Wintear
04-01-15, 07:42
i have not been on here in a while. it's been about two months. please pardon my absence.
anyhow, i'm feeling very overwhelmed as the title suggests. overwhelmed can't even begin to describe what i'm feeling and have been feeling for almost a month now...but, it will have to do. i have suffered from bad depression and GAD since 8 years of age. my 21st birthday was the 2nd of this month so i've been caged in this hell for roughly 13 years now. i have a panic disorder, as well. what i have been feeling lately is a whole lot of CONSTANT paranoia, dread, and over-anticipation. paranoia about friends and family/everyone i come into contact with, really. i often times think they're all talking behind my back and intentionally putting me down/trying to hurt me in one way or another. it feels like everyone's against me, like the whole world's conspiring to come and get me one of these days. i have developed major trust issues from this and i am finding it difficult to believe in the words of others or take their promises/compliments seriously. be it a close friend, family member, or a complete stranger - i have this ever-present gut feeling and voice in the back of my head always saying "yeah, right. yeah, okay. you're all just in it for yourselves." i WANT to trust and believe in people...don't get me wrong. it just feels like lately i am suddenly unable to :/ and it's a rather disappointing and sometimes scary feeling....
dread about my life in general. my past, present, and future combined. i worry that the mistakes of my past (and i have made MANY in the short amount of time i have existed in this world, sadly..) will just keep on resurfacing and haunting my every thought and decision thus resulting in unavoidable failure. it feels like there are two shackles weighing my ankles and wrists down at all times, chained to anchors..being dragged out to sea a little further each day until that one day comes that i just let go and end up drowning. regarding my present, i am ALWAYS self-conscious to the EXTREME. rampant questions like "am i going to die today? tomorrow? next week? when? how? will i be remembered? what will i be remembered for? what was i able to accomplish, if anything at all, before my time was up? is all of this worthless, after all? is life it's self really that significant or is it somehow a lie, as well?" it seems death is the main theme of these intrusive thoughts. either my own or the death of my loved ones. they plague my mind and are relentless..but mostly at night. they're what keep me wide awake when i should be sound asleep.
over-anticipation about every little detail of every little thing. i pay VERY close attention to everyone/everything. i will dissolve every nick and cranny of every word, action, and thought until i just can't delve any further into it. i always am troubling myself by trying to find the meaning in everything throughout life. from big to small, you name it. i always feel like there is something deeper and "divine" about our existence here. it's like the old saying goes, "it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so, so deeply." that quote alone actually sums up this section of my "rant."
my personal life the past year has been nothing short of hectic. i have faced two deaths this year. the first being my beloved uncle, whom i looked up to all my life as a father figure because my own flesh and blood "father" was never really there for me growing up and even now. the second being my dear and loyal companion (dog) Shadow of 15 1/2 years. she was my best friend and guardian angel ever since i was just a child. she would always know how to comfort me and make me laugh and just...be there when nothing or nobody else wanted to be or didn't know how to be. she had a tumor in her throat and we had to put her to a final sleep the 1st of December. my uncle went, hopefully peacefully, in his sleep unexpectedly back in March. i miss them both so much...so, so much....i teared up a bit just thinking about them.
i also lost two best friends too soon in the past...but, that craziness took place a little over three years ago. either way, the blade that ran my heart through still pierces just as deeply now as it did then.....
i have not had an easy life...not by any stretch of the imagination. i just feel like it's all getting too much. like i'm not strong enough anymore to maintain a level head and to not break out in a full blown panic attack every hour on the dot. i literally used to do that, by the way. everything scares me now...and i mean EVERYTHING. i just can't take much more of this, you know? :/ it's not fair.....
as for the symptoms that have been accompanying all of this insanity, they go as followed :
-loss of sleep (i stay awake until 5-6AM and wake up around 12-1PM, often times on purpose to avoid waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and body trembling like a leaf/sweating buckets..)
-tight chest
-heart palpitations
-sweaty palms at random
-cold and clammy skin
-weighted shoulders sensation
-tense muscles
-dizziness
-occasional headaches
-vivid nightmares
-memory issues (sometimes i can't even recall where i just put something, what i was about to do, or why i walked into a certain room)
-heavy chest
-occasional chest pain
-difficulties focusing
-random body aches/pains/tingling sensations/burning sensations
-disturbing/intrusive/irrational thoughts
-seeing things out of the corners of my eye
-increasing sensitivity to negative energy/people
-constant worrying
-blurry vision
-fatigue
these are just the ones i can think of right now. they've all manifested either bunched together, one after another, or just a hand-full of 'em have come over me on some days. though, i have to say that the night time is the absolute WORST for me. i can't stand it...and i dread when the sun goes down because i know the hellish struggle i will be in for.
okay. that is enough rambling on and on for me..for now. what do you guys think? is there anything i can do or at least try? it seems i've done all i can do and exhausted all of my options. i feel very helpless, hopeless, faithless, and like i am all alone on this. it's a horrible feeling and i would not wish any of this on my worst enemy, in all honesty.
any similar stories/experiences? if you can contribute anything at all....i will forever be in your debt. i have reached my breaking point and i am more desperate now than i have ever been before. thank you all for your time and i hope that your holidays were cheerful and your're starting off the new year on a good note.....be well, everyone......thank you, again!
anyhow, i'm feeling very overwhelmed as the title suggests. overwhelmed can't even begin to describe what i'm feeling and have been feeling for almost a month now...but, it will have to do. i have suffered from bad depression and GAD since 8 years of age. my 21st birthday was the 2nd of this month so i've been caged in this hell for roughly 13 years now. i have a panic disorder, as well. what i have been feeling lately is a whole lot of CONSTANT paranoia, dread, and over-anticipation. paranoia about friends and family/everyone i come into contact with, really. i often times think they're all talking behind my back and intentionally putting me down/trying to hurt me in one way or another. it feels like everyone's against me, like the whole world's conspiring to come and get me one of these days. i have developed major trust issues from this and i am finding it difficult to believe in the words of others or take their promises/compliments seriously. be it a close friend, family member, or a complete stranger - i have this ever-present gut feeling and voice in the back of my head always saying "yeah, right. yeah, okay. you're all just in it for yourselves." i WANT to trust and believe in people...don't get me wrong. it just feels like lately i am suddenly unable to :/ and it's a rather disappointing and sometimes scary feeling....
dread about my life in general. my past, present, and future combined. i worry that the mistakes of my past (and i have made MANY in the short amount of time i have existed in this world, sadly..) will just keep on resurfacing and haunting my every thought and decision thus resulting in unavoidable failure. it feels like there are two shackles weighing my ankles and wrists down at all times, chained to anchors..being dragged out to sea a little further each day until that one day comes that i just let go and end up drowning. regarding my present, i am ALWAYS self-conscious to the EXTREME. rampant questions like "am i going to die today? tomorrow? next week? when? how? will i be remembered? what will i be remembered for? what was i able to accomplish, if anything at all, before my time was up? is all of this worthless, after all? is life it's self really that significant or is it somehow a lie, as well?" it seems death is the main theme of these intrusive thoughts. either my own or the death of my loved ones. they plague my mind and are relentless..but mostly at night. they're what keep me wide awake when i should be sound asleep.
over-anticipation about every little detail of every little thing. i pay VERY close attention to everyone/everything. i will dissolve every nick and cranny of every word, action, and thought until i just can't delve any further into it. i always am troubling myself by trying to find the meaning in everything throughout life. from big to small, you name it. i always feel like there is something deeper and "divine" about our existence here. it's like the old saying goes, "it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so, so deeply." that quote alone actually sums up this section of my "rant."
my personal life the past year has been nothing short of hectic. i have faced two deaths this year. the first being my beloved uncle, whom i looked up to all my life as a father figure because my own flesh and blood "father" was never really there for me growing up and even now. the second being my dear and loyal companion (dog) Shadow of 15 1/2 years. she was my best friend and guardian angel ever since i was just a child. she would always know how to comfort me and make me laugh and just...be there when nothing or nobody else wanted to be or didn't know how to be. she had a tumor in her throat and we had to put her to a final sleep the 1st of December. my uncle went, hopefully peacefully, in his sleep unexpectedly back in March. i miss them both so much...so, so much....i teared up a bit just thinking about them.
i also lost two best friends too soon in the past...but, that craziness took place a little over three years ago. either way, the blade that ran my heart through still pierces just as deeply now as it did then.....
i have not had an easy life...not by any stretch of the imagination. i just feel like it's all getting too much. like i'm not strong enough anymore to maintain a level head and to not break out in a full blown panic attack every hour on the dot. i literally used to do that, by the way. everything scares me now...and i mean EVERYTHING. i just can't take much more of this, you know? :/ it's not fair.....
as for the symptoms that have been accompanying all of this insanity, they go as followed :
-loss of sleep (i stay awake until 5-6AM and wake up around 12-1PM, often times on purpose to avoid waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and body trembling like a leaf/sweating buckets..)
-tight chest
-heart palpitations
-sweaty palms at random
-cold and clammy skin
-weighted shoulders sensation
-tense muscles
-dizziness
-occasional headaches
-vivid nightmares
-memory issues (sometimes i can't even recall where i just put something, what i was about to do, or why i walked into a certain room)
-heavy chest
-occasional chest pain
-difficulties focusing
-random body aches/pains/tingling sensations/burning sensations
-disturbing/intrusive/irrational thoughts
-seeing things out of the corners of my eye
-increasing sensitivity to negative energy/people
-constant worrying
-blurry vision
-fatigue
these are just the ones i can think of right now. they've all manifested either bunched together, one after another, or just a hand-full of 'em have come over me on some days. though, i have to say that the night time is the absolute WORST for me. i can't stand it...and i dread when the sun goes down because i know the hellish struggle i will be in for.
okay. that is enough rambling on and on for me..for now. what do you guys think? is there anything i can do or at least try? it seems i've done all i can do and exhausted all of my options. i feel very helpless, hopeless, faithless, and like i am all alone on this. it's a horrible feeling and i would not wish any of this on my worst enemy, in all honesty.
any similar stories/experiences? if you can contribute anything at all....i will forever be in your debt. i have reached my breaking point and i am more desperate now than i have ever been before. thank you all for your time and i hope that your holidays were cheerful and your're starting off the new year on a good note.....be well, everyone......thank you, again!