View Full Version : Somewhere to remember & reflect upon friends & loved ones we have lost.....
I often find myself wishing there was someone or somewhere to share thoughts, reflections & memories about friends or family I have lost. People who meant so much to me but have passed away & are no longer here to enrich my life.
Because they might have come from my past, there aren't always people around now who knew them. So I long to talk about them, how good they made me feel. Things I see day to day that I'd have loved to share with them.
So many thoughts and feelings lost deep inside me, without a place to go. I am sure that's why their memory sometimes fills me with sadness - simply that I remember them but have no one to share my memories with.
I doubt I am the only one who feels compelled to share how it feels to be thinking about those I miss. Their warmth & the feelings of wholeness that they gave to me.
I thought..... rather than hold into those strong feelings & emotions .......
why not share my thoughts & experiences? Let others share here too...
Today I received news that a lady I've been exchanging letters with for decades, has sadly died. I got to know her through work & even though our paths didnt cross for that long in work, our friendship has lasted for decades. We never got to meet as we live miles apart but I will miss her letters. I always looked forward to her Christmas card.
There's another friend I always miss, particularly this time of year.
I worked with him for around 10 years & he was like a second dad to me. I'm always mindful of him at this time of year as we always met up. He treated me like royalty. I'm not always good at recognising my worth to others but I knew how much I meant to him & he made me feel special too. Such a lovely man :-)
I'd love to hear your reflections. Things you would have shared with friends & family alike. Not just about Christmas.... Any time of year. Anything really.
And..... I don't always feel sad when I think of friends & family passed.
Often I chuckle about things we did or said that were daft.
It isn't all sad .... And it's good to share
:-)
This is such a nice idea. I always feel like I don't have many places to talk about how great my mom was and how much I miss her.
This weekend we were playing a game with friends kind of like password and the answer was Barbara Streisand ... she was my mom's favorite singer of all time and it just made me think of her. She always sang Oh Holy Night at church on Christmas Eve and it became a tradition for our church. She had a beautiful voice.
Tessar, I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing away. Sometimes we are closer with people who live miles away than those right next door - I'm sure people on this thread can attest to that. It's nice to hear about your friend from work as well. We really need to hold onto the memories of those special people who made us feel worthwhile too. They gave us a gift more than they could imagine.
Thanks for starting this, Tessar. It's a really great idea. Sometimes I feel badly talking about my mom because it makes people sad, but sometimes they are good memories too and I smile thinking about them. Glad I can share here.
:hugs:
Thanku swgrl :-) its good to hear u talk about your mom. I look forward to hearing more about her. I found myself thinking bout my friend today. She was 80 .... I knew last Christmas she wasn't well.... So although it wasn't a surprise as such, I am surprised how sad it made me feel. But I am lucky to have had her friendship. I need to find some new friends now :-)
What a great Post, Tessar.
I don't know why, but this time of the year seems to bring the loss of loved ones to the surface. People you loved, should not be forgotten anyway, but it is sometimes difficult to express the way that you feel or get the feelings out somewhow.
So, this is a great idea. :hugs:
Great thread Tessar. I lost 2 of my best friends and one was just before Christmas, I always think about them more around this time of year. This year I had some special decorations made for my tree for them with their names on. (A suggestion from my therapist :) ).
What a good idea, Annie .....
unsure_about_this
26-12-14, 21:45
Christmas 1998, my Dad lost his father a couple of days before Christmas, and we always had his parents up Boxing Day for lunch, we nearly lost his mum a couple of days later but we took action to phone for an ambulance, but sadly she died in summer 2000.
January 2009 My Great Nan died so from Christmas 2009 (my mum side and us have done our own thing for Christmas Day), The last time we have a meal all together was for my Uncle's wedding in summer 2009.
My mum lost her proper Dad in 2010.
Gosh Unsure_about_this that is so much loss in your life .... It really leaves a hole doesn't it? Also the timings of these loved ones passing away must make this a very poignant time of year for you and your family?
It sounds like you have some very happy memories of your Grandad. My nan used to look after me when my parents worked and I was very close to her. She died from liver cancer. I am sure your grandad would be very proud of you and he will have cherished those times he spent with you. It is good that we have these memories so that we always have a piece of our loved ones in our hearts.
Yes this is a good thread Tessar,
My G/daughter gave me a book for Xmas.
It is for me to write -for her about my life from birth to present day.
I have to give it back to her at the end of this year.
I have started to write in it, but it is hard, and it has brought back
memories of so many people that are not here anymore.
But I want my G/daughter to know about them all.xxx
That's such a nice idea, Magic. It does sound hard and emotional, but it will be something she will treasure.
Magic my son bought me a similar book a few years ago. I completed it and gave it back to him such a lovely idea.
