Angry with myself...

[snowflake293]

Hi all

I know I have posted a lot recently and in the last few weeks I have diagnosed myself with skin cancer, sinus/nasal cancer and now I am worried about bladder/vagina/vulva cancer! As well as this is am constantly worrying about partner and my family (all this started when my Mom had breast cancer 2 and a half years ago) my Mom is fine now thank God but I just can't let go of my fear.

I feel like I am annoying all my family and friends and pushing my partner away. I am having CBT and will be starting high intensity CBT soon. I am on 50mg Sertraline that I started 2 weeks ago but I am still obsessing over every tiny lump, bump, sensation - and it is getting WORSE.

I am just so mad at myself for feeling this way - why can't I just get on and enjoy my life instead of wasting all this time worrying? I am totally obsessed with my body/symptoms/illnesses and have intrusive thoughts over death/dying which really disturb me. I am getting help for it but I am just at my wits end today.

Has anyone else had this particular feeling of being angry at yourself over your health anxiety?

Snowflake x

[nicolag84]

BIG HUGS xxxx

[cpe1978]

Abso-blooming-lutely I think it is very natural. Try not to blame or get angry. Anxiety is no less a serious condition than any physical ailment.

[snowflake293]

Thanks guys. It means a lot that I can come here for support.

I am just so tired of it now. I can almost hear an inner monologue, sensible me is saying "just calm down, it is the end of a UTI and you are bound to feel a bit sore" but the scared, irrational and worried me is like "this is not normal and you will have cancer and die" so it is hard knowing what to believe.

Distracting myself by doing some cooking and might put a bathroom cabinet together in a bit lol.

[wnsos]

You can come and clean for me if you like, that'll get your mind off things. :winks: :hugs: Absolutely normal to be angry and frustrated. Like Chris said, try not to get too worked up with yourself for it cos it's not your fault. It's really hard but it's also, sometimes you reach breaking point and end up feeling sick of feeling worried and it makes it a tiny bit better. Every step is one forward.

[susie1]

It is normal to feel angry. I wrote a thread earlier in frustration because no one had replied and I felt frustrated and angry with myself for letting my fear get the better of me once again. Then someone replied and I felt better just for the response. HA is a debilitating illness and like was said in the previous thread - one step forward at a time.IT CAN get better.

[almamatters]

Hi Snowflake, I often feel angry at how controlled I sometimes am by HA, but the feeling I get the most is, utter embarrassment. I can't look several GP's at my practice in the face because of my behaviour in the past. It can and does improve and I hope you are feeling better soon. xx

[snowflake293]

Thanks for all the lovely replies folks :hugs:

Have had a really horrible day with it, been distracting myself but have this underlying fear I am going to need more tests because of my soreness down there and I hate tests. I hate waiting in the Drs waiting room even though I am there at least 3 times a week with different problems at the moment. I feel embarrassed too :weep: I just hate it all so much!

I am most worried about how it is impacting on my relationship as at the moment I am feeling so grouchy over it I am being horrible to my fella. He is a good 'un bless him and he has been through HA himself and gets it but I feel like I am pushing him away :weep:

I am just so worried about this one thing at the moment and I KNOW it is most likely the tail end of a bladder infection with thrush due to the antibiotics, but cause I saw a nurse who did a wee test today and said the infection was gone I am panicking! She also said I need to see my GP if it continues about a wee sample that was sent to the lab before Christmas and if the burning and soreness doesn't go away my GP could refer me to a urologist! All this stuff rings alarm bells for me and I hate it more than anything.

I wish I could just think straight and look at things 'normally' if that makes sense. I am really at my wits end with it today. Never really felt 'depressed' with my HA before, normally just really on edge, shaky, lots of emotions etc... but today I feel properly hopeless.

Just want to get married and settle down, have kids etc... and scared that I will end up either dying young of cancer, or having something wrong which means I can't have a baby or I worry my anxiety will get worse and worse and I won't be able to function.

Sorry for the huge rant, just wanted to get it all off my chest.

Thanks for listening guys, I can't tell you how much you are all helping me at the moment.

Big hugs xxxx