JustJules
17-12-14, 10:38
I am going to see the consultant tonight about ongoing bowel issues as I've already posted on here and of course, I have convinced myself it's cancer despite bloods being okay and dr assuring me relevant markers are not raised but because of past history of crohns many years ago, they have fast tracked me within the 14 day thing they do as they do with breast lumps etc.
My problem is, I really not coped with this latest episode of HA - my family think it's a bit of a joke but my daughter admitted this morning that I am dragging them all down with me and they are worried. I feel so guilty for doing this to them on top of everything else. I am also having to cope with my 83 year old lovely Mum single handedly who I brought home from hospital yesterday and then just literally sorted her out, made us some tea and then dashed the half hour journey home and I felt so guilty leaving her alone to cope but she is a coper, not like me. I genuinely feel I am going mad. I have never been in such a bad place. I have dragged myself to work but am sitting here on the brink of hysteria and I really don't know how to cope or what to do about it. I tried to talk to my OH this morning but he just says I am mental and that it's up to me to sort myself out as nobody else can do it for me....I know I can't go on like this and I have promised myself that if I haven't got bowel cancer to cope with and it's something treatable, then I will stop posting on here and go down the route of trying to just post or participate on the 'getting there slowly' thread instead. Forgive the ramblings, but I am in a very dark place at the moment and can't see a way out as people just think it's just a case of thinking positively and I haven't got one positive bone in my body and am just at the end of my tether with myself. I am on the list for counselling and on anti-depressants but it's not a quick enough fix for me...
I have lost about a stone now and can't eat and I wake up at 5am and then literally just shake my leg in bed and the other night I had scratched all my hand and made it bleed by just repetitive action to try and relieve the stuff in my head. I really have tried all the deep breathing, relaxation stuff to try and switch my mind off but I really am worried now that I am on the brink of just going nuts and waking up in a locked ward with no control and the pain it will cause my family....
My problem is, I really not coped with this latest episode of HA - my family think it's a bit of a joke but my daughter admitted this morning that I am dragging them all down with me and they are worried. I feel so guilty for doing this to them on top of everything else. I am also having to cope with my 83 year old lovely Mum single handedly who I brought home from hospital yesterday and then just literally sorted her out, made us some tea and then dashed the half hour journey home and I felt so guilty leaving her alone to cope but she is a coper, not like me. I genuinely feel I am going mad. I have never been in such a bad place. I have dragged myself to work but am sitting here on the brink of hysteria and I really don't know how to cope or what to do about it. I tried to talk to my OH this morning but he just says I am mental and that it's up to me to sort myself out as nobody else can do it for me....I know I can't go on like this and I have promised myself that if I haven't got bowel cancer to cope with and it's something treatable, then I will stop posting on here and go down the route of trying to just post or participate on the 'getting there slowly' thread instead. Forgive the ramblings, but I am in a very dark place at the moment and can't see a way out as people just think it's just a case of thinking positively and I haven't got one positive bone in my body and am just at the end of my tether with myself. I am on the list for counselling and on anti-depressants but it's not a quick enough fix for me...
I have lost about a stone now and can't eat and I wake up at 5am and then literally just shake my leg in bed and the other night I had scratched all my hand and made it bleed by just repetitive action to try and relieve the stuff in my head. I really have tried all the deep breathing, relaxation stuff to try and switch my mind off but I really am worried now that I am on the brink of just going nuts and waking up in a locked ward with no control and the pain it will cause my family....