This is a wonderful sentiment, Tessar. I'd like to take a moment to remember my late cat, Louie. She wasn't a person, but I loved her immensely and she was my best friend. I miss her meow, I miss the smell of her fur, and I miss her company. She's a wild cat running free now, which she would be pretty darn happy about that, given her independent soul and love of the great outdoors.
Its so good to hear everyone's stories. whether it's people or animals, Having had a meaningful connection to another living being..... its the loss of companionship i find the hardest part to bear.
Something I often remind people of is that the special times spent with their good friends, or loved family member, those memories are still there even though the person is gone. The relationship you shared & how much it meant to you both... That is still there. Even though your 'beloved' is no longer there to share future good times with..... Nothing will ever change the experiences you had with them. They are there forever, with you & in your mind.
---------- Post added at 18:26 ---------- Previous post was at 18:25 ----------
anthrokid.... Louie is up there in kitty heaven with my many special kitties. They all run around together, chasing mice. Each of them has a lovely warm bed to curl up in at night, dreaming of chasing more mice.
i have read posts from many others on NMP who have spoken of their beloved animal friends they have lost. It's equally as hard whether a bereavement is human, feline or canine ..... It still hurts to lose a friend.
---------- Post added at 18:53 ---------- Previous post was at 18:26 ----------
Magic; as annie says, the book from your G/daughter really is a lovely idea.
I can appreciate why it would be hard. It isn't easy is it when something brings back memories.
I lost an aunt to cancer around 15yrs ago. She was only 55. Even though i found it difficult to relate to her when i was growing up, as an adult I had begun building a really good relationship with her. We discovered things we had in common & she showed me respect as a person. I do feel denied because i really felt we had so much to do together & to share. I often find myself doing something I might well have spent time doing with her.
her death deeply affected my parents. Looking back I can see how it took away hope & enjoyment in their lives. Rather than dwelling on these thoughts (which could be very depressing if I let them) instead I try to use this as the impetus to make the most of opportunities I have to do things in life. It may well be I cannot share with my aunt but I can still be mindful of her & "share" in mind even if not in reality.
The book is a great idea, magic. You can chronicle things & express yourself. the people you miss & relationships you still wanted to nurture (but were unable) can remain a reality. There in black & white. It is also really good to see your granddaughter is interested in your family and you in particular.
---------- Post added at 19:14 ---------- Previous post was at 18:53 ----------
DeadManWalking; I love hearing you talk about your granddad. He sounds like a man of strong principle. I relate to your anger about losing him to cancer. i imagine you would feel denied of a good person, with whom you had anticipated sharing many more good times in the future?
From what you said it is no surprise to me you would share a strong bond with my nan & granddad. i like how you describe your grandfather as not knowing laziness nor charity. So good too that this quality has rubbed off onto your dad & in turn to you. I agree it is the best way to be.
In terms of wishing to repay him & show your love for him .... this comes in many shapes & forms. doesn't have to be a measurable achievement as such.
For instance..... it is good to hear you speak so highly of him. this is part of that repayment as is living your life well & having absorbed his strong principles.... Again these are indications that he is part of you, so in that way... He lives in inside you. For these reasons i feel he would indeed be proud of you.
Hi everyone, I am struggling a bit with the loss of my Dad.
The thing is, that we were not close at all and he never told me that he loved me or hugged me or anything like that, so I never felt any Love. (In fact it was not a good relationship at all!). But, I can't stop thinking about him, I have so many questions to ask and it's too late now. The House is not the same without him and Mum has changed too.
Does anyone have any tips on how to release the thoughts so that I am more at Peace. (I am also living with the Guilt that I was not with him at the end).
So, sorry to be morbid, but I would really appreciate any help from anyone that has experienced similar to this.
Carnation, you aren't being morbid at all. I started seeing a counsellor after my brother died. Only then did i realise, when someone dies that you had issues with, it can be much harder to come to terms with. It brings up so many thoughts & questions. I suppose not having the person there to answer the questions makes it more difficult.
There are two things you say that strike me.
First that you feel guilty for not being there at the end.
From my angle, how you describe your father as never saying he loved you or giving you a hug...... he didn't exactly endear himself towards you. He didn't impart a sense of comfort or belonging. So I feel why feel guilty?
That having been said, I sense why you would feel guilty & relate to where you are coming from. most of my life i felt inadequate, unloved & yes ... often guilty. these things were projected onto me by my parents & family. as a child, I couldn't see I was anything but inadequate & that I deserved to be loved. I know now that I didn't need to feel guilty either even though I was made to feel that way.
The second thing that struck me is about not being able to ask him those "questions" now.
I always thought the loss of someone you don't have a good relationship with wouldn't pose an issue. they'd be no loss & what is there to miss? That is how i always assumed it worked. Til my brother died.
Also..... I wonder (if u dont mind me asking) when your father was alive, did you feel compelled to talk to him about his lack of affection towards you?
Going back to what I mentioned above, when someone you have issues with dies, it raises many thoughts, feelings & memories. These lead to those damned questions. And how do you answer them?
in my case I went to see a counsellor. I knew that if I didn't it was going to eat me alive. It's taken a while to work through it all & it wasn't easy but Finally I am shot of all that crap from my past. I can't change how my past shaped me but unpicking it all & seeing how my family were unfair to me, it has set me free. Free to be myself. i am glad I tackled this all head on.
carnation, but I do recommend speaking to someone, i feel you have two choices....
(1) muddle through, avoid stirring up the past & hope it goes away
(2) go down the talking therapy route, work through the thoughts/memories & feelings that come up.
Sorry to ramble on.....but I seem to have so much to say. It isnt always easy to face the past but the way I look at it is this..... I would much rather pump my energy into dealing with my feelings. this might prove difficult but it's better to put energy into resolving matters.
If you carry on & don't deal with lingering thoughts/questions, they most probably won't go away & will continue to bother you. Striving to deal with, Whatever the outcome, your energy has gone into something constructive.
Meantime, I'd suggest writing about how you feel. That has really helped me. It doesn't have to be structured but an help to alleviate some of your angst.
Sending you hugs my friend, really not an easy situation to find yourself.
keep on posting on the forum too as i am sure that will help you as well. Xxxx
Tessar, thank you for sparing the time to put in to perspective how I am actually feeling. And, the answer is NO, we never discussed the topic of affection or in fact anything personal. I always felt unwanted, in the way and a total disappointment. I have spent most my Life trying to please and impress my Parents and have totally failed.(Even though I have landed myself some fabulous jobs and achieved some great stuff in Life). It didn't matter, I couldn't do anything right and spent most of my time on my own or out of the house. But, saying all of that, he was still my Father and I respected him in a lot of ways.
I do have a Therapist and we have touched on this subject with his passing and my childhood/growing up. I have dealt with some of the issues, but I am still struggling with the loss and guilt.
You see, I should have been there. He would be telling me off for not going. And, Mum reminds me enough times, that he was alone at the end.
At that time I was just coming out of the peak of my Anxiety and just the news alone that my Dad was not going to make it, broke me down in to an uncontrollable heap of nothing. I did manage to cope with arranging all of the Funeral stuff and I really don't know how I gained the strength to do that, but I did.
During the last few months looking after my Dad with Parkinson's Disease was EXREMELY difficult for as I had to show a lot of Love and care for someone who never did when I was growing up. I did it, because it was the right thing to do and because I was his Daughter. But, it was hard, really hard and it took it out of me emotionally. So, I know that I should not feel guilty, because I was there for him, even though he was not there for me in my times of woe. And, I am now doing the same for my Mum, which is just as hard, if not harder. But, I feel like I am haunted all of the time by this feeling of guilt and closure. I want to remember him with just the memories, as this Thread is for that, but I just feel like a torture soul. I suppose I am seeking forgiveness and peace and as it has been 9 months now, I thought I would feel better. But, I don't.
So, sorry everyone for being gloomy, but just typing this all out on here relieves some of the burden I carry around with me. I know I have to sort this out my way and in my own time, and thank you again Tessar, you are always so supportive and a great friend. (As they say you can choose your friends, but not your Family).
I always have time for friends, carnation & thank you. It doesn't surprise me that you hadn't broached the subject with your father. Well, I do find your situation resonating with me. If you are able, talking to your therapist about these matters will be helpful I am sure. It's a case of offloading so much burden. Going through these matters & getting them out of your head & dealt with really will help you. Indeed he was your dad no matter what. It's difficult isnt it. You put so much hard work into the situation. Many wouldnt, not after the way you've been treated. You are a good person. Kind & caring. Thank you for your kind words about me, I do appreciate them a great deal. It can take time but you can get there :-)
Some 20 odd years ago my uncle passed away today. He was the youngest of my mothers siblings & it really hit her hard. He was a lovely fun person to be around. He & his family lived quite a way away from us so I didn't really see them that often but I know of he had lived on, I would have seen more of him once I learned to drive and was freely mobile. I just wanted to mark the day as it were. I am mindful of him today in a nice way. "He was the business" as people say.
Thinking of you, Tessar, and your uncle. Sounds like he was a great guy. There are a couple family members I lost and would have loved to have known better now as an adult. I think about that a lot.
One of my aunts died relatively young as well swgrl & like you say i also would have loved to have known her better now as an adult. i was just getting to know her properly after a shaky start (i didnt like her when i was growing up). but into my adulthood things changed & she mellowed. Sometimes when I'm doing things she was interested in, it reminds me of her.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.