gabrielsaul
24-12-14, 14:34
This is the first time I've written my story in full detail. Here goes.
I had a terrible experience with LSD a few years back. It was awful. I took too much and ended up in what they call a "hole" of sorts, and it was physically debilitating. I can remember everything. Even talking about it makes me think it's going to happen again. Even thinking about it does, even though I truly believe it can't or won't.
Anyway, that sentence was harrowing to write for me. So I'll move on to when everything started turning into panic and confusion.
I had relapses, real physical ones. They meant that I lost control of my body and had lesser hallucinations in comparison to the first "trip". I had them under the influence of drugs, such as cannabis, MDMA, speed etc. (seeing as I hadn't wised up yet, but I ASSURE you that I have now). I had one at the next party, then one after that, one sitting at a park bench and one at a festival.
Then one day I was sitting in my garden, smoking a cigarette (another vice that I gave up) and I imagined the sensation of this "relapse" or "trip" and I felt like it was going to happen again. Bam. Fear, panic, disaster. I lost sense of reality. I threw my cigarette and ran upstairs. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I had never experienced this before. That's when my world changed. I couldn't stop thinking about it happening. It took control. I had immense panic and even complete conviction that I was going to be lost in this trip every time I thought of it. I developed a fear of crowds and hubbub (as this mirrored an aspect of the trip/relapse). I couldn't go to shopping centers. I couldn't leave my house. I even had severe panic attacks in my bed that resulted in me jumping into my bed, pulling the covers close to my chest and staring at mundane cartoons on my laptop. I felt as if the world wasn't real and this trip was the be-all and end-all of experience and it just hadn't trapped me yet. Through all of this, I still had a core belief that life was life as normal. I tried to convince myself, but the panic and delusion was winning. I had derealisation and I felt entirely separated from my family and friends. I had full conviction that it was out to get me. It was terrible.
The thing is, this was four years ago or so. I got out of it around the end of last year. Somehow. I started working. I went out socializing. I started exercising. Alcohol was very helpful (a good evil, I know) and it enabled me to shut down the negative thought processes that plagued me. I met my girlfriend, who I fell in love with and shared these experiences with (not in so much detail, which is why this such a huge achievement for me). Life seemed to go back to normal, with maybe occasional flecks of old thoughts.
Stupidly (and I mean monumentally stupidly) I lost track of how fragile my mind actually was. I started drinking more because of work (retail this time of year) and smoking regularly. I took some MD at a club and freaked out (I think my brain tried to think I was having a relapse when I was simply panicking). So I ran home, slept it off and went to work the next day. Unfortunately, this experience led to the old memories of the first trip more fresh. So it plagued me again. I've debilitated from that day onwards. I tried my best to stop it. I drank nothing but water, peppermint tea and chamomile tea. No smoking. No drinking. The thoughts are still there and I've gone from a functioning person at work to someone freaking out in their bedroom again.
I know I can get to the same place before. And this time, I will definitely not lose sight of the fragility of my brain. No more drugs. No cigarettes. Not even caffeine or sugar. I just needed to share this whole thing with someone. I can copy and paste it now so I don't have to tell it again. I'm thinking of starting CBT in the new year. I'm going to exercise and try go out (even if it kills me).
Otherwise, that's me. I've had several jolts of panic through writing this but I'm glad I did. I'm Gabriel and I'm going through my second bout of panic ridden hell based on memories because of stupid drug use. I'll get out of it somehow, no matter how much I cry and worry. If you guys have any advice for me, that'd be great.
Nice to meet you. I'm doing everything I can this time.
Thank you so much for reading.
GS
I had a terrible experience with LSD a few years back. It was awful. I took too much and ended up in what they call a "hole" of sorts, and it was physically debilitating. I can remember everything. Even talking about it makes me think it's going to happen again. Even thinking about it does, even though I truly believe it can't or won't.
Anyway, that sentence was harrowing to write for me. So I'll move on to when everything started turning into panic and confusion.
I had relapses, real physical ones. They meant that I lost control of my body and had lesser hallucinations in comparison to the first "trip". I had them under the influence of drugs, such as cannabis, MDMA, speed etc. (seeing as I hadn't wised up yet, but I ASSURE you that I have now). I had one at the next party, then one after that, one sitting at a park bench and one at a festival.
Then one day I was sitting in my garden, smoking a cigarette (another vice that I gave up) and I imagined the sensation of this "relapse" or "trip" and I felt like it was going to happen again. Bam. Fear, panic, disaster. I lost sense of reality. I threw my cigarette and ran upstairs. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I had never experienced this before. That's when my world changed. I couldn't stop thinking about it happening. It took control. I had immense panic and even complete conviction that I was going to be lost in this trip every time I thought of it. I developed a fear of crowds and hubbub (as this mirrored an aspect of the trip/relapse). I couldn't go to shopping centers. I couldn't leave my house. I even had severe panic attacks in my bed that resulted in me jumping into my bed, pulling the covers close to my chest and staring at mundane cartoons on my laptop. I felt as if the world wasn't real and this trip was the be-all and end-all of experience and it just hadn't trapped me yet. Through all of this, I still had a core belief that life was life as normal. I tried to convince myself, but the panic and delusion was winning. I had derealisation and I felt entirely separated from my family and friends. I had full conviction that it was out to get me. It was terrible.
The thing is, this was four years ago or so. I got out of it around the end of last year. Somehow. I started working. I went out socializing. I started exercising. Alcohol was very helpful (a good evil, I know) and it enabled me to shut down the negative thought processes that plagued me. I met my girlfriend, who I fell in love with and shared these experiences with (not in so much detail, which is why this such a huge achievement for me). Life seemed to go back to normal, with maybe occasional flecks of old thoughts.
Stupidly (and I mean monumentally stupidly) I lost track of how fragile my mind actually was. I started drinking more because of work (retail this time of year) and smoking regularly. I took some MD at a club and freaked out (I think my brain tried to think I was having a relapse when I was simply panicking). So I ran home, slept it off and went to work the next day. Unfortunately, this experience led to the old memories of the first trip more fresh. So it plagued me again. I've debilitated from that day onwards. I tried my best to stop it. I drank nothing but water, peppermint tea and chamomile tea. No smoking. No drinking. The thoughts are still there and I've gone from a functioning person at work to someone freaking out in their bedroom again.
I know I can get to the same place before. And this time, I will definitely not lose sight of the fragility of my brain. No more drugs. No cigarettes. Not even caffeine or sugar. I just needed to share this whole thing with someone. I can copy and paste it now so I don't have to tell it again. I'm thinking of starting CBT in the new year. I'm going to exercise and try go out (even if it kills me).
Otherwise, that's me. I've had several jolts of panic through writing this but I'm glad I did. I'm Gabriel and I'm going through my second bout of panic ridden hell based on memories because of stupid drug use. I'll get out of it somehow, no matter how much I cry and worry. If you guys have any advice for me, that'd be great.
Nice to meet you. I'm doing everything I can this time.
Thank you so much for reading.
GS