Throughoutly
23-12-14, 17:35
Hello,
So .. I don't really know where to start cause to be completely honest, this has gone far too long from where it should have ended.
My problem started when I was 18 years old (now I am 23) a senior in high school, I was very much a happy person and full of life. But, in that particular year I went through a lot of stress that resulted in me thinking that I was going to die by a heart attack. All it took was for me to just imagine that thought and ever since it was a slippery slope for me. During that time I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything at all, I couldn't even go out of my house cause I was too scared something will happen to me. My life was a literal hell and I didn't know how to stop. Eventually, I overcame that fear and I moved on to university and I was fine for a couple of years. Until I started getting that random fear again.
This time, it was about sleeping. I was so scared that I couldn't sleep, and of course because I was scared out of my mind, I couldn't get a night rest of sleep. I thought that I had some terrible sleep disorder and I would never be able to sleep again (silly I know), and despite me being rational with myself and telling myself what a silly thought it is, it never helped. It went on and on, I got depressed and hated my life, it was so insufferable. However, like the fear of getting a panic attack, it had gone away with time.
Now, I have a minor issue with my eye. No pain, no redness, no nothing, its just a small discomfort that I could easily just ignore if I had a different mentality. I am just so sick of it, no matter how much I ration with my thoughts, they never seem to stop annoying me and making my life so miserable. I am afraid that because of this eye issue I won't be able to work efficiently or play video games, which is totally stupid because I could definitely still do that, its just my brain won't get it. I am so afraid to go to work now, or fire up my favorite game, its making me feel like I have some sort of disability which is totally ridiculous!! I know these fears always target the things that are important to me or dear to me, I know its all in my head, but I just can't get my mind off of it and I am tired of this.
I tried all advice regarding dealing with worry and anxiety, I really did. But they only worked for a little while, then back to hell I go. My family won't take me seriously anymore because it had become a pattern with me, they are also tired of how little control do I have over my mind. They often scold me about it, and tell me other people have it worse and can still live a normal life. But my stupid mind won't get it!!
I really miss how I was before this started, I wanna go back to who I was, the happy, rational, and smart person I have always been. I hate who I am now, I don't want this thing to define me, I wanna beat it and live happily but I feel so hopeless. Every-time something minor happens to me, I completely blow it out of proportion, its so frustrating.
So .. I don't really know where to start cause to be completely honest, this has gone far too long from where it should have ended.
My problem started when I was 18 years old (now I am 23) a senior in high school, I was very much a happy person and full of life. But, in that particular year I went through a lot of stress that resulted in me thinking that I was going to die by a heart attack. All it took was for me to just imagine that thought and ever since it was a slippery slope for me. During that time I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything at all, I couldn't even go out of my house cause I was too scared something will happen to me. My life was a literal hell and I didn't know how to stop. Eventually, I overcame that fear and I moved on to university and I was fine for a couple of years. Until I started getting that random fear again.
This time, it was about sleeping. I was so scared that I couldn't sleep, and of course because I was scared out of my mind, I couldn't get a night rest of sleep. I thought that I had some terrible sleep disorder and I would never be able to sleep again (silly I know), and despite me being rational with myself and telling myself what a silly thought it is, it never helped. It went on and on, I got depressed and hated my life, it was so insufferable. However, like the fear of getting a panic attack, it had gone away with time.
Now, I have a minor issue with my eye. No pain, no redness, no nothing, its just a small discomfort that I could easily just ignore if I had a different mentality. I am just so sick of it, no matter how much I ration with my thoughts, they never seem to stop annoying me and making my life so miserable. I am afraid that because of this eye issue I won't be able to work efficiently or play video games, which is totally stupid because I could definitely still do that, its just my brain won't get it. I am so afraid to go to work now, or fire up my favorite game, its making me feel like I have some sort of disability which is totally ridiculous!! I know these fears always target the things that are important to me or dear to me, I know its all in my head, but I just can't get my mind off of it and I am tired of this.
I tried all advice regarding dealing with worry and anxiety, I really did. But they only worked for a little while, then back to hell I go. My family won't take me seriously anymore because it had become a pattern with me, they are also tired of how little control do I have over my mind. They often scold me about it, and tell me other people have it worse and can still live a normal life. But my stupid mind won't get it!!
I really miss how I was before this started, I wanna go back to who I was, the happy, rational, and smart person I have always been. I hate who I am now, I don't want this thing to define me, I wanna beat it and live happily but I feel so hopeless. Every-time something minor happens to me, I completely blow it out of proportion, its so frustrating.