Total insomnia - panic and self-doubt

[NE21 worrier]

This is a stream of consciousness.

I've not slept all the way through the night. Not a wink. I'm feeling very panicky. I know from experience that this will pass - but this knowledge is not making the present feel any easier.

I've had a heavy cold the last few days and this seems to have made me vulnerable to a panic attack. The attacks have taken full advantage of all of my self-doubts. I am meant to go to work today, and then I am meant to go to a New Years party. I don't think I can do either but I don't want to let anyone down. The weight of expectation in my personal and social life seems to weigh heavy upon me :sad:

[Annie0904]

Having a cold will disrupt sleep and increase anxiety. I am the same at the moment and I start work at 9:30 then supposed to be at a party tonight. I would rather stay in bed :(. I hope we manage to get through the day Peter.

[NE21 worrier]

Took 2x 2mg diazepam at around 6am and got my first sleep at about 7am but then woke up and was sick in my room bin at 7.45am as I didn't have the energy to get out of bed. At least it didn't go on the floor or the sheets. Not sure if I was sick from anxiety, exhaustion, a bug, or a combination of all three but I still feel very phlegmy and nauseous now.

Slept again 8-9.30am. Called work and took the day off - they were very fair about it as I had struggled in yesterday. Not sure what to do about tonight, can't even think that far ahead but I can't see me going. Parents normally go to my aunt's in Berwick but I think that's getting cancelled as they don't want to leave me sick at home alone.

I'm worried the sickness is "just" anxiety and I should be coping better but I know for sure I've got a virus as I don't normally feel as bad as this at all - I've had ENT issues all week and also had chills and flushes. I'm absolutely devoid of energy, almost at the stage of not wanting to get out of bed for a tenner - the apocryphal difference between a cold and the flu, apparently.

And yet, because I'm feeling so rubbish, sleep still does not seem to be coming so easily :sad:

[MrAndy]

If you don't feel well enough don't go,you don't have to force yourself to do things
Hope you feel better soon

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks Andy.

I've got a really dry cough which doesn't seem to be shifting anything. I don't know if my chest and throat are tight from anxiety or phlegm or both - or even if the phlegm at this stage is being produced by anxiety. It's New Year's Eve and I'm a total mess.

[IrishLondon]

Hey mate

I totally feel your pain about insomnia. I get it really bad sometimes, and worry about it a lot, which makes it even harder to sleep.

What I have found though is that it always passes. You might not sleep one night, maybe not even two nights in a row, but your body will take sleep when it needs it. It's so difficult to not worry I know because it makes you feel so rubbish but just let your body rest, let nature take its course and sleep will come.

Ryan

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks for that Ryan,

I've caught up on a little sleep now but I'm still feel very stuffed up. Worst though, I've got a really low mood and have just finished five minutes or so of unrelenting tears.

I think I know this is not true and it's all catastrophic thinking but I've got a pang of guilt that I've totally ruined New Years Eve. I'm not able to see my friends, who I was looking forward to seeing at a house party - while my mum is on the phone right now cancelling her annual NYE visit to her sister in Berwick so that she can look after me :weep:

[Annie0904]

It sounds to me like you have a virus and the virus is increasing your anxiety. I would advise staying home and catching up on sleep and rest. Maybe take some vitamins (berocca is very good).
I hope you feel better soon.
As a Mother myself I would feel much happier staying home if one of mine was ill so don't feel guilty :)

[scrog80]

if you look at all the questions on the gp survey to gauge anxiety/stress they ask about sleep, stress , feelings and so on all go together with anxiety in my opinion its all a pretty simular thing i never sleep when im stressed. mirtazapine is ace for sleeping if you don't mind putting on 20 stone :)

[NE21 worrier]

I definitely need something! I'm 6ft tall and weigh 9.5st so putting on some weight wouldn't be a bad idea tbh. Things work differently for different people, though.

I've just had another little breakdown, I'm overwhelmed by guilt that my parents' Berwick trip has been cancelled. I think I want them to go and want to go with them and it's not too late - but I'm not sure I want this because I feel guilty or because I truly want it.

---------- Post added at 17:29 ---------- Previous post was at 15:50 ----------

UPDATE

Everyone might think I'm a bit mad - as I'm still feeling pretty awful - but I'm going to Berwick with the parents.

I want to do something, I always do something and - even if it's not my original plan to spend the evening with friends (who will understand) - this panic/anxiety is simply not beat me that easily.

Happy bloody New Year everyone.