines. I understand we may not even fit in to one single category but it would be nice to be told whats wrong with you before they give you medication or before they recommend therapy or counselling, because when I got referred to counselling they asked 'so whats up? and what do you want to get from this?' Well I dont know, what did my doctor say lol.

Its will be 2 weeks tomorrow since I had my psychiatrist (mental health) assessment, and I havent heard anything! I cant go to doctors as I am back home from uni for xmas period. I would have liked someone to ring me by now and just say what might happen next and ask if my circumstances have changed ect. I wish I could afford to go private but I would have to win the lottery before that happens!


These suicidal thoughts have been constant for a few months now.. but I remember a time before them.. I really hope that within a few months I can look back and think 'oh I haven't had a thought like that in a while'

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I was the same as you in how I thought of OCD before I started suffering with it because my view had been the typical one shown to us by the media. A lot of my issues also didn't fall into that narrow scope and if was only when I started searching the Internet that I leant more about it.

Pure O is where the distress comes from intrusive thoughts eg thoughts of being attracted to people you believe you shouldn't such as family members, children including your own, God, the same sex if you are straight or the opposite sex if you are gay. Other examples are such as thoughts to harm others, destructive analysing of relationships, and Magical Thinking where you do irrational counter processes in your head to prevent such as harm coming to others. Some can also be bad on religion and failing to satisfy ideals so that you seek some form of cleansing whether outward or inward.

These can also combine with outward rituals eg my Magical Thinking splits into two categories; 1) thinking of a family member in a bad light hence needing to 'cancel' the danger out with an outward touching ritual and 2) the sane but where I am touching an object so have to get the touch 'just right'. I have a lesser third one where I may have an image of someone I dislike so need to do the above but with someone I do like in my mind.

Combined with my other touching and checking ago day rituals, it was exhausting.

OCD is quite diverse. It's quite common to have eating dossiers disorders with it or OCD centred around food issues are even lesser known forms such as Sensorimotor OCD which is where you feel the need to control bodily functions, commonly blinking swallowing or breathing which can be distressing as it's a constant issue.

So, when I read your first post I didn't get the impression that you were feeling depressed to the point of taking action but were just getting her thoughts like a voice from your subconscious which is like intrusive thoughts (as long as its not a real voice that is) so could be OCD.

Its worth considering.

Your GP sounds like mine. He diagnosed me with anxiety then changed it to depression because of the mood swings from starting Citalopram and it took my relapse because be changed it then when he asked "is it more anxiety than depression? " and I replied "yes, it's always been anxiety! ". Even now OCD isn't on my notes despite feedback from the therapist be referred me to as she's said they weren't allowed top diagnose! I'm not fully sure how useful it is to very a property diagnosis if you can work with a specialist who can tell you anyway aside from perhaps choosing the right form of therapy if it means referrals to separate places.

They sound have told you when they will very back to you, always push for our you send up in the queue sometimes. If they don't respond, push your GP to chase them as they remain your primary care provider. It could be due to Christmas but its not like that places close like an office, its going to be that they reduce their services.

In terms of severity, have you been asked to fill in a risk assessment? If will ask questions like "do you feel life isn't worth living", "rate your willingness to end your life on a scale of 1-10", "have you considered how to do it", "what prevents you from doing it", etc. If you mark your willingness to do as very low, you will likely be considered low risk.

[Catherine S]

Just to clarify...I wasn't making any kind of judgement, only an observation. I do realise that people are in alot of mental pain when they ask for help, but unless they get absolute sympathy they immediately go on the defensive and think they're being judged...they're not. Of course the forum is geared up to give out a huge amount of sympathy, it's what it was created for but sometimes people need a bit of reality thrown in the mix too. We have to also allow people to have an opinion that may be different from our own. Take care.

ISB x