Moving forward

[flatterycat]

I'm trying to get myself to a place where I am content; where anxiety doesn't dictate what I do each day; where I can accept sensations, feelings - notice them and continue. I've read all the right posts and articles and books, had years of various therapy and had years where I am doing ok. But my life is governed by how I feel each day. There are so many times I've stopped myself going/doing something nice because I'm too scared or (irrationally) don't want to tempt fate.

I'm terrified of getting ill and not seeing my little girl grow up - and yet I know that the very act of worrying about it prevents me from enjoying every min with her. I've already wasted 5 years worrying about this and the obvious thing to do is waste no more - but it's so hard to separate my fear from everyday life.

I decided that seeing my doctor, agreeing the route that CPE talks about was the way to go. However, this is so very hard. I thought, I know, I'll have private tests done to make sure everything is ok and if it is THEN I can start...How do I get on the plan if I'm currently concerned about a BT or some other equally horrible illness?

Don't really know what I'm asking, but it feels good to write it down:wacko:

[Primula]

Hi flatterycat, it's all to do with living with uncertainty, something we find difficult to do. Having the blood tests will reassure you for a while, but then you'll start wondering again. As CP says, don't underestimate the enormity of your task. Try to do nice things even if you feel scared. I know how hard it is, I've had a bit of a blip myself the past few days, but ive found it really helpful to read through my old posts to remember how I got through it before. Don't give up, don't have anymore blood tests, and try not to be so hard on yourself. What will be will be.

[flatterycat]

Thanks Primula

I said to my hubby - if I just have a brain MRI and it's clear, I'll be ok! He says the same as you...

[cpe1978]

Hi Flatterycat

The reality is that no amount of tests will ever convince you. One of the key things I did was to firstly find a GP I liked and trusted and then set the ground rules. Firstly she wasn't to dismiss me on the grounds of anxiety, and secondly she wasn't to refer me for tests on the grounds of reassurance. It was really hard, but after committing to it it got far easier. I haven't been to the GP since February and have for the most part been able to rationalise my symptoms.

GPs are there to make judgements as to whether something warrants further investigation, you have to find a way of trusting them (even if you don't at first).

---------- Post added at 21:31 ---------- Previous post was at 21:29 ----------

Your husband is right. When I had my anxiety that started this, kidney cancer, I convinced myself that an ultrasound was all I needed, needless to say it wasn't and cascaded from there. Save yourself the cash and deal with the issue.

Also you need to get a GP referral to get a private MRI anywhere reputable (I know this because I researched it extensively).

[Adam81]

Hi cpe, I am very envious of you. I wish I as able to rationalise my symptoms. How have you been able to manage this?

[cpe1978]

Hi Adam,

I am a complete control freak so decided that the thing that I had the most problem with was lack of control when it came to anxiety. With health anxiety we try and control the one thing we can't. So my approach was to develop a plan and to drive it forwards, focusing on what I could change. I found that the rest sort of followed when I was less anxious.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=159331

[flatterycat]

CPE - Yes, I know you are absolutely right. For me the battle rages because I also have a tendency towards superstitious thinking. Whilst I know logically it's nonsense there is a part of me that's too scared to step into the unknown - hence my thoughts saying things like "the one time you let go, trust the doctor, it will be the time it really is something bad". I do know that a lot of my behaviours are there to keep me safe (even though they actually don't) and that I have been anxious since childhood for many reasons.

Like you though, I am a control freak; living with uncertainty is very, very hard for me and I suppose the HA is the ultimate in no control!

I must admit that I like structure, formats to follow and the like, so I think having 'a plan' is a good idea for me. I also find stats useful - looking at the likelihood of my latest fear in this way is often good for me. However, I'm no mathematician and working them out is out of my skill set:)