Chanelle
08-01-07, 22:49
It's abit long but please read. Any advice is fantastic. It's copy and pasted from my diary.
it all kicked off on my flight to australia with quantas airlines. me being the spontanious fool I am, got a phone call off my brother, say on a tuesday.. and I was in australia the following friday?! anyways, I have always been a fantastic flyer if I do say so myself. flew alone to america when I was 16. I suppose I hadn't done drugs though at that age. in a nutshell, I started to panic at heathrow airport, then the following 24hours was sheer hell. I felt like my head was about to implode. I drank shandys but with a lack of lemonade in them to force myself to sleep.
once I arrived in australia all was dandy. unfortunetly the flight made me super ill for the first week. flu like symptoms. I blame the two 5yr old kids I was forced to sit next to throughout the whole flight. tip: never try and get an upgrade to business class. they say they'll get you even better seats, and shabam, look where you're sat.. plenty of leg room but at the front of the plane where the baby cots are. woo! back to the story..
I started to 'lose my mind' a little bit when I was there. not in a psychotic way, or I like to think not. that kick started after 2weeks? after my fiance cheated on me. I found out through msn from my friend hailey. it broke my heart. so far away. no one to comfort me. and worst of all, my fiance couldn't remember a ****ing thing so I had to tell her everything. it all went down hill from there.
I was panicking all the time. hot and cold flushes. feeling faint. lack of appetite. crazy thoughts. wanting to throw myself off the balcony of my apartment. a thought in the back of my mind constantly telling me to do so. 3weeks had gone by and I had enough. I rang the airline and booked a flight for the next day. I couldn't cope. if I had stayed, I'd probably be dead now.
the flight back, safe to say was again, a ****ing nightmare. alone. head feeling like it's about to implode. in sydney airport I was actually so scared to get back on the flight that I thought I would never get home.
finally back in the uk.. "yeah I'll be okay now. back home. my friend's. none of this anxiety feeling." how wrong.
time went on and my panic attacks got worse. felt like I was going die. lump in throat. palpitations. restless. worst feeling ever imaginable.
since october I have had them every week. I'm now on anti depressants. it has also gotten worse. I now can't eat. oneday I was tucking into a fab pasta salad. I remember one piece went down the wrong hole, coughed, came back up as it always does.. but a panic attack kick started. ever since I have had a fear of choking; so therefor cannot bring myself to eat solids. even though I want to eat so bad, I really cannot do it. scares the hell out of me. since early november all I have lived on is banana complan and tomato soup. I'm now having the odd bit of smash (mash potato in a bag).. but it's still a pain. I feel like something is lodged in my throat. I also feel like I cannot swallow. my anti depressants are liquid drops as I cannot swallow tablets.
I see no escape what so ever.
it all kicked off on my flight to australia with quantas airlines. me being the spontanious fool I am, got a phone call off my brother, say on a tuesday.. and I was in australia the following friday?! anyways, I have always been a fantastic flyer if I do say so myself. flew alone to america when I was 16. I suppose I hadn't done drugs though at that age. in a nutshell, I started to panic at heathrow airport, then the following 24hours was sheer hell. I felt like my head was about to implode. I drank shandys but with a lack of lemonade in them to force myself to sleep.
once I arrived in australia all was dandy. unfortunetly the flight made me super ill for the first week. flu like symptoms. I blame the two 5yr old kids I was forced to sit next to throughout the whole flight. tip: never try and get an upgrade to business class. they say they'll get you even better seats, and shabam, look where you're sat.. plenty of leg room but at the front of the plane where the baby cots are. woo! back to the story..
I started to 'lose my mind' a little bit when I was there. not in a psychotic way, or I like to think not. that kick started after 2weeks? after my fiance cheated on me. I found out through msn from my friend hailey. it broke my heart. so far away. no one to comfort me. and worst of all, my fiance couldn't remember a ****ing thing so I had to tell her everything. it all went down hill from there.
I was panicking all the time. hot and cold flushes. feeling faint. lack of appetite. crazy thoughts. wanting to throw myself off the balcony of my apartment. a thought in the back of my mind constantly telling me to do so. 3weeks had gone by and I had enough. I rang the airline and booked a flight for the next day. I couldn't cope. if I had stayed, I'd probably be dead now.
the flight back, safe to say was again, a ****ing nightmare. alone. head feeling like it's about to implode. in sydney airport I was actually so scared to get back on the flight that I thought I would never get home.
finally back in the uk.. "yeah I'll be okay now. back home. my friend's. none of this anxiety feeling." how wrong.
time went on and my panic attacks got worse. felt like I was going die. lump in throat. palpitations. restless. worst feeling ever imaginable.
since october I have had them every week. I'm now on anti depressants. it has also gotten worse. I now can't eat. oneday I was tucking into a fab pasta salad. I remember one piece went down the wrong hole, coughed, came back up as it always does.. but a panic attack kick started. ever since I have had a fear of choking; so therefor cannot bring myself to eat solids. even though I want to eat so bad, I really cannot do it. scares the hell out of me. since early november all I have lived on is banana complan and tomato soup. I'm now having the odd bit of smash (mash potato in a bag).. but it's still a pain. I feel like something is lodged in my throat. I also feel like I cannot swallow. my anti depressants are liquid drops as I cannot swallow tablets.
I see no escape what so ever